My daughter's behaviour is really bad :(

[AzumiRM]

Hi all.

I was dropped into my daughters life at the age of 3 (on July 22nd) as I was previously serving a prison sentence for which I am very ashamed. Some examples of her behavior and how it is handled in general are;

1. She screams or cries to get what she wants. And my wife usually gives her what she wants when she does so. So my has my daughter already connected Crying = Get what I want?

1. She won't allow me to wash her or give her a bath, despite saying that she wants to take a bath with me. She isn't like this with her mother

1. She asks me to take her to the toilet as she really needs to go and then when we get to the toilet she just wants to play with the child seat. She isn't like this with her mother.

1. She walked up to me after my wife had let me use her mobile phone, grabbed the phone from my hands in the middle of a call and said "That's mum's phone" and then walked off with the phone still active and gave it to her mother.

And other general disobedient and disrespectful behaviors.

What should I do in cases like theses?
Any Advice would be greatly appreciated.

She has just turned 3 and sounds like a normal 3 year old m, you have also just came in to her life you need to build trust with her.

I think this sounds normal for a 3 year old who is adjusting to having you back in her life. In particular it’s good that she has some natural instinctive boundaries around her personal care. Be patient and kind to rebuild a relationship with your daughter.

She doesn't even know you. You have to be patient and give her lots of time.

Sounds like completely normal three year old behaviour. What have you and her mother agreed to do about setting boundaries?

You say it’s disrespectful behaviour. Disrespectful towards who? You? If so you are going to have to work on your relationship with your daughter. You haven’t been there for the majority of her life to earn her respect. Or have a relationship. Only you can fix that

I am assuming your wife is the mother if so

1. Your wife is choosing battles

2.She doesn't know you, she might find you exciting and get to a certain point, but then realise she wants her mum

1. See 2
2. She has a point it is her mums phone, did her mum say no thats ok, I said he can use it?

Kids will keep pushing boundaries wherever they can. Just keep going - gentle but firm. I find distraction helpful at this age. It doesn’t look like you want to sit on the toilet? - shall we wash our hands and play with your cars?

Your daughter is 3 and is confused about why you're now living with her and is figuring out what sort of parent you're going to be. You wrote her behaviour is really bad but I reckon yours must be worse if you've just spent 3 years in the Big House.

She sounds like a very normal 3 year old to me.

She's 3....all of what you describe is normal. 3 year old's don't have any self control. Teaching them right from wrong takes time and patience

What should I do in cases like theses?
Any Advice would be greatly appreciated.

1 - Go as soon as possible to a really good, thorough parenting course.

2 - Buy and read books on normal child development. You are dealing with a normal three year old. You need to find out what normal behaviour you can expect from her.

3 - Get over the jealousy you are feeling that your daughter has a stronger relationship with the parent who has been doing the spadework of raising her for her entire life so far.

4 - You are a stranger to her, and that is not her fault or her mother's. She owes you nothing. You will need to work hard to gain her trust and her respect.

DS (almost 3) does most of these. And he's a fairly well-behaved for a toddler. Your expectations are far too high.

Essentially, you want her to accept you automatically as a good "mummy alternative". But you haven't been around so far (not your choice, I know) and mummy has. So YABU. Many young children prefer mummy even when daddy has been a constant presence. You need to build your relationship. And the first thing you need to be is a safe space. Agree expectations and how to discipline. Absolutely no shouting, grabbing and losing it, that's scary for a little one. Deal with misbehaviour calmly and firmly. She's 3 and doesn't really understand the concept of "disrespect" , pushing boundaries is what they do at that age. But she does understand when someone is a lot bigger than her and is angry and scary so don't be that person. Second, we get on far better with DS when we make things a joke - "Oh no, the bedtime monster is coming to take you to bed. He wants to give you lots of hugs!" - and also give simple choices - "We're not having biscuits now, but would you like an apple or some cheese". One book which we've found useful in parenting DS is Playful Parenting, you might want to take a look.

Phone thing is totally developmentally normal, they're still working out their ideas of ownership and have difficulty sharing. We have that here all the time - "Gran, That's Mummy's chair", "Mummy, that's Daddy's book". We use it to reinforce sharing - "Yes, well done, that's Mummy's chair, but Mummy is sharing it with Gran so Gran has somewhere to sit. Isn't that kind?"

Is your wife her mum?
If so she will naturally be closer to her as she has been with her her whole life.
You have just been dropped into her life, as you say, so at 3 she will be wondering what is going on.

Most of what you have listed is typical for a 3 year old.
How is she disrespecting you?

And other general disobedient and disrespectful behaviors.

This sentence of yours jumps out. It is really, really worrying because you have been in the home for just about 6 weeks and it is clear things have gone very badly.

Reading between the lines, it seems to me you are posting here because your arrival has caused a good deal of disruption in the family dynamic and that there have been arguments with the mother as to how she handles the child's behaviour.

I sincerely hope you have not been angry or impatient with this little child, demanding respect and obedience with a raised voice or a raised hand. I sincerely hope you have not criticised her mother for her parenting.

You need to step right back and stop trying to lay down the law. You need to fall into step behind the mother here.

Find a parenting class and go to it.
Get counseling for yourself to resolve issues you have around your role as a man and your expectations of this child and her mother.

She sounds like a lovely and normal 3 year old who has not immediately warmed to a stranger being dropped in to her life. Understandable

Welcome to parenting a three year old. They push buttons you didn't even realise you had.

I'm hoping it's inexperience and naivety that is the basis of this post because I find your attitude more worrying then hers.

Sounds perfectly normal, and really not bad behaviour at all. She is three and you are essentially a stranger to her.

It will take time and patience to build the relationship with both her and your wife, one of the worst things you can do now is to try and enforce your own parenting style on to them, especially as you seem to have unrealistic expectations of a three year old.

There are some great parenting courses and books available, your probation officer should be able to point you in the right direction.

The thing with 3 year olds is, they look like mini adults who can walk/talk/express opinions and needs, even start to do basic self-care stuff (use the potty/ put on shoes etc) so it can be very easy to assume that mentally and emotionally they are more mature than they really are. In reality, despite how "grown up" they are in some ways, they are still toddlers. They struggle to regulate their behaviour and emotions, they do tantrum, they don't always understand why they can't/ shouldn't do or have something. I very much agree with posters who've suggested reading up on 3 year old development. Your daughter is still so very young, you don't know her very well and she is displaying very typical behaviours. She's not "naughty" or trying to wind you up - she's playful and silly and unsure and still figuring things out. You need to be patient and kind with her and build up trust. Spend time playing with her and chatting to her and talk with your partner about the best way to de-escalate tantrums and encourage good behaviour from her.

All normal three year old behaviour. Nothing there that’s even unusual, let alone ‘really bad’.

It's all normal three year behaviour, tbh you are lucky it's not really challenging behaviour as she adjusts to having a stranger suddenly living in her home - that's how it is for her.

You have been given lots of good advice. It’s hard parenting a small child, the first 3 years are the toughest and your wife has had to do that on her own so don’t judge her.

The books how to talk so little kids listens and the book you wished your parents had read are both really good and I recommend you read them.

Right now you are more akin to a new stepfather in the eyes of your Daughter so I suggest you do some reading on step families to see how they can smoothly integrate into the child’s life. As mathanxiety said- follow your wife’s lead- she’s the expert on parenting at the moment you need to just take a more passive discipline/parenting role and observe, and maybe focus on easing the pressure on your wife by doing the bulk of the housework for now. Someone else suggested taking a parenting course and I would agree.

Also, there’s nothing you’ve said in your OP that sounds concerning about a 3 year olds behaviour. What’s more concerning is your attitude and expectations, hence my advice above.

Its going to take time for her to adjust but honestly a lot of those things happen with my son, we parent very 50/50 but he always wants the one who isn't there.

You need to learn about your childs current personality and how she will develop, its for you to fit into her life, not for her to suddenly fit around your return.