Boarding school

[BlackbirdFirst]

Aibu to consider boarding for dd when she hits y7?
Is it fun like a sleepover all the time?
Its mixed day and boarding.
Part of the reason is that I seem very lazy (mixture of medical issues) and although I do try to be active, I have long periods where I need to sleep.
I don't want her thinking this is all normal, I want her to be with people who fill their day doing things. From my short experience of boarding school this is what happens - lots to do, I guess to stave off boredom.
Life is full of great things to do, but she sees her mum barely doing any of them.
Boarding will also help with making female friendships work, which is something I have always struggled with too.

I really don't understand why anyone wants their children away from their home and family. Its money thrown at hoping someone else parents the children. Its elitist and basically paying money to parent your child. It's a crying shame. Why on earth would anyone want this? Because O look great, I no longer have to be arsed to parent so heres money for others to do it.

Theres no excuse ffs.

My oldest went to state boarding school. She loved it.

Younger two didn’t go because they didn’t want to and they realized it wouldn’t suit them.

OP, I’m sure between you and your DD you can find the right decision. Talk, listen, be honest, let her know you love her.

Depends on your kid op 😊
Could be great. Could be bad. But depends on her disposition /character. Sounds great to me

I can see your reasoning. What does your dd think?

My ds is a day boy (year 8) but spends occasional nights in the boarding house if I have to travel for work. His df doesn't live with us and I worry I can't give him enough male company.

Before he goes into year 9, I will offer him the chance to board weekly or maybe a couple of days a week. He'll know the routine by then and can chose for himself.

Could you find a compromise like that?

@readandwalk I'm sure your views suit your dcs but not everything is that clearcut.

I'm a lone parent, work full time, have an only child. I want to give my ds company his own age, ensure he is well cared for, secure and happy if I have to travel overnight and, given his df's lack of involvement, that he has good male influences.
That isn't elitist or wrong. I'm trying to do my best by my child just the same as everyone else. Don't you ever use a babysitter? It's not like I pack him off in September and head for the pub

I have to balance earning a living with being a good mum, and my ds likes occasional boarding, It's just a sleepover I can rely on.

@Readandwalk

I really don't understand why anyone wants their children away from their home and family. Its money thrown at hoping someone else parents the children. Its elitist and basically paying money to parent your child. It's a crying shame. Why on earth would anyone want this? Because O look great, I no longer have to be arsed to parent so heres money for others to do it.

Theres no excuse ffs.

That's rather an extreme view. There are all kinds of reasons why parents send their children to boarding school. Forces families who move frequently may opt for boarding to make sure their children get stability and consistency in their education. There are people living in rural areas that have no secondary schools within reasonable travelling distance. Its common for children in some parts of the Scottish Highlands and Islands to board weekly at school and go home for the weekends for example. Some children may want to go to specialist boarding schools to develop a particular talent - there are specific schools for music and dance and some more general boarding schools have particularly good facilities for certain sports or academic subjects. The motivation may sometimes be to get a child away from difficult home circumstances. I know people who have opted for boarding for all those reasons and I am sure there are many others. Yes, you could argue that there are other solutions in all those circumstances and there probably are, but they may come with a very high price. Would you suggest that everyone who has children on some of the Scottish islands give up their livelihoods and heritage to move to somewhere near a school? Or maybe nobody who lives there should have children? It really isn't that simple. I wouldn't necessarily have made the same decisions as the people I know who have children at boarding school. In fact I decided it wasn't the best option for my children. But none of the parents of boarders that I know have done it because can't be arsed to parent their children and some of them are making massive sacrifices to support their children's ambitions. It isn't always even what the parents want, but in the case of everyone I know, its what, after careful consideration, they believe to be best for their children. There probably are some parents who send their children to boarding school for selfish reasons, but I haven't met any. There are many different motivations and its not fair to generalise.

@MrsAvocet

I'm glad you made that comment. I live in Australia and over here if you are living rurally then you are REALLY rural. So for all of those parents, once your kids get to secondary school age your only 2 choices are to homeschool them or send them to boarding school. Commuting would be impossible as it could be as much as a 20+ hour drive to the nearest secondary school. Both of these things seem to he considered very weird or negative on MN. I'm guessing that's just a cultural thing and that maybe homeschooling and boarding school are both quite different in the UK?

@eaglejulesk

Made lifelong friendships and I look back at my school days with such fondness.

And people who didn't go to boarding school don't make lifelong friendships or look back on their school days with fondness?

You can equally well say people who didnt go to boarding school are never fucked up alcoholics?

I'm curious - do the people who are very against boarding feel that way about ALL boarding, or just the full on 7 days a week where children come home only for holidays and half term?

I did not board but always thought it sounded pretty fun! Obviously, as an adult I would be concerned about attachment issues, and perhaps more obviously and urgently about any bullying or ostracising if the kid doesn't have friends at school.

But, for some kids who are excited to stay at school and go on to make good friends there - do you think flexi boarding for a few nights a week from age twelve is still a terrible idea? What about weekly boarding for 6th form?

Surely if you are the sort of kid who enjoys it, a balance can be found where you get the benefit of spending a few nights with your friends plus having half the week nights with your parents as well?

What do I know though, I have zero experience.

Almost every child in my generation went to boarding school (lots), of their children only one does. Having gone myself, I wouldn’t give up your last years together. Not for me or mine, and I too made friends and had fun. I’d rather have had a home life.

I think she's better at a state school .My DM was House Mistress at the local girls school in our town. A lot of them were army kids who had issues as they'd boarded forever & it takes a toll. (Eating disorders & cutting were v common).The School was opposite the local park & public tennis courts. My DM spent a lot of time foiling plans to sneak out to the park in the hope of meeting the boys they'd met in town on Saturdays ( older girls could go into town in pairs on Sat afternoon). Some of them left at 16 to go to my 6th form round the corner & went a bit off the rails boy wise. The majority had difficult relationships with their parents. There was no bullying tho, which my state school was notorious for & class sizes were under 20 . My DM did feel that all girls wasn't a great idea social development wise. Boys became mysterious, forbidden fruit & they were kind of obssessed compared to girls their age at mixed sex school.

Both my sister and I boarded from age 12. She loved it and made life long friends. I hated it! The fact the people who disliked, ignored and bullied me during school time were also the people who I was forced to live with after school made my life hell. I couldn't escape them. 24/7 with the same people. I was a slightly anxious, quirky child. I had a target of being different on my back they seem to see and if you don't fit in you are most definitely pushed out. I left an extremely anxious adult at 18 who tried to suppress my personality for fear of being ostracized further. Took me decades to like myself again.

Everything you read in Mallory Towers (which I had loved as a series) is bollock. Midnight feast are not a regular thing and not being invited to them when they were was painful. There is no sense of sisterhood and community. If they bully you at school, they bully you in dorms, at after school activities, at breakfast and dinner.

While I understand my parents reasoning behind sending me (also had an unwell mother), it alienated me from my family. I felt abandoned and never quite loved enough. I told them from term 1 it was hell, but I was still there 6 years later.

They didn't (and probably still don't at 52) see me as an adult as they weren't around to negotiate me changing from child to teen to adult. I was not a weekly boarder, only went 'home' once or twice a term, so that may be different for weekly boarders. My father particularly couldn't deal with his 'little girl' becoming a stroppy teen as it happened in huge leaps as we saw each other so rarely.

All the things I hated, were the things my sister love, she was a conformist, I was not. It was like banging a square peg into a round hole for me. And it damaged my shape for many years. Some personalities suit boarding, some really really do not.

I would really really only consider sending a child if they had the right personality and were removed asap if they don't like it.

Wow, that was cathartic!

I would have loved to have gone to boarding school, my parents were not good parents and it would have been preferable. But I think your reasoning is off, you are making it about you and I think you need to consider it more from your child’s point of view.

At the age of 7 she will get much easier to look after, you can’t get those years back. Think seriously about it.

@Pixxie7

At the age of 7 she will get much easier to look after, you can’t get those years back. Think seriously about it.

I believe OP is thinking of Year 7 not age 7.

I'm curious - do the people who are very against boarding feel that way about ALL boarding, or just the full on 7 days a week where children come home only for holidays and half term?

I think weekly boarding is much less psychologically damaging. A whole term (or even half a term) is just too long to be in that unnatural Lord of the Flies environment.

Don't send your child away to be cared for by people who don't love her when she could be part of a proper family. Just don't. I know many people who boarded and not one of them has been left unaffected by it in a negative way.
People make excuses, or justify their parents decision because they have to to deal with being sent away as a child but honestly just don't do it. From the Year7 she'll start being more independent anyway, going out to meet friends on her own etc. If you want her to have friendships then encourage this and encourage her to play a team sport with other girls.

Made lifelong friendships and I look back at my school days with such fondness.

Yeah, me too. But I also have an amazing relationship with the parents who loved me and look after me themselves. Year 7 She's 11/12 in 7/8 years she leave your house as an adult and probably never live with you again. You'll never get those years back.

@Nicetableinnit

Don't send your child away to be cared for by people who don't love her when she could be part of a proper family. Just don't. I know many people who boarded and not one of them has been left unaffected by it in a negative way. People make excuses, or justify their parents decision because they have to to deal with being sent away as a child but honestly just don't do it. From the Year7 she'll start being more independent anyway, going out to meet friends on her own etc. If you want her to have friendships then encourage this and encourage her to play a team sport with other girls.

Perhaps if you had seen both sides you’d have a more balanced view.

One of my best friends was sent to boarding school, she absolutely hated, wasn’t allowed to leave. Didn’t impact her ability to make friends or attachments though or her relationship with her parents who are great, just a bit old school.

But one of my BILs loved it, was super happy there. Again no impact on his ability to make friends or form relationships.

Another friend of mine, who had no intention of sending her kids boarding, and whose older kids go to London day schools, her youngest son announced he really wanted to go. Researched schools, fell in love with one in particular, is very happy there and it’s definitely the right school for him.

Diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks.

Some kids are very happy at comprehensives, some are miserable and get bullied. That can be the case in any school. People don’t make hard and fast rules about them based on one experience or another.

I've said up thread I wasn't bullied, and I wasnt, really - but one of my abiding memories from boarding at y7 age was getting into my bed to find two of the girls I shared a room with had put considerable effort spitting into it.

It's hard not having a safe space.

I did and I loved it, but it honestly depends on the school and the child. If you get it right it can be the building blocks for the most amazing relationship with your family, combined with incredibly confidence and freedom. If you get it wrong it can be genuinely scarring. If you're going to do it then you need to be seriously looking around schools, letting her do trial weekends, etc etc. It's not a light decision to make.

There are bullies in every school - but it must be so much harder to deal with them when you can't even get away from the school at the end of each day.

OP's child isn't one of those who has developed an enthusiasm for boarding themselves and is excitedly demanding to go, though. It's been mentioned to her by her mum and she isn't sure. I would leave the whole plan well alone on that basis.

You can equally well say people who didnt go to boarding school are never fucked up alcoholics?

You seem to have lost the plot OP. What does this have to do with my comment that you don't need to go to boarding school to make life long friends and look back on your school days fondly? I never made any mention of alcoholics, fucked up or otherwise.

I was sent to boarding school in yr 7 and I can assure you it is nothing like a 'sleep over'. It scarred me beyond belief and has taken several years of counselling to get over the abandonment issues it created in me. My parents have since appologised but too little too late. Obviously this is what happened to me and your DD might love it, but I would proceed with caution.