AIBU? Husband was talking to other women.

[Whimsicalwhale]

Hi ladies, forgive me if this is a long and muddled one, I’ve been having a hard time and my head is so messed up with everything going on at the moment.

When I was 7 months pregnant I found out that my husband had been using online dating sites and talking to quite a few other women. We’ve been together for 11 years and I found out that this had been happening on and off for two years.
I found his dating profile and his snapchat that he had been using and I saw some of the messages (he had deleted some before this).
Now let me just state that he never met up with any of these women and it was solely online.
I saw him exchanging selfies and old photos with some girls, he would exchange flirty messages occasionally, calling them beautiful, complimenting their eyes even going as far as to say one of them would have been his fantasy when he was in his late teens etc, nothing overtly sexual that I saw although I confronted him and he’s been telling me more little bits like apparently some selfies that women sent him were suggestive but never nudes, one of these girls he even did a mutual follow with on Instagram, opening her up to the pictures of our children etc which made me a bit uncomfortable.
I found that he would text them first thing in the mornings and before heading home from work, he would be texting them whilst I was asleep and he was even texting one when we were supposed to be celebrating our child’s first birthday. (He claimed he did it when he got bored or fidgety, not with me, just with life etc, but then like I said he was communicating with them everyday. We’ve always had a strong relationship and I genuinely thought everything was okay, I knew he was struggling a bit with his mental health but we were working through it together so I just couldn’t wrap my head around how he could feel okay talking to so many women in the way he did, all behind my back. We have never had issues with friendships of the opposite sex, so if it was just one or two innocent relations then I’d have been fine with it but he really shattered my trust when I found out. Anyway he was extremely apologetic and grovelled and I know he doesn’t do it anymore but he has really done a number on me, especially as this has all happened when pregnant and then with a newborn throughout a pandemic.
I feel like I could have gotten over it but the same month that I found out, he struck up a friendship with a female work colleague and basically since then they message every day, even if they have seen each other at work and now he’s meeting up for walks alone with her and doesn’t see the issue because he’s open about it all. But in my head it’s like he’s replaced all these online females with a real life one (he doesn’t talk to any other male or female colleagues outside of work like this and he doesn’t meet up one to one with any others either) and when even just last year I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid at their friendship, now it is a constant trigger for me reminding me of the hurt and betrayal he caused me and I can’t shake it, I love him but I also have so much resentment towards him for it all and I feel like I don’t have any closure as he deleted a lot of chats before I got to read them so I only have his word to go off.

Basically I just want to know, am I being pathetic for feeling sad about this and not being able to truly move past it? If so does anyone have any tips on what I can do to try and work through it? We have already spoken about it and he knows how I feel but I’m also cautious about becoming one of those wives that restricts who their husband talks to and sees which is definitely not what I want to be.
I just feel so lonely and insecure at the moment.

Whether it's innocent with the work friend or not, you feel uncomfortable and he should respect that and find another person to go along on the walks with them.

It is very normal for people to get chaperones in this way. I see it a lot, even when there's not the slightest bit of chemistry between me and men, they often get a third person along to avoid any rumours or misunderstandings.

He is cheating-just not physically, YET. And whilst you are at your most vulnerable.
How can you trust him?
You can't because he actively seeks the attention of other women. Wake up, OP. This won't get any better. He's a cunt!

Going back and reading your initial post OP you are wanting to find a way of working through the knowledge of your husband going for a walk with another woman whom he texts.

You are in denial. I hope you manage to find a way through it, but by allowing it to happen and kidding yourself that you are a better person for not kicking off is just prolonging a bad situation which won't end well.

It is almost as if you and he are both gaslighting you

Firstly, can I just say I am sorry you are going through this OP.

What strikes me is that even though he is treating you in the shittiest way, you are concerned about HIS mental health. What about yours? Put yourself first. Don't stand for his behaviour. As PP have said, he is showing you a complete lack of respect.

Messaging other women for 2 years? Seriously? Now going for cosy walks with a colleague? He is an absolute joke.

The thing is OP if he actually respected and cared for you he would be doing all he could to make you feel loved and reassured, not going of walking with another woman, especially when he knows you're upset about it.
He knows you won't leave him so he's doing what he pleases to fill a void in his life and you're sitting back and letting it happen, fretting over whether you're over reacting. He struck gold with you!
You need to work out why you think so little of yourself and change that. 11 years is a fraction of your life, don't waste anymore being with someone who doesn't love or respect you.

He’s stopped the online, but replaced with similar. He hasn’t changed at all, he could have replaced his online break from life needs with running, gaming, drink with male colleagues etc, but he continues to seek validation from other women, probably fantasising about a different life. He’s not addressed the underlying issue/reasons at all. I may have a coffee in a canteen/local coffee shop with a male colleague to catch up - I see people at work occasionally doing this in dinner hours - I’ve also literally seen a couple going a walk at dinner to get privacy and know they were flirting with idea of getting together though one was married. Whatever your partner’s intent he is seeking escape in the wrong way and disrespecting you when you are at your most vulnerable. If he’s having therapy maybe he can discuss he’s just changed his habit, not broken it at all. You need to address it but you’re obviously in a difficult place right now and busy with the young ones as well. I doubt you can/would leave him at present so maybe point out the issue then focus on yourself and wellbeing and try not to worry, until you are ready. Hugs OP.

You are not pathetic for feeling sad about this. But your reaction is wrong, you should be furious about this. He is cheating on you and you seem to be in denial about that. He has no respect for you or your relationship.

Mental health?

Nope. He's gaslighting you.

I wish you luck in finding the strength to kick him out. He's not going to change.

Tell him if he wants to go walkies, get a bloody dog.

I wouldn't put up with that but it is your life OP.

Just to say on the messaging.... I indulge in some chat/messaging/flirting and it meets a need for me, I like meeting new people (ok men). With a couple we have clicked and we talk about everything under the sun. It tends to fizzle out after a while.
I would never do anything physical “in real life” and that is the case for other people I have chatted who I get the impression are happily married.
For me it meets the unmet need in my marriage of chatting. I know it’s a bit fucked up but I just wanted to make the point that even quite intense messaging doesn’t mean that anything physical was bound to happen.
I think it can totally just be escapism.

But agree going for this walk shows a lack of awareness of how it would make you feel.

He is suffering with his mental Health, he claimed that he needed some impartial and light hearted conversation because our lives are quite heavy at the moment

We can all have difficulties with our mental health, it is no excuse to cheat on our partners. Your posts are full of defence after defence for him. Please read and take heed of the advice here and end this relationship. If you don't you are a mug and setting yourself up for years of misery. And this will affect your children.

Ugh is he my ex?!

He’s looking for an escape from reality and if it isn’t sexual yet then it’s almost certainly building up to it.
NO ONE deletes messages. No one.
Ask yourself why you’ve been allowed to only see select chat with her - it’s very suspicious that he’s “already deleted some conversations” yet you get to see the ones where they are arranging walks etc.

Been there I’m afraid and it doesn’t end well. He either needs to snap back to reality or be honest with you that he’s bored with family life and wants to move on.
Please don’t be passive in this, you can take the control back. I really wish I had! Why should he get to call all the shots?
He can go for his walks if he likes but you’re not going to be sat at home with open arms waiting for him to come back! (yes I might be projecting slightly - wish I hadn’t been such a mug in my situation)

Sorry op, but I couldn’t live like that and would never be able to trust him.

He’s shown you who he is. He hooks up with women online and cheats on you by creating relationships (even if never meeting) whereby he contacts them by text and exchanges pictures and messages. Fuck that for a lark.

He’s having a bloody laugh. And now he’s one step further in that he has a real life interest. Hell no.

I can’t see this ending well. He needs to bin the work colleague contact and keep it solely professional, and do all he can to regain your trust, or he’s out the door. He won’t do it, he’ll be defensive if you try to approach the subject, he will minimise and make you think you’re mad. I’ve heard it all before.

I rarely say this on Mumsnet, but I’d bin him.

The problem is that he doesn’t have any boundaries. He’s making you look like a fool

"Basically I just want to know, am I being pathetic for feeling sad about this and not being able to truly move past it? If so does anyone have any tips on what I can do to try and work through it?"

You don't "move past it" and you don't "work through it". You LTB and maintain your agency and dignity.

Seriously. This man has cheated on you. Whether or not he had actual intercourse with these women is irrelevant. There is no working through or coming back from this.

I'm not going to pretend its going to be straightforward but you have to do this for your own happiness and that of your children.

I'm really sorry you've had to deal with this. If he hasn't physically cheated he certainly seems to be trying. If he can do that to you whilst you are carrying his child, he won't stop. Sadly I think its only a matter of time before he crosses the line further.

Yuck - this type of man will always need female attention and approval for his ego and to bolster himself. You mention he is struggling with his mental health. Why does this involve needing to be in contact with loads of other women??

My ex was like this, he had friendships with women which I didn’t necessarily mind, I think it’s normal I have lots of male friends. But there were some the crossed the line, too much messaging, conversations were too intimate. Then there were the women on social media and on whatever sites....like you in was all kind of non sexual at first. At first!

Some men just need this attention to feed their egos. You will never be enough. Sorry.

he had only deleted some chats within the dating apps, he hasn’t ever deleted anything since then. He says that it was on and off throughout the last two years because sometimes he’d be wracked with guilt for even talking to others as he knew it wasn’t normal so he would delete everything to stop himself and then a couple of months later would go back etc but I think like another poster said, it was the escapism he wanted and yes I have addressed the need for him to discuss it in therapy.

He has never deleted any chats with this work colleague.
I don’t feel like I’m being a mug, I’m a strong woman, I’m not a child I’m not letting him get away with and I’m not desperate or weak. I just believe in working for a marriage first before jumping to divorce. I have spoken to him this morning he said he didn’t realise I’d felt the way I did about her and has told me he won’t be going out on his own with her again as he hadn’t intended for it to hurt me.
Like I said, he isn’t some horrible monster. I think it’s very much a case of what @DiddlySquatty is saying. Thank you for that perspective btw. I don’t agree with him doing it but I know he didn’t do it because he doesn’t want to be with me and doesn’t love me more just filling a gap I guess although I did ask why he couldn’t do this with males but obviously sometimes other males aren’t the most understanding or chatty I guess and it is something that he needs to work on.

Yes I am defending him, not his actions of course, I am not going easy on him he has hurt me and he knows he’s done damage and it will take time. I do know this man, I grew up with him, I have spent every single day of my life with him and this really
Isn’t like him so yes maybe it’s the idea of him and who he used to be that I love but I’m not ready to give up on that just yet. He isn’t fucking around physically and being sexual with other women, so yes I’ll defend him from those allegations because you don’t know him aside of this and I do but again I do know it’s hard to get a full picture and what you are all saying, I understand.

I just wanted to know if how I feel was justified, the reactions here prove that I am and that has helped me to feel stronger and to not feel any guilt for giving him a hard time about it and for me personally makes it easier to move forward and assert myself and the clear boundaries but no Im not going to divorce him and walk away from it all at the first sign of a hurdle when he has been trying to make up for it and has been nothing but apologetic, he made friends with this woman alongside a guy she was dating at the time and it was more of a group thing it’s just unfortunate that things changed but I can see that it would be hard to just eliminate his friendship with her because of this, I am hoping now he explicitly knows how I feel regarding everything, that he will also make changes accordingly and we can find our way back. I’m not setting a bad example for my children, they have no idea anything has changed and like I’ve said if anything were to happen again, I would end it but at this point that is not something I want to do.
Thank you all for your responses though, I appreciate you all taking the time.

In my opinion OP, it's irrelevant whether the messages contained anything overtly sexual or whether he did or didn't physically meet them or do anything, your husband that you took vows with was on bloody dating sites and speaking with random women. This is not simply harmless behaviour! Trust me I have been there. My husband did exactly the same thing when I was pregnant with our first. I found out when baby was a month old, I left but then came back after his grovelling. And then it happened again. And again. And again. He got better at hiding things and I just became more and more suspicious, it was not a relationship anymore, it was like a jail sentence. Because I let him get away with it the first time, he realised he could do it over and over and I would put up with it. Eventually something just snapped and I said no more, I told him it was over and I was done being a doormat. Believe me, once the trust goes it NEVER comes back. You will always be suspicious, be wondering what he's up to and with who. Get yourself out now while your baby is little and go be happy x

OP, it doesn't matter if it was in fact just online. He is not satisfied with his married life and just you. I would let him get on with that after divorce

Be wary OP, I was with my ex from when we were teens and I trusted him with my whole life. Still do in some ways, but couldn’t trust him with my heart. Other women’s attention was too appealing to him in the long run.

The main issue here is you dont like what your DH is doing, whether its online dating apps or daily messaging a work colleague and going for walks. Your not happy so he either stops seeking out attention from other woman or you accept this is who he is and wait until he leaves you for one of them. He isnt treating you well.

@Whimsicalwhale I am sorry to hear of what you're going through. That sounds really hard and I completely get why you are feeling sad. I know there are a lot of comments here but I just wanted to chip in with my thoughts. It is very easy for us to say - chuck him in, he is a scumbag - etc, but this is your partner of 11 years and together you make a precious family unit. I would keep working on what you can work on, try to forgive him for all this pain that has been caused, for the sake of your family, and I would also explain to him that meeting up with this colleague is causing you to feel insecure and anxious in your marriage. I agree with you, whatever he has said may not be of a sexual nature, but it is so easy to fall into emotional affairs and even without his history with that, if I were his wife, I wouldn't feel comfortable with him spending so much alone time with another woman away from you. It is too easy for an emotional affair to begin. So I would iust encourage you to be open with him about how you are feeling and tell him you need him to prioritise you and your DC. But also, it is very easy for other peoples condemnations of our spouse to get in our ears. You know him best, trust yourself with that and try to remember the many great qualities I am sure he has, to help you both get through the more desperate times you, and so many spouses, will share.

If you went on dating sites and started hanging out with a new male friend alone would he be cool with that??