Bridezilla or is she BU

[georgiap67]

I know theres lot of uncertainty regarding COVID but please attempt to pretend it doesn't exist for this scenario (if only!!)

I am getting married in a year, my bridesmaid is organising my hen. I absolutely know MN hates abroad hen did so I am potentially setting myself up for fire here but hear me out.

SIL has said she just can't come to my hen do abroad. For reference, she wanted her hen abroad and all her friends have hens abroad, she loves it and goes on them whenever asked. She goes away several times a year and has been abroad twice this year (not taking her now 10month DD - newborn at time) and has been on 2 UK staycations this year with another next week (not taking baby again).

Her excuse is money. The hen isn't somewhere overly expensive but of course would not be dirt cheap. She is currently wanting to buy a brand new car as she's quite obsessed with appearance. Regularly flaunts and discusses their expensive tastes and MIL has given them a disproportionate amount of money as a gift much to DP's upset (he doesn't think he's treated the same as SIL).

Now I'd completely accept anyone giving this excuse except her. When she got married I'd just left university. I had an important professional exam in a week or two following her hen and didn't have the money - but when I tried to explain that she lost her cool and essentially guilted me into it, that was £300 each (then about £100 more for travel and food but I did that as cheaply as poss!)

I feel it's a bit hypocritical. I'm annoyed at making so much effort for little in return.

Both her and DP are doctors and their current joint salary is 6 figures - they got a large chunk of their house gifted to them so their outgoings are less than ours. They don't pay for childcare as MIL does it despite living 2 hours away.

We haven't fully settled on abroad because of COVID. I was just annoyed as she will not come on a hen for the cost which is at most equal to the cost of her own hen.

I think you know YABU. You don't do something generous only if it gets "paid back" in return. She is completely entitled to save her money for what is important to HER. A hen with a SIL most likely means she won't know many people and realistically, any hen that is abroad is going to end up costing £500 minimum. Your wedding and it associated events are not that big a deal to anyone else and they do not have to prioritise it over something else.

Why are you so keen for her to come to your hen do?
You clearly don't like her very much.

It's probably a bit of both bridezilla and BU, OP. I totally see where you're coming though, and I think I'd probably feel the same. Unreasonable in the sense though that there may be more to it than you realise/know and she's only telling you enough to give some kind of a reason not to go. I don't think you have the full story

I understand your frustration but I don't think anyone's under any obligation to feel they have to do an overseas trip for a hen. Her income and her previous willingness to do trips abroad is neither here nor there really.

I don't think you're BU for wanting to do it but I think you're BU to get the hump if people decide they want to spend their money on other things. Your wedding is hugely important to you but she is well within her rights to decide she doesn't want to spend tons of money on it.

YANBU that it's not about the money. She doesn't like you, and it sounds like the feeling is mutual. Do you actually even want her there?

Could it be a polite way of trying to get across that she doesn't want to go do you think? Does she know everyone there well, or are they mostly your friends/family? I the latter, I don't blame her if she doesn't fancy it.

Hen do's can be a bit, you've done one, you've done them all - especially if it's a group you're not familiar with.

If she doesn't want to be there, you're better off without. Nothing worse than a downer there dragging their heels and the rest of you feeling like you're having to babysit.

@HugeAckmansWife
I see your point. But I didn't do it to get it in return, I did it as I was forced into seeing it as a "sisterly thing" as we were becoming family. She hasn't shown the same that she forced on me. That's the only reason I'm so pissed off.

Also flaunting money regularly then telling me you can't afford it is hurtful.

She was unreasonable to expect you to pay so much for her hen.

Don’t be like her. It’s not ok to put your hand in someone else’s pocket.

YANBU

No nobody makes an effort with someone else, or gives gifts to someone else, to get the same back in return.

But when people make shitty excuses and just cant be arsed in return then of course it feels like shit, and of course most people would be miffed.

This site is full of people who buy expensive thoughtful gifts for their MiL and they get a pencil or something in return and everyone has their back because although people don't give to receive, it of course hurts when someone else doesn't put in the same thought / effort as you've done for them.

And your SiL has plenty of time to 'save'

If you insist on her going it will taint your hen do. She’ll be there under duress and she will make that known to you at very least, if not to all the others there. Why would you want someone there who doesn’t want to come anyway? Just to even things up? That’s silly. You’re a grown up. You don’t need to keep a scoreboard.

Graciously accept her decision then don’t discuss any of the prep/planning with her.

Why all the digs at her leaving the baby? Is the baby’s father not capable of looking after his own child?

@AnnieMaul I suspect it's more that, but just be honest then. Don't tell me about your £50k new car

@Rossita it's not digs. It's because I was trying to cover the whole "maybe she doesn't want to leave her child" possibility. That's definitely not an issue.

But no the father is pretty crap at pulling his weight and I'm sure she's on here moaning about it somewhere

Im sorry to say that she just doesn’t want to spend the money on it; if she did then it sounds like she could afford it but doesn’t want to.

@georgiap67 in the nicest possible way - it sounds like it’s “not too much money to them” in that they can afford the total figure, but just don’t want to spend it on your hen party. Which is totally reasonable, I have done similar and would again. It’s a shame that it’s you SIL to be, but it doesn’t sound like you both have a great relationship anyway, so better she doesn’t attend (unhappily) and you have a lovely hen with your real friends/family

I’m another one who is surprised you want her there when you’ve managed to list her many flaws and clearly judge the hell out of her, other than to make a point?

What’s it to you if she goes away without her baby? Was her husband - the other equal parent - not around to care for it?

[quote georgiap67]@HugeAckmansWife
I see your point. But I didn't do it to get it in return, I did it as I was forced into seeing it as a "sisterly thing" as we were becoming family. She hasn't shown the same that she forced on me. That's the only reason I'm so pissed off.

Also flaunting money regularly then telling me you can't afford it is hurtful. [/quote]
In the nicest possible way, you weren't "forced" into doing anything. You could have held your ground if you didn't want to go.

Also you may think she's "flaunting" money but just because she's wealthy she isn't under any obligation to spend her money on things dictated for her by other people. Her money, her call.

To be honest it sounds as if you're envious of her wealth and you don't appear to like her that much so I'm struggling to see why you want her at your hen in the first place.

@Smallsteps88 oh you're right. I obviously don't want her there now. But I am a bit petty and I'm already not wanting to now attend her next party.

She lives 2.5 hours away (purely because of m25 traffic!) and we've driven there 6 times this year, she expects us to go again next month. I always do to keep up appearances and DP doesn't really like her anymore if I'm honest. So I'm now wondering if this means I can reject invitations

She sounds a dick. I mean, you don’t come off brilliantly, but why do you even want her to come? It sounds like you don’t like her much.

And she didn’t make you go on her hen do. You weren’t a child. You might have felt pressured but it was still your choice.

You couldn’t pay me to go on a hen do abroad. No one would make me do it, I’d love to see them try...

You don’t appear to like her at all, so I can only conclude that you want her to attend your hen purely as ‘payback’ for you attending hers?

I always do to keep up appearances and DP doesn't really like her anymore if I'm honest.

You've answered your own question. You're just doing it to "keep up appearances" and your DP doesn't like her. It sounds as if the feeling is mutual. So don't waste emotional energy on regretting that she's not coming to your hen and stop judging her for what she does or doesn't do with her money.

@thepeopleversuswork I did want her there originally.

I felt forced because I was 21, in my first good relationship and wanted to make a good impression - she had stern words with DP about me saying I couldn't go until he said I needed to. I hated it. But that's not relevant.

I agree she doesn't want to spend her money on me, but I hate the excuses. Or the fakery around it. Or that she was suggesting destinations to me!

Not jealous of her wealth, we now out earn them but just have a different approach to how we spend and show it.

I have declined an abroad hen before and no doubt similar things could have been said about me- I’d organised two other massive holidays and am a doctor. However I’d already stretched myself on the things I had booked and then there was talk of redundancies at my DP’s work. It doesn’t really matter how much you earn- if you have committed most of that income to other things. She is perfectly entitled to want a new car instead of going on your hen. Also being frank you sound like you’d have more fun without her!

Okay. So your boyfriend doesn’t like her, you don’t like her, you don’t want her to go on your hen do, she’s not going, you don’t want to visit her - I’m sure she’ll cope with the disappointment. Win win.