AIBU? Husband was talking to other women.

[Whimsicalwhale]

Hi ladies, forgive me if this is a long and muddled one, I’ve been having a hard time and my head is so messed up with everything going on at the moment.

When I was 7 months pregnant I found out that my husband had been using online dating sites and talking to quite a few other women. We’ve been together for 11 years and I found out that this had been happening on and off for two years.
I found his dating profile and his snapchat that he had been using and I saw some of the messages (he had deleted some before this).
Now let me just state that he never met up with any of these women and it was solely online.
I saw him exchanging selfies and old photos with some girls, he would exchange flirty messages occasionally, calling them beautiful, complimenting their eyes even going as far as to say one of them would have been his fantasy when he was in his late teens etc, nothing overtly sexual that I saw although I confronted him and he’s been telling me more little bits like apparently some selfies that women sent him were suggestive but never nudes, one of these girls he even did a mutual follow with on Instagram, opening her up to the pictures of our children etc which made me a bit uncomfortable.
I found that he would text them first thing in the mornings and before heading home from work, he would be texting them whilst I was asleep and he was even texting one when we were supposed to be celebrating our child’s first birthday. (He claimed he did it when he got bored or fidgety, not with me, just with life etc, but then like I said he was communicating with them everyday. We’ve always had a strong relationship and I genuinely thought everything was okay, I knew he was struggling a bit with his mental health but we were working through it together so I just couldn’t wrap my head around how he could feel okay talking to so many women in the way he did, all behind my back. We have never had issues with friendships of the opposite sex, so if it was just one or two innocent relations then I’d have been fine with it but he really shattered my trust when I found out. Anyway he was extremely apologetic and grovelled and I know he doesn’t do it anymore but he has really done a number on me, especially as this has all happened when pregnant and then with a newborn throughout a pandemic.
I feel like I could have gotten over it but the same month that I found out, he struck up a friendship with a female work colleague and basically since then they message every day, even if they have seen each other at work and now he’s meeting up for walks alone with her and doesn’t see the issue because he’s open about it all. But in my head it’s like he’s replaced all these online females with a real life one (he doesn’t talk to any other male or female colleagues outside of work like this and he doesn’t meet up one to one with any others either) and when even just last year I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid at their friendship, now it is a constant trigger for me reminding me of the hurt and betrayal he caused me and I can’t shake it, I love him but I also have so much resentment towards him for it all and I feel like I don’t have any closure as he deleted a lot of chats before I got to read them so I only have his word to go off.

Basically I just want to know, am I being pathetic for feeling sad about this and not being able to truly move past it? If so does anyone have any tips on what I can do to try and work through it? We have already spoken about it and he knows how I feel but I’m also cautious about becoming one of those wives that restricts who their husband talks to and sees which is definitely not what I want to be.
I just feel so lonely and insecure at the moment.

[AdoreTheBeach]

I’m very sorry to read all this thst has happened to you. He’s cheated, even if not in person. You have every right to feel this way. Be prepared for him to change the narrative. Bolster yourself against this. Keep strong

You should be loved AND respected by your husband. He didn’t do that.

You will survive and you will be stronger.

Best of luck to you.

[notapizzaeater]

He's managed to make you feel guilty for his idiot actions. He's hoodwinked you by telling you half truths. You are better off without him.

[maddening]

You are married with 2 dc and heavily pregnant, he leaves, get the evidence down and see a lawyer.

Good luck x

[Iloveme30]

@EKGEMS

I really feel bad for you-you are defending his choice to contact so many strange women so frequently even after he promised he would stop doing so. I think his choices have damaged your self esteem so badly you will stay with him come he'll or high water until he physically cheats which he will most likely do as you haven't left him for his emotional cheating on you.

Yes just this .
Stop making allowances for bad behavior. It's your life yes you might be strong, you'd have to be putting up with that .
It's not normal and is definitely not something you should go along with you need to be an example for the kids . He's taken the piss big time here . He really really has .Theres nothing wrong with his mental health when he's signing up for dating sites . He has your self esteem on the floor . This won't end well but your the master of your own ship girl do what feels right for you .
I'm not trying to be snooty or drive the nail in either here I have serious compassion for you being heavily pregnant and coping with an already stressful life . Hand hold here any time hope you are ok you deserve love and LOYALTY. Xx

[Chocaholic9]

So sorry OP. You're definitely doing the right thing by leaving him.

[FortniteBoysMum]

It's easier to hide cheating in plain site and tell you your paranoid if you later question it. Tell him you feel his swapped online emotional cheating for doing so with this person that may or may not involve actual cheating now or in the future. Either it stops or your done. He needs to earn trust and clearly he does not deserve it at the moment.

[OlympicProcrastinator]

I’m so sorry you had to find out in the most painful way. It’s the best way, otherwise he would have talked you round again. It’s easier to believe what we want sometimes than face the reality but it would have been a lifetime of misery.

[ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN]

I’m so sorry that you have found out this way

We all lie to ourselves at times because the truth is too painful to deal with you have a young baby It isn’t just about your relationship I would most likely be in denial too

[Whimsicalwhale]

Thanks ladies. I guess you were all right anyway and I really was a true fool. Rose tinted glasses and all that. I accessed his snapchat and am old dating profile and found very explicit messages. I found out he had sent photos of himself naked and received them. I found him explicitly sexting and saying things like I love you and I miss you, he was asking for photo swaps. He even sent explicit images of him masturbating over women as they sent him them back. I honestly feel sick and walking around like my heart is in my stomach. It’s gut wrenching and the most awful pain I’ve experienced. I didn’t ever want to believe it. This is not the man I loved and grew up with 😔 he made jokes about how if these women were closer he’d be late home from work a lot and he made a couple of complaints about his home life. He would tel a couple of these girls that they made him feel alive and happy. One girl even said I fed like we’re having an affair and he said yes, it’s bad but I like it and it feels worth the risk. There was never anything in person but to me this was more than real enough and I feel absolutely crushed. I am still living with him as I have nowhere to go for a couple of weeks which is making it harder, I’m just utterly destroyed and I feel like such a twat for not seeing it.

[Imworthit]

I'm so proud of you. Its not easy but it's so so worth it 💐💐💐

[Thedogscollar]

There is no way I would ever put up with this behaviour. He is having his cake and eating it. Justifying his disrespectful behaviour on his MH is a cop out.
What about you OP?? It all seems to be about him and what he needs. Wake up and smell the coffee he shows you ZERO respect. A marriage is about having a trusting and loving partnership and I'm afraid you don't have it with this selfish man.

[GenevaL]

• trusted not (not ‘trusted big’)

[GenevaL]

His past behaviour has categorically proven beyond all doubt that he can’t be trusted big to behave inappropriately with other women behind your back. You don’t trust him as a result. He tries to reassure him that you can trust him but you know you can’t because he’s already proven that when he claims he’s trustworthy, he isn’t.

Even if he never does it again, he already did it once so there will never be a clean record.

Can you see the problem? You’re going round in circles. You’ll never be able to trust him fully around other women ever again. He caused it. Either he accepts that and allows you to tell him what he is and isn’t permitted to do (based on what you feel you can trust him with, and if it were me then meeting up alone with a woman for a walk in a secluded place would not be one of them)...or you find somebody that you can trust more.

Staying with him and hoping to erase the past so you trust him 100% again is impossible, quite simply because you know that you can’t. So you have to decide if you can settle for a compromise, eg any behaviour of his that makes you worry is instantly stopped. Don’t make him offload this on you as if it’s your jealousy problem. He caused it.

[Anordinarymum]

Well you should be everything to him OP. I can only comment from my own perspective on life and it would not do for me at all.

[Whimsicalwhale]

Nothing specifically new, I managed to get access to one of the dating sites he used and found more messages. Tbh there was nothing super awful, nothing sexual or overly romantic. He’d asked for a girl for a couple of photos ( again nothing sexual-of her in a onesie like the big fluffy pj types, and one of her horse riding but still the fact he asked made me feel a bit weird) and he called her cute a couple of times. She asked if his mrs got angry with him for chatting to random girls (again at no point did the conversation allude to anything but chat/friendship but his reply bothered me) he replied saying that I didn’t really care and was on my phone a lot too. (Obviously I didn’t know so it pissed me off) and then he had sent her messages on my birthday too which was another straw because I just thought on a day where he’s supposed to be making me feel special and loved, hes still found a few minutes to message a basic stranger. I had it all out with him too and I asked for brutal honesty which he did give me, he told me he had found a couple of them attractive and there were sexual innuendos, no sexts or nudes. innuendos and joking about it was the worst level which doesn’t bother me really it’s more the little compliments he gave to these women. ‘Beautiful, cute, lovely, gorgeous, piercing etc etc’ whilst I was getting none of these (he blames complacency but as I told him if he can think to say it to these strangers he should be able to think to say it to his wife.) honestly I’m pretty broken up about it, he’s all I’ve ever known and it’s the future we had planned and the man I once knew that I’m truly grieving but I just thought I’m not going to trust him again, I’m going to spend my life being paranoid, watching him, checking his phone etc worried that one day it may become an actual physical thing no matter how much he swears it wasn’t ever and wouldn’t be and I just figure what type of life is that for either of us, what type of marriage is that. I don’t want a marriage without trust so even though it’s not as bad as many of you are suggesting it’s still enough for me to have trust issues and feel like I’ll never be enough.

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

Found the script. It's a book as it happens

www.amazon.co.uk/SCRIPT-Absolutely-Predictable-Things-Cheat/dp/1401308422?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Anordinarymum]

@Whimsicalwhale

It’s fine everyone. I’ve left him. It’s done.

If you need to talk there is always an ear right here. No judgement x

[damnthatanxiety]

@Whimsicalwhale

It’s fine everyone. I’ve left him. It’s done.

Have I missed something OP? You were saying you were working at things and then this...

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

You didn't have a choice. You can't control his actions and he won't and can't change. Realistically you can only control what you do. Well done

Be prepared for the declarations of love etc. Because you doing it means it's not on his terms - there's something called the script which is on the chumplady website I think. It will be like gazing into the future. Make yourself up a bingo card and be prepared to shout "house" very soon!

[bluebeck]

What happened OP? Did you find something new?

[Whimsicalwhale]

It’s fine everyone. I’ve left him. It’s done.

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

@OlympicProcrastinator

Rather than be upset with that be happy with what you have together?

Well this wins the prize for the biggest load of bollocks I’ve read today. Regardless of whether or not you have different desires you do not have to put up with any of this shit or be happy about him cheating.

And make no mistake, he’s cheating.

Of course he is. And in case you missed it the OP a) won't believe that and b) won't do anything about it. Not only that c) doesn't want anyone to say that.

[OlympicProcrastinator]

Rather than be upset with that be happy with what you have together?

Well this wins the prize for the biggest load of bollocks I’ve read today. Regardless of whether or not you have different desires you do not have to put up with any of this shit or be happy about him cheating.

And make no mistake, he’s cheating.

[OlympicProcrastinator]

I have seen all of the messages he exchanges with his friend I know in my heart that it is just friendship, they talk like normal friends do and there’s no warning signs for me in that sense

No. No you haven’t. You have seen what he wants you to see. You are believing what you want to believe. With respect, you have been and are continuing to be incredibly naive OP. He really has done a number on you hasn’t he?

[Imworthit]

Not attack dogs love, St Bernard Survival dogs. They can seem pretty scary but mean well.