Bridezilla or is she BU

[georgiap67]

I know theres lot of uncertainty regarding COVID but please attempt to pretend it doesn't exist for this scenario (if only!!)

I am getting married in a year, my bridesmaid is organising my hen. I absolutely know MN hates abroad hen did so I am potentially setting myself up for fire here but hear me out.

SIL has said she just can't come to my hen do abroad. For reference, she wanted her hen abroad and all her friends have hens abroad, she loves it and goes on them whenever asked. She goes away several times a year and has been abroad twice this year (not taking her now 10month DD - newborn at time) and has been on 2 UK staycations this year with another next week (not taking baby again).

Her excuse is money. The hen isn't somewhere overly expensive but of course would not be dirt cheap. She is currently wanting to buy a brand new car as she's quite obsessed with appearance. Regularly flaunts and discusses their expensive tastes and MIL has given them a disproportionate amount of money as a gift much to DP's upset (he doesn't think he's treated the same as SIL).

Now I'd completely accept anyone giving this excuse except her. When she got married I'd just left university. I had an important professional exam in a week or two following her hen and didn't have the money - but when I tried to explain that she lost her cool and essentially guilted me into it, that was £300 each (then about £100 more for travel and food but I did that as cheaply as poss!)

I feel it's a bit hypocritical. I'm annoyed at making so much effort for little in return.

Both her and DP are doctors and their current joint salary is 6 figures - they got a large chunk of their house gifted to them so their outgoings are less than ours. They don't pay for childcare as MIL does it despite living 2 hours away.

We haven't fully settled on abroad because of COVID. I was just annoyed as she will not come on a hen for the cost which is at most equal to the cost of her own hen.

I get why you're annoyed. I would be too.

You need to just cool off towards her. She can attend your wedding as a guest. And no more going to visit her until she visits you.

You seem to be putting much more effort into this friendship than she does. So stop.

YANBU to be irritated but honestly, just let it go. She’s not obliged to come to your hen just because you went to hers.

I’d scale back on the contact as well, it doesn’t sound like you like each other and her own brother doesn’t get on with her either. Don’t fall into the trap of facilitating in-law relations before your married.

Her hen was awful and she hated it. She whispered to me whilst we were there "at least I know what not to do for your hen!"

Was she expecting to be your MOH and is now sulking because she isn't?

I haven't responded to SIL yet to be honest. I don't know how to respond

How about 'what a relief'? 😈

Jest aside, yes she has double standards, no she shouldn't get a role/say in the wedding and hen, and now you can tell her to butt out of the planning. It will be a relief. Oh and don't go to her's if you don't feel like it, just give a lame excuse and let her moan.

So basically - leave it. Congrats and chill .

It doesn't sound like you enjoy her company anyway. You will still have a good time without her.

I would bank it though. Bank it in your head and next time she tries to guilt you into something 'cause family' you will not have to feel guilty about saying no.

Now I'd completely accept anyone giving this excuse except her.

Well it's not really in your power to accept it or not is it? She isn't coming because she doesn't want to. So what?

You sound really hung up on this. I don't think I would have given it a second thought.

Is it because she won't be the centre of attention?
Do you actually like her and really want her to go?you may enjoy it more without her?
Cut your losses,accept she said no and just enjoy your hen do wherever it is.

Thanks for the responses!

I think my insane bitterness is because I've made a lot of effort with her when DP had given up. He has a chip on his shoulder and the posted who said about golden child was very correct, there's been a lot of drama in his family.

I suppose this is a great excuse to stop making effort but I find it hard to. Especially with DN now being in the world and wanting to be part of her life.

I'm going to drop it now and leave it be. Thanks again :)

I think my insane bitterness is because I've made a lot of effort with her when DP had given up.

This is hugely important.

There are people like me who grew up in toxic families. It is deeply insulting victim blaming when friends/partners decide to "make an effort" after I have "given up."

It is a reinforcement of the message that my family troubles are caused by me and my behaviour. Everything could be all happy families if I were nicer, if made more of an effort, if I chose my words more carefully, if I did X,Y,Z. You the outsider have decided it will all be fine for you because you know how to behave unlike me.

Now, you may not have meant to give that message to your DP but that is the message there.

It has also led to a fuck ton of pain for you. You have had to learn the hard way.

It’s her money and her time, she is perfectly entitled to choose how she spends them. Likewise you are not obliged to do spend your time in ways that you don’t really want to. We’d all be much happier and less stressed if we said a frank ‘no thanks’ far more often rather than doing things because we feel obliged.

Far better she stays away than comes and quietly seethes, thinking of all the things she would rather have spent her money on.

I'd go for broke here

'Yes it's tough isn't it. I remember when I just couldn't afford your hen at all, it was so upsetting and worrying when everyone kicked off at me for it, and I literally had NO money at all. Glad to know it'll be easier for you to manage, the new car sounds fab and if you've that much spare you shouldn't have too much trouble rearranging in order to prioritise this family event. I expect to see you there, just as you expected to see me. But do let me know if you really are going to choose not to come to my hen in return - for one thing, it'll be useful to know if we don't need to come down to London next month after all. Best, X.'

Maybe she just has passed the stage where she likes hen dos. Personally, I hate them but went to a fair few when younger. The abroad ones are worst as you are captive and cannot pick and choose! I would decline now if abroad and would just pop along for the day/evening if in the UK as I have kids and have other priorities as to how I want to spend money and time.

It's the same dynamics with my in-laws.

You can now finally step back, she can't have a major role in your wedding as she'll be looking after he DC surely?

Doesn't matter how much or how little you do she will whine and cry as it's all about her and Mummy & Daddy will carry on pandering to her and treating your DP like shit in comparison.

Been there, got the T-shirt!

I think you owe it to your dp to step back and create some serious distance actually. You didn’t trust his opinion of his family so went about putting this insane effort in, but actually he was right and you have made it harder for him. Time to support him, tell him thank goodness she’s been her true self and can’t be arsed, he is all you need and what fun thing shall we do instead of her stupid party?