AIBU? Husband was talking to other women.

[Whimsicalwhale]

Hi ladies, forgive me if this is a long and muddled one, I’ve been having a hard time and my head is so messed up with everything going on at the moment.

When I was 7 months pregnant I found out that my husband had been using online dating sites and talking to quite a few other women. We’ve been together for 11 years and I found out that this had been happening on and off for two years.
I found his dating profile and his snapchat that he had been using and I saw some of the messages (he had deleted some before this).
Now let me just state that he never met up with any of these women and it was solely online.
I saw him exchanging selfies and old photos with some girls, he would exchange flirty messages occasionally, calling them beautiful, complimenting their eyes even going as far as to say one of them would have been his fantasy when he was in his late teens etc, nothing overtly sexual that I saw although I confronted him and he’s been telling me more little bits like apparently some selfies that women sent him were suggestive but never nudes, one of these girls he even did a mutual follow with on Instagram, opening her up to the pictures of our children etc which made me a bit uncomfortable.
I found that he would text them first thing in the mornings and before heading home from work, he would be texting them whilst I was asleep and he was even texting one when we were supposed to be celebrating our child’s first birthday. (He claimed he did it when he got bored or fidgety, not with me, just with life etc, but then like I said he was communicating with them everyday. We’ve always had a strong relationship and I genuinely thought everything was okay, I knew he was struggling a bit with his mental health but we were working through it together so I just couldn’t wrap my head around how he could feel okay talking to so many women in the way he did, all behind my back. We have never had issues with friendships of the opposite sex, so if it was just one or two innocent relations then I’d have been fine with it but he really shattered my trust when I found out. Anyway he was extremely apologetic and grovelled and I know he doesn’t do it anymore but he has really done a number on me, especially as this has all happened when pregnant and then with a newborn throughout a pandemic.
I feel like I could have gotten over it but the same month that I found out, he struck up a friendship with a female work colleague and basically since then they message every day, even if they have seen each other at work and now he’s meeting up for walks alone with her and doesn’t see the issue because he’s open about it all. But in my head it’s like he’s replaced all these online females with a real life one (he doesn’t talk to any other male or female colleagues outside of work like this and he doesn’t meet up one to one with any others either) and when even just last year I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid at their friendship, now it is a constant trigger for me reminding me of the hurt and betrayal he caused me and I can’t shake it, I love him but I also have so much resentment towards him for it all and I feel like I don’t have any closure as he deleted a lot of chats before I got to read them so I only have his word to go off.

Basically I just want to know, am I being pathetic for feeling sad about this and not being able to truly move past it? If so does anyone have any tips on what I can do to try and work through it? We have already spoken about it and he knows how I feel but I’m also cautious about becoming one of those wives that restricts who their husband talks to and sees which is definitely not what I want to be.
I just feel so lonely and insecure at the moment.

[queenMab99]

I had a similar experience, although it was pre mobile phones or online
dating, ex was friendly with a school parent he met when picking our youngest up from school, according to him it was platonic, looking back, my son and her son were manipulated into friendship, because it suited them to meet on playdates etc. After 4 years of gaslighting, being accused of middle aged paranoia, hysteria etc. I followed him and found them together. Divorce followed, my son by this time was 11 and had no close friends because he was banned from seeing her son, by her husband. Both my sons were badly affected, my older son was 18 and knew what was going on, but was afraid to tell me, his fear and guilt led to drug addiction. My younger son was devastated, and although he went to university and gained a good degree, his mental health never recovered and he died at 26 because of alcohol addiction.
This all sounds very dramatic, I am a resilient person, and am determined to be happy, but I do regret that I didn't follow my instincts when I was first suspicious, I thought I was doing the right thing by giving him the benefit of the doubt, and being open minded.

[CatSmith]

He cheated when you was pregnant!
If you want to know how to react, might I suggest you read the thread about the naive wife who’s now got herpes, genital herpes from her unfaithful husband!

[Whimsicalwhale]

@CharlieD2020 thank you so so much for that, honestly that’s really helpful and you probably have no idea how much I needed to see that response so thank you truly. I will definitely continue to be open with him about how I feel, perhaps more so now and hope that he makes the right choices to keep me in his life. Xx

[CharlieD2020]

Xxx it's so clear to me from your messages that you are a strong woman and that you love your family and are going to fight for it. And that you know your own mind and won't be swayed negatively by the voices of many. That is true strength! xx

[RantAndDec]

Oh OP, this thread breaks my heart. I have been there. Kind of still am, until I find the strength to kick him out. You sound lovely.
You're making excuses for him, and I think you know that deep down. He absolutely cheated on you when you were at your most vulnerable. The messages may not have been sexual, he may not have met up with anyone else, but I don't know if seeking companionship with other women was actually worse. Sex is one thing, intimacy quite another. The absolute worst thing is that he has been disloyal to you.

Imagine if it had been you. Imagine the grovelling you'd do to keep the relationship going, the naval gazing and the work you'd do to make sure your partner could trust you again. You'd be flat out trying to make them feel amazing and sexy and important. You wouldn't be participating in a friendship that made your partner uncomfortable.

I know it's hard. I know our brains make excuses for these weak, disloyal men. I know they use depression as a get out clause and how that puts us in a fucking impossible position. But by God, it's bollocks OP. They should care more than this.

[Imworthit]

It will all be kittens and rainbows Op. Truly hope it is for you 🐱🎠🎡🌺 Hopefully were all just bitter bitches and you'll find your happiness again. ❤️🌼💐

[EKGEMS]

I really feel bad for you-you are defending his choice to contact so many strange women so frequently even after he promised he would stop doing so. I think his choices have damaged your self esteem so badly you will stay with him come he'll or high water until he physically cheats which he will most likely do as you haven't left him for his emotional cheating on you.

[thepeopleversuswork]

"I don’t feel like I’m being a mug, I’m a strong woman, I’m not a child I’m not letting him get away with and I’m not desperate or weak. I just believe in working for a marriage first before jumping to divorce. I have spoken to him this morning he said he didn’t realise I’d felt the way I did about her and has told me he won’t be going out on his own with her again as he hadn’t intended for it to hurt me.
Like I said, he isn’t some horrible monster. I think it’s very much a case of what @DiddlySquatty is saying. Thank you for that perspective btw. I don’t agree with him doing it but I know he didn’t do it because he doesn’t want to be with me and doesn’t love me more just filling a gap I guess although I did ask why he couldn’t do this with males but obviously sometimes other males aren’t the most understanding or chatty I guess and it is something that he needs to work on."

Sorry to be blunt OP but you are prolonging the inevitable. "Working on a marriage" is code for "persuading yourself that you need to accept a ton of shit behaviour as a cost of having him stick around". It's never ever worth it. It will eat away at your self esteem and trust and leave you unable to stand your ground (which is basically what's happened here). Working past disagreements is one thing. Persuading yourself to tolerate cheating isn't "working on your marriage" its doing a massive number on your sense of what is right and wrong.

He has messaged loads of women behind your back while you were pregnant. I'm sorry but if you make your peace with this you're basically giving him the green light to do this again and again. And he will.

I understand that leaving a marriage is difficult when there are children involved. But if you don't do it now you will have to do it later when your children are older and more aware of what's going on and your sense of self has been eroded even further.

Have a word with yourself and do the right thing. You know its wrong in your gut: stop trying to persuade yourself that it isn't.

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

Why does he need to go for a walk with some random wan he just met? You really think they would say anything sexual in texts when he's telling you he's going for a all with her?
Come on OP open your eyes.
This happened to my friend once. Her dad going a walk with the woman friend. They 2 couples used to do things together. (Her mum and dad, and their 2 neighours) They were very friendly. Friends dad and other woman toom up "walking" together. One night friend was out and caught her dad and woman of the other couple at it in a park. That was lovely for her.

[CharlieD2020]

I disagree. Working on a marriage means just that - acknowledging that both spouses bring challenges and disappoinments into the marriage, but fighting hard together. Both spouses will fail to love and care for the other at points, and sadly, some spouses will let their spouse down in ways like this - which of course leaves their spouse devastated and affects trust. That doesn't mean it's okay, it absolutely is not okay. But marriages take work and I think the dialogue that marriages shouldn't be work is really unhelpful in our culture. It just makes us believe the lie that if times in marriages are hard at times, we must have made a mistake in getting married. The reality is, being married to anyone will be hard. And honestly, our spouse will find being married to us hard at times too. Working on a marriage is a beautiful though often taxing and at times exhausting thing.

[thepeopleversuswork]

@CharlieD2020

I disagree. Working on a marriage means just that - acknowledging that both spouses bring challenges and disappoinments into the marriage, but fighting hard together. Both spouses will fail to love and care for the other at points, and sadly, some spouses will let their spouse down in ways like this - which of course leaves their spouse devastated and affects trust. That doesn't mean it's okay, it absolutely is not okay. But marriages take work and I think the dialogue that marriages shouldn't be work is really unhelpful in our culture. It just makes us believe the lie that if times in marriages are hard at times, we must have made a mistake in getting married. The reality is, being married to anyone will be hard. And honestly, our spouse will find being married to us hard at times too. Working on a marriage is a beautiful though often taxing and at times exhausting thing.

Marriages may take work, but if "work" means tolerating a catalogue of behaviour which fatally undermines one partner's self esteem and trust it just isn't worth the candle.

I find this narrative about "working on the marriage" dishonest and misleading. Stripped of its halo of romantic bollocks, what it actually translates into is "the woman learning to tolerate things from the man which will make her feel bad and under valued."

Marriage is only a worthwhile endeavour if it enhances the happiness and lives of both the partners in the marriage and their children. How can serial cheating by one partner enhance the life of the other partner? In every scenario you and your children are far better off alone than remaining connected to and possibly dependent on someone who has disrespected you in such a brutal way. There is no coming back from this and putting this "working on it" spin is simply a way of conditioning women to accept disrespectful behaviour.

[Whimsicalwhale]

He doesn’t text the other women anymore. That stopped a while ago as soon as I found out and I’ll just add he did always say he was married and had kids, that was never hidden, when people asked what he was there for his answer was always just to chat or banter.
It’s the friendship that’s evolved with a colleague that is now causing me issues. I’ll say it again it wasn’t a relationship solely with this woman he did not seek her out intentionally or anything to begin with it was with another person and the three of them would meet up and text a lot and then when the other two fell out he started talking to them both separately. He has other friends but they aren’t talkative in texts but this one is.

Yes the walk bothers me when he found out how I felt he said he wouldn’t go but I told him he may as well go anyway because the damage was done by not inviting the third person himself. I was in a way hoping he would cancel it anyway because he genuinely wanted to because it didn’t matter to him as much as my feelings did and he wanted to make it up to me but he has gone and just said he won’t go again. (I didn’t want to be the reason he didn’t go I want him to think for himself Iykwim and obviously he did and went anyway so yes I see what you all are saying and I’m pissed off with him tbh).
I know he cheated on me, it took me a little while to view it as that because it wasn’t physical but I did learn the truth to it and I do view it as that now and I guess maybe it won’t get any better especially as I really don’t know what I want from him or what will allow me to heal from it all. I don’t want to always have to spell out my feelings to him either, I want him to just understand because I feel like I’m stuck in limbo and hate going through the same thing with him and at the end of the day if I outright tell him to put an end to a friendship which I’m 98% sure is completely innocent then he’d just grow to resent me anyway so I want him to do it off his own back because he sees how it affects us and our marriage. Like I say I’m going to give him this chance to make his choices and take it from there. See what happens. I’m giving him this chance because i want to and if he does it again or does anything worse then at least in my own head and heart I’ll have an even stronger motive/incentive to leave. My kids are all 3 and under so all young. We have a few years to get to a better place. I appreciate all of your concerns truly but I will be giving him this second chance.

[thepeopleversuswork]

"Like I say I’m going to give him this chance to make his choices and take it from there. See what happens. I’m giving him this chance because i want to and if he does it again or does anything worse then at least in my own head and heart I’ll have an even stronger motive/incentive to leave. My kids are all 3 and under so all young. We have a few years to get to a better place. I appreciate all of your concerns truly but I will be giving him this second chance."

Fair enough... I can understand not wanting to throw it all away until you've given him time to prove himself.

But at least be clear in your head about what your boundaries are and don't allow him to gaslight you into second-guessing yourself and wondering if you're going mad the next time he does it. Draw a line and be prepared to enforce it. And don't buy any of this "working on your marriage" shit. It takes two to tango and you shouldn't be the only one doing the "working on it" bit.

[Whimsicalwhale]

@thepeopleversuswork oh trust me I have boundaries and he knows and if he didn’t he’ll be damn sure of them soon enough. He has never denied anything, always owned up to it and been apologetic. And yes when I say working on it, I guess I mean more ensuring the boundaries are clear, giving him time to prove himself and myself time to feel what I need to and hopefully move past it, as he works to keep me rather than me working to keep him. I suppose what I mean is he needs to work for this marriage if he wants it and then I will see by his actions and the way he deals with this, whether he truly wants to be with me and if I am worth his time, effort and attention and if not then I won’t stay to find out who else is.

[damnthatanxiety]

OP, I am saying this as someone hi has make friends, going for walks with another woman and texting daily is not a platonic friendship. It may not be physical yet. But it is fantasy. It is still cheating. I have several male friends. We meet up for coffee. We also meet up with his wife there sometimes and my husband there sometimes and all 4 of us sometimes. It's normal. I don't message them every day and I don't go for walks alone with them regularly.

[damnthatanxiety]

*who has male friends. Autocorrect.

[Nanny0gg]

[quote Whimsicalwhale]@thepeopleversuswork oh trust me I have boundaries and he knows and if he didn’t he’ll be damn sure of them soon enough. He has never denied anything, always owned up to it and been apologetic. And yes when I say working on it, I guess I mean more ensuring the boundaries are clear, giving him time to prove himself and myself time to feel what I need to and hopefully move past it, as he works to keep me rather than me working to keep him. I suppose what I mean is he needs to work for this marriage if he wants it and then I will see by his actions and the way he deals with this, whether he truly wants to be with me and if I am worth his time, effort and attention and if not then I won’t stay to find out who else is.[/quote]
It's your marriage and it's up to you, not randoms online, but you are letting him call the shots and make the decisions and you will either accept he wants to stay with you or he wants someone else.

I truly hope you can live like that without your mental health suffering.

[schmalex]

OP, do you ever go out with your friends while he takes care of the children? I wonder if you developing your own interests outside of the relationship might help the situation, so he knows you're not just sitting there waiting for him.

[S111n20]

Read 3 lines into this and I’d already made my mind up. Leave him !!

[georgiap67]

Oh OP I hope you are okay and not alone in all this.

I personally find the line blurry. It is cheating but not in any traditional sense. It's also a HUGE online category where people in marriages just want to talk/sext. It doesn't really go into real life and I can believe it's not physical.

I personally believe people who do it do it for emotional gratification - compliments on themselves, self-esteem boosting. It's completely selfish and gross.

I think you firstly need the facts: he most likely did send a dick pic, talk about sex etc. all that kind of stuff.
And if you're okay with that, then that's fine. I would find it hard but think I'd be able to move past it if they were not 'real life' people.

Then the friendship is separate. I think trust has been broken and until you work on that then you will struggle with anything triggering.

Explain what he did wasn't okay and you need to rebuild trust, which means not doing that. Or maybe, you want to meet her? Will that make it better?

[georgiap67]

I have a male friend who I meet up with for drinks, talks, chatting, dinner... I don't always tell my DP.

We have no interest in each other... there's not even been a slight hint of anything more than friendship. I know he feels the same. He has lots of female friends. It's just normal.

[IJustWantSomeBees]

It is obviously your life and your decision OP and I don’t want to tell you to leave him when you clearly don’t want to and I don’t know you, but I will say this:

He knows going for the walk with this woman makes you uncomfortable. He knows. You don’t need to make your boundaries any clearer to him, any sane person could see that after cheating on their partner it would be disrespectful to dive in to spending one on one time with another woman.

He knows this. Women have been conditioned to believe that if men hurt them it’s because of something they’ve done, such as not verbally saying ‘I don’t want you to go on a walk’. Men will often say that they ‘can’t read minds’ but it’s not about reading minds, it’s about following basic social cues and having general consideration for others.

I really hope you see how unacceptable it is that he has gone on this walk despite knowing it is distressing to you. Like many people have said, it is not enough for YOU to want to fix the marriage, he needs to be willing to put you first and if he isn’t doing that right when the betrayal is still so fresh and he should be doing the most to prove that you are his priority, what does that say about his commitment to you?

[Imworthit]

The disrespect is so much more because you both have little ones. He works and has the time to form a daily bond with a new so called friend. He isn't doing much parenting is he?

[malificent7]

Fuck this " its normal to have close friends with opposite sex " shit. Maybe it is...i wouldnt be meeting up with them for intimate walks though...why would i. I only want dp on intimate walks.

[ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN]

Continuous interest and flirting leads to something physical, emotional she is already involved unless one gets bored and he doesn’t appear to be getting bored

Thats how it works

That’s what will happen if it hasn’t already