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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas hosting headaches... DM/MiL

121 replies

Haribo1985 · 14/09/2020 17:55

Hi MNers... needing some impartial advice on if IABU or not, so thought I would put this to your collective opinions! I'm relatively new to the site so please be gentle... it's quite petty really, but it's causing me a headache!

For background, my DH and I have been married a few years and have a newborn DS together after finding each other later in life than we would've liked (35-40). Both of our fathers have passed away leaving DM and MiL.

We have generally spend Christmas taking in turns hosting us all between DM, us and MiL as we all get on relatively OK.. and now is when the annoying yearly debate on who hosts Christmas starts looming.

Now we have DS I would really like us as a new family to have Christmases at home going forward and start our own traditions as a unit, (obviously with both DM and MiL still invited) and for DS to wake up at home on Christmas morning for festivities, and/or not have to travel in the morning to another house.

I want to say to DM and MiL that this is how we want to spend Christmases going forward, and you are more than welcome to join us and spend it together with us and DGS. However I know this will lead to them not being happy, so I just want some opinions first to gauge if IABU by telling them how it will be, or should I be more considerate of them wanting to host at their houses?

My thoughts would be that they have already had lots of holidays with their DC and chances to enjoy plenty of Christmases at home when we were growing up, but now its our turn to do as such with our DS. After a few petty disagreements recently I've lost all perspective though, so i'm not sure if I am just being selfish.

YABU - Be more fair, suck it up and share it out!
YANBU - Your new family, your new rules... you are not being selfish to tell them you are having Christmases at home in future, and they are always welcome to come join us.

Thank you in advance xx

OP posts:
Heyahun · 14/09/2020 18:53

You don’t have to do a big epic meal every year - you can go casual, do something easy Or get m&s Xmas in a box 😂

rossclare · 14/09/2020 18:55

I hate all these messages saying it's your Christmas, do as you want. Should you not be thinking about other people's happiness as well and what they may want. Life is about compromise. Some of these comments come across as so uncompromising and selfish. Agree that this year you may want to do it at your house, but may be next year someone else will want to host. The time will come when this won't even be an issue as these people will sadly not be around.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 14/09/2020 18:57

No need to be so rigid - just say - this year we want to do X. As other have said it doesn't have to be a lifelong commitment, and when you say stuff like
^"Now we have DS I would really like us as a new family to have Christmases at home going forward and start our own traditions as a unit, (obviously with both DM and MiL still invited) and for DS to wake up at home on Christmas morning for festivities, and/or not have to travel in the morning to another house."^
it sounds unbelievably precious and also is much more high stakes than dealing with it a year at a time and has shades of tousling for the role of matriarch about it

FWIW them having had their time with their children/it's your turn blahdidblah is neither here nor there, IMO, a bit of flexibility in life makes everything easier.

Also FWIW for 8 years we got up in our own house on Xmas morning , opened stockings, piled the car with presents and bits of food and drove 100 miles to where my mum lived as her partner was too ill to travel. We listened and sang along to xmas songs. The children are now teens look back on it like an adventure. It was lovely.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 14/09/2020 18:58

YANBU but please don't tell them it's every year. Set the precedent, but play it by ear from there. The phrase "a rod for one's own back" comes to mind, otherwise.

VenusClapTrap · 14/09/2020 19:03

I agree with a softly softly approach. Take it a year at a time. You can always say something like “I think while the dc are little we are going to want them to open their presents at home” but don’t be inflexible - you might change your mind, and fancy a year off cooking at some point.

janetmendoza · 14/09/2020 19:03

This sounds fine, but you may live to regret it. 25 years on after saying something like you plan to, I am still hosting the bloody thing!

Ragwort · 14/09/2020 19:04

Agree with others, don't overthink it and insist 'this is how it will always be', invite them both to you this year .... and then think about other years in the future.

We have been married over 30 years and the one thing we both agreed on was to never have a set routine at Christmas. I don't always want to host, sometimes we've been to family, or volunteered at an old folks centre or been abroad - or just been alone - I don't want to have the same Christmas every single year.

Feedingthebirds1 · 14/09/2020 19:04

The only problem I can see with your plan is that it could set the pattern of Christmases for ever more. Will you be happy to feel obliged to host them for the next 20 or whatever years, or will it become Oh God, it's the DM and MIL again.

Whatever you decide to do, don't create something that's set in stone forever. Keep some flexibility.

I'm sure there will be some DMs and MILs on here who'll be thinking they're glad I'm not their DD or DIL, but there needs to be some give and take.

thelegohooverer · 14/09/2020 19:05

Just start with this year and see how it goes. Trying to issue an edict in perpetuity is completely over the top. But using this Christmas to win everyone over to your point of view is fine Wink

Some people like hosting, and I do think that you should be mindful that you could be taking a great pleasure of the season away from them. Some people only discover the pleasures of being a guest, when they get a break from hosting, and never look back. There’s a lot to be said for a child being in their own home for Christmas, and lots of children enjoy experiencing different traditions in different homes.

So I don’t think I can really vote one way or the other.

underneaththeash · 14/09/2020 19:06

I didn't mind travelling to DM when I only had one small child, but now we have 3 big ones and also the biggest house, it makes sense to stay at home.

In your case hosting means that you can have both parents there.

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 14/09/2020 19:06

Your newborn son is not going to be remotely aware of Christmas this year. I would suggest you let DM or DMIL do Christmas this year, you do it next year and then decide later for 2022.

If both mums like to cook and you will invite them to yours anyway, you could have Christmas at yours but take it in turns to do the cooking.

Would they feel there was no need to bother with Christnas decorations if nobody is visiting their homes at Christmas?

Theforest · 14/09/2020 19:09

Why would they object?

Lookatthemshine · 14/09/2020 19:09

We did this after DS first Christmas - which was spent running round everyone else’s houses and taking DS away from his toys and any semblance of routine. We decided to concentrate on our wee family and 3 more kids later we have lovely chilled family Christmas Day and go visiting in Boxing Day. No one even bothers calling in so it shows our efforts were not appreciated or reciprocated. Do what suits you and don’t pander to others.

BrieAndChilli · 14/09/2020 19:13

Don’t for the life of you get stuck into a routine. You’ll never be able to get out of it!

In the 20 years I have been with DH we have had Christmas...
at MILs
at my mums (once!!)
In Thailand while backpacking
At home just us 2
At home with kids
At home with MIL and SIlL
At home with FIL
At home with My sister and partner and niece and nephew
At home with my sister and family and MIL and SIL (and FIL Came for lunch as lived nearby)
At home but went to a close friends parents for lunch)

Means there’s no expectation and we can do what we want each year with nobody insisting we spend it with them etc. Prob helps that everyone is fairly laid back about it themselves.

User43210 · 14/09/2020 19:14

YANBU in the slightest. You're actually amazingly thoughtful by continuing to invite them.

If either refuse and say they're cooking, you can just as easily reject their invite.

You have Christmas at your house, it's about your son and travelling on Christmas is not fair on little ones. If they want to join, great. If they don't, they only have themselves to blame if lonely. But please stand your ground if they become awkward. They could always meet up together and cook for each other 😂 I would definitely let my mum cook at my house if this was the case though.

PlateTectonics · 14/09/2020 19:16

@Theforest

Why would they object?
Lots of people do like to host. My MIL still likes to host some years, whereas my parents are very happy not to!
Porcupineinwaiting · 14/09/2020 19:17

YANBU to want to spend Christmas at your house. The only thing you dont need to do is say "and this is the way it will be for now on". Instead start with "and this is what we want for now" because in a few years things may have to change again/you may want them to change again.

PearTreeHigh · 14/09/2020 19:19

Just say “this year, we’re celebrating Christmas at home. You’re welcome to join us, maybe come over on the 23rd and stay till Boxing Day.”

I wouldn’t get into the plans for every year. Next year, you say “we thought last Christmas was perfect, we’re doing the same this year. Let me know if you’d like to come over.”

Then it becomes your own tradition. I loved waking up in our own house for the first time with DC last year. We did end up leaving to drive to PIL’s house around 11am, which I’m not doing this year!!

BearMarket · 14/09/2020 19:21

YABU for doing the MN twee little family unit and forced new traditions HOWEVER

You are inviting the ILs and Mother, so if I am swapping places with them, I would be like yeeeha, no more Christmas hard work and effort from me, I’m off to Haribos for ever more.

I would be up for it, no sour face from me.

cptartapp · 14/09/2020 19:22

Just because someone is nearer the end of their life doesn't mean their wants trump yours for evermore. If they were less selfish they would understand your DC are only little once.
Why would you not please yourselves and your DH over other people? Do you dictate their life choices? Don't get it.

pilates · 14/09/2020 19:32

I don’t get the being a family unit. You’ve got all year to be together. Christmas is a time for extended family to get together so I would invite them both to your house. Honestly, after many many years of doing Christmas Day I miss going to my mum and dad’s for Christmas.

Ginger1982 · 14/09/2020 19:42

Before we had DS we could be at 3 different houses on Christmas Day. Since he came along, we have hosted and it has been fine. If you're happy to host, do it.

stoptheworldiwant2getoff · 14/09/2020 19:46

Gosh I would have thought they would jump at the chance! No cooking and just turn up, belting

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 14/09/2020 19:46

It's their choice: they come to you or they spend it alone.

You are not being unreasonable wanting to have your own family traditions. They had their chance while their families were growing up; now it's your turn. It's not selfish; it's life.

DoubleDolphin · 14/09/2020 19:48

"Should you not be thinking about other people's happiness as well and what they may want."

Only so far as it doesnt mean they get what they want, and you dont . Because then they aren thinking about you are they