AIBU? Husband was talking to other women.

[Whimsicalwhale]

Hi ladies, forgive me if this is a long and muddled one, I’ve been having a hard time and my head is so messed up with everything going on at the moment.

When I was 7 months pregnant I found out that my husband had been using online dating sites and talking to quite a few other women. We’ve been together for 11 years and I found out that this had been happening on and off for two years.
I found his dating profile and his snapchat that he had been using and I saw some of the messages (he had deleted some before this).
Now let me just state that he never met up with any of these women and it was solely online.
I saw him exchanging selfies and old photos with some girls, he would exchange flirty messages occasionally, calling them beautiful, complimenting their eyes even going as far as to say one of them would have been his fantasy when he was in his late teens etc, nothing overtly sexual that I saw although I confronted him and he’s been telling me more little bits like apparently some selfies that women sent him were suggestive but never nudes, one of these girls he even did a mutual follow with on Instagram, opening her up to the pictures of our children etc which made me a bit uncomfortable.
I found that he would text them first thing in the mornings and before heading home from work, he would be texting them whilst I was asleep and he was even texting one when we were supposed to be celebrating our child’s first birthday. (He claimed he did it when he got bored or fidgety, not with me, just with life etc, but then like I said he was communicating with them everyday. We’ve always had a strong relationship and I genuinely thought everything was okay, I knew he was struggling a bit with his mental health but we were working through it together so I just couldn’t wrap my head around how he could feel okay talking to so many women in the way he did, all behind my back. We have never had issues with friendships of the opposite sex, so if it was just one or two innocent relations then I’d have been fine with it but he really shattered my trust when I found out. Anyway he was extremely apologetic and grovelled and I know he doesn’t do it anymore but he has really done a number on me, especially as this has all happened when pregnant and then with a newborn throughout a pandemic.
I feel like I could have gotten over it but the same month that I found out, he struck up a friendship with a female work colleague and basically since then they message every day, even if they have seen each other at work and now he’s meeting up for walks alone with her and doesn’t see the issue because he’s open about it all. But in my head it’s like he’s replaced all these online females with a real life one (he doesn’t talk to any other male or female colleagues outside of work like this and he doesn’t meet up one to one with any others either) and when even just last year I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid at their friendship, now it is a constant trigger for me reminding me of the hurt and betrayal he caused me and I can’t shake it, I love him but I also have so much resentment towards him for it all and I feel like I don’t have any closure as he deleted a lot of chats before I got to read them so I only have his word to go off.

Basically I just want to know, am I being pathetic for feeling sad about this and not being able to truly move past it? If so does anyone have any tips on what I can do to try and work through it? We have already spoken about it and he knows how I feel but I’m also cautious about becoming one of those wives that restricts who their husband talks to and sees which is definitely not what I want to be.
I just feel so lonely and insecure at the moment.

@Imworthit to be fair to him he’s a great hands on dad, he does loads of parenting, on his days off he gets the kids up, does breakfasts, plays with them, does dinners and housework. If he’s home in time for bedtimes he will do bedtime routines with me. He takes the baby to give me a break and he gets up to the big kids in the nights if they wake. He may have betrayed me and hurt me but he is a wonderful father and I won’t take that away from him.

Anyway I have spoken to him, we have laid it all out. He doesn’t flirt with the friend. He won’t be going out alone with her again. He is limiting his contact as much as possible and is trying to prove to me that there is genuinely nothing but friendship going on, he is involving me in the communication (which he always has done to be fair and at times I have actually responded for him, it was more the quantity of messages exchanged that was the issue which he is addressing).
He understands how much he fucked up and i do genuinely believe how broken up he is about hurting me, he has said this himself, he knows and he says that after seeing me break and change before his eyes after finding out that it really put things into perspective and opened his eyes properly to how fucked up it all was and he didn’t realise because he was compartmentalising it and saw it as more of an escape/game because to him it wasn’t real and the women he chatted with didn’t mean anything to him.
After 11 years with literally not even a single day apart in that time, I would like to think I know him and that what he is saying to me is the truth and like I’ve mentioned if it ever happens again then I’ll know what I have to do but I want to give him this chance to prove himself because it’s worth it for our family unit and worth it for the relationship I know we had and can hopefully have again.

I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that you'll be back with a similar story in a few months.

I feel sad for you.

@1FootInTheRave you can feel sad, makes no difference to me :)
I know him, nobody else on here does. I know what our relationship has been and I’m willing to give him this second chance. If he had physically cheated then I’d have been gone definitely as that is my line but like I’ve said numerous times there was nothing physical and nothing that I ever saw was sexual, he definitely isn’t a dick pic type either so I know there’d be none of that and everyone he spoke to was aware of his marriage and children. The messages that were deleted were because he kept deleting the apps and downloaded different ones or made new accounts so conversations were lost.
You don’t know him so everyone can think what they want, all that matters is that I know him enough to know when he’s genuine and he has shown genuine remorse since this all happened now nearly 8 months ago. I won’t be back again because even if he did it again I’d just leave I wouldn’t be looking for ways to move on and if I am in that position again then at least I’ll be able to say I gave it my all and if not then I guess I’ll have made the correct decision, only time will tell but I’m not someone who takes it all lightly, I won’t just get a divorce at the very first sign of an issue, I do believe it’s one that we can get through eventually so long as he keeps putting the effort in and I hope that is the case and if not then that’s my problem, none of yours.

Why don't you find some new friends of your own? Male ones. There's lots of men online to chat to and I'm sure many will be up for a walk while he looks after the kids. Obviously that won't be a problem will it?

Slow down, OP. Don't drink the Kool-Aid too fast.

@TheVanguardSix what kool aid? Nothings fast, he knows I haven’t forgiven or forgotten and it’s been 8 months since this all started so it’s not all new, I just wanted some advice on how to move forward or some confirmation that I hadn’t been overreacting by being angry at him and giving him a hard time over the months.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl I’ve actually tried that approach but honestly it felt wrong to me and made me very uncomfortable for both the men I talked to and to myself because I know I’m better than that and my heart just wasn’t in it. (Another reason I’m so angry with him because of how it made me feel I can’t believe he actually did it)

Doesn’t he have any male friends? Do you have friends? What about joining a club or something, both of you- doesn’t have to be the same club. You don’t seem to have any family/friends around you.... He particularly, seems to have a bit of time on his hands if he’s messaging people because he’s fed up.

“After 11 years with literally not even a single day apart in that time” that sounds stifling to be honest!

@Suzi888 I don’t think it’s stifling, we just haven’t ever been away from each other or out of contact, we’ve stayed places independently over night we’ve spent daytimes apart and we went to Somerset universities but at some point of every day we’ve been together because if we ever go away properly we do it together. Nothing wrong with that. He still sees his friends, he has stayed overnight with mates, I’ve stayed overnight at my mums etc, he goes to a gym and he runs otherwise he works 50+ hour weeks so there isn’t always loads of free time and my children have taken my priority over the last three years as I’m sure most mums can understand so I don’t really have groups or hobbies right now and with covid that isn’t possible at the moment either but we have plans to try and do more as a couple and individuals too

Separate lol not somerset😂

Gosh, what a bleak read. What was the point in starting the thread, I wonder?

I would tell him that he should be focusing on fixing the mess not concentrating on this new woman. He needs to decide what is more important and if he chooses her then that is all you need to know.

Asking him to make this decision is not being one of those wives. Unfortunately his behaviour in the past means he is one of those husbands and he has to make the decision to work to fix that and if he is not prepared to do that the he is not worth your effort. This woman is not some long standing best friend, she is at least just a work colleague and therefore should not be that important to choose over his family. She could be just an ego trip, but he is choosing his ego over his family, it could be a flirtation or the start of an affair, again he is choosing this over you. So you choose you x

“dont have any friends or family where we are really it’s just us which doesn’t help the loneliness”

“ He still sees his friends, he has stayed overnight with mates, I’ve stayed overnight at my mums etc, he goes to a gym and he runs otherwise he works 50+ hour weeks so there isn’t always loads of free time and my children have taken my priority over the last three years as I’m sure most mums can understand so I don’t really have groups or hobbies right now” ... but he has time to take walks and message other women.

I’m utterly confused .... but you seem happy so alrighty then!

@Suzi888 yes as in the 11 years we’ve been together, we’ve done separate things 😂 he has work friends that he has met up with a few times, not super regularly because everyone works different hours but we don’t have mutual friends or family close by anymore and like I’ve said I haven’t really made friends because I’ve been focusing on my children so haven’t put myself out there enough to make actual friends. There’s nothing confusing about it lol. He took one walk after a shift. And I guess texting doesn’t take up loads of time if you think about it, most of it was in the evenings when we were just doing our own thing or just a random message at different points throughout the day so I suppose it never took away too much of his time. I’m not happy with any of it, I’m working through it and how I feel but like I’ve said a thousand times I’m not going to jump to divorce because of some talking. Seems like you’ve got some sort of problem but this isn’t the place for it I asked for some tips to get past it and to check whether I was reasonable for feeling how I feel. I didn’t come on here to be blamed and bitched at because I won’t just up and leave my husband because some strangers say to.

@Sanpro oh I don’t know, maybe if you read the original post you’d know 🤦🏽‍♀️
Because I wanted to know if I was being reasonable in feeling angry and upset and also for any tips to move past it or work through how I was feeling. I didn’t make a post just to be ripped into because I won’t up and divorce him straight away. Some people made very helpful comments and for that I am grateful but for the most part it’s like a pack of attack dogs on both me and my husband which I don’t appreciate and certainly doesn’t help anything.

I’ve got no problem! lol I can assure you. I’ve not blamed you. I’m merely commenting on what you have typed, which has discrepancies as far I can see. The loneliness, then suddenly he’s away with his friends. But I certainly never told you to divorce, you’ve made it abundantly clear you don’t mind him texting other women.

Like other posters, just not sure what the point of the thread was. Let him walk with his lady friend and text whoever he wants, there’s no harm, is there.

I think your feelings of anger are reasonable and also that long term the anger will remain.

@Suzi888 there’s no discrepancies, I meant MY loneliness, not his lol. I was the one feeling insecure and lonely, not him, I’m not sure why you think I was referring to him but that isn’t what it meant, he has a couple of work friends, I don’t.

I’m not sure why you think I think it’s okay for him to text other women, I don’t, that’s my whole point in this thread, I wanted to ensure I was right in being angry about it as I’ve seen people defend things like that and say it’s never an issue unless it’s physical.
He has stopped texting other women now. He is only in contact with his friend and is trying to limit that contact now.
Some comments on this thread have helped me to bring it up with him and feel confident to do so and feel validated and have helped me to see what I need to do moving forward etc.
Comments like yours are just condescending and unnecessary.

@onlinelinda thank you. Yes I’ve felt quite angry for the last 8 months, some days more than others. I’m hoping that with time and his effort, the anger will lessen and if not then I’ll know what I need to do x

Are you going to be enough for him though, in the feather stroking department? He sounds like he can’t live without it.

All I said was how about joining a class for what read, as “joint loneliness”. But you seem to have taken extreme offence to that... You posted on a public forum for advice. I’m not sure why you need to lol at things you write. I don’t think it’s funny, I think it’s a very sad post to read.

I think you should’ve just asked for a handhold and reassurance that it’s ok to be a little angry with your husband for messaging these other women and that yes, you need to talk to him about it.

I would personally go bloody mental! it seems there are women with very low standards on here, about what is acceptable and respectful behaviour in a relationship and what isn’t.
I guess time will tell - good luck.

He understands how much he fucked up and i do genuinely believe how broken up he is about hurting me, he has said this himself, he knows and he says that after seeing me break and change before his eyes after finding out that it really put things into perspective and opened his eyes properly to how fucked up it all was and he didn’t realise because he was compartmentalising it and saw it as more of an escape/game because to him it wasn’t real and the women he chatted with didn’t mean anything to him

Pretty words. And following the Script, exactly. Never let your guard down, op.

Stop making excuses for him.
He doesn’t love or respect you.
Sorry but you need to be strong and have some self respect and go your separate ways.

Op- that's the exact thing they ALL say, because they know it's what they need to say. Its so common place, those of us who've been through it over and over recognise that script he's spouting word for word. Younger me would've fallen for it as you are. Older me as I'm now, if I heard it again, would.just laugh. Because it's the same damn script these men trot out when caught. Good luck. You're going to need it, because for the rest of your life with him, unless you find hard evidence, you will never be able.to know for sure what the sneaky fucker is up to, if he's doing it all over again, and it'll.fuck your head up for the rest of the time you stay with him. He's shown you the kind of man he is, and what he's happy doing to you. Pretty words don't change what a human is capable of, once they've proven to you the kind of person they are.