Or does my Mother in Law think she's entitled...

[amberrose12]

We have a 8 month old baby.

At the height of the pandemic we've strictly distanced ourselves and our son.

Once cases started to drop, we maintained distance but didn't distance our son from his grandparents.

Over the last few weeks our area is on a watch list and Covid cases are beginning to soar.

DH and I have decided that it's best we start to distance our son again as we don't want to put him or us at unnecessary risk.

We visited DH parents yesterday and explained that for now, we don't think close contact is a good idea.

We will still be seeing her regularly, she just don't think her hugging and kissing is a good idea.

She became really cross with us telling us she has the right to hug and kiss her grandson and we are taking away her rights.

We don't see it like this at all. We are just doing what we think is best.

She got all upset and started to say her grandson won't know who she is and they will never have a bond.

We visit two / three times a week, that won't change. The only thing we are stopping for now is the close contact.

My parents have been absolutely fine about it and totally respect our decision.
My mum thinks it's for the best as she works at a hospital and doesn't want to put my son at risk.

I've text my mother in law this morning asking how she is and her response was

"Heartbroken, my baby boy will never get to know how much I love him"

Am I being unreasonable?

Go and visit a friend instead for a bit. If questioned say you thought that’s what she wanted as she didn’t like seeing the baby unless she could touch him.

"My baby" syndrome. Oh lordy.

Tell her that her baby boy knows who she is because she's had hugs and kisses with him for 30+ years (or however old your DH is).

My husband would not hear the end of it if we didn't visit regularly.

Yeah so what? You already said he isn't that bothered - it's you who is responding to this manipulation. Time to put on the Big Girl Pants and set healthy boundaries.

And your DS is NOT her baby.....

Unless I'm mistaken nowhere are cases soaring, and so what if they are, nobody is dying.

People are dying. There are places that are on lock-down to control cases.

Current figures don't yet take into account the impact of returning to school.

This is a woman who loves your child. That’s a good thing and I would avoid starting a war.

OP isn't the one using the warrior tactics, though, is she? It's her husband who never hears the end of it if they don't meet the required number of visits. It's the OP who is on the receiving end of the tears and manipulation. And once the war-mongers see that this behaviour is getting them the results they want, they will ramp it up and never let up.

There doesn't need to be a 'war' if the OP/DH calmly set out their boundaries and repeat in the face of MiL's emotional assaults. Non-defensive communication (complete with non-apology) is a good tool to deploy. 'I'm sorry you're upset'. 'That's an interesting point'. 'We'll talk about this when you're calmer'. Repeat ad nauseum, and do not, under any circumstances, JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). The point of non-defensive communication is that it leaves them nothing to argue with and nowhere to go.

People who use these tactics to fend off those who intrude on healthy adult boundaries are not 'starting a war'. They're doing the opposite, and deflecting one.

OP - another strong recommendation from me for Susan Forward's Toxic In-Laws. This book was a huge help to me. And it's good news at least that your husband is on board; he doesn't sound in the least to me like someone still tied to the apron strings. And that's good, because it makes these situations much more difficult to deal with. She'll find it harder to manipulate you if you're both on the same page.

End goal: loving relationship between grandparent and grandchild with healthy, respectful, adult boundaries put in place in relation to you and your parenting. Anything else is just going to boil up to an explosion, possibly culminating in NC. And that isn't in anyone's interests at all.

Good luck!

She is being silly. One of my children lives over 200 miles away, I see GC every couple of months, sometimes monthly. They know me, they love me and know I love them. She is seriously underestimating children, my GC both came to stay with me while parents had a break, they were under a year old and had probably been here half a dozen times and us up to visit them 2 or 3 times, admittedly visits would be weekends rather than a few hours but still they knew us and were perfectly happy. Is she usually a drama queen or has the whole covid/lockdown thing just got to her.

She so silly, she wouldn't be so cavalier if she caught the virus from hugging someone. I honestly don't understand people like her.

Is there anyone in the family/friendship group whom you both like but is not involved in this scenario, who could talk to her and explain the situation?

In the meantime, you are absolutely right so stick to your guns. She'll have plenty of time for affectionate gestures later.

@FabulouslyFab

Over time my relationship with my grandchildren ( aged 12 months old upwards) through COVID has progressed from chatting through windows or from opposite ends of the garden to chatting through open windows to being allowed into the house to sit in a designated chair near an open window with no touching, Then progressed to hugs, then to hand holds and now everything is normal except no kisses. My grandchildren have never had a reason to doubt my love and affection for them. It goes deeper than hugging and kissing although they are wonderful when we can. Your MIL needs to get a hold of herself and look at the bigger picture.

This is very true. My ILs also insist on lots of visits because they're a "close" family (they say it regularly, so it must be true...). Our kids generally see them a couple of times a week. They see my mum once a week, and my dad about once a month.

Their best bond is with my dad, because when he sees them he scoops them straight up and turns them upside down, then dumps them on the sofa. He also knows which one likes dogs and he drafts them in to help with he garden. They adore him. They are utterly uninterested in FIL, because he has no real interest in them.

During lockdown, my parents got themselves set up on FaceTime so they could call once a week, and they regularly messaged to ask how things were. We didn't hear from ILs for about 4 months.

Once lockdown was lifted, it was expected that the kids be brought to ILs twice a week again.

"Bonding" and closeness does not come from blandly spending time together. It can be built in so many other ways, but it mainly starts by taking an interest.

The whole "my boy" thing on it's own isn't the issue; I have close friends and family who chat to my DC and say "hows my boy doing" and there's never any sense of overstepping or over-involvement, and I'm a huge believer in having as many people as possible love and cherish your DC.

However, it's possible to be upset and to remain respectful and accept the other person's decision. It's possible to deal with feelings in an adult, intelligent manner. The fact that MIL here hasn't, and won't do those things, is not the fault of OP. MILs often get such a bad press on here and this is not intended as a generalisation at all as I know some fabulous ones, but the ones who feel so possessive of their DC and Grandchildren often drive away their family members and end up bitter and alone. The ones who just love them and cherish the time they have seem to be the ones who have the most positive long-term relationships.

YANBU. Do what you think is best. You’ve been fair and reasonable - unlike MIL.

She's an utter dickhead.
Selfish twat.
I wouldn't go at all if she can't respect your wishes.

@ArnoJambonsBike

The trick for dealing with GPS who don't accept boundaries are the three dos.

Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do as you're fucking told.

Obviously this is completely irrelevant for loving GPs who understand boundaries, but is perfect for pathetic cunts like your MIL.

Good God

1. Strictly speaking you have been going above and beyond in allowing hugs and kiss in the first place. You should really be socially distancing between households. You've been more than accomodating.

2. She became really cross with us telling us she has the right to hug and kiss her grandson and we are taking away her rights.
   She has no rights to anything as a grandmother. Ask her what rights these might be. They don't exist. This is pure emotional blackmail.

3. She got all upset and started to say her grandson won't know who she is and they will never have a bond.
   She's a grown women. Your baby is 8 months old. She's being emotionally abusive.

4. My husband would not hear the end of it if we didn't visit regularly.
   She is emotionally controlling. You husband needs to grow a backbone and learn to start saying no. Not you. Him. This should be coming from him that she is overstepping your boundaries.

5. Given all of the above, you REALLY should be scaling back visits from 2 to 3 times a week. Its too much for someone who isn't respecting your decisions and boundaries. Its unhealthy.

Her relationship with her family is clearly toxic. This isn't going to change unless your DH puts his foot down. It will only get worse.

“I've text my mother in law this morning asking how she is”

This is part of the problem. Stop texting her to ask her she is. Distance emotionally as much as is feasible.

I wouldn't choose to do this if I was you
But it you and your DH's decision if that's what you want to do just stick to your guns
And let your DH deal with her

@Redolent

“I've text my mother in law this morning asking how she is”

This is part of the problem. Stop texting her to ask her she is. Distance emotionally as much as is feasible.

Agree. You are pandering to her and that only encourages her to do it more.

Ignore emotionally abusive behaviour from her. Do not respond to it. Its what she wants. Attention.

• To be honest it's more me than him that makes us go to visit. I don't like the way she makes my husband or me feel guilty.*

Nobody can make you feel guilty. If you’re convinced that you’ve done nothing wrong, then there is no guilt to feel. Be aware of manipulative tactics when they’re happening.

YANBU! You're the parents, it's your choice.

Also, he's 8 months old. He can bond with her when he's older. If you even want that!

It's all personal opinion, my question is... how long is this going to go on for? It's going to go on for a long time, local lockdowns will be happening on and off. Covid isn't going anywhere. She just sounds like she's upset and expressing it which is understandable.
We've had a long discussion with both sets of parents and our 2 siblings. We've decided that we're not going to raise our daughter to be scared to go up to her close relatives. It's not healthy. Grandparents and siblings are in agreement and benefits outweigh the risks. I'm more worried about our parents.
She's 13 months and now I'm back to work part time she is cared for by grandparents 1-2 days per week. Our argument is that a childminder or nursery worker can touch our child but close relatives can't is ridiculous!
I think you all need to have a discussion about what your going to do in the long term and what's best for you.

Your mother in law needs to grow up

YANBU he is your child and it’s up to you and I don’t blame you with everything going on just now

Just leave her to it, and to be honest I would be scaling back the weekly visits to one a week now as well

YABU to keep up the visits even if she isn't allowed to hug him. Biggest chance of infection is airborne, if she's breathing in the same room as him then you're putting him at risk.

@Hont1986

YABU to keep up the visits even if she isn't allowed to hug him. Biggest chance of infection is airborne, if she's breathing in the same room as him then you're putting him at risk.

Evidence, please.

Blimey - what dramatics! And you see them 2-3 times per week?

My ex's mum still can't have the DC round as VCV so not seen them since February. My parents are abroad so we've not seen them since last December. I think your MIL should count her blessings that those things don't apply to her!

If you are meeting with her, you might as well let her hug her grandchild. I am very cautious about Covid-19, but if people are inside my bubble, they're inside my bubble. I think you're being mean.

@Hont1986

YABU to keep up the visits even if she isn't allowed to hug him. Biggest chance of infection is airborne, if she's breathing in the same room as him then you're putting him at risk.

@Hont1986

The biggest risk of transmission is airborne?

The virus spreads via droplets, which are expelled when you cough or sneeze or via close contact.

Isn't the whole point of the 2m distancing to reduce the risk of transmission.

If the virus is airborne why are we distancing? What difference will that make?