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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas hosting headaches... DM/MiL

121 replies

Haribo1985 · 14/09/2020 17:55

Hi MNers... needing some impartial advice on if IABU or not, so thought I would put this to your collective opinions! I'm relatively new to the site so please be gentle... it's quite petty really, but it's causing me a headache!

For background, my DH and I have been married a few years and have a newborn DS together after finding each other later in life than we would've liked (35-40). Both of our fathers have passed away leaving DM and MiL.

We have generally spend Christmas taking in turns hosting us all between DM, us and MiL as we all get on relatively OK.. and now is when the annoying yearly debate on who hosts Christmas starts looming.

Now we have DS I would really like us as a new family to have Christmases at home going forward and start our own traditions as a unit, (obviously with both DM and MiL still invited) and for DS to wake up at home on Christmas morning for festivities, and/or not have to travel in the morning to another house.

I want to say to DM and MiL that this is how we want to spend Christmases going forward, and you are more than welcome to join us and spend it together with us and DGS. However I know this will lead to them not being happy, so I just want some opinions first to gauge if IABU by telling them how it will be, or should I be more considerate of them wanting to host at their houses?

My thoughts would be that they have already had lots of holidays with their DC and chances to enjoy plenty of Christmases at home when we were growing up, but now its our turn to do as such with our DS. After a few petty disagreements recently I've lost all perspective though, so i'm not sure if I am just being selfish.

YABU - Be more fair, suck it up and share it out!
YANBU - Your new family, your new rules... you are not being selfish to tell them you are having Christmases at home in future, and they are always welcome to come join us.

Thank you in advance xx

OP posts:
LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 14/09/2020 18:15

we always have christmas here...i wasn't malingering about the countryside to other folks houses with the children when they were small, and I won't expect my children to do it either

I issue invites on a "we'd love you to come, but won't be offended if you have a better offer" basis and it works very well

The only problem now is the mothers are both on their own so we have to factor in actually getting them here, but the children are all grown ups now so it's not a huge hassle!

Bickles · 14/09/2020 18:16

We have had Christmas with the 3 of us (we have DS now 8) plus my parents and MIL since DS was born. In fact for some years before once we were married as well. It’s great and especially so for DS who gets to spend the day with all his new toys and adoring grandparents.
And there’s only 6 of us so Covid can get stuffed. We’re planning to isolate before Christmas for as long as we can. MIL is in our support bubble anyway.

StCharlotte · 14/09/2020 18:17

What about logistics? If they come to you, will they have to stay? Do they get on? What about transport, do they drive?

In principle though YANBU.

BluebellsGreenbells · 14/09/2020 18:17

Well why wouldn’t they be happy?

What oils they miss or not like?

Can you ask one to bring the turkey and the other to bring pudding? Maybe they could host in your kitchen? Or help decorate or do the evening buffet?

There’s huge scope to make things work.

PanamaPattie · 14/09/2020 18:19

Only start traditions that suit you and your new family. Don't invite DM or MIL. Enjoy the day just the three of you.

ParisianLady · 14/09/2020 18:19

@Crumpets

Erm....there is small thing called Coronavirus which might make international travel for leisure at Christmas rather unlikely. Probably not the wisest advice

DonLewis · 14/09/2020 18:20

Dude, just tell them both that this year, you're having Christmas at home and that they're both invited. Don't go on about every year. Just say that's what we're planning for this year. Would you like to come?

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 14/09/2020 18:20

That's what I did. I never got to stay at home for Christmas, we always went to my maternal Grandmother in another country. My cousins all lived near by and would bring their main presents. My main presents got left at home for after Christmas and I was never allowed to open anything big/complicated because it would be hard to repack (yep, still bitter).

My dad died when I was pregnant with dc2 and I used that to change the rules. Now my inlaws and my mum cone here and everyone is mostly happy.

maxelly · 14/09/2020 18:21

@twoshedsjackson

I agree with 2little guineas Start with a trip down Memory Lane, reminiscing on Christmases past, when they celebrated cosily at home with their DC, then gently steer towards the notion that this sounds so lovely, it's just what you want for you little one..... I'm not GM but a godmother, and we started a new tradition where we all went to the Crib Service on Christmas Eve, back to mine for tea, after dark on Christmas Eve counts as Christmas having started, so open a few presents, stuff full of food, send home to sleep off the carbs as they waited for Father Christmas. They show no sign of wanting to stop, although now they are adults, we've shifted it to lunch. When I was a child, we cousins met up on Boxing Day, rotating between three households, having had Christmas Day as nuclear families. Children will accept whatever happens as "traditional" .
But that will only work if when their children were young they only ever spent Christmas in a "cosy" small family unit fashion with grandparents falling into line around their plans! If on the other hand they were expected to go to their or their DHs families and compromise their own wants to fit in with wider family tradition (as is entirely possible/likely!) the lovely nostalgia chat - - emotional manipulation-- plan will absolutely backfire!

To be clear I am not saying OP should always do exactly what others want at all times, just that expecting her DM/DMIL to be happy about compromising may be too much to hope for especially if it's presented as the only acceptable way for children to spend Christmas whereas when their children were young the exact opposite was probably thought to be true!

Cavagirl · 14/09/2020 18:21

@DonLewis

Dude, just tell them both that this year, you're having Christmas at home and that they're both invited. Don't go on about every year. Just say that's what we're planning for this year. Would you like to come?
This ^

Be careful what you wish for, you might be desperate for someone else to host in 3 years time!!

SqidgeBum · 14/09/2020 18:24

We did the same when our DD was born, except we were so mean that we basically banned people from the house for christmas day. Its us 3 and that's it, and we have no intention of changing this as time goes on. It is partially because my parents live abroad, so it would involve going on a plane every second christmas, but also we want our own time too where DD doesnt have to pack her stuff up and go to Nanas at 10am.

YANBU. Do what you want. It's not like you are shoving them out. They can still come over.

diddl · 14/09/2020 18:25

@Disfordarkchocolate

I'd be over the moon if I was you mother or mother in law.
Yup.

They say yes or no & that is their choice & you leave them to it!

DoubleDolphin · 14/09/2020 18:28

This is exactly what we did...except we visit family first thing then go home for lunch as a family. Much better than going different places every year and the kids were able to play with their new toys at home after lunch

Chickenitalia · 14/09/2020 18:29

By all means say you think it best to have simple plans for this year due to covid, so you will stay at home and are happy to host them on whichever days they want to come. You don’t mention if they will need to stay over, which is always the tricky one for my family as we are the ones living ‘away’ so are expected to do all the travelling. This year will be different, we will say early on that we are at home, we have room for one set of GP to stay at one time, then they can decide what they want to do.

I wouldn’t set anything in stone for future christmases tbh, when the kids were toddlers it was lovely to just rock up with our presents and clothes etc and have someone else deal with the food. See how this year goes first. A 1 year old genuinely doesn’t give a monkeys either way.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 14/09/2020 18:30

We did a similar thing when we had D.C. it’s worked out fine. Some years some people come to us, some years everyone comes, some years no one comes.

I agree with @DonLewis though. Don’t announce it as an always and forever deal. Just set it up for this year. if pushed say you’ll see how this year works out before thinking about about any future years!

2bazookas · 14/09/2020 18:30

Once you've hosted about 50 Christmases the shine goes off. It's a lot of repetitive work for a few hours , again again again.

I bet both DM and MIL would be delighted to spend every christmas at your place and never have to host it again :-) and will happily take on board every new tradition you want to think up.

Didiusfalco · 14/09/2020 18:32

This is absolutely fine. You are inviting them to join you, no-one is being left alone, if they make a fuss they are being unreasonable.

Holothane · 14/09/2020 18:36

Your family do it your way they’ve had their way now it’s your turn with new baby.

Wearywithteens · 14/09/2020 18:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

bestbefore · 14/09/2020 18:38

Just invite them to yours - say you'd love to host them. Get in quick before the then start assuming things.

willstarttomorrow · 14/09/2020 18:42

You do not need to plan any further ahead than this year. Just inform them you will be hosting and tell them how glad you will be to include them in the excitement of their grandchild's first Christmas in some capacity. Lay it on a bit thick if you need to. Try to include them but gently remain firm on your choices so they understand this is what is happening. If there is something they can do which can become the grandparent's tradition which you do not mind them taking charge of then direct them this way. It maybe some time over Christmas which allows you and your partner some time together or to get on with things. If there is something that is very important to you then make this very clear early on and do not waiver or you will be posting one of the 'GP's insist on organising stockings/ taking my child to see santa/ buying their main gift threads. Do not blow it out of proportion, you are all adults and it is meant to be a happy time so some give and take up from everyone is usual.

Heyahun · 14/09/2020 18:45

I knocked this on the head years ago even pre kids - it’s a never ending loop otherwise! Husband and I usually separated for Xmas and just both went to our own families place - but every other year we would go on a holiday and fly out Xmas day - there was upset initially (how could we be so selfish) but they got over it! Now this year il be heavily pregnant so we’ve already said sorry we won’t be coming! And when the baby is here we will definitely be suiting ourselves each year some years go home some years do our own thing, they can come to ya other times! It’s the only time of year we get a nice chunk of time off work and I hate using it being dragged from house to house - it’s not relaxing!

Deffo tell them your new plans now!

Sunnydaysstillhere · 14/09/2020 18:47

Remember they have had their Christmas's withe their dc their way. Yanbu to put your own wishes first. Your dc will thank you for it. Or every year they will be dragged from their gifts and paraded from house to house..

Benjispruce2 · 14/09/2020 18:50

Of course yanbu. BUT think about it. Do you really want to cook every year? What if you ha e more children? Wouldn’t it be nice to go to your DM or MIL and have a year off? How far away are they? How much travelling?

madcatladyforever · 14/09/2020 18:52

You just need to learn to say no to people.
I won't take any christmas nonsense, I don't "do" christmas and I ignore all blackmailing attempts to make me.
I've been doing this for 5 years and the annoying emails and letters have finally stopped now.
You have to put your foot down or your life will be a people pleasing nightmare.
There is nothing more grim than dragging your kids from pillar to post all over the christmas period.

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