Friend sucking the life out of me

[LittleMermaidRose]

I feel like I'm being a terrible person, but I really want to dump my friend of 23 years, I'm so sick of her.

She's suffered from depression for the last 5 years, which I've always tried my very best to support her through. Think, crying phonecalls in the middle of the night, having her stay for days, changing my plans to accommodate her. We meet up every week for coffee, text almost daily.

The problem is, she has become so self absorbed, rude and uncaring. She can't see anything beyond her own problems. All we do is talk about her and her problems. She never asks how I am, and even if I try to talk about myself the conversation gets shot down in flames.

It's becoming really draining, I don't think I can take much more. I try to offer her advice, sometimes I just sit and listen, but nothing seems to ever change or get better for her. She refuses to get professional help. I feel awful saying this but sometimes I think she enjoys being so miserable.

I don't think I'm her friend anymore, I think I'm just a sounding board. My partner got in a car accident last week - she hasn't once asked how he is. I told her I wouldn't be able to meet up with her for the next few weeks due to some health issues I've been having. She asked if I was ok, but then went on a big rant about how nobody wants to be around her, making me feel terrible! But what about me and how I'm feeling?

It's all so mentally exhausting. I don't want to lose her as a friend as we've been friends for so long. But it really is no friendship anymore, she's not the woman I used to know.
Am I an awful person for feeling like this?

Make sure to disengage from her in the least stressful way for you.
You might need to just slowly bow out of meeting and texting or you might prefer to just tell her you need some space.

@LittleMermaidRose after being friends for 23 years, I think you need to tell her. Your opening post is great for that - maybe even gave her read it - “I love you but I need you to know that I can’t proceed this way” - she needs to be aware of her behavior AnD it’s effects on others - she is likely not truly aware and has been sucked into that black hole where she can’t see a way out and thinks that you want to be in there with her

There is nothing wrong with explaining that you love her and can’t see her until she gets professional help and is able to have more appropriate boundaries and healthy relationships - the could be the very kindest thing you could do for her

The problems with black holes is that they suck in everything around them - for your own mental health you need to make sure you don’t get pulled down

Oh yes. The competitive "I've got it worse" syndrome. The selfishness. I had to break up with a friend like that too.

I guess 2 choices
1-level with her and try to mend the friendship
2-distance yourself with a view to cutting her off
doesnt sound like '1' is much of a goer though...

I had a friend like this.

All she did was moan and I listened. I suggested ways to help and get out of problems, but that made it worse. She gave me umpteen reason why it wouldn’t work and she wasn’t prepared to give it a try.

Wanted to get a job, she was offered a job. In the exact place she wanted, but...it wasn’t the right amount of hours. Too many.

Honestly it was exhausting. 10 years I gave it, and in lockdown I couldn’t take any more. I stopped answering her texts (weak of me I know). She then became v nasty towards me.

It was a relief really. I’m sure she’s bending someone else’s ear now.

We did have fun times, but I feel so much better now. Also I’m not dreading my Phone ping.

@LittleMermaidRose

Goodness, it seems like a lot of us are in the same boat. She appears to be slowly losing all her friends (I assume for the same reasons as me) which I think is really sad. But she can't seem to see that she's the problem.

She has a great life, but to her the whole world is against her.

I was your friend. Didn't realize I was depressed and likely had suffered from it my entire life.

Not sure how my ex friends are doing now... But losing all of them made my life better. I talked to my gp about everything, they sent me for me tal health treatment and things have made a 180. I have a few that stuck around and we chat a lot about all kinds of things. The ones that are gone eh... Oh well. I sent apologies to everyone when I realized how I had been... And no one responded 🤷. Sometimes we are all better off moving on.

[quote Sassysmurf]@LittleMermaidRose after being friends for 23 years, I think you need to tell her. Your opening post is great for that - maybe even gave her read it - “I love you but I need you to know that I can’t proceed this way” - she needs to be aware of her behavior AnD it’s effects on others - she is likely not truly aware and has been sucked into that black hole where she can’t see a way out and thinks that you want to be in there with her

There is nothing wrong with explaining that you love her and can’t see her until she gets professional help and is able to have more appropriate boundaries and healthy relationships - the could be the very kindest thing you could do for her

The problems with black holes is that they suck in everything around them - for your own mental health you need to make sure you don’t get pulled down[/quote]
Yes. I wish my friends had said something to my face instead of collectively ghosting me until I had no one left (the friends I have now are from different odd circles and wouldn't have been considered my close friends at that time)

You can have MH problems and be a selfish asshole. One does not preclude the other.

I have friends with MH problems. Sometimes they take up a lot of time or the world revolves around them for a couple of days, such is mental illness. They are very aware and very grateful for this, and look to repay in kind when they are in a better place. Another friend of joint friends is constantly complaining in rl and on social media that she has no one, is all alone, no one understands what she’s going through etc. This must happen at least once a week. From the outside it seems like a huge Fuck You to the many friends she does have who freely give up their time to placate her.

Someone needs to tell her the truth about how her behaviour is impacting others. Tell her gently and be totally honest. Then explain you need to take a break for a few months. If she doesn’t change then, end the friendship.

I meant to end that with, it looks like your friend falls into the second category!

I think those are two really good clear examples you could give her of exactly how it’s making you feel. Go for it, she’ll never be able to change unless she becomes aware. Give her the chance to. You sound like a lovely friend, if I was her, I’d hate to loose you.

OP, I ended a friendship for the same reason. If you need to explain rather than just slip away from her life,. just say: sorry, I have a lot of issues of my own right now and I think you need to find some professional support as I can't handle it right now. Btw, not everyone with severe depression is an emotional leech and selfish in this way. I have battled it for decades and I make it my own problem, no one else's. I don't see why it should suck the life out of anyone else as well as me. So she is being selfish, not just depressed.

Cut her off immediately, 23 years is a long time but it doesn’t mean that you should endure her crap forever, people change, and sometimes in order to grow then you need new people in your life or you just to get rid of the old, if something isn’t serving you well then get rid of it whether it be a bit of tatty old furniture or a friend, sometimes the hardest solution is the easiest one, and what I mean by this is that it’s hard to get shot of a 23 year old friendship but in the end it will be easier on you, sometimes you have to put yourself first and I have had to get rid of a few folks because unfortunately I’m not always a good judge of character when it comes to friends and female friends especially, with everything I’ve been through in life then I’ve met many arseholes and now I have one good friend and about 3 acquaintances and when I need to talk then I call the Samaritans as friends can’t always be arsed hearing your woes continually and esp when they do nothing to help themselves in the first place, I sometimes think that if a friend does nothing to start helping themselves, ie not getting rid of an unsuitable partner, then I’m not gonna try and help them because it’s like banging your head against a brick wall sometimes!

Honestly the stress of your friend will go away once you get shot of her.

Setting boundaries is actually a loving act. I understand and empathise with those with depression, but honestly she's getting worse and worse partially because it's enabling her to have someone that will entirely be at her beck and call 24/7. It sounds like more and more people have dropped out of her life which is hardly surprising, but what she really needs is to get some tough love and to kickstart her life into a better state. No one can do that for her!

OP does her name start with L by any chance?

I had a friend like this for years, in a really perverse way I started to think that my life was great compared to hers as everything in her life, according to her, was the shiftiest of the shitty. It made me not aspire to better things, I was in a mediocre place but was so fucking relieved not to be her that I thought I was really lucky. Once I finally ditched the friendship I realised that for years I had passed up amazing opportunities and hadn’t excellled where I could because my bar had literally dragged down by her. I don’t limit myself now or compare myslef to other people in the same way and have achieved so much more

None of the reasons you're dumping her are symptoms of depression.

TBH, OP, the iller you are the more you seek treatment, generally. When depression gets worse, you lose motor skills, get very clumsy, can't move much and can't focus on anything. It's not about moaning, believe me - often you lose the ability to talk much at all. You have zero energy to do owt, and you certainly wouldn't be capable of long monologues about yourself.

Anyone who proclaims a self-diagnosis but refuses to see a doctor has something else going on, and it isn't severe depression.

My god we have all had this crap from folks! It’s so annoying but things like this can make us very aware so that we never do to others what people do to us and not everyone has that gift of self awareness and introspection, MN is such a learning curve in a way for me, I have learned so many things from MN as we all probably have! Sometimes I prefer this site to face to face meetings, just sometimes of course!

I wouldn't tell her the truth to be honest. With her depression she might not be able to handle the truth and become even worse (not that it would be your problem if u cut yourself off from her but u don't want the guilt). I would personally just keep my distance and say you have some problems of your own. Depression can make people selfish without meaning to which is why she doesn't ask you about your problems. I do agree though that it's exhausting for you and her state of mind can rub off on you which you can't have. So I'd definitely cut down on meeting her for coffees once a week. If the meetups are less frequent then you might be better able to tolerate / gloss over her behaviours? I definitely don't think you're being unreasonable. X

@Cocktails4One I disagree, some people need the truth and especially a friend of 23 years, it may harm the OP in the future if she doesn’t tell her friend the truth and like many have said, then depression isn’t what it sounds like, it sounds to me like this friend is just one of those typical unhappy complainers and the OP has to bear the brunt of it, honesty is usually the best policy imo.

@Inappropriatefemale - Ah ok I haven't read the whole thread, just the OP so if it's not actually depression (and she's just miserable / self absorbed generally) then absolutely yes no need to protect her from the truth.

Really good points form @Supersimkin2. Deep depression often leaves people unable to get out of bed or answer the door or phone. Endless texts moaning about herself and coffees all about MeMeMe is self-obsession.

Yeah I hear you @Cocktails4One.

I just think that if the truth is kept back in certain situations then the resentment can build up in you because your not being true to yourself and talking about your true feelings, it’s been my experience anyway and sometimes all a person can go on is their own experiences.

This is no longer a friend. This is an emotional vampire.
I would definitely step away for your own mental health. Other people this person knows have backed off and so should you. You have to be a bit selfish, don’t feel sorry for her. She just seems to want to moan for the sake of it and all the time you are listening to her that is what she will do.
Depression is hard and difficult. I have had depression, as have many other people reading these posts and I would do ANYTHING to get better and have. Apart from anything illegal. 😊
Next time you see your friend I would give some tough love and say that you keep suggesting things and nothing is working. In fact, I would be quite annoyed with her and say that she hasn’t even asked how your husband has been since his accident? Tell her how you feel, say you find it draining and everything you suggest she dismisses. She won’t like it and you may lose her friendship. However, it may make her stop and think about her behaviour. If it doesn’t I think you should be prepared to walk away.

@Teddybear27 I think the OP is beyond giving her friend any chances, sometimes this works this way, by all means then maybe she should say all that you say she should and perhaps the OP should get an apology from the friend but then move on anyway, an apology and a long lengthy chat to end the friendship may be in order as 5 years worth of this crap is bound to have such an effect that the OP may be thinking that it’s too much to have put up with, that’s my type ex worth anyway.