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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was DH being a twat or AIBU?

132 replies

oreshina · 13/09/2020 19:06

Long story short(ish) - DH had my DS out on bike this afternoon with an attachment between his bike and DS' bike.

DS asked if I would take him out with the little bike attached to my bike. DH jumped in and said it was tricky to change the attachment from one bike to another and that we could do it another day. I am not one to be put off by a bit of diy etc so suggested I would take a look at the attachment and see if I thought I could do it.
At this point DH got quite animated saying 'no don't you go out rummaging in my toolbox...I don't want you trying that as you'll never manage it and will need my help etc.' He also said in front of DS and DD ' I know this is one of your moments where you won't take no for an answer and have to prove that women can do man things...but excuse me for wanting to be traditional and say that my tools are my tools.' In my mind he was acting like a misogynistic pig but maybe he genuinely felt I would get stuck and couldn't be bothered sorting it out..AIBU to be in a huff?!

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 13/09/2020 20:08

he probably just thought if you couldn't do it

Or worse still, that you would do it without the trouble he had

MeridaTheBold · 13/09/2020 20:09

ffs there is no such thing as a 'man thing' so he is BU about that.

otoh I hate DH going into my toolbox. He moves stuff or leaves it lying around. I think people should have their own toolboxes.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 13/09/2020 20:11

Maybe I am just a bit over sensitive to this type of behaviour because it used to be a daily occurrence.

No you are not over sensitive. He is at it again.

His control issues (messing up his toolbox) and his over-thinking (deciding that he has to do a job for you though you never asked him to do it and that because he has decided he needs to do it for you therefore you have decided he needs to do it for you...) and his over-reactions and belittling just sound so exhausting for you. He needs to get this under control - I mean he needs to do some serious work on himself - or I'd give up on him.

DalzielandPaxo · 13/09/2020 20:14

Deal. Breaker.

mumsthewurd · 13/09/2020 20:21

maybe he's on his monthlies?
I know I can be a total beatch when the hormones get the better of me. Was it the testosterone talking?

Veterinari · 13/09/2020 20:22

@oreshina

He used to stick to very rigid gender stereotypical roles but he will cook now and is more hands on with the kids, much less egotistical and 'macho'/sexist.
So he's a misogynist who's playing nice to get you entangled again. Then his default behaviour will creep back in.

He hasn't changed. He's still a dick

winterchills · 13/09/2020 20:23

Sounds like a twat. I too think he's hiding something in his toolbox

Candyfloss99 · 13/09/2020 20:29

This is him just slowly going back to how he was before but you seem to be making excuses for his shitty behaviour.

bathorshower · 13/09/2020 20:30

I'm intrigued by the his and hers tools - all ours are joint, as is all the kitchen equipment (and both of us use both of them). Some were given as joint presents anyway. Plus there are hundreds if not thousands of pounds worth of tools - that would be an awful lot to replicate.

B3ttyBoop · 13/09/2020 20:38

Oreshina you mention he's got previous form in these put-downs and control freakery. If it's caused you to split up in the past then it would be good to have a word with him and watch his reactions. It sets a really bad example for your children and it's miserable being on the receiving end of it. I've had this kind of cr@p, usually in front of other people and it does knock your self esteem.

QuestionMarkNow · 13/09/2020 20:38

He used to stick to very rigid gender stereotypical roles but he will cook now and is more hands on with the kids, much less egotistical and 'macho'/sexist.

I think he is trying very hard to change his ways but deep down still believe all this macho stuff. You have YEARS to trying to reform him n front of you Sorry :(

QuestionMarkNow · 13/09/2020 20:41

I think he feels it is his domain and he said I was 'backing him into a corner' trying to make him change the attachment to my bike by suggesting I 'could do it myself'.

The problem with that is that he is making his reaction YOUR issue/responsibility.
He is also telling you you can't challenge him/say you will do things he doesnt want to do because 'it's backing up in a corner'.
Repeat that a few times and you will quickly find yourself in a similar situation than before ....
If the issue had been about doing the washing up I am CERTAIN he wouldnt have felt backed up in a corner if you had taken over!!

NearlyGranny · 13/09/2020 20:41

What a plonker! You certainly need your own tools, for starters. I keep a set in the house just so I have things to hand and don't have to ask DH where stuff is in the garage or one of his two sheds. He's not tidy. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I am wondering, though, which bit of male anatomy that you didn't come equipped with he is using to wield a screwdriver?!? Please post a picture for us.

Also, he needs to walk back that comment in the children's hearing. They will be wrongly influenced by that kind of sexist talk and need to hear him apologise to you and put himself straight!

SuzieCarmichael · 13/09/2020 20:43

Tools work just as well without being pink btw 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄😂

Nottherealslimshady · 13/09/2020 20:43

I think men "wanting to be traditional" is often a red flag. What they mean is old fashioned, back when the man was the boss of the house and the woman did as she was told and had no independence.

For the record DH didnt like me using his tools (they're his work tools so fair enough) so I bought my own. Now if DIY needs doing I just do it instead of relying on him. Get yourself a toolkit off Amazon and grab some independence back.

Bluntness100 · 13/09/2020 20:46

He thought you’d skin your knuckles.

Bloody hell that would send me sky high. How belittling can he get.

FOJN · 13/09/2020 20:47

I wonder if because he struggled with the task he can't deal with the possibility that you would do it and find it easier than he did.

I understand you don't think it's a relationship ending offence but I would not be able to tolerate such misogyny particularly in front of your children. It teaches your son and daughter that there are expectations placed on them according to their sex which is more than a little outdated and very restrictive.

RB68 · 13/09/2020 20:48

Own tools - screw that - he needs to understand the tool box isn't actually his it belongs to the household for anyone to use. He also needs to understand that its not appropriate to say no when its you and your time etc - and also how will you ever know how to do something unless you try.

I mostly do DIY - but DH does other stuff - I generally let him do electricsphones mostly as he has actual training but evrything else is up fro grabs between us.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 13/09/2020 20:53

I think this is definitely a warning to make sure that you don't slip back into old patterns. I really hope it isn't just his mask slipping.

SimpleComforts · 13/09/2020 20:53

Something in the toolbox is a ridiculous leap, he just didn't want to have to help today. Whether that was reasonable depends on how capable OP is usually and whether it was likely she would need help.

Subordinatethatclause · 13/09/2020 20:55

What a dick! What's he hiding?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 13/09/2020 20:55

@SuzieCarmichael

Tools work just as well without being pink btw 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄😂
I bought some pink tools (as well as some more traditional ones) for my business once. Just once, because the pink ones were both more expensive and of much lower quality. This has been my experience whenever I have looked at any DIY equipment marketed directly at women.
MJMG2015 · 13/09/2020 20:58

Prove that women can do man things

Fuck me. How have you been with him
Long enough to have two kids??

HIS toolbox. (Maybe it's full of weed/porn/second phone)

I'd have asked him - since when does swapping the bike bar over require a penis?

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

Fuck that noise

rwalker · 13/09/2020 21:00

Tbh I'd be same from experience these bike things a a nightmare to attach properly and every time you take them on and off the damage the bike .

SenselessUbiquity · 13/09/2020 21:01

I (woman) used to hate exP (man) using my toolbox because I could never use anything afterwards without first tracking it down (to somewhere weird) and then getting something to stand on to get it down (it was always out of my reach).

He also wasn't very good at stuff like that and I wished he'd leave it so I could do it nicely and tidy up after myself (as opposed to having to treat him like a hero for having done it badly, and then tidying up after him).

I think it's fine for him to have a personal tool box if you have one too and can tackle anything you want; and, if you get into difficulties / can't finish it / break something, you will ask nicely for help rather than expect him to drop everything and fix it without even being asked or thanked. (I don't expect you to get into difficulties, but all the more reason why you can agree this up front).

I think you are well within your rights to be pissed off about how he spoke to you, because he was getting pissed off about a load of hypothetical stuff that hadn't happened yet.

You can take control and say: please never speak to me like that again; ok I will not use your tools if they mean that much to you, but I have to have my own set; you are then not to prevent me doing anything I want with my tools and my time, but likewise I will not co opt your time to support me with these things either, and do not assume that that is what is going to happen.