Bridezilla or is she BU

[georgiap67]

I know theres lot of uncertainty regarding COVID but please attempt to pretend it doesn't exist for this scenario (if only!!)

I am getting married in a year, my bridesmaid is organising my hen. I absolutely know MN hates abroad hen did so I am potentially setting myself up for fire here but hear me out.

SIL has said she just can't come to my hen do abroad. For reference, she wanted her hen abroad and all her friends have hens abroad, she loves it and goes on them whenever asked. She goes away several times a year and has been abroad twice this year (not taking her now 10month DD - newborn at time) and has been on 2 UK staycations this year with another next week (not taking baby again).

Her excuse is money. The hen isn't somewhere overly expensive but of course would not be dirt cheap. She is currently wanting to buy a brand new car as she's quite obsessed with appearance. Regularly flaunts and discusses their expensive tastes and MIL has given them a disproportionate amount of money as a gift much to DP's upset (he doesn't think he's treated the same as SIL).

Now I'd completely accept anyone giving this excuse except her. When she got married I'd just left university. I had an important professional exam in a week or two following her hen and didn't have the money - but when I tried to explain that she lost her cool and essentially guilted me into it, that was £300 each (then about £100 more for travel and food but I did that as cheaply as poss!)

I feel it's a bit hypocritical. I'm annoyed at making so much effort for little in return.

Both her and DP are doctors and their current joint salary is 6 figures - they got a large chunk of their house gifted to them so their outgoings are less than ours. They don't pay for childcare as MIL does it despite living 2 hours away.

We haven't fully settled on abroad because of COVID. I was just annoyed as she will not come on a hen for the cost which is at most equal to the cost of her own hen.

She sounds very bratty. You need to look on this as a blessing though, as it will finally give you the oomph to calmly decline to her parties that you don’t want to go to. You now know can’t afford it, bit stressed with work, and busy are all great reasons not to even if obviously untrue. So now you know that, respond cheerfully re hens. No worries, understand completely, these new cars don’t buy themselves! Let me know if you want to organise dinner out our way sometime instead. (Ok cheerful with a touch of snide, but nothing you could be called out on. And you’ve laid further boundaries- if she wants to catch up, she organises, and your part of town. You’re super busy remember!)

Maybe you're cross with yourself for saying yes when you really couldn't afford it and had important exams coming up?

She sounds like a bit of a bully and a guilt tripper. It's disappointing when you realise people set different rules for you and them.

You know now though and you can happily do far, far less in the relationship.

P.S. have a local hen do

Where are you planning to go? Obviously I can't speak for her but I'm not planning book any trips abroad anytime soon to places that are at risk of going on to the quarantine list because if I have to quarantine on return, the two weeks unpaid leave will be really expensive. A lot of hospital trusts are saying that it would be unpaid if you book it now (but if you booked it before the pandemic it isn't).

You sound like you really don't like her. She probably doesnt like you either.

Why ^should she spend a lot of time and money to go to your hen do when you dont like her?

Just add it to the reasons why you think shes not a nice person and leave her in peace.

Honestly I think you should just let it go. You don’t sound like you get on that well, so it probably would be better not to have her there. You didn’t really want to pay that much to go to hers but felt forced into it- she feels the same but isn’t someone to be forced into things I guess. She doesn’t sound that nice, I would just accept it and focus on enjoying it with the people you really want there. And it gives you the power back- just smile and say ‘ no problem’, and then it’s clear you’re not that bothered about her.

I felt forced because I was 21, in my first good relationship and wanted to make a good impression - she had stern words with DP about me saying I couldn't go until he said I needed to. I hated it. But that's not relevant.

Actually, this IS relevant and a possible red flag.
In this scenario, your DP should have backed you one hundred per cent.

Instead he chose to back his sister..

This SIL-to-be sounds like a Golden Child. You mentioned that your MIL-to-be favours her by giving her large monetary gifts which she hasn't given to your DP. So if these two are seemingly beholden to her, it may be a portent of conflict to come.

I hope that I am wrong and wish you the best.

If she doesn't want to go, she doesn't want to go.

Anything else is irrelevant.

It sounds like she either just isn't a very nice person, or doesn't like you, or both. Sorry op.

I'd be tempted to call her out on it tbh.

YANBU as she also had an overseas hen, and guilted you into going along when you were a poor student!!!

Well, maybe she can't afford a new car and to take a holiday too. It's her money. How she spends it has nothing to do with you.

Also, this pressure on people to go on ridiculous hen dos is so stupid. You tell people you'll be going to X destination at Y time and that it costs Z. They are welcome to join you but no-one should be made to feel that they are going to offend for not going to a bloody hen do.

As pp have said, now is the time to knock the visits on the head, and definitely don't give her a part in the wedding (CF!)

And have your hen wherever you like! MN approved hens involve the cheapest of the cheap LOCAL meal, no fuss or cost, and straight home after. A hen abroad in MN-land, fetch the smelling salts! They are satan's holidays

22newnameforthis123

"And I know you don't want to hear it but organising a hen do abroad for sometime in the next 12 months is asking a hell of a lot of people who have likely missed out on a family / couple / main holiday this year, had a hit on finances and can't afford to take the risk of it resurgent and the rules / quarantine etc changing again. Surely you can see that's asking a lot of people?"

I agree with this - as well as risk people losing their money!

but..... if you change the venue to a cottage/spa etc don't now invite SIL. She has declined leave it at that. Even if she later say's "I would have liked to do x.." just say "aah that's a shame".

It is clear it's not about money or if it is only in the sense that she doesn't choose to spend her money in that way. Her excuse is simply politer than "I don't want to" or "I can't be bothered". For your reply I would simply say "no worries! see you soon x" Don't give her the satisfaction of thinking you are even slightly bothered.

As far as you going on her hen do I can understand you were guilted into it but I think actually it is yourself that you are cross with for not standing your ground. Learn to not make that mistake again. It sounds like you hated the experience as much as you thought you would.

It is a real pain but I would leave any bookings until nearer the time. See if you and your guests can agree the dates and budget and wait and see. E.g. If it was now then you wouldn't be allowed more than 6 at a venue in this country. Who knows what the rules will be.

She can spend her money how she wants to. If she's like me she'll have her money budgeted for something else. If she doesn't have the money then she doesn't have it. No one would ever say they don't want to spend the money on you unless they were a real cow.

@WalkingInTheAir13

I felt forced because I was 21, in my first good relationship and wanted to make a good impression - she had stern words with DP about me saying I couldn't go until he said I needed to. I hated it. But that's not relevant.

Actually, this IS relevant and a possible red flag.
In this scenario, your DP should have backed you one hundred per cent.

Instead he chose to back his sister..

This SIL-to-be sounds like a Golden Child. You mentioned that your MIL-to-be favours her by giving her large monetary gifts which she hasn't given to your DP. So if these two are seemingly beholden to her, it may be a portent of conflict to come.

I hope that I am wrong and wish you the best.

Agree a bit of solidarity would have been nice but its not really up to the DP is it? The OP has said she was 21 and got "guilted" into shelling out to go on this hen. Bottom line is that being "guilted" is not the same as being "forced".

I can see how it's difficult but she's looking at it the wrong way: instead of moaning about how the SIL doesn't capitulate in the same way she did she should be learning to grow a bit of backbone and stand her ground.

Nobody is ever "forced" to go to a hen do - nobody puts you up against a wall at gunpoint. If you aren't big and strong enough to resist peer pressure, that's on you and you need to own it. Not bitch on about how unfair it is that other people have more money than you.

And, just as an aside, anyone planning an overseas hen do right now wants their head examined. For so many different reasons.

You've invited her; she doesn't want to come. End of. Move on. Enjoy your hen.

[quote georgiap67]@Smallsteps88 honestly I wouldn't. Others said it and I was like "cool I get it, we should grab dinner though?" I'll be honest, that was 1 person as everyone else was very excited.

My DP's brother's girlfriend also said about the financial aspect but instead responded to my bridesmaid to try and understand costs better, rather than ignoring her and leaving her hanging still.

I haven't responded to SIL yet to be honest. I don't know how to respond. [/quote]
So not everyone else was very excited. Three of the people you’ve invited have been openly concerned about the cost. Doesn’t that tell you something?

As pp have said - you clearly don’t like her and think it’s your business what she chooses to spend her own money on. So not having her at your hen party is a positive, no?

@Thisisnotnormal69 hehe thanks!

@Candyfloss99 I had just graduated, in a job where if you fail an exam you're immediately fired, revising for an exam with a low pass rate AND had no money. It was circumstantial. If this hadn't have happened I'd have forgotten about her hen and the circumstances.

Her hen was awful and she hated it. She whispered to me whilst we were there "at least I know what not to do for your hen!"

@newnameforthis123 this answer is probably worse but everyone coming on my hen do has been abroad this summer

I have declined a few hen dos saying I could not afford it, when in reality I just didn't want to go. It doesn't sound like you want her there anyway so your reaction, rather than anger, should be relief. Just say 'OK no problem, thanks for letting me know'.

I havent read the whole thread but you're better with her not coming. DH and I had our wedding abroad and BIL and DW clearly werent keen as it wasnt a destination they would have picked for a holiday but begrudgingly came. I would have preferred they hadn't. They said they were saving for a house deposit (still are years later) yet they go on numerous breaks/holidays and are frivolous in other ways. They were critical and opinionated about our hotel etc so in hindsight it would have been more enjoyable without them

[quote georgiap67]@newnameforthis123 this answer is probably worse but everyone coming on my hen do has been abroad this summer [/quote]
Don't you think regardless that booking something abroad at the moment is really short sighted? I guess I just don't see why it has to be overseas. Nobody likes the fact life has changed so much this year but the reality is it has and so stuff like risking losing loads of money on a hen do if the rules get changed again is just silly. And people may have had financial pressure you don't know about. Maybe that holiday they had this summer meant they are being more careful for a while? One of my friends has a huge salary, had a holiday this summer but won't be doing extras like stags next year because he's bought his mum a car so she doesn't stranded and given a lump sump to his brother who got made redundant after being on furlough ages. So not the usual disposable income, but I don't think anyone else knows that except me and his family. You never know what people's situations are completely. The abroad thing is asking a lot of people at the moment in many ways.

Oh and as I said - you don't want her there, not really, and she doesn't want to be there. So you're on the same page which is ideal!