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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or does my Mother in Law think she's entitled...

139 replies

amberrose12 · 13/09/2020 10:31

We have a 8 month old baby.

At the height of the pandemic we've strictly distanced ourselves and our son.

Once cases started to drop, we maintained distance but didn't distance our son from his grandparents.

Over the last few weeks our area is on a watch list and Covid cases are beginning to soar.

DH and I have decided that it's best we start to distance our son again as we don't want to put him or us at unnecessary risk.

We visited DH parents yesterday and explained that for now, we don't think close contact is a good idea.

We will still be seeing her regularly, she just don't think her hugging and kissing is a good idea.

She became really cross with us telling us she has the right to hug and kiss her grandson and we are taking away her rights.

We don't see it like this at all. We are just doing what we think is best.

She got all upset and started to say her grandson won't know who she is and they will never have a bond.Confused

We visit two / three times a week, that won't change. The only thing we are stopping for now is the close contact.

My parents have been absolutely fine about it and totally respect our decision.
My mum thinks it's for the best as she works at a hospital and doesn't want to put my son at risk.

I've text my mother in law this morning asking how she is and her response was

"Heartbroken, my baby boy will never get to know how much I love him"

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
amberrose12 · 13/09/2020 11:13

@Zaphodsotherhead

"I'm missing my baby boy" "when will it be my turn to see my little prince"

If this is how your DH was also raised, be careful. Was he 'her little prince' growing up?

Cut down the visits. She won't die for lack of seeing her 'little prince' and they'll have plenty of time to 'bond' (why the hell does she want to 'bond' anyway? She's his grandmother, of course they will have a 'bond'!) once the worst of the pandemic is over.

But definitely cut down the visits.

@Zaphodsotherhead

Thankfully she isn't like this with my husband.

She is like this with his older brother though, but my brother in law and his husband don't have children.

DS is her first grandchild.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 13/09/2020 11:16

I don’t see the argument regarding your baby. If anyone should be worried it should be your mil.

I think you’re both as bad as one another. She’s dramatic but you’re being rather dramatic yourself.

MitziK · 13/09/2020 11:17

I'd be tempted to develop a slight, continuous cough on the next phone call.

EL8888 · 13/09/2020 11:18

YANBU. Your baby = your rules. She’s being overly dramatic and histrionic. Interesting that she bangs on about her rights, grandparents don’t have a massive amount of rights

FabulouslyFab · 13/09/2020 11:19

Over time my relationship with my grandchildren ( aged 12 months old upwards) through COVID has progressed from chatting through windows or from opposite ends of the garden to chatting through open windows to being allowed into the house to sit in a designated chair near an open window with no touching, Then progressed to hugs, then to hand holds and now everything is normal except no kisses.
My grandchildren have never had a reason to doubt my love and affection for them. It goes deeper than hugging and kissing although they are wonderful when we can.
Your MIL needs to get a hold of herself and look at the bigger picture.

LindaEllen · 13/09/2020 11:19

The main thing that needs stamping out right now is this 'my baby boy' nonsense. He is NOT her baby boy, he is yours, and as such you get to decide what's right for him. Okay, so a lot of mums on here have said that they allow the grandparents to hug their baby - that's fine, but it's also 100% understandable that during a pandemic you would want to make the choice not to cuddle. If it was my grandchild, I would want to do everything I could to keep him safe, and if that means skipping the cuddles, so be it.

It's not like you're banning her from seeing him.

Ultimately, grandparents DO NOT own their grandchildren. Most times, there are positive relationships between families to allow regular contact, and grandparents can be a great support with childcare, BUT that still doesn't give them the right to demand contact, particularly when there is a very good reason to want to avoid it.

Stick to your guns, don't allow drama to get in the way of you enjoying your baby, and try to meet up with family safely when you can. It's all any of us can do really!

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/09/2020 11:20

If you haven't been raised by someone like this you are easy prey too all this emotional blackmail. Take a big step back and learn how to grey rock, your husband sounds like he already has.

I know the risks to small children are low but you don't want your child to be the one who ends up with unexpected serious issues.

MangoFeverDream · 13/09/2020 11:23

You are being ridiculous too. Your baby will put your MIL at way more risk than the other way around. Assuming she is fat and over 60, that is.

Are you going to be like this during flu season, which is much deadlier to children and a vaccine that is, like, 40% effective at best?

Get a grip.

Original poster
amberrose12 · 13/09/2020 11:25

Are you going to be like this during flu season, which is much deadlier to children and a vaccine that is, like, 40% effective at best?

But there is a flu vaccine? So if we assume that GP's are vaccinated then your point is invalid.

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 13/09/2020 11:26

You need to knock this shit on the head!

I would text back "Well he is not your baby boy is he, he is ours, and we are trying to do what we think is best to keep him safe. We are still calling to see you and trying to be fair but for you be this manipulative when we are doing me best makes me wonder what the point in us trying to be fair is. You are wrong if you think we are calling to listen to this crap so think about how selfish you are being, if we can call and you can act like an adult great, if you can't put the welfare of our child first then until numbers drop dh can keep you up to date with photos "

And then call less and leave it to dh, you'll never please this one unless she is getting her way

LagunaBubbles · 13/09/2020 11:26

Your husband is one of those...mummy's boys, ick. The apron strings are firmly tied

Would you say the same about a woman seeing her Mum 2 or 3 times a week? Mumsnet double standards at its finest again.

ptumbi · 13/09/2020 11:26

So who are you protecting by distancing? Hmm

And anyone over the age of 10 who puts on waterworks is just pathetic. Ignore her crying, it's a manipulation tool, not real sadness.

I agree with PP who said that at some stage, you will have to put down some boundaries, otherwise you'll find her snatching the baby from you, ignoring your parenting choices, getting his hair cut 'because it's too long' and taking him around all her mates as if he's hers.

Not kidding.

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/09/2020 11:27

Ah, his brother is 'the little prince' then. Is there a huge disparity in the way she treats the brothers? Because that might carry on down to any second child you may have...

She has no rights. She can stamp her feet all she wants, your DS is your baby and what you say, goes.

Knittedfairies · 13/09/2020 11:27

Yep, tell your MIL that her baby boy is fine and can make his own decisions; your baby boy needs you to protect him.

serialreturner · 13/09/2020 11:28

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Get your DH to respond and tell her she needs to stop with the histrionics.

And YOU stop contacting her. Stop feeding her...

This
roseglasses · 13/09/2020 11:28

@ptumbi

So who are you protecting by distancing?

Our son!

Feminist10101 · 13/09/2020 11:29

@amberrose12

Are you going to be like this during flu season, which is much deadlier to children and a vaccine that is, like, 40% effective at best?

But there is a flu vaccine? So if we assume that GP's are vaccinated then your point is invalid.

The vaccine doesn’t cover all strains of flu - it’s a best guess based on Australia’s strains each year. They often get it wrong so vaccinated people can get flu as they are only vaccinated against 3 varieties.

The child vaccine includes 4 strains IIRC.

ptumbi · 13/09/2020 11:29

But there is a flu vaccine? - people don't understand that the flu vaccine is effective on last year's flu strain. Not the one that has mutated and changed and is this year's strain. That's why we have to have it every year - not because we don't have immunity, but because we don't have immunity to This Year's type.

It'll be the same with the Covid vaccine - if there is one. There won't be lasting immunity. Sorry.

Feminist10101 · 13/09/2020 11:30

@Knittedfairies

Yep, tell your MIL that her baby boy is fine and can make his own decisions; your baby boy needs you to protect him.
This. It pays to establish boundaries early. You accepting her guilt tripping you Into doing what she wants will only get worse.

(We live 5 hours from the in-laws for a reason.)

ptumbi · 13/09/2020 11:31

*@ptumbi

So who are you protecting by distancing?

Our son!*

Why? Babies are massively unlikely to get it. Older people - more likely to get it, but if under 75 very very unlikely to die.

Unsure33 · 13/09/2020 11:31

Personally I would say if they washed hands and wore a mask it would be ok . But not to over do it to reduce risk .
But the bottom line is it’s your decision.

justilou1 · 13/09/2020 11:31

If you look at her use of language in the texts, it’s all “I” and “Me”... nothing about how you or DS might feel or your well-being. She’s entitled and selfish. Make space now.

MangoFeverDream · 13/09/2020 11:32

But there is a flu vaccine? So if we assume that GP's are vaccinated then your point is invalid

No, we’ve had seasons where the vaccine is less than 20% effective! That’s when they can’t predict the correct strains that will circulate that year.

That’s why people (and children!) still die of the flu despite availability of vaccinations.

And the point is that your MIL is at far more risk than your baby. COVID is hardly worth getting het up about unless you plan on doing this every flu season, as the flu is much deadlier for children.

Inaseagull · 13/09/2020 11:35

Drama Gramma

hitchhikingghost · 13/09/2020 11:35

She sounds dramatic and annoying.
It’s not good to distance your children too much though, they need an immune system.

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