Friend sucking the life out of me

[LittleMermaidRose]

I feel like I'm being a terrible person, but I really want to dump my friend of 23 years, I'm so sick of her.

She's suffered from depression for the last 5 years, which I've always tried my very best to support her through. Think, crying phonecalls in the middle of the night, having her stay for days, changing my plans to accommodate her. We meet up every week for coffee, text almost daily.

The problem is, she has become so self absorbed, rude and uncaring. She can't see anything beyond her own problems. All we do is talk about her and her problems. She never asks how I am, and even if I try to talk about myself the conversation gets shot down in flames.

It's becoming really draining, I don't think I can take much more. I try to offer her advice, sometimes I just sit and listen, but nothing seems to ever change or get better for her. She refuses to get professional help. I feel awful saying this but sometimes I think she enjoys being so miserable.

I don't think I'm her friend anymore, I think I'm just a sounding board. My partner got in a car accident last week - she hasn't once asked how he is. I told her I wouldn't be able to meet up with her for the next few weeks due to some health issues I've been having. She asked if I was ok, but then went on a big rant about how nobody wants to be around her, making me feel terrible! But what about me and how I'm feeling?

It's all so mentally exhausting. I don't want to lose her as a friend as we've been friends for so long. But it really is no friendship anymore, she's not the woman I used to know.
Am I an awful person for feeling like this?

Emotional parasites. They're a real thing

Tell her that you value her friendship but you feel you have become her counsellor, which you are not equipped to be , tell her that you would love to return to being her friend but if she continues to use you as a counsellor you will have to distance yourself - see if it makes a difference. Give her a chance to change, at least then you can say you’ve tried.

I could have written your post myself OP, I am so surprised and reassured that's so many people are in the same situation, I thought it was just me. There is only so much one person can take before you get to the point where you just can't do it anymore.
I am now keeping contact to a minimum, if she asks to meet up I am always unavailable because I have no intention of meeting up. She drains the life out of me and I'm done. Good luck 😁

YANBU and she needs to take responsibility for her health, starting with a visit to her GP for a check up.

@Chipsahoy look after yourself x

I had a friend like this. She wallowed in her depression, and even worse, seemed to really thrive on other people's misfortune/difficulties. I ended the friendship several years ago - I did tell her a few specific things that had happened to upset me, although didn't really go into the underlying stuff (the fact that she was basically an emotional vampire). I wish her well, and feel some guilt as I know things haven't been easy for her, but at the same time I have absolutely no regrets.

I have a friend who suffers from severe depression and anxiety. The difference is, she has fought so hard to get better, including spending thousands on private treatment when the NHS has failed her. When we meet up, she tries really hard to be engaging and good company even though it knackers her. I admire her a lot because she's told me that some days she wakes up and it's all she can do to stay alive until the end of the day. Someone like your friend, @LittleMermaidRose, is a huge emotional drain and if she's refusing to get help, or at least TRY to help herself, then it's best if you disengage.

I do wish I could help my friend, though

If I was your friend I’d rather have a kick up the bum/tough love so I can change. Although in reality I’m the other way and hide my problems and kicking myself up the bum is the only solution. Ultimately you can’t help her but you can explain and give her the opportunity to be a better friend.

Is she doing anything to help herself? Therapy, medication, exercise or other activities.

My sister was like that. But it became so bad and she became so demanding, that after something happened to me and I had a breakdown, she complained about how visiting me in hospital was very distressing as she didn’t like hospitals. We no longer have contact.

yanbu to need a bit of distance.
din't pick up the phone everytime she calls and set the night time modus on your phone so that texts/calls can't disturb you at night.

as with all things in life don't give more than you can. you have reached your limit.

All the empathy in the world!

One of my closest friends had MH and relationship problems. For years I was there supporting her, looking after her when she was low and needed a break, picking up the pieces.

That ended up being my role. All the mental load negotiating her anxieties, sensory issues, sounding board as yet again she was unhappy with her family and her marriage but nothing ever changed.

It ended up feeling like an unpaid carer situation and not a friendship. We never had any fun, and we used to have such a laugh together.

I ended the friendship. While I miss what we had very much, I’m nothing but relieved to escape what we became.

Thanks everyone - I feel so much better just knowing that you all have the same feelings as me. I really did think I was being truly awful.

@chipsahoy please take care of yourself

@gubbbbbddaaaa

Depression is sooo selfish .. my mum is the same and I hate it .. if you can't deal with it then be honest with her and tell her so she knows .

I have to disagree with this, to a certain extent. I think that depression magnifies negative traits in people, so a selfish person will become very selfish. In me, it magnifies my low self esteem and self hatred. I don’t think it has made me a selfish person - I’m far more likely to listen to friends’ problems and worries than to burden them with mine (I know they deserve my time and care, but don’t believe I deserve theirs).

Sadly, @LittleMermaidRose, it sounds as if depression has magnified your friend’s self-centredness, and she has no concern whatsoever for you or your mental health; and distancing yourself would be the best thing for you.

OP it's got to the point where you need to look after your own mental health. Please don't feel bad. You've done as much as you can. Have you ever suggested to her to try counselling? Otherwise I think it's time for you to put yourself first.

@Chipsahoy keep on keeping on x

OP, I hope you are okay, you mentioned health issues of your own, and I hope your partner is okay.

I had a friend like that too. So many great qualities, but she made enemies of everyone, and would go up in smoke if anyone suggested getting help. We lost touch when we both moved jobs. I was becoming very drained, in the end.

You need to give yourself some space from her. Repeat if necessary, that you have health issues and are taking some down time. Turn off your phone. Make yourself a priority, and be less available to her. I don't particularly like the phrase, but it's possible that you are enabling her, even though it is with the best of intentions.

When someone else's mental health is starting to affect your mental health, you honestly have to think about you.

Even if a person is suffering with depression or life is hard, that doesn't mean they can be rude, dismissive, mean. A 'thanks for being there' goes a long way.

I have got myself into situations because I like to think I'm a good friend but when it becomes too much and the support from me is never ending with no acknowledgement whatsoever, enough is enough.

OP think of yourself now.

She's not your friend OP.

To coin the phrase of a pp she's using you as her emotional toilet.

A huge red flag is her lack of willingness to seek appropriate treatment.

She's expecting a lot from you, giving nothing in return nor trying to help herself.

You've nothing to feel bad about.

Having MH issues isn't a free pass for treating the people around you like crap and she is treating you this way - even ill it doesn't take much investment to enquire how a friend is, spend some time listening to them, not closing down conversations if someone else is the topic etc.

Tbh maybe she actually needs people to stop pandering to her to make her realise she needs professional help.

I've posted before about a relative with severe anxiety we (as a family) ended up pandering to (to a ridiculous degree) until we got a big wake up call that we were enabling the status quo rather than helping them get better.

It was only after we changed our behaviours that they finally started to get sustained professional treatment and in the road to recovery (now doing well I'm glad to say).

It's a long table I cba to type but ultimately they (when in recovery) admitted they'd used their MH as a mechanism for "managing/manipulating" family relationships/events/decisions and getting better meant losing that control hence no incentive to get well.

I agree with a lot of the posts on here . Tell her 5 years is too long without getting professional help. You are not a counsellor and you are not qualified to help. You have some problems of your own which you need to sort and you are sorry but you need to concentrate on those for a while . And you hope she will take your advice given as a friend to get some help. Then at least take a break. Each time she tries to contact you say no and that you have told her why.

She does sound like a fun sponge do you do anything enjoyable together or she just moans all the time? I’d probably tell her how you feel, but still feel prepared to end it.

Tell her that you value her friendship

Does OP value the friendship though?
In what way is this woman a ‘friend’ to OP?

I have 'compassion and kindness' fatigue at the moment so I understand completely how you feel.

I wouldn't ditch her but just take a break, I'm doing the same with a friend right now. I could have written your post. My friend did the same to me after calling me at 6am in the morning having a mental health crisis during which I made her get to the doctors as she had stopped taking her medication. She then proceeded to tell me at length how she had no one at all in her life who was there for her or cared.

I could have laughed at the irony if it wasn't so sad.

I still love her but need a break.

I suffer with depression. I can only speak from my own perspective, but depression as I experience it isn't characterised by moaning about my problems constantly, or calling on friends in a state of desperation and requiring that they drop everything to listen and intervene, but rather the reverse - by an absence of any particular problems that would explain how I feel, and by a temporary inability to connect with others. Your friend may or may not be depressed but the problem as you describe it is more that she's a self-absorbed moaner. I don't think using you in this way is reasonable, and if you decide to end the friendship I don't think you should feel you are doing it because of her depression, which is not a valid excuse for how she's behaving.

I had a friend like this. For years every single conversation was about her and how miserable she was and what she’d been through. The tides turned and she got her life together as mine started to go down hill. She didn’t give two shits about me when I could have done with a little support and now we’re no longer friends. Depression is a horrible illness but not everyone with depression is selfish in this way.

TwilightSkies I’m just guessing that if they’ve been friends for 23 years it must have been ok at some point