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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was DH being a twat or AIBU?

132 replies

oreshina · 13/09/2020 19:06

Long story short(ish) - DH had my DS out on bike this afternoon with an attachment between his bike and DS' bike.

DS asked if I would take him out with the little bike attached to my bike. DH jumped in and said it was tricky to change the attachment from one bike to another and that we could do it another day. I am not one to be put off by a bit of diy etc so suggested I would take a look at the attachment and see if I thought I could do it.
At this point DH got quite animated saying 'no don't you go out rummaging in my toolbox...I don't want you trying that as you'll never manage it and will need my help etc.' He also said in front of DS and DD ' I know this is one of your moments where you won't take no for an answer and have to prove that women can do man things...but excuse me for wanting to be traditional and say that my tools are my tools.' In my mind he was acting like a misogynistic pig but maybe he genuinely felt I would get stuck and couldn't be bothered sorting it out..AIBU to be in a huff?!

OP posts:
MJMG2015 · 13/09/2020 21:05

@Thehogfatherstolemycurry

I don't like dh going in my toolbox or my box of power tools in the garage. He rummages through, gets the wrong stuff out because he's crap at all things diy and either forgets to put stuff back or throws it in untidily. I'd also rather he didn't decide to just have a go at stuff because he's no clue what he's doing and either breaks stuff or loses his patience and I have to take over. I've nothing in there I don't want him to see I'd just rather the house be left in 1 piece!
Yes, but not really relevant in the case of changing over a bike bar.

I'm not actually massively keen on anyone messing with my tool boxes either, because I could put my hand on anything I needed blindfolded, but I wouldn't refuse someone the use of them to do something like this.

Besides if MrBig really feels it's beyond the LittleWoman he could have just done it like the OP & DS wanted. It's not a difficult job FFS.

TatianaBis · 13/09/2020 21:08

What kind of attachment is it? Some kind of leading rein?

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 13/09/2020 21:09

I do get him not wanting someone to mess with his toolbox. DH messes with my gardening kit at his peril (and, no, I don't keep a secret phone in the potting shed)...but there is zero excuse for your DH's derogatory and misogynistic comments.

lioncitygirl · 13/09/2020 21:17

errr - he sounds like an idiot. Sorry OP. I wouldn't want those sorts of old fashioned values in front of my daughter - what only a man can do 'manly' stuff. Imagine your daughter growing up thinking only men can so such things. Ridiculous.

GruffaIo · 13/09/2020 21:22

This is a little difficult for me. In my household there are many, many times that DH's solo project becomes a joint project for us and prevents me from getting on with whatever I'm meant to be doing. If this had the potential to go that way, I can understand the frustration but not what he said or that he said it in front of your children.

AutumnSuns · 13/09/2020 21:35

OP, SPsadly nothing to have posted shows he hasn’t changed from the misogynist he is, he wanted yo back for an easy life not because he loves you. He said that to you in front of your kids, that really isn’t how you want them to grow up.

Brigante9 · 13/09/2020 21:39

He hasn’t changed, has he? Very poor show in front of the dc. That needs addressing.

Ellie56 · 13/09/2020 21:44

Yep he is a massive twat. Can't imagine why you took him back. Hmm

Bufferingkisses · 13/09/2020 21:45

Those trailorgators (other brands are available) are really simple to attach, detach and reattach - by design. I think his misogyny is showing. I'd be pretty hacked off (and buy myself a MY toolbox asap).

JulesCobb · 13/09/2020 21:51

We split up last year for 6 months due to his treatment of me and the kids. Nothing physical, just constant put downs, complaining, moaning, telling the kids they were 'awful children' etc etc etc. It became so insidious and exhausting that being on my own the only way forward.

Telling the kids they were awful children.

He isnt an improved man now. He put on an act so youd be fooled into accepting the man who emotionally abuses your children back in to you home. And you fell for it.

amitoooldforthisshit · 13/09/2020 21:56

get in that toolbox post haste

oakleaffy · 13/09/2020 22:01

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

I’d think he had something hidden in his tool box....
Yes! My DS is meticulous about his tools, {they are how he earns living} but even he isn't that precious.

Wonder what your DH has hidden in there?
Couldn't he have got the tools you needed? /it's not like you were going to damage them.

DS is stricter about lending well honed bladed tools {planes, chisels} but spanners, Allen keys, not so much. No one can damage those.

oakleaffy · 13/09/2020 22:07

@oreshina

There was nothing in the toolbox!! He is not hiding anything other than a bit of a plonker-dinosaur macho man attitude! That is the problem when it creeps in. I am not just going to pack my case and head off with 3 kids over this one thing!! good grief! 🤨
My goodness..So it was his sexist attitude after all?!

DS, when I ask if he might please put up shelves says ''DM, you know how use a drill...come on now''.

It is a really good idea for women to have their own tools..get good quality ones, and learn how to use them. :)

oakleaffy · 13/09/2020 22:09

@TatianaBis

What kind of attachment is it? Some kind of leading rein?
I assume it is like a long ''tow-bar'' that goes from adult bike to child's bike. One sees them a lot round here.
DonLewis · 13/09/2020 22:13

Ah, so he's a wanker with form.

Listen up to what he's telling you. And get your own bloody tool box.

Dee1975 · 13/09/2020 22:16

Assuming nothing is ‘going on’ and he’s not hiding anything, I can see his point of view. (On going through toolbox). He obv v proud of his kit and likes things in a certain way and want you messing it up. I get that.
He’s not been v nice though in the other stuff he said.

billy1966 · 13/09/2020 22:25

OP,

He was very rude and dismissive of you.

I think your continued annoyance after his apology is that you suspect he really isn't that improved and is in fact reverting to type.

No of course you don't want to pack up and leave over this, but you would be well advised to take note.

Speaking to you with such disrespect is very wrong, particularly in front of the children.

Even more so when you got on just fine without him before and no doubt would again🤨

CatsFantastic · 13/09/2020 22:29

Honestly OP you were a fool to take him back, and today has reminded you why.

Ask yourself why you have been so defensive about him on this thread - who are you trying to convince that he is a “good man” ? Because he isn’t fooling any of us.

rainbowstardrops · 13/09/2020 22:30

Have we time travelled back to the 1950s???
I'd have told him I was more than capable thanks and told him to go and sort out the laundry.
Twat

Hobbitfeet32 · 13/09/2020 22:32

This is why I have my own toolbox

Imworthit · 14/09/2020 05:06

This should have had a trigger warning 😂

He is awful tho. If someone said such masoginistic bullshit in front of my children. I'd fucking kill him.

PopsicleHustler · 14/09/2020 05:51

Wow, whatever is mine is my husbands, and whatever his is mine. I even told him for a laugh my thongs and bras and makeup are all yours. It's a 50 50 marriage.

I think there is something in the toolbox

yecannyshoveyergranny · 14/09/2020 06:06

As long as you're happy with your kids growing up knowing they're 'awful' and that misogyny is ok then go right ahead and stay with him.

TitsOutForHarambe · 14/09/2020 06:17

Sorry but I also think there may have been something in the tool box... but that's by the by. We'll never know now.

There are certain things in our house that I always use, and it pisses me off when DH occasionally decides to be "helpful" and goes rogue with it, because he doesn't put stuff back properly and I like things to be a certain way. I wouldn't give him a dressing down though, and I certainly wouldn't be coming out with a load of patronising, sexist nonsense in front of our kids!

I'd be fuming OP. Sounds like he hasn't changed at all.

How did you find the separation? It sounds like it was him struggling, rather than you. Were you happier?

Original poster
oreshina · 14/09/2020 06:21

There is something in the toolbox......tools!Grin
Thanks for all the replies, It is much appreciated.

OP posts: