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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend sucking the life out of me

158 replies

LittleMermaidRose · 13/09/2020 13:43

I feel like I'm being a terrible person, but I really want to dump my friend of 23 years, I'm so sick of her.

She's suffered from depression for the last 5 years, which I've always tried my very best to support her through. Think, crying phonecalls in the middle of the night, having her stay for days, changing my plans to accommodate her. We meet up every week for coffee, text almost daily.

The problem is, she has become so self absorbed, rude and uncaring. She can't see anything beyond her own problems. All we do is talk about her and her problems. She never asks how I am, and even if I try to talk about myself the conversation gets shot down in flames.

It's becoming really draining, I don't think I can take much more. I try to offer her advice, sometimes I just sit and listen, but nothing seems to ever change or get better for her. She refuses to get professional help. I feel awful saying this but sometimes I think she enjoys being so miserable.

I don't think I'm her friend anymore, I think I'm just a sounding board. My partner got in a car accident last week - she hasn't once asked how he is. I told her I wouldn't be able to meet up with her for the next few weeks due to some health issues I've been having. She asked if I was ok, but then went on a big rant about how nobody wants to be around her, making me feel terrible! But what about me and how I'm feeling?

It's all so mentally exhausting. I don't want to lose her as a friend as we've been friends for so long. But it really is no friendship anymore, she's not the woman I used to know.
Am I an awful person for feeling like this?

OP posts:
ManservantHecubus · 14/09/2020 01:12

I've had depression and the last thing I wanted to do was dump how I was feeling on friends. In fact, I would enjoy hearing about other people's news because it would take me out of myself for a bit. One friend knew the full extent of it, and it helped me so much to talk about what i was feeling, but it was only a couple of conversations and I would literally do anything for them now because I'm ever so grateful. Your friend sounds like a selfish person rather than a depressed person, sorry.

abstractprojection · 14/09/2020 01:24

I once had this in exasperation I texted that she had three options to accept that she was never going to change the situation, and then a further two which would change the situation. I said that I would support her in the last two, and even the first, but I couldn’t carry on listening to her not doing anything to change things.

She replied fair enough, didn’t change anything, but also respected that I didn’t want to listen to it. Later she did change things for the better and we re met up and she thanked me. It was nice to she her genuinely happy

cbt944 · 14/09/2020 01:38

I used to be a magnet for these types of situations. It nearly killed me. When you say you feel like this woman is sucking the life out of you - on more than one level, this is what such people are doing. You need your life!

Wanting to end an unhealthy dynamic, and a one-way friendship with a self-obsessed and self-indulgent person, does not make you a terrible person. You might feel terrible, and she might play on your guilt and your kindness if you try to set some limits or pull back, but you are not a bad person for wanting less (or none) of this deeply draining crap in your life...

Good luck, OP.

Irisheyesrsmiling · 14/09/2020 02:45

I have one friend like this. She posts as if she is the only person in the world who has a hard time, and frequently posts of things like of course it only happens to her.

FWIW, an incredible profession she loves, postgraduate education, lovely partner, healthy dc, her Mum is her nanny (for free) and provides 40 hours a week free childcare, they have a lovely home she complained daily about trying to find and how everyone in the world has more $ than her b/c she only has £450 - £485 to spend, generous annual leave, subscriptions to so many fun things (big days out every single weekend), cleaner weekly, no ill health for anyone, her parents and grandparents still alive, a lovely sibling.

She also has a diagnosis of depression.

We've been friends for 20 years and while I would say she's always been more self focused it's definitely worse. I didn't want to end friendship as I feel that will exacerbate everything, so I just keep low contact. I don't contact her every time I'm in the area, I only comment on her FB posts about weekly (she posts several times a day). It has majorly helped, we get together and I always have a time I have to leave. The friendship is for her, not me, but I feel better not abandoning the relationship because it isn't her fault she has depression. But it's also very important to put your mental health into the equation too and I don't begrudge others making different choices.

WeEE · 14/09/2020 02:56

That must be so exhausting.

I would send her a message explaining how it's affecting the friendship, and say you feel as though your problems are just brushed under the carpet and deemed as unimportant, yet you feel you are always there for her.

I would give her one last chance, and when she fucks up and starts banging on about herself again, I would tell her you can't handle it any more and don't want to be in contact as she is incredibly selfish.

I had to do this with a friend that I met a few years ago. Everything was a sob story from the minute I met her. The world was against her, she hated her job, her family made her life hell, her friends were never there for her, it was always "woe me". I felt really sorry for her and was there for her for about 2 years until she started having a go at me at every opportunity for not being there for her (when I had a newborn baby). In the end, text her and told her I was sick of her treating me like that and fed up of her only ever talking about her own problems. I blocked her and haven't spoken since. Weirdly I do miss her moaning every now and then though.

Imworthit · 14/09/2020 03:18

I was the depressed one. Our dynamic got very unhealthy. She thought she was 'helping' but our relationship had took on a very patronising saviour/victim dynamic.
And she was actually putting me down constantly. She cut me off and my life immediately improved.

Inappropriatefemale · 14/09/2020 16:20

@cbt944

I used to be a magnet for these types of situations. It nearly killed me. When you say you feel like this woman is sucking the life out of you - on more than one level, this is what such people are doing. You need your life!

Wanting to end an unhealthy dynamic, and a one-way friendship with a self-obsessed and self-indulgent person, does not make you a terrible person. You might feel terrible, and she might play on your guilt and your kindness if you try to set some limits or pull back, but you are not a bad person for wanting less (or none) of this deeply draining crap in your life...

Good luck, OP.

I am a magnet too for these needy types and even on public transport then I’ve had people sit next to me and tell me their life story! I think I must have “one of those faces” for hearing people’s crap, now if it happened then I would just get up and move seats, I think only extremely lonely or mentally unwell people do this to strangers.
b0redb0redb0red · 14/09/2020 16:54

Been there too. I eventually realised how unhealthy the relationship was when I became very depressed myself and her reaction was “Your depression isn’t as bad as my depression. I have REAL depression” (I hadn’t even asked her for support - the topic only came up because I couldn’t drink alcohol with the antidepressants I was taking).

No hard feelings and I wish her well, whatever she’s doing now. However, with hindsight, the depression didn’t cause her selfishness and occasional cruelty - they’d always been there, right from the beginning of the friendship and I’d just turned a blind eye to them.

Original poster
LittleMermaidRose · 14/09/2020 17:06

She messaged me again this morning to tell me more of her troubles. I replied something along the lines of - "sorry I can't really get back to you properly just now as I'm not feeling well, talk soon"
She's changed the topic but not even bothered to ask how I am. I'm just going to ignore her messages for the rest of the week I think, not that I think that will make a difference to be honest.
Thanks for all the replies everyone

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 14/09/2020 17:23

That is very rude of her.

Margerine78 · 14/09/2020 18:01

I think depression or not she doesn't sound like the best person, I speak from someone who's had depression and I shut myself away as didn't want to bring my friends down, I sought help and I got over it asap as I wanted to be happy. I think there's a certain type of person (I say from experience) that are attention seekers, martyrs, drama queens, etc that use their depression. I'm not saying she doesn't have it genuinely, but the personality beneath the depression doesn't sound very likable. OP - Are you not cutting her loose out of guilt? Shocking she didn't ask after your husband or your health.

Smileyk · 14/09/2020 18:11

My last straw was when the "friend" was in the middle of another multi-hour rant without even asking how I was (we were hoing through an awful time) and i snapped, talked over her and said "why thanks for asking yes we are just about coping with BILs death but my mum dying last week was horrific - not that you care as it's only about you, you don't listen to anyone else and don't care enough to ask." Even then she interrupted to say " and then he said..." about her ex. I hung up and didn't answer her next few calls. I guess she moved on to someone else. Approx 14 years on and I got a Facebook friend request. Really?!

Egghead68 · 14/09/2020 18:15

Be honest with her about the affect the relationship is having on you and say you are only going to able to support her for one 20-min phone call a week as you have to think about your own mental health.

She may strop and guilt trip you but just ignore it. Don’t give in.

HighTreason · 14/09/2020 18:15

Ive been in a similar situation. i asked her if she needed to speak to a professional and i got back “no maybe you do“

I think the whole lockdown situation has just distanced me from certain people even more. You shouldn’t have to deal with people’s attitudes if you don’t want to.

roxanne119 · 14/09/2020 18:16

There’s a couple of things here isnt there ? You don’t have to feel bad let this go you’ve given up enough of your time to this person things haven’t improved . Time to move on . She’s a sponge of your energy she’s not a giver it’s a one sided relationship what are you getting out of it ?

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 14/09/2020 18:28

Op write her a letter/text/email and tell her that the friendship has become one sided, she isn't there for you and that she is draining you and you need space for the sake of your own sanity and mental health

I suggested writing it as letter/email/text etc so it gives you chance to think of what you want to say and how you want to say it...and also if you say it in person she may interrupt you and make it all about her...where as if you send it written, you can get your point across

If you are intending staying friends with her, mention boundaries in the letter...e.g no complaining about her issues...no using you as a free counsellor...if you meet up as friends, then she has to treat you as a friend....be firm in the letter and say if she crosses the boundaries then you will cut contact because you are at breaking point over it

FelicisNox · 14/09/2020 18:37

YANBU and if she's made the statement that no one wants to be around her then she knows what she is doing.... she has insight into her behaviour therefore she has some level of control but she is choosing to be a selfish friend and that's not OK.

Here's what I suggest: tell her everything you have told us. Everything, because at this point you've nothing to lose and tell her you want to continue being her friend but she's got to make a change, not just for the sake of your friendship but also for the sake of her own quality of life.

As someone who's battled depression all my adult life I fully understand the baggage that comes with a friend like this but she has to WANT to be on a journey to wellness and if she doesn't then make it clear it's not something you can support her with in the long term.

Being depressed is NOT a free reign to treat people as you please and she needs to step up or step out.

I don't envy you, it's the hardest conversation in the world to have because she will probably make you the villain of her story because she will feel embarrassed at being called out. If she does that just walk away.

She's an adult, it's sad she's in a difficult place but she's your friend not your project; it's not your job to fix broken people, it's theirs and some people like being unwell because they enjoy the neverending attention.

I learned the hard way that it's one thing to have a bad day or a bad week, even a bad month but you do NOT build a house and live in it.

josbd · 14/09/2020 18:39

I should like to say that I have suffered from long ter, depression and anxiety. I am on medication and always will be. I do not treat any friend the way so many of you have described. I rarely talk of it at all. I tend to be the one others depend and rely on, in fact.

This is no friend. This is not depression, either. in my view. Dump her as this is nothing but utter selfishness, and self-centred obsession.

Tallulah1972 · 14/09/2020 18:42

Sounds very much like Narcissistic behaviour. It’s not a good relationship to be in...

SurroundedByIdiotsEverywhere · 14/09/2020 18:44

Apart from this final line:

Am I an awful person for feeling like this?

I would either say or send by email the remainder if you are not brave enough in person!

She needs to know her behaviour has had the effect it has...

Margerine78 · 14/09/2020 18:54

@Smileyk

My last straw was when the "friend" was in the middle of another multi-hour rant without even asking how I was (we were hoing through an awful time) and i snapped, talked over her and said "why thanks for asking yes we are just about coping with BILs death but my mum dying last week was horrific - not that you care as it's only about you, you don't listen to anyone else and don't care enough to ask." Even then she interrupted to say " and then he said..." about her ex. I hung up and didn't answer her next few calls. I guess she moved on to someone else. Approx 14 years on and I got a Facebook friend request. Really?!
Wow...I hope you pressed 'DELETE' on that friend request.
0nTheEdge · 14/09/2020 18:55

I'm no expert but I think she sounds narcissistic too. It's entirety possible for someone to be so depressed that they don't realise what they are doing if being self centred, but would be mortified once you pulled them up on it. To just brush it off and blame depression sounds emotionally manipulate and sly to me.

grubblyplank · 14/09/2020 18:56

Sounds like my friendship that I ended after 20+years. It was such hard work after a number of years of exactly what you have described. Be kind to yourself-it’s hard giving all the time and getting nothing in return.

MomToTwoBabas · 14/09/2020 18:58

Yanbu I could not deal with that bullshit.

RenoSusan · 14/09/2020 18:59

I attract people who want to use me as an emotional toilet. I have my own counselor who explained I am enabling people to avoid getting help. She suggested I explain that I will no longer listed to complaints from people who are avoiding getting help. I lost some people who really weren't friends but found someone else to leach onto.

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