Christmas hosting headaches... DM/MiL

[Haribo1985]

Hi MNers... needing some impartial advice on if IABU or not, so thought I would put this to your collective opinions! I'm relatively new to the site so please be gentle... it's quite petty really, but it's causing me a headache!

For background, my DH and I have been married a few years and have a newborn DS together after finding each other later in life than we would've liked (35-40). Both of our fathers have passed away leaving DM and MiL.

We have generally spend Christmas taking in turns hosting us all between DM, us and MiL as we all get on relatively OK.. and now is when the annoying yearly debate on who hosts Christmas starts looming.

Now we have DS I would really like us as a new family to have Christmases at home going forward and start our own traditions as a unit, (obviously with both DM and MiL still invited) and for DS to wake up at home on Christmas morning for festivities, and/or not have to travel in the morning to another house.

I want to say to DM and MiL that this is how we want to spend Christmases going forward, and you are more than welcome to join us and spend it together with us and DGS. However I know this will lead to them not being happy, so I just want some opinions first to gauge if IABU by telling them how it will be, or should I be more considerate of them wanting to host at their houses?

My thoughts would be that they have already had lots of holidays with their DC and chances to enjoy plenty of Christmases at home when we were growing up, but now its our turn to do as such with our DS. After a few petty disagreements recently I've lost all perspective though, so i'm not sure if I am just being selfish.

YABU - Be more fair, suck it up and share it out!
YANBU - Your new family, your new rules... you are not being selfish to tell them you are having Christmases at home in future, and they are always welcome to come join us.

Thank you in advance xx

What makes you think that this will cause a problem? It’s what we did once our children arrived, and our mothers were bloody delighted!

I've done 20 years of hosting my DM and DFIL. I couldn't bear for them to be spending Christmas alone while I cook dinner for my DH and DCs. When I think of all the joy they've had with us all as a family over the last 20 years I wouldn't have it any other way. We've all benefited in sharing that family time

We (or rather, I!) was quite outspoken when I was pregnant and told both sides (nicely) that we wouldn't get caught up in the alternating thing on Christmas Day itself because we'd rather decide on a year by year basis. We would always make arrangements to see both side, at some point, which they were happy with.

But, no emotional blackmail, no retribution, no sulking, etc. to deal with either.

"You are not being unreasonable wanting to have your own family traditions. They had their chance while their families were growing up; now it's your turn. It's not selfish; it's life."

Nope, not how it works, a happy life is one with a bit of compromise and flexibility. This kind of rigid attitude is why generations fall out.

In my childhood, Christmas eve we visited my maternal Grandma, Christmas day was just us, no one else, Boxing day was visiting paternal Grandma (that way she couldn't ruin Christmas, seriously)

Maybe you could suggest something like that but with them coming to you on Christmas day. It doesn't just have to be a one day thing.

But you are right to want to do things your way with your child.

From a DM/MIL perspective. Fully respect our children's wishes and have fitted around their wishes to see everyone. Not great from our perspective as have not had a Christmas meal on Christmas day for some years and very little time with them on the day either. Seem to have got stuck in an annual routine which we have decided to try and change. Wish we had gone for the annual discussion approach with something different each year!

YANBU. It would be best to get in first (TOMORROW!) Otherwise you will get the phone call from Dmil announcing merrily that she will host this year and she can't wait etc etc. Very hard to manage that!

I did the same as you OP. I used to go home every christmas and when I had DC I created my own memories in my own home. I love christmas, getting the tree with the DC, decorating the house, making cinnamon biscuits, christmas pudding, christmas cake, panto on the 22nd, hamleys trip and dinner at bodeans, relaxed christmas morning with a late brunch and latish christmas dinner.....interestingly I was always in my own home for christmas when I was a DC as was my DH. however his mum wasnt happy when we decided to start the same tradition and fell out with us because we wouldnt go back every year , funny she seemed to forget I had a mother. Although we did once and the DC werent happy, adults all fell asleep after lunch and kids couldnt relax incase they broke something...,my DC love christmas a home and we are happy to have guests who celebrate with us. This is what you want to do then go for it

We did exactly this. When I was pregnant I told everyone that from now on we would be having Christmas at ours, anyone was more than welcome to join us but we were not going out Christmas day. It's worked really well. In the last 8 years we've had years when it's just us , some with dfil, some with my parents and dsis family and some with everyone. It's been great.

I never like the rhetoric on MN of dragging children out on the 25th, traipsing to other people's houses, having to leave their presents behind, Christmas is about the dc etc. If you describe it like that, of course visiting loved family members at a special time sounds tedious and 2nd best.

We've had Christmases at home and Christmases with family and without fail, the dc cherish seeing their wider family in whatever context. I would never introduce an attitude of it being about presents or being "dragged". We've kept a relaxed and ad hoc attitude, doing what suits everybody best and it's made for a wonderful time every year with no precedent and no obligation.

Do what works for you op. You sound kind and you're inviting them along. What's not to like? Talk about next year, next year.

We did the same - it's all about making your own traditions at home once you have your own children. Neither set of grandparents would expect us to do it any other way, thankfully, and are very happy to visit us rather than host.

I said early on in my relationship with my DH, we'd alternate Christmases with our parents until we had a child. Once we did, we'd do one more rotation, since she won't be old enough to care about Christmas, and that would be it. We had DD last year, so this year will be our last visit, Covid be damned.

Part of my reasoning is, yes, I went to make my own Christmas traditions, with my own family. But mostly because of one memorable Christmas morning, where instead of opening our presents, the presents, my siblings and I (6, 4 and 2) were put into the car and driven 2 hours to our grandparents house. Needless to say those 120 minutes were a tortuous eternity to all inside that car. My 6 year old self couldn't understand why we weren't allowed our presents, so our parents had to endure 3 inconsolable children all the way there. The way back that evening was apparently no better. My parents said never again, and that is exactly what happened. I'm saying never straight out of the gate.

So absolutely put your foot down. Invite them to your festivities if you feel you have to, but above all, have the Christmas you want YOUR DS to have.

I think it’s a bit rude to just state this is how it’s going to be going forward.
We rotate one year at my parents, one year at PiL and we don’t ever do ours.
That’s because it’s a real joy to them. Whilst I’d prefer to be at home I wouldn’t take it away from them as I don’t think that would be fair.

@PanamaPattie

Only start traditions that suit you and your new family. Don't invite DM or MIL. Enjoy the day just the three of you.

You didn’t notice that they want to invite them?

Personally, I would take up any opportunity to NOT host a Christmas party myself 😅 but I think you are being completely reasonable in wanting to start your own traditions with ds.

Couldn't you encourage dm and mil to contribute? Make sure they are involved in the cooking / decorations etc.

Since having children I've insisted on staying home Christmas eve so they can wake up Christmas morning in their own house. We'll probably change things once they're older but it's really exciting for them to have santa come to their house. I love having presents and breakfast as a family before any visiting.

Have a bit of a think about if you want to host them for the rest of time. Can you put them both up overnight without it being a pain, will they contribute to cooking and cleaning, or just sit there like a lemon (are you the sort of person who likes help or not) Are they like my MIL who tuts every time the DC open a present saying "in my day all the DC shared one small lego kit and were grateful for it"

Factor all that in and decide what is going to make you happy long term, and then move towards it. Maybe build up to it over a couple of years. So if you think you would like to have both GM come on Christmas Eve and leave on Boxing Day and you would like them to contribute money towards the meals and bring some wine then maybe this Christmas start by inviting one to come for a late breakfast on Xmas morning and leave on Boxing Day morning, and the other to come on Xmas Eve morning and leave on Xmas Day afternoon. Then if everyone plays nicely together, next year extend their stays and ask them to contribute...

But YANBU to want to not drag DC from pillar to post at Xmas. We have a stay at home policy as I find it much easier to host than travel. But we have had to push MIL to visiting after 11am when most of the present unwrapping is done as she is a dreadfully critical of DC getting more than one small present each!

Some people are ruthless on here "don't invite your parents at all! You have your own family now!"

Your parents are always your family. How would you feel when your children grow into adults and decide to constantly exclude you?

I'm with you op. We had a couple of Xmas days going to family when dd was small until it got to the point where she'd be happily playing with her new toys & I'd have to drag her away to get ready & head out. After that I said from now on we're having Xmas at home so if the kids want to stay in their pjs all day long playing with their new toys then that's what they can do

Do it, but just be careful with how you phrase it and be really clear that you defo still want them to come/would like their help with xyz if they enjoy the prep.

Easy to start discussion early this year due to COVID. The 'what ifs' - you are welcome here but what if we are in isolation or what if we are in lockdown. DM/DMIL need a back up plan, would they be happy at home themselves, can friends or other family step in.

I've found family to be much more accepting and flexible this year.

Also remember that as GP's get older they may prefer the peace and quiet of home, with a shorter time with you, perhaps arriving for Christmas dinner at 2.00 pm staying until early evening or arriving early and leaving just after dinner. I know my DF does spend Christmas with us but just about puts up with the chaos, given the choice (without DM) he would stay at home.

@ukgift2016

Some people are ruthless on here "don't invite your parents at all! You have your own family now!"

Your parents are always your family. How would you feel when your children grow into adults and decide to constantly exclude you?

My kids will have their own family one day, and I will have had my time, and they will have theirs. That's how life goes, and I will be encouraging my girls to make their own lives and decisions as adults. I will enjoy my time I have now. It's not like you are never seeing them. It's one day! Christ, I wont be seeing my family at all this year as they live abroad and have to quarantine. Usually I get new years with them, and my parents NEVER spend Christmas with their grandkids. Do they complain? No. They have their own Christmas, sometimes at a hotel being waited on hand and foot, and make the best of the time they do get. Everyone is entitled to make their own traditions with their own kids without feeling guilt tripped

Op it sounds like a good plan. Just don't mention the future. Just take one Christmas at a time, you never know what could happen.

"Only start traditions that suit you and your new family. Don't invite DM or MIL. Enjoy the day just the three of you."

Except, you know nothing more boring than Xmas alone with an oblivious baby.

Perhaps all these my way or the highway posters just have horrible families?

Time to start new traditions and stay at home. Your ds won’t want to be dragged from pillar to post on Christmas Day. He comes first, along with what you want.