Christmas hosting headaches... DM/MiL

[Haribo1985]

Hi MNers... needing some impartial advice on if IABU or not, so thought I would put this to your collective opinions! I'm relatively new to the site so please be gentle... it's quite petty really, but it's causing me a headache!

For background, my DH and I have been married a few years and have a newborn DS together after finding each other later in life than we would've liked (35-40). Both of our fathers have passed away leaving DM and MiL.

We have generally spend Christmas taking in turns hosting us all between DM, us and MiL as we all get on relatively OK.. and now is when the annoying yearly debate on who hosts Christmas starts looming.

Now we have DS I would really like us as a new family to have Christmases at home going forward and start our own traditions as a unit, (obviously with both DM and MiL still invited) and for DS to wake up at home on Christmas morning for festivities, and/or not have to travel in the morning to another house.

I want to say to DM and MiL that this is how we want to spend Christmases going forward, and you are more than welcome to join us and spend it together with us and DGS. However I know this will lead to them not being happy, so I just want some opinions first to gauge if IABU by telling them how it will be, or should I be more considerate of them wanting to host at their houses?

My thoughts would be that they have already had lots of holidays with their DC and chances to enjoy plenty of Christmases at home when we were growing up, but now its our turn to do as such with our DS. After a few petty disagreements recently I've lost all perspective though, so i'm not sure if I am just being selfish.

YABU - Be more fair, suck it up and share it out!
YANBU - Your new family, your new rules... you are not being selfish to tell them you are having Christmases at home in future, and they are always welcome to come join us.

Thank you in advance xx

TBH I think this is this one year people don't need to worry about who's hosting Christmas and I think that could start some new traditions for those who want them.

It's fine, op. You're not telling anyone what to do, you are just being the master of your own destiny. Just say, "We are doing...for Xmas, we would love you to join us..."

We stay home every year. My children wake up in their own beds. Anyone who wants to can join us but I'm not going anywhere.

DP and I will have a tiny baby this year so we've told parents to come to us instead. Take it easy and enjoy your Christmas.

Yanbu

I'd be thrilled when I'm a mil (hopefully) but I'm coming at it as someone who even though we have small children has never had Christmas alone as a family and hope not to (this year it could be forced on us!). I love being somewhere special at Christmas. But then we often travelled to my grandparents as a child.

Hosting and inviting them is totally fine. I also think your siblings should be taking turns having your mums.

YANBU

We have a whole family carvery the day before Xmas Eve then spend Christmas morning at home. For Christmas dinner we have sausage and mash so nobody had to spend all day cooking and whoever wants to visit can!

It’s lovely

I haven't voted as there are too many questions

1. Distance / logistics (their ages, do they drive, etc)
2. If you have siblings, why does this all fall to you ?
3. Why won't they be happy ? What is it about this arrangement that you think they won't like ?

However, I definitely think YABU to state 'this is what we will be doing from now on'. Things change. Your dc will change massively. I don't know if you might have more dc. Your dm and dmil will age and their circumstances might change. You both also need to get your siblings to step up before their mothers need a great deal of care.

Personally, with a new baby, I would MUCH prefer to go to someone else's house and have the cooking done for me.

Seems sensible to me to just tak one year at a time.

YANBU. I had this 27 years ago. Our DD was 2 years old and I just wanted Christmas at home, so I said everyone is welcome to come but xmas for us will be at home. DH had an anxiety attack and said this would be a massive issue with his DPs (only child) so he broke the news in August. They were delighted as they were sick of hosting. My family just go with the flow. However, 27 years later I'm still hosting every Christmas! DD1 is now soon to be a mum, so hopefully the baton will be handed over soon (and no doubt they will also think I love hosting xmas and will be distraught at not doing so - nah). Here's my thread about this from 2017.... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/Christmas/3423905-Groundhog-Christmas-will-it-ever-end

I didn't have a xmas at home until I was 15! We traveled every year up north, 5 hours to where my DMs family is from. I loved having xmas away at my gran's house, we always got special treats. As baby is so young and won't remember a thing I would leave it a year or two and then suggest xmas at yours

We did this once DC1 was born (first grandchild on each side).

We host every year for anyone who wants to come (pre-COVID). We get my parents and sister (single with no kids) every year and DH’s parents every 3 years as they go to his sister’s house one year, then his brother’s, then ours.
It works well for us.

It's perfectly reasonable to want to have Christmas at your house, especially since you would be hosting DM and MIL, so no-one misses out on family time.

As PP have said, it can be exhausting to cook and clean every year, so you may actually find you will want to go somewhere else, some years. You can still have your own traditions even if you do end up changing your mind about hosting every year. Many traditions are adaptable and "portable" enough that you can do them wherever you happen to be.

In the meantime, though, I'd definitely tell them you're excited to start some new traditions with your child and want to have Christmas at your home this year.

@RobertSmithsWig how did it go last year? Did you cave in or put your foot down? Just read your thread,sounds like a nightmare Christmas.

I’m reading this thread and wonder if there’s any consideration for others left anywhere.

To invite somebody because otherwise they’ll be offended if not and put up with their dietary wants or needs nevermind their approval/disapproval of things

To invite somebody only for them to park their arse and expect to be waited on (unless ill)

To decline invitation to family and offend somebody because you don’t fancy schlepping so many hours in the car on icy roads. Car packed to the roof with kids,presents,food,clothes and what else.

Pressure,pressure,pressure.

Why people do that to their nearest and dearest?

We’ve never been invited to Christmas to DH’s family(mine is abroad and don’t do Christmas) but had a taste of “Christmas run” with DH on Christmas Eve- the day we left at 8am and came back at 10pm I went mad and said I’m not doing it anymore.
We both worked full time, his parents and partners all retired, best friend flexi job.

We came back late,knackered, tree’s still not decorated,meat needed to be dealt with while everybody whom we visited was ready,relaxed and waiting for Christmas.

Not sure if I’d like an invitation anywhere anyway,how to fit in the schedule,different habits(some people eat at different times) while staying at our home we set the pace.

If I got an invitation I’d ask what/how to contribute( another minefield financially) and can’t imagine sitting on my arse instead of pitching in with the preparations(saying that some people like to be in control of their own kitchen).

Do whatever you like OP. If you’re happy to invite DM and MIL then do so. Travelling with a small child might be bit of a chore,hopefully they understand.

YANBU

they’re welcome to come to yours, so don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about leaving them all alone

I wouldn’t say this is how it going to be forever more. Just this is what you’re doing this year, and refuse to think about next year and beyond until much nearer the time.

You are a grown up. Do what pleases you and your family.

Gosh this never crossed my mind that it might upset people. I said this is what we're doing - you obviously don't have to but you're very welcome.

I would invite them this year but not make a big announcement about "this is how it's going to be forever" . Seems a bit domineering to me. I think a bit of flexibility is a good thing , and you may not want to host every single year despite what you might think now. It is their Christmas as well. I just take each year as it comes , especially with Covid changes all the time at the moment , you may not be able to have anyone round by Christmas.

The Christmas at home is most important I think in the santa-years - so you are probably ok to travel for another couple of years (if you want to) and then be at home until the child is a teenager! No way could I bring the presents to another house. But you could have the morning at home and go somewhere else for dinner.
I think being told "this is it for ever" might be what annoys them

Do it and be unapologetic. You have a DC so you’ll be staying at home for Christmas from now on but you’d love for them both to join you each year. Nothing unreasonable there