Or does my Mother in Law think she's entitled...

[amberrose12]

We have a 8 month old baby.

At the height of the pandemic we've strictly distanced ourselves and our son.

Once cases started to drop, we maintained distance but didn't distance our son from his grandparents.

Over the last few weeks our area is on a watch list and Covid cases are beginning to soar.

DH and I have decided that it's best we start to distance our son again as we don't want to put him or us at unnecessary risk.

We visited DH parents yesterday and explained that for now, we don't think close contact is a good idea.

We will still be seeing her regularly, she just don't think her hugging and kissing is a good idea.

She became really cross with us telling us she has the right to hug and kiss her grandson and we are taking away her rights.

We don't see it like this at all. We are just doing what we think is best.

She got all upset and started to say her grandson won't know who she is and they will never have a bond.

We visit two / three times a week, that won't change. The only thing we are stopping for now is the close contact.

My parents have been absolutely fine about it and totally respect our decision.
My mum thinks it's for the best as she works at a hospital and doesn't want to put my son at risk.

I've text my mother in law this morning asking how she is and her response was

"Heartbroken, my baby boy will never get to know how much I love him"

Am I being unreasonable?

How often do you visit your own parents OP? Is that also 2 or 3 times a week?

@Purplewithred

She's being ridiculous and hysterical.

However, the thing I think is a bit odd is that you're still happy to meet up with them, just not to hug and kiss. This is a respiratory disease - it initially passes through the air. How are you reducing that risk if you are still meeting up? Will you be outdoors? If it does pass through physical touch like hugs and kissing then washing your hands isn't going to make an awful lot of difference to that, surely?

@Purplewithred

On the nicer days we've been sitting outside anyway, and when we do go inside my husband and I have maintained sufficient distance.

Grandparents have no rights.

@Laiste

How often do you visit your own parents OP? Is that also 2 or 3 times a week?

@Laiste

We see my parents usually once a week, sometimes every two weeks.

My parents birth work full time so it's difficult to call during the week.

MIL doesn't work so I've been able to visit her during the week.
At first I was quite happy to go during the week, it got me and my son out of the house.
But she's started to expect it now and gets pissy with me if I don't go.

My husband would not hear the end of it if we didn't visit regularly.

Ah, so he’ll do whatever that want so he doesn’t get in trouble. Lucky he’s on board with limiting close contact at least.

OP love, there’s going to be a big old bust up at some point where you’ll have to create and stick to some boundaries or she’ll try to run your life and manage your child for you. Read Toxic Inlaws. You currently see them three times a week, two of those by yourself? Why? What do you think would happen if you said no? What if you suggested a weekend meet up twice a month and only with DH there? She’d cry she’d scream and strop and then what...? She’s hardly going to cut you off and refuse to see you is she. You’ve got her precious grandson and she’ll have to learn that it’s on your terms, as his parents, you get the same autonomy she did when she had a baby. If she wants to see you all she’ll have to behave properly. Your DH is probably in the FOG, look it up. You’re adults. You’re parents. Your son is yours. She has no rights at all.

I think "my baby boy" is very telling.
Just stand your ground.
And god I wouldn't be visiting MIL several times a week just to appease her and my husband. Your maternity leave is for your benefit, not theirs.

She’s being manipulative. Ignore the histrionics!

@AnneLovesGilbert

My husband would not hear the end of it if we didn't visit regularly.

Ah, so he’ll do whatever that want so he doesn’t get in trouble. Lucky he’s on board with limiting close contact at least.

OP love, there’s going to be a big old bust up at some point where you’ll have to create and stick to some boundaries or she’ll try to run your life and manage your child for you. Read Toxic Inlaws. You currently see them three times a week, two of those by yourself? Why? What do you think would happen if you said no? What if you suggested a weekend meet up twice a month and only with DH there? She’d cry she’d scream and strop and then what...? She’s hardly going to cut you off and refuse to see you is she. You’ve got her precious grandson and she’ll have to learn that it’s on your terms, as his parents, you get the same autonomy she did when she had a baby. If she wants to see you all she’ll have to behave properly. Your DH is probably in the FOG, look it up. You’re adults. You’re parents. Your son is yours. She has no rights at all.

@AnneLovesGilbert

To be honest it's more me than him that makes us go to visit.
I don't like the way she makes my husband or me feel guilty.

We will probably try to cut down the visits to just once per week as I'm planning on not visiting as often during the week.

It's just going to be a nightmare, I can just see her now stood crying and all heartbroken in front of our son. 😕

Oh dear. Your husband is one of those...mummy's boys, ick. The apron strings are firmly tied.

Your MIL is being slightly ridiculous, however, stopping close contact now seems OTT so I can see why she would be put out.

@CFerdotcom

Oh dear. Your husband is one of those...mummy's boys, ick. The apron strings are firmly tied.

@CFerdotcom

I really don't think he is.

He would quite happily miss a visit, he's ignored her texts when she chases him.

It's more me that can't cope with the guilt trips she puts on us.

"I'm missing my baby boy" "when will it be my turn to see my little prince"

Those are the types of messages she sends to me!!

YANBU she is an idiot

@TimeForLunch

Your MIL is being slightly ridiculous, however, stopping close contact now seems OTT so I can see why she would be put out.

@TimeForLunch

It's really just because of the rise in cases.

Chances are very shortly our area will be in lockdown and we won't be able to see her in her house or garden anyway!

I agree that she's being a drama queen, but the question is what you do about it next.

If I were you I wouldn't reply, but next time you see her I'd make another attempt (both you and your DP) to explain your standpoint. If she continues to be dramatic and make it all about her, I'd drop down the level of contact. Not as a punishment, but because it'll only cause you more stress.

Whilst I personally think the risk is very low for your family to have closer contact, it's not my decision to make and it's up to you and only you to do whatever you feel comfortable with.

She sounds quite unhinged and visiting so often - to the point where your DP would never hear the end of it if you didn't - doesn't sound like a positive thing!

And if she stands there crying you pack up your DS and leave. Tell her you will not have your DS upset by her. She will soon learn to stop putting on the waterworks if she gets the opposite result to which she is going for.

I'd be taking a big step back and cutting back on the multiple visits per week.

Yanbu

I’m more shocked that you see it as protecting your baby rather than protecting your older relatives from what you may be bringing to them tbh. Perhaps if you reframe it that way she may be more understanding.

Oh goodness, what a laugh! Drama queen, alright!! You need to take a massive step back and not feed the drama.

She wants you to feel guilty so you do what she wants. Just say no and ignore.

Compromise, compromise, compromise.

"I'm missing my baby boy" "when will it be my turn to see my little prince"

If this is how your DH was also raised, be careful. Was he 'her little prince' growing up?

Cut down the visits. She won't die for lack of seeing her 'little prince' and they'll have plenty of time to 'bond' (why the hell does she want to 'bond' anyway? She's his grandmother, of course they will have a 'bond'!) once the worst of the pandemic is over.

But definitely cut down the visits.

'My baby boy' .... says it all really

She sounds ridiculous. Very soon when covid is over he's going to have a busy schedule with friends, groups, nursery, parties... It's a perfect excuse with covid to start to implement boundaries.
If your own dh doesn't force contact, don't you!! Don't do it! I made that mistake and I was still hated and blamed for dh distance.

If I were you I'd be quite cold actually and send messages like '' I'm sorry that you feel dc won't know you, I disagree. Love is surely shown in its purest form by scarification for those we love. In this case it means mutual respect to protect this boy you say you love.... ''

If I were you I’d send her a message saying you are finding the messages upsetting and to message your DH directly going forward.

She’s only going to get more demanding as you reduce visits which will happen naturally with the end of mat leave etc. I also think she’s being manipulative fwiw.

@Varjakpaw

I’m more shocked that you see it as protecting your baby rather than protecting your older relatives from what you may be bringing to them tbh. Perhaps if you reframe it that way she may be more understanding.

@Varjakpaw

I mean I am obviously concerned about MIL welfare, but ultimately my babies health is my main priority.

It’s very hard to distance with a very small child. I don’t think I could see my little GD without touching.