Or does my Mother in Law think she's entitled...

[amberrose12]

We have a 8 month old baby.

At the height of the pandemic we've strictly distanced ourselves and our son.

Once cases started to drop, we maintained distance but didn't distance our son from his grandparents.

Over the last few weeks our area is on a watch list and Covid cases are beginning to soar.

DH and I have decided that it's best we start to distance our son again as we don't want to put him or us at unnecessary risk.

We visited DH parents yesterday and explained that for now, we don't think close contact is a good idea.

We will still be seeing her regularly, she just don't think her hugging and kissing is a good idea.

She became really cross with us telling us she has the right to hug and kiss her grandson and we are taking away her rights.

We don't see it like this at all. We are just doing what we think is best.

She got all upset and started to say her grandson won't know who she is and they will never have a bond.

We visit two / three times a week, that won't change. The only thing we are stopping for now is the close contact.

My parents have been absolutely fine about it and totally respect our decision.
My mum thinks it's for the best as she works at a hospital and doesn't want to put my son at risk.

I've text my mother in law this morning asking how she is and her response was

"Heartbroken, my baby boy will never get to know how much I love him"

Am I being unreasonable?

She is emotionally manipulating you, surely you must see that it's all very deliberate. And you are reinforcing her behaviour by rewarding it and giving in to what she wants by visiting so frequently. Stop visiting so much and start learning to ignore the strops. She knows exactly what she is doing, so stop allowing her to purposefully guilt trip you.

your MIL is being unreasonable and guilt tripping you

text back and say at lets be thankful for what we do have, at least were not in lockdown and we can't see you at all

She’s over reacting about not having a bond; I understand her being upset but it’s your decision. For what it’s worth though the risks to babies are minimal.

@LagunaBubbles

Your husband is one of those...mummy's boys, ick. The apron strings are firmly tied

Would you say the same about a woman seeing her Mum 2 or 3 times a week? Mumsnet double standards at its finest again.

Yes, I would if it was someone posting about their wife and came out with "My wife would not hear the end of it if we didn't visit regularly."

Educate yourself. Covid is not a risk to children. Stop being ridiculous

Do NOT text anything back. Let your husband deal with all contact with her.
Discontinue the midweek visits. It was nice of you but you are not obliged.
It doesn't matter what anyone else's opinion is - you and your DH have made a considered decision with regards to the wellbeing of your DS - that's all there is to it.
She has no 'right' to anything.

Yes, I would if it was someone posting about their wife and came out with "My wife would not hear the end of it if we didn't visit regularly.

I've seen that here loads and everyone is always on the woman's side so you are unusual. Its as if woman are allowed to be close to their Mums as adults and that comes first and men are not. Even the language is awful "mummy's boy".

@Grobagsforever that's overly harsh! This is a site people come to for advice and support. We are all making assessments of what we feel is for the best during this difficult time. Please rethink your attitude.

My sister was so apologetic that my two year old nephew didn't recognise me after an eight month covid gap.

I just laughed it off. Of course he doesn't recognise me, I disappeared for a third of his life. It will have no affect whatsoever on our relationship once he's older.

"Heartbroken, my baby boy will never get to know how much I love him"

Regardless of whether you are making the right call (and who knows at the moment?), her inability to respect your feelings and decisions will do far more harm to her relationship with her grandson than a few months of not hugging.

This is really sad but of course yanbu at all. If anything you are protecting the pils as they will likely have a worse illness if it is transmitted

It always disturbs me when grandparents start banging on about their 'rights'. It's invariably done in the context that the grandparent expects what they see as their rights to supersede the judgement of the parents, and more importantly, the rights of the children themselves.

It's a side issue but IMO the campaigning of Esther Rantzen et al about GP rights should never become enshrined in UK law. Parental responsibility means precisely that.

FWIW, I do think you're being overly cautious but I don't blame you for that at all. I was an overly-cautious first-time Mum as well. It's a worrying time in the best of circumstances, and a global pandemic certainly doesn't qualify. Had I been a grandparent whose son/daughter had made that decision I hope I'd understand, and not bend their ears with the kind of self-pitying manipulation she seems to be showing.

Your MiL also seems quite proprietorial. Were 'MY baby' the actual words she used? He isn't 'her' baby, he's yours, and she needs to get used to the idea that she is not #1 decision maker in the life of someone else's child. Also, 2-3 visits a week is a lot. If her behaviour becomes too much you could dial that back, which could become easier with the autumn weather setting in. I'd also take a step back and stop texting her. It's enabling her to think this behaviour is OK.

When you've drawn boundaries with people like this you have to stick to them or you're setting yourself up for real difficulties in the future. YANBU.

Seems like a great opportunity to scale back the visits.

It's nothing to do with covid, but my DC have a better "bond" with the grandparents that live abroad and that they have only seen a couple of times a year since birth than they do with the ones in this country. So that part of her argument is bollocks.
I can see why she is upset, but the nonsense about bonds and them not knowing her are a teensy bit OTT. If it was me I'd have more sympathy for her if she wasn't trying to emotionally blackmail me.

Do these over-dramatic grandmothers shed real tears?

Unless I'm mistaken nowhere are cases soaring, and so what if they are, nobody is dying. It's a lot of fuss about not much. In this case YABVU.

However, your child and you make the rules. Mil is being dramatic but probably does believe what she is saying about not gaining a bond, although she is greatly mistaken.

Just keep reaffirming that this isn't the case and your son will not remember any of this and get to know his granny.

Are you planning on returning to work OP? If so it’s unlikely that you’ll maintain visiting 2-3 times a week then. Is your MIL going to kick off about that as well?

I hope you’re not planning on relying on her for childcare when/if you return to work. You only need to do a quick search on here to see how tricky it gets when you rely on family members (especially ones with a history of manipulative behaviour) for regular childcare.

YANBU and she’s shown you her true colours. If your DH missed visits and ignored her texts, help him move away from her, he’s trying to distance himself and you’re going over what he’s trying to do due to your guilt. “My baby” and all that bullshit will only get worse. Cut down the visits of you’re preparing to go back to work etc.

Keep staying 2m away from them.

The trick for dealing with GPS who don't accept boundaries are the three dos.

Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do as you're fucking told.

Obviously this is completely irrelevant for loving GPs who understand boundaries, but is perfect for pathetic cunts like your MIL.

@darklady64

It's nothing to do with covid, but my DC have a better "bond" with the grandparents that live abroad and that they have only seen a couple of times a year since birth than they do with the ones in this country. So that part of her argument is bollocks. I can see why she is upset, but the nonsense about bonds and them not knowing her are a teensy bit OTT. If it was me I'd have more sympathy for her if she wasn't trying to emotionally blackmail me.

This was also absolutely the case in our family, better bond with grandparents far away who were lovely than toxic ones who lived nearby and acted like this grandmother.

@Devlesko

Unless I'm mistaken nowhere are cases soaring, and so what if they are, nobody is dying. It's a lot of fuss about not much. In this case YABVU.

However, your child and you make the rules. Mil is being dramatic but probably does believe what she is saying about not gaining a bond, although she is greatly mistaken.

Just keep reaffirming that this isn't the case and your son will not remember any of this and get to know his granny.

Um wow

@OoohTheStatsDontLie

I dont think she is being entitled but she is being massively over dramatic. Her baby boy!? Never get to know!? There are plenty of ways of showing or telling someone you love them without cuddling them.

One thing I'd say though is the risk to healthy children is statistically so small to be considered as nil, and she has the right to decide what risks she wants to take with her own health. So if she is happy to accept the increased risk to her health from mixing with a young child then I think it's odd for you to decide you won't allow it to keep her safe, if that makes sense

out of interest, will your MIL be helping out with child minding when you go back to work?

I know she has used some poor choice of words but the comments on here are harsh.

This is a woman who loves your child. That’s a good thing and I would avoid starting a war.

Oops sorry got messages mixed up.

This one was supposed to say “DH and I have decided that it's best we start to distance our son again as we don't want to put him or us at unnecessary risk.” OP didn’t say putting MIL at risk.

DS is her first grandchild.

That still doesn’t give her any rights at all. what if you moved to Australia?!