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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridezilla or is she BU

114 replies

georgiap67 · 13/09/2020 21:39

I know theres lot of uncertainty regarding COVID but please attempt to pretend it doesn't exist for this scenario (if only!!)

I am getting married in a year, my bridesmaid is organising my hen. I absolutely know MN hates abroad hen did so I am potentially setting myself up for fire here but hear me out.

SIL has said she just can't come to my hen do abroad. For reference, she wanted her hen abroad and all her friends have hens abroad, she loves it and goes on them whenever asked. She goes away several times a year and has been abroad twice this year (not taking her now 10month DD - newborn at time) and has been on 2 UK staycations this year with another next week (not taking baby again).

Her excuse is money. The hen isn't somewhere overly expensive but of course would not be dirt cheap. She is currently wanting to buy a brand new car as she's quite obsessed with appearance. Regularly flaunts and discusses their expensive tastes and MIL has given them a disproportionate amount of money as a gift much to DP's upset (he doesn't think he's treated the same as SIL).

Now I'd completely accept anyone giving this excuse except her. When she got married I'd just left university. I had an important professional exam in a week or two following her hen and didn't have the money - but when I tried to explain that she lost her cool and essentially guilted me into it, that was £300 each (then about £100 more for travel and food but I did that as cheaply as poss!)

I feel it's a bit hypocritical. I'm annoyed at making so much effort for little in return.

Both her and DP are doctors and their current joint salary is 6 figures - they got a large chunk of their house gifted to them so their outgoings are less than ours. They don't pay for childcare as MIL does it despite living 2 hours away.

We haven't fully settled on abroad because of COVID. I was just annoyed as she will not come on a hen for the cost which is at most equal to the cost of her own hen.

OP posts:

TitsOutForHarambe · 13/09/2020 22:31

Sounds like you really don't like her. So take it as a good thing that she isn't going. Stop making so much effort with people who you don't like. She clearly doesn't do you the same courtesy.

BoomBoomsCousin · 13/09/2020 22:34

YANBU to be a bit pissed at your SiL for being unwilling to put in the time, effort and money that she pushed you into spending on her. But the real issue here is you not being prepared to stand your ground when you should have and your SiL pressuring you when she should have left it, not her failing to go along with a trip she doesn't want to attend.

More to the point, though, why on earth would you even want someone on your hen do who didn't really want to be there?

Thisisnotnormal69 · 13/09/2020 22:35

I agree with you and think she’s being unreasonable

Thisisnotnormal69 · 13/09/2020 22:35

(And a bitch)

RoseTintedAtuin · 13/09/2020 22:38

YABU. Yes you can be irritated but she can spend her money on what she wants and a hen do is not everyone’s idea of a great time (my SIL didn’t come to mine because it’s simply not her type of thing and it was fine). Whatever her reasons are it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t appear to be malicious.

redcarbluecar · 13/09/2020 22:38

She may not have been entirely honest about her reasons - perhaps that’s a side of her character you’ll always find difficult- but I think you just need to accept that she doesn’t want to go to your hen. You’ve chosen to do something very expensive and time-costly (compared to, say, a night out) and it won’t be for everyone. It’s not really your business what else she chooses to spend her money on. Just accept her position and move on.

Sanitisethat · 13/09/2020 22:39

I think it’s a bit of both. She was very unreasonable to guilt you into attending her hen when it wasn’t convenient for you. You’re a bit unreasonable to expect her to pay for a hen abroad, even if you think she can afford it. If you have a hen party in another country you just have to accept that for some people it will never be worth the time and expense, even if they can technically afford both. She should obviously have shown you the same consideration when it was her turn.

froggygoneacourting · 13/09/2020 22:43

The SIL sounds like a complete brat.

Ringing up your brother to make him bully his girlfriend into doing something is abusive behaviour. It’s all well and good saying “no ones obligated to ever do anything they don’t want to do” but in the real world politeness is the social lubrications of family. Making extreme demands on a family member then refusing to reciprocate is rude and selfish, and it’s only on MN that anyone would disagree.

The faux-shocked “but why did you allow yourself to be bullied headtilt” comments need to get in a bin.

Branleuse · 13/09/2020 22:44

I think she wants you to beg her, or she wants some drama.
I wouldnt play her game. Id say ' OK are you absolutely sure, because need to finalise numbers"

Coyoacan · 13/09/2020 23:06

You should respond to SIL like you did to the other woman "cool I get it, we should grab dinner though?"

This

Stop fanning the flames of your dislike of her, OP, because she's not going to disappear from your life. You should look for things to like about her instead. You don't want her at your hen do and she doesn't want to go, win, win.

Unsure33 · 13/09/2020 23:08

Don’t bite . Just say “ thank you for letting me know . Sorry you won’t be there. Enjoy your new car .”

Then enjoy the celebration.

itwaseverthus · 13/09/2020 23:16

Bridezilla. And in a few years, if you re-read this post, you will, rightly, be mortified.

Inkpaperstars · 13/09/2020 23:17

It's a hen do. It doesn't matter. Your issues with each other are a separate issue.

lioncitygirl · 13/09/2020 23:18

Yabu. You don’t sound like you like her so that’s prob why you feel like you do. What’s the backstory?

LunaTheCat · 13/09/2020 23:25

If she is a doctor then maybe she realises that hen do’s abroad - even some time away may be very very risky.

Unsure33 · 13/09/2020 23:30

@LunaTheCat

But that’s the point . She should just be honest and say that.

Thewiseoneincognito · 13/09/2020 23:37

She’s probably not that into you OP. As someone else said, hen dos abroad are a bit meh anyway, once you’ve done one you’re over them especially with people you don’t really know. I’d say tacky and a bit Mrs Hinch iykwim 🤭

underneaththeash · 13/09/2020 23:40

Organise what you want OP and if she can't/won't come she won't. She may be pregnant again and not wanting to let you down.
Ask once . You're perfectly entitled to also not visit her if it doesn't suit.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 13/09/2020 23:42

Op, your SIL sounds like a bitch. Just be thankful she won't be coming to your Hen do, stop driving up and down the M25 to visit her and just go very, very low contact.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 13/09/2020 23:49

Yanbu. And I would tell her that you came to hers when you had just graduated and were skint and that she's being 'unsisterly'. I couldn't just let it go.
Mostly though, I'd have reservations about marrying a man who told me I 'had' to go to his sister's hen do in the first place. I think this is a more pressing situation.
Why is your dp not putting pressure on her to attend as he did on you when it was her hen?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 13/09/2020 23:51

I think your set up sounds like you bend over backwards to accommodate your dp's family and I can't see what's in it for you.

TorgosPizza · 13/09/2020 23:52

It does sound annoying, since she guilted you into attending hers, but as PP have said, you're better off without her there, if she feels that way about it.

I'd learn from this and never allow her to try to force or manipulate me again, in future. It's clearly one set of rules for her and another for everyone else. Enough of that!

Candyfloss99 · 14/09/2020 00:13

So you resent having to pay £300 to go on someone's hen do but you are now going to make people do the same? So you don't even care that all your friends and family will resent you for forcing them to spend their hard earned money on a holiday that they'll just feel obliged to go on but no-one will really want to? Weird. I think your SIL is being entirely reasonable.

newnameforthis123 · 14/09/2020 00:21

@Coyoacan

You should respond to SIL like you did to the other woman "cool I get it, we should grab dinner though?"

This

This. You don't want her there and she won't be. Ideal, no?

You paid £300 a few years ago because you felt obliged and pressured. Let it go.

Again, she doesn't want to go and you don't actually want her to go. You're actually on the same page really.

newnameforthis123 · 14/09/2020 00:22

And I know you don't want to hear it but organising a hen do abroad for sometime in the next 12 months is asking a hell of a lot of people who have likely missed out on a family / couple / main holiday this year, had a hit on finances and can't afford to take the risk of it resurgent and the rules / quarantine etc changing again. Surely you can see that's asking a lot of people?

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