Bridezilla or is she BU

[georgiap67]

I know theres lot of uncertainty regarding COVID but please attempt to pretend it doesn't exist for this scenario (if only!!)

I am getting married in a year, my bridesmaid is organising my hen. I absolutely know MN hates abroad hen did so I am potentially setting myself up for fire here but hear me out.

SIL has said she just can't come to my hen do abroad. For reference, she wanted her hen abroad and all her friends have hens abroad, she loves it and goes on them whenever asked. She goes away several times a year and has been abroad twice this year (not taking her now 10month DD - newborn at time) and has been on 2 UK staycations this year with another next week (not taking baby again).

Her excuse is money. The hen isn't somewhere overly expensive but of course would not be dirt cheap. She is currently wanting to buy a brand new car as she's quite obsessed with appearance. Regularly flaunts and discusses their expensive tastes and MIL has given them a disproportionate amount of money as a gift much to DP's upset (he doesn't think he's treated the same as SIL).

Now I'd completely accept anyone giving this excuse except her. When she got married I'd just left university. I had an important professional exam in a week or two following her hen and didn't have the money - but when I tried to explain that she lost her cool and essentially guilted me into it, that was £300 each (then about £100 more for travel and food but I did that as cheaply as poss!)

I feel it's a bit hypocritical. I'm annoyed at making so much effort for little in return.

Both her and DP are doctors and their current joint salary is 6 figures - they got a large chunk of their house gifted to them so their outgoings are less than ours. They don't pay for childcare as MIL does it despite living 2 hours away.

We haven't fully settled on abroad because of COVID. I was just annoyed as she will not come on a hen for the cost which is at most equal to the cost of her own hen.

@AnneLovesGilbert I did like her a lot more until this. I put the money for her hen down to just a long term investment in my future family.

I'm just very bitter and probably come off like a petulant child right now which is how I feel

It would be even worse for her to say she doesn't like you at this stage. Blaming money is a "nice" way to refuse you.

Two important things here I think. Firstly, don't have someone at a party who does not want to be there, it gets spoiled for everyone with the stress and atmosphere. Secondly, learn to have your own mind like she does: you were daft to cave when you were a student. Right now you are willing her to cave like you did (and be resentful forever too presumably).

Learn from her giving no fucks and going for what she wants. Like letting the other parent parent while she has a weekend away (you seem shocked by this). She knows her mind and probably expects you to know yours. I bet she assumes that if you came along to her hen it was because you wanted to in the end, she may not comprehend people feeling guilt over saying no and thus saying yes when they want no.

Non-martyrs can find martyr-logic baffling.

She's clearly more assertive than you, you said no but were then persuaded otherwise, that's on you. She's said no and seems to be sticking to it.
I had my hen in the UK but have been on hens abroad and had a good time, so I'm ambivalent about the actual concept, but wouldn't have wanted anyone there under duress.

@TheNanny23 I get you. I completely agree. Others have declined who I know could afford it but they don't want to and I accept that, doesn't hurt at all. They were honest.

It's her I'm annoyed about. The hypocrisy, double standards and worst of all, originally suggesting the destinations it should be a few months ago.

I agree she doesn't want to spend her money on me, but I hate the excuses. Or the fakery around it.

Be honest, if she’d just been honest and said “no, I don’t want to go.” You’d have been outraged at how brazen she was being after pressuring you to go to hers. The excuses/fakery are her way of avoiding hurting you by being brutally honest.

I agree she doesn't want to spend her money on me, but I hate the excuses. Or the fakery around it. Or that she was suggesting destinations to me!

Meh... people say all sorts of things in the name of family diplomacy. But its one thing to suggest destinations and another to drop several hundred quid on a hen weekend abroad. Also of course she made excuses: did you actually want her to say "I don't like you enough to come to your hen"?

Sorry to sound flip but this is life: people say things they don't mean to smooth life over. Life is too short to get upset about stuff like this. Focus on spending time with people you really like and don't waste energy on someone you're not bothered about.

@Smallsteps88 honestly I wouldn't. Others said it and I was like "cool I get it, we should grab dinner though?" I'll be honest, that was 1 person as everyone else was very excited.

My DP's brother's girlfriend also said about the financial aspect but instead responded to my bridesmaid to try and understand costs better, rather than ignoring her and leaving her hanging still.

I haven't responded to SIL yet to be honest. I don't know how to respond.

YANBU to be annoyed by it...I would be. But also, a bit relieved...at least you won’t have her there winding you up and you can enjoy your hen in peace. I hope it is amazing

She could have been entirely honest about it being a great hen destination. That does not equate to her wanting to forgo her holidays to spend time there with you and your mates.

You went to a party you didn't want to go to and couldn't afford. More fool you.

What reason for non-attendance would have been acceptable to you?

What's the point of making all this effort for someone who doesn't care about you? Hit the mute button on this woman, you're not getting anything out of it. Imagine the pleasure of NOT hearing about the holidays and cars and money. Bliss!
Reckon she might miss rubbing your face in it though.

@thepeopleversuswork I understand, thank you, I'll try. I just think getting other people to agree she's acted like a dick will make me feel better. Ha!

I just want to add the buying a new car and not being able to afford the hen were in the same message...

When is the hen do? If it's a way off, perhaps she is pregnant (early stages and not telling anyone yet) and due around then, and doesn't want you including her in the numbers when it's unlikely she could make it.

@TheDuchessOfAquitaine thank you!! X

You should respond to SIL like you did to the other woman "cool I get it, we should grab dinner though?"

What else would you do?

honestly I wouldn't. Others said it and I was like "cool I get it, we should grab dinner though?" I'll be honest, that was 1 person as everyone else was very excited.

Right so you’re totally fine with her not coming then? Your only issue is that she blamed finances rather than just being honest and saying she doesn’t like you enough to come?

@lanthanum hmm she was drinking wine this weekend heavily so I don't think the dates work. Would be a better excuse though and one id completely get

@Smallsteps88 yes. It's also that she is so rude and bitchy about people who have done exactly what she is doing.

If she had blamed finances without posting on the internet constantly and gloating I wouldn't have bashed an eyelid.

She also wants a part in the wedding which is rich.

She can't afford the hen because of the new car. That is a genuine money reason. You may value a holiday more than a new car but many others wouldn't, her included apparently. She is sounding pretty open and honest to me on this one.

Your opening post is full of snide bitching about her parenting and her spending habits so I think you are on shaky ground moaning about her being rude and bitchy.

I think it’s clear you and SIL should delete each other off all forms of social media and each pretend the other doesn’t exist. There’s no benefit to you being in contact. Just pointless sniping.

Just say never mind and have a great time with people that WANT to be there with you. Life is like this. It’s not always equal give and take. So do what you want to do, don’t feel pressured into doing things you don’t really want too. The best revenge is not letting it wind you up and take up your headspace.

Maybe she’s twigged that you don’t like her.

I’d be super annoyed too and upset OP

It's shame she doesn't want to come but it might be that she has so much budgeted and as you are a relative rather than a friend she would rather spend her money on trips with her friends. Harsh I know but people are all different. I'd be upset with the family history you have together and the effort you went to for her.

I'd leave her to it and enjoy your hen with your besties who all want to be there and will show you the best time. Her loss

I really dont think you should be bombing to London 6 times a year if the relationship isn’t mutual and you’re making all the effort. Would be different if she was on the breadline or there for you in other ways