Friend sucking the life out of me

[LittleMermaidRose]

I feel like I'm being a terrible person, but I really want to dump my friend of 23 years, I'm so sick of her.

She's suffered from depression for the last 5 years, which I've always tried my very best to support her through. Think, crying phonecalls in the middle of the night, having her stay for days, changing my plans to accommodate her. We meet up every week for coffee, text almost daily.

The problem is, she has become so self absorbed, rude and uncaring. She can't see anything beyond her own problems. All we do is talk about her and her problems. She never asks how I am, and even if I try to talk about myself the conversation gets shot down in flames.

It's becoming really draining, I don't think I can take much more. I try to offer her advice, sometimes I just sit and listen, but nothing seems to ever change or get better for her. She refuses to get professional help. I feel awful saying this but sometimes I think she enjoys being so miserable.

I don't think I'm her friend anymore, I think I'm just a sounding board. My partner got in a car accident last week - she hasn't once asked how he is. I told her I wouldn't be able to meet up with her for the next few weeks due to some health issues I've been having. She asked if I was ok, but then went on a big rant about how nobody wants to be around her, making me feel terrible! But what about me and how I'm feeling?

It's all so mentally exhausting. I don't want to lose her as a friend as we've been friends for so long. But it really is no friendship anymore, she's not the woman I used to know.
Am I an awful person for feeling like this?

Depression is sooo selfish .. my mum is the same and I hate it .. if you can't deal with it then be honest with her and tell her so she knows .

Sounds like you need to take a break for your own well being so I’d just put it to her that way and shut down any further conversation.

YA absolutely NOT BU. This kind of dynamic can drag others down with it. Please get some distance. Don’t ghost but explain you need some space. You could say you have your own issues that need tome, or you could tell her the truth. But either way get some (a lot of) space.

You're not an awful person at all.

I ended a similar friendship several years ago and don't regret it. Obviously , I wish her no harm , but I had to take a break as I was becoming depressed and frustrated too.

I have a friend like this and it really peaked during lock-down. It was a millions times worse for her than any other person on the planet and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I am totally burnt out from a decade of being her friend and I can't take anymore. I feel bad but I am not a MH professional and don't know the best way to handle her sometimes. All friends need supporting sometimes but it is such a one way street with her always and I have my own life and problems that sometimes need my attention and she can't ever see that.

Ok so many episodes of depression self resolve within 6 months. This clearly isn't happening here and your friend needs treatment (I'm not saying this is easy to get). You don't have the power, or the right, to make her do anything about this, but you do have the right to say that this is not sustainable for you.

Not awful at you.

You need to disengage, gently if possible - not answering every call (Do Not Disturb from 12am-8am, for example), saying No, being unavailable for visits.

If she ramps it up, tell her she needs to go back to her doctors, because you aren't qualified or able to give her the help she needs.

And if she ramps it up some more, then you'll have to be blunt about it.

I'm in the same situation. Friend of 20 years uses me as an emotional toilet. Doesn't want solutions or suggestions of what might help her, she just wants to me to agree with how terrible her life is and how her problems are the worst anyone has ever had.

I have depression, has been managed well with ADs for a few years now. Like you, I have the life sulked out of me by this friend and for my own take I need to take a step back and disengage.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - your wellbeing is the most important thing here.

I think you need to gently explain to her that you are having your own problems at the moment and as the relationship seems to be very one-sided at present it has become very draining on your own mental health.

Ask if she has anyone to talk to other than you and say you will check n with her in a week to see if she is ok.

Yanbu. Depression and anxiety often manifests itself to the extent the person suffering does become very inward looking and self absorbed, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Sounds like you've done your best for a number of years and supported her, but now you need to look after yourself, especially if your dp has been in an accident and you also have health issues. Especially if she's not helping herself. Sounds like you've got into the dynamic where you're there for her, but not the other way around. I'd suggest next time she reaches out to you, you need to tell her that you're taking time out from the friendship to look after you and yours

But you're not her friend anymore, You're her support and she doesn't sees you as an equal friend in a two way relationship. That's not sustainable and you will resent all the time she's stolen & made so miserable for you. Supporting friends is lovely when it is fairly give and take, with ups and downs in both lives and respect & thankfulness for each other, not this take-take with whingeing at the person for needing to deal with their own busy lives/ crises. You've become one dimensional to her as she doesn't even acknowledge or feign interest in how your life is.

It is ok to put your emotional wellbeing first and say no. Just say you have to go as are in middle of something if she starts moaning. It's genuinely ok to end a phone call, don't let her hold you hostage on the other end of the line. (I have even rung my own doorbell on few occasions 😬 because conversation was circular and not helping anyone. I don't pick up as I'm in "middle of dinner", "my DC need me", "I'm tired and need early night" or something like that , which reminds those who forget that I have a life with other people in it too)

Goodness, it seems like a lot of us are in the same boat.
She appears to be slowly losing all her friends (I assume for the same reasons as me) which I think is really sad. But she can't seem to see that she's the problem.

She has a great life, but to her the whole world is against her.

I had one of these! She wasn't depressed. Just an asskhole. Oh. My. God. So much time I spent on listening to her going on about problems I offered solutions to numerous times... Valid solutions!

Don't feel bad. You can't be expected to be in friendship like this.

I feel awful saying this but sometimes I think she enjoys being so miserable.
She actually may in some way. Some people like to be "special". Some are special by doing great things or at least pretending to, others by being "a victim". There is a book called the subtle art of not giving a fuck and he explains very well this positioning yourself into a "victim" or a "winner".

YANBU and someone else’s problems are not yours to carry to the detriment of your own mental health. I’ve had a few friends like this, nothing ever changes they just get deeper. Lockdown was hard for everyone but the ones I’m slowly disentangling from have had it worse than everyone else according to them. I can just imagine how the ones I’ve detached from have been behaving. It might be cold and I might have less people in my life but I am no longer open to be everyone’s support blanket or sounding board. It’s tough but im happier than I have ever been just looking out for me and my family

I've been there too op. You slip gradually from being a friend to being effectively a support worker/counsellor. I took a big step back from the friendship and although I felt guilty, I was a lot happier for it.

I've got a similar friend. Thankfully, I'm not her emotional support, but even still I've had to take a few steps back from her because she is so draining. Everything is competitive negativity with her. YANBU.

I think you should say to her as kindly as possible that you can’t offer her the support she needs and really encourage her to seek counselling. Maybe do some research and find out about local counselling and give her the information. Keep repeating this each time you speak to her and hopefully she will listen.
It is not fair on you to be her sounding board. I would suggest you try and distance yourself so that you don’t respond every day to texts and gradually reduce contact. You can still be her friend but you need to think of your own mental health too.

I don't blame you, I've had to recently start tapering of one of my friends as she's very self destructive and every time i see her i have to listen to how bad her life is, alot of it her own fault but when i have a bad day she will text me saying she can't take my negativity. I've got to the point where i just can't be bothered, I've symphasised with her for so long but now i have had enough of the constant droning on about her life and nothing but that. I like a bit of positivity as i start to be dragged down. Just do as I'm doing start to taper of the phone calls and visits slowly until one day you no longer see her. As horrid as it is l, friends aren't always for life especially when you only serve them and theres no give and take

I had a friend like this - she had real problems and thought I was the person to fix them - she went on for years and years until I told her I could not help her, that everyone had problems of their own and she must stop moaning. I have now lost touch with her for several years but often think about her in a guilty sort of way but she became to much for me to endure. Beware - make the break.

Disengage from her OP.

I've had a friend like this and it is absolutely draining and emotionally taxing.

Put yourself first.

I have a general rule with these people. They try and get the readily available help, no 'ooooh medication is a con' shite and then I'll help as much as a can. So many people have realised self diagnosed 'anxiety' and depression is an easy route to talking about themselves.

The person I was partnered with at work was very similar & it ended up affecting me in a really negative way.
I was going through a few issues myself but she never asked & if I mentioned anything it would almost be like Top Trumps of negativity.
To make it worse she seemed to save it for me & would be ok with others. I think she saw me as that 'understanding friend'. It really dragged me down, she wouldn't accept she needed help & always had an excuse about why it was different/harder for her. I snapped once & it made everything so much worse.
Eventually I asked to move departments & felt so much better! Management knew about her but couldn't do anything. She insisted she wanted to be at work.
Her new partner suffered the same way I did unfortunately.
Y A D N B U I've never felt so frustrated, miserable & downright angry with someone.

In the kindest possible way, I've been there and done that. Ditched the 'friend'. Felt so much better for it.

I would end the "friendship" and tell her exactly why. YANBU.

I have one of these
I was Suicidal this week yet I still get her essays every day about how her husband annoys her and her kids are hard work and she doesn’t have time to hoover. Not asked about me at all.
Doesn’t take advice, I have older and more kids so think I have some experience that might help. She just likes to moan and she is also someone who has no filter between brain and mouth. She just talks and talks. Recounts her day in tiny detail. I am currently unwell but have professional support and yet I feel guilty that she is draining me.

So no advice just another saying, me too!