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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was DH being a twat or AIBU?

132 replies

oreshina · 13/09/2020 19:06

Long story short(ish) - DH had my DS out on bike this afternoon with an attachment between his bike and DS' bike.

DS asked if I would take him out with the little bike attached to my bike. DH jumped in and said it was tricky to change the attachment from one bike to another and that we could do it another day. I am not one to be put off by a bit of diy etc so suggested I would take a look at the attachment and see if I thought I could do it.
At this point DH got quite animated saying 'no don't you go out rummaging in my toolbox...I don't want you trying that as you'll never manage it and will need my help etc.' He also said in front of DS and DD ' I know this is one of your moments where you won't take no for an answer and have to prove that women can do man things...but excuse me for wanting to be traditional and say that my tools are my tools.' In my mind he was acting like a misogynistic pig but maybe he genuinely felt I would get stuck and couldn't be bothered sorting it out..AIBU to be in a huff?!

OP posts:

sparklefarts · 13/09/2020 19:36

Eurgh.

I'd definitely be seeing what was in the toolbox.

And then leaving him for being an arsehole.

Bargebill19 · 13/09/2020 19:36

I would have said “that’s ok - I’ll no longer mess with your kitchen, your cleaning cupboard, your hoover, your washing machine” etc etc

But you can say that the next time. Good of him to apologise and explain why he said what he said. So I’ll award him one brownie point! Yanbu though to have been initially annoyed.

Watermelontea · 13/09/2020 19:37

@oreshina Why should you have let it go? He treated you like this for years, and he found it very easy to slip back into his old ways, if I were you I’d be thinking of a more permanent exit strategy as he sure as fuck wasn’t thinking about poor you scuffing your knuckles trying to do it.

Happynow001 · 13/09/2020 19:38

@pigsDOfly

Ah, just seen your update. So he's a misogynistic arse then.

Yes to this.

Would he feel the same if some bloke treated his/your daughter the same way one day?

MustShowDH · 13/09/2020 19:38

He was being a twat with how he spoke to you.

Regarding the toolbox, I was a bit precious about mine when I moved in with my DH. I'd built a collection of 'good' tools over the years living on my own and I hated that he used stuff and mixed in his shitty 1.99 stuff with mine. If I ever leave him I'm going to buy myself a divorce present of a decent set again. I know it's sad!!!!
Maybe he sees his tool box as a bit like a womans handbag? There's nothing in there you wouldn't want your husband to see, but it's still off limits. Who know's
The toolbox was the trigger, but the way he spoke to you is the problem.

Original poster

oreshina · 13/09/2020 19:39

He used to stick to very rigid gender stereotypical roles but he will cook now and is more hands on with the kids, much less egotistical and 'macho'/sexist.

OP posts:

BetterEatCheese · 13/09/2020 19:39

'Man things' and 'one of your moments'
What a pig. I hope you did it and changed it

Terrace58 · 13/09/2020 19:40

I have some tools that are off limits to the rest of the family. If they want to use them it is only with my permission and supervision. These are things like my fabric scissors or my fine wire snips. They also can’t just hop on my spinning wheel. Things I have spent large amounts of money on and am very careful to maintain properly. There are regular household tools available for most uses so I’m not keeping anyone from engaging in every day tasks, just keeping my hobby equipment safe.

So I can sort of understand protecting his tool box if it is indeed, his toolbox. If they are the household tools, then he was being a jerk.

Feminist10101 · 13/09/2020 19:40

@slavetothenhs

I would have taken a spanner and shoved it up his arse.

Me too.

iMatter · 13/09/2020 19:41

Misogynist or cheat

Either way he's a bellend

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/09/2020 19:42

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

I’d think he had something hidden in his tool box....

So would I.

I would also get a set of basic tools (in fact, I have, because Mr Schaden's two sheds are so full of stuff that I can't find a damn thing! The result is that Mr Schaden, having laughed his socks off at my tiny hammer (half size head, but only 4" handle), my screwdriver set (about five interchangeable screwdriver bits, that all fit into a removeable handle) and my own personal Stanley knife (superb for scoring pork rind for crackling), uses my little tools more often than his own because he can find mine in the drawer whereas his are all buried under wheelbarrows and piles of old bicycles and sacks of compost and similar.

All I need now is a small saw. I just buy the ones I have needed as I needed them, but a saw would be handy. They are all good tools - excellent manufacture, not tat, and take up surprisingly little room and have been very handy. Get your own.

And check his toolbox for things he shouldn't have - pornography, second phone, multipack of Twixes that he hasn't shared . . .

Original poster

oreshina · 13/09/2020 19:42

There was nothing in the toolbox!! He is not hiding anything other than a bit of a plonker-dinosaur macho man attitude! That is the problem when it creeps in.
I am not just going to pack my case and head off with 3 kids over this one thing!! good grief! 🤨

OP posts:

FippertyGibbett · 13/09/2020 19:44

Yes, I’d be rooting through the tool box just in case. But I’d also assume the tools were shared, to be used on jobs around the house, not just his.

SuzieCarmichael · 13/09/2020 19:44

Get your own toolbox. ASAP. (Every woman needs a toolbox of her own anyway tbh)

Thisisnotnormal69 · 13/09/2020 19:45

@oreshina

There was nothing in the toolbox!! He is not hiding anything other than a bit of a plonker-dinosaur macho man attitude! That is the problem when it creeps in. I am not just going to pack my case and head off with 3 kids over this one thing!! good grief! 🤨

Thisisnotnormal69 · 13/09/2020 19:45

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SECRET PHONE!

Beautiful3 · 13/09/2020 19:50

Buy your own tool box.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/09/2020 19:51

I know this is one of your moments where you won't take no for an answer and have to prove that women can do man things...but excuse me for wanting to be traditional and say that my tools are my tools

is quite high on the Twatometre scale.

How does he think he can get away with such statements?

Sorry OP, you were quite right to stand up to such nonsense. How are you going to break one of his high value spanners with your little girl hands.

Feetonthebeads · 13/09/2020 19:54

No, you shouldn't pack up 3 kids and leave over this.

You should do it because he's a twat who you got back together with once already despite him being a twat.

Ps, why so defensive on something being hidden in the toolbox? It's hardly outlandish.

Menora · 13/09/2020 19:59

Urgh I wouldn’t be ok with this. I don’t think leave him is what I would do but a serious serious talk is in order
And it might help to start doing what the bloody hell you like and touching what you want to touch and even get your own tools to be honest. I love doing DIY and have my own set (other people can touch them) and my boyfriend says it’s a turn on when I have done a DIY task and enjoy it

Pythonesque · 13/09/2020 19:59

I agree with those saying you need to get your own toolbox. There are some rather fun pink tool kits available - "keep your hands off MY toolbox" style. If the dynamics are right, maybe you need to be insisting your partner gets you the toolbox of your choice for Christmas or something ...

On the specific bike attachment issue - I suspect that what you need to be doing is getting a second hitch and putting it on your bike so that the connector can be easily unhooked from one and attached to the other. I'm assuming that you have a trail-gator or similar and haven't used them, but I suspect that they work similiarly to the tag-along type bike we used. Putting the hitch on the seatpost was a fiddle, after that it's a minute's job to swap things back and forth. We used to leave the tagalong at school so one could drop off and the other collect without having to go home in between.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 13/09/2020 20:01

Personally l wouldn't overthink this- he probably just thought if you couldn't do it, he would need to step in and help and couldn't be arsed. That is what would def happen in my house!

Settleandcalm · 13/09/2020 20:05

I can be a bit headstrong.

Oh he’s got you right where he wants you my lovely. Countdown to twat macho man return after 8 months of pretending in 3. 2. 1...

You need to get an outside view on this as he’s in your head and this time it will be worse, and harder for you to argue against.

Headstrong means have your own mind and make decisions, like an adult, not like a sweet meek female. Don’t let him teach your kids this shit.

Veterinari · 13/09/2020 20:06

@Fishfingersandwichplease

Personally l wouldn't overthink this- he probably just thought if you couldn't do it, he would need to step in and help and couldn't be arsed. That is what would def happen in my house!

So why did he say: I know this is one of your moments where you won't take no for an answer and have to prove that women can do man things...but excuse me for wanting to be traditional and say that my tools are my tools.'

In front of the DC? Unnecessary and misogynistic 'stay in your lane woman'

Settleandcalm · 13/09/2020 20:07

IN fact that had REALLY made me worry for you, headstrong is a word we use for the horses when they won’t bend to the bridle and bit.

You SHOULD be headstrong!!

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