Friend sucking the life out of me

[LittleMermaidRose]

I feel like I'm being a terrible person, but I really want to dump my friend of 23 years, I'm so sick of her.

She's suffered from depression for the last 5 years, which I've always tried my very best to support her through. Think, crying phonecalls in the middle of the night, having her stay for days, changing my plans to accommodate her. We meet up every week for coffee, text almost daily.

The problem is, she has become so self absorbed, rude and uncaring. She can't see anything beyond her own problems. All we do is talk about her and her problems. She never asks how I am, and even if I try to talk about myself the conversation gets shot down in flames.

It's becoming really draining, I don't think I can take much more. I try to offer her advice, sometimes I just sit and listen, but nothing seems to ever change or get better for her. She refuses to get professional help. I feel awful saying this but sometimes I think she enjoys being so miserable.

I don't think I'm her friend anymore, I think I'm just a sounding board. My partner got in a car accident last week - she hasn't once asked how he is. I told her I wouldn't be able to meet up with her for the next few weeks due to some health issues I've been having. She asked if I was ok, but then went on a big rant about how nobody wants to be around her, making me feel terrible! But what about me and how I'm feeling?

It's all so mentally exhausting. I don't want to lose her as a friend as we've been friends for so long. But it really is no friendship anymore, she's not the woman I used to know.
Am I an awful person for feeling like this?

Tuppence worth type ex worth should say, this damn phone has a mind of its own!

Thank you for all the replies - so many of you have said that the way she behaves are not signs of depression. I find that so interesting, I had no idea. She is obviously using depression as an excuse then as on the odd occasion I have pulled her up on her behaviour, she has always apologised but blamed her depression.

I wouldn't blame you OP. A long time ago I gradually let a long term friendship die off for similar reasons. My friend had many serious mental health problems and it reached a point where for years all I did was listen to her talk about her issues, her meds, her ignorant doctors, her unfeeling family, her money worries etc etc. She had no interest in recovery but spent her energy on trying to outsmart her medical team, disprove any diagnosis and trying to wangle extra medication from junior members of the team. Friendship is meant to be a two way thing and there was no give and take in our connection and no sign of it changing in the future.

The sheer relief of shaking off this relationship was indescribable. I’m not proud of ditching such a needy person but she wasn’t a friend by then.

It's ok to set boundaries, and as others have said you'll help both of you of you do. If you need space but want to keep the relationship 'dear x, I've got lots going on at the moment, need some head space to deal, be in touch soon' type thing. If you decide to carry on as normal make sure you insert yourself into the conversation 'this as happened, I'm finding it tough' etc.
Sometimes we enable people by not having boundaries e.g if you keep giving her advance and she keeps ignoring it, stop. The next time she brings up the same situation, don't go into 'rescue' mode, but maybe even reflect it back with (genuine) empathy e.g 'that sounds so tough, is there anything you can do to change it?'
And if you're interested in psychology look up the drama triangle - it basically describes this type of person 'transaction' between 2 people playing 'victim' or 'rescuer' or 'persecuter' roles with each other - switching between them in an unhealthy way, it describes how to break this cycle which isn't great for either person.

I had this with a friend for 2 years - it was so absolutely draining. It was a one way street - always heard her problems but it never worked the other way. I have distanced myself. We still see each other occasionally with other friends but I really can't listen to it any more - I have had depression myself but to be honest it's more exhausting going over and over everything all the time. I don't think you are doing yourself or her any favours - she seems a bit attention seeking and should be getting professional help.

You are definitely NBU. My closest friend can be self-absorbed, and it's just so wearing and disappointing. I actually had it out with her recently, albeit in a calm way. I figured I had nothing to lose. It has gone some way towards helping, but not entirely.

I had a friend just like this. Me and a couple of others supported her for years. Then one day she decided we hadn’t been doing ‘enough’ and dumped the lot of us. I still tried to stay in contact as we used to be best buddies when we were kids but she blamed us - and the rest of the world - for everything. I gave up in the end. I was sad but there’s only so much you can do.

@Inappropriatefemale
You could be right. As you say maybe the OP has just had enough and I don’t blame her... sometimes it is best to just walk away. Sounds like everyone else has had enough. You can only do so much...

I would not be giving tough love and the reason is that I have done that before and it ends up you being the baddy. Even if it’s not very tough tough love, even if it’s just saying honestly and calmly, you only talk about yourself and never ask about me, I don’t feel equal or even like you like me. Even that simple sentence can be changed in to “and she said I was xxx and yyy and was a total bitch to me when I was feeling down”.

So don’t do that, just cut contact slowly and don’t ask about her. Make it small talk instead.

I have a friend like this. She’s depressed and in a terrible relationship and can’t talk about anything else and it’s on the cusp of unbearable for me and I don’t speak to her anywhere near as much as you do with your friend. She’s even said that other friends are telling her that they can’t take it any more, but she can’t help herself. It’s bizarre. I do remember being in a terrible state of depression myself and it really is impossible to think about anything else. That does NOT mean you have to give any more of your own time to this. Set a boundary and explain why. It may help, you never know.

Because of the longevity of the friendship, you may find it difficult to simply cut this person out of your life. However, your wellbeing and health is important too, so I agree with other comments here that boundaries need to be set and you do need to step away for some breathing space and not be so readily available.

Does your friend have any other friends or family that she can talk to and/or get support from? She may benefit from a course of CBT to help change negative thought processes or perhaps to talk to an impartial therapist.

It’s madness that we have all faced these issues with folks, my doctor once told me that friends aren’t always the best folks to ask for advice and this is an example of this, it’s all very well getting advice from friends but when it’s the same issues over and over then friends get bored of hearing it, which is what I think my GP was getting at.

The car accident and your health issues are your exit.

I would ignore her whinge texts and respond by telling her something about the car accident or your health. See if she picks up on you needing support and then consistently gives it. If she doesn't then that's the perfect time to say something like "It feels like you are acting as if I am your therapist. I have been going along with it. This is not healthy for either of us. I am going to reduce the amount of contact we have until we break the habit."

You have been a fantastic friend so I applaud you. I can imagine that it hasn't been easy. She is obviously just so absorbed with her problems that she cannot see anything else. I would give her a chance, tell her how you feel and that you are sad that she hasn't even attempted to find out how you are or asked about your husband or your life in general. Explain to her that relationships are a two way thing and that you feel that you are not getting anything out of it. See what happens. If she continues the same way then maybe it's time to leave her behind. As sad as this may seem it's not fair on you. You deserve too have a fulfilling relationship too x

I agree YANBU at all
I've suffered with depression on and off since I was 12 years old. At no time is it an excuse to be selfish or a shit friend. She sounds self absorbed and like she revels in depression because it gives her carte blanche to talk about herself all the time. You've been a great friend to her

@TorkTorkBam

The car accident and your health issues are your exit.

I would ignore her whinge texts and respond by telling her something about the car accident or your health. See if she picks up on you needing support and then consistently gives it. If she doesn't then that's the perfect time to say something like "It feels like you are acting as if I am your therapist. I have been going along with it. This is not healthy for either of us. I am going to reduce the amount of contact we have until we break the habit."

This is assertive and honest. I love it

I feel your pain OP, I’ve been there too & it got to the point I felt suffocated. Then, I was on holiday and she’d messaged (phone off); when I switched my phone back on when I arrived in the UK and found a heap of messages moaning she needed my support, followed by a few abusive messages & another saying it’s ok I don’t want to ruin your holiday. It was at that point I realised my needs are equally important and I should reach for my oxygen mask before supporting others. Not proud of this but I simply cut this friend off (had my own stuff to deal with at the time).

Please, OP put yourself first. Big hugs x

As per PP it happened to me

It seems there are a lot of us out there that always put people first but we don't get anything back for it!

It's time to put yourself first OP, sad as it is to loose a friendship if that is the outcome

I think you'd be doing her a favour to be honest with her and tell her that the friendship feels like it is one way as you are supporting her a lot and yet she seems less interested in you.

It is surprising how many people are like this and they are not self aware enough to see it.

Another thing I'm noticing is how people are very focussed on their own affliction and can sit and talk about it for hours and how it affects them and seem completely unaware of what others have to deal with.

Games People Play by Eric Berne describes situations like this. Whatever you suggest is answered by ‘yes but’.

I used to be friends with someone like this. Negative about everything and would dread her friend visiting. If the friend was visiting on Thursday she would spiral into anger and frustration on the Monday until a few minutes before she arrived on Thursday.
After she left she would be positive and wonder why she was stressed but would do the exact same thing the following week.

The easiest way to kill these friendships is to mirror her behaviour. Become incredibly emotionally demanding. As soon as you see her, dive in and say you need support, you have so many problems right now. Just monologue at her and if she tries t talk, turn her complaint back to All About You, then say you have to run, late for an appointment. Do that three times in a row, she'll never call you again. I'd place money on it.

YANBU, she sounds absolutely exhausting. Tell her you need some space then make yourself unavailable. Don’t feel guilty. Encourage her to seek professional help or counselling, but you need to step away for your own well being.

She needs to take responsibility for her mental health. So many people hide behind “depression and anxiety” as an excuse for basically being miserable and selfish. As someone who has suffered with depression for years I have no patience for this. She needs to get some medication, go to counselling, exercise, meditate and eat well. It isn’t up to anyone else to fix her life for her. I have friends like this too and it is exhausting.