My daughter's behaviour is really bad :(

[AzumiRM]

Hi all.

I was dropped into my daughters life at the age of 3 (on July 22nd) as I was previously serving a prison sentence for which I am very ashamed. Some examples of her behavior and how it is handled in general are;

1. She screams or cries to get what she wants. And my wife usually gives her what she wants when she does so. So my has my daughter already connected Crying = Get what I want?

1. She won't allow me to wash her or give her a bath, despite saying that she wants to take a bath with me. She isn't like this with her mother

1. She asks me to take her to the toilet as she really needs to go and then when we get to the toilet she just wants to play with the child seat. She isn't like this with her mother.

1. She walked up to me after my wife had let me use her mobile phone, grabbed the phone from my hands in the middle of a call and said "That's mum's phone" and then walked off with the phone still active and gave it to her mother.

And other general disobedient and disrespectful behaviors.

What should I do in cases like theses?
Any Advice would be greatly appreciated.

You say you dropped in to your three year old's life. So you are basically a stranger to her. You need to go on a parenting course ASAP. She is dealing with a huge thing. You her 'Daddy' suddenly being in her life. My kids would behave differently with my DH because he worked such long hours. It's normal behaviour! It is you who is abnormal in your expectations! Be humble. Be gentle and be patient. You have not been there for her, so she is going to test you and test you, probably for the rest of her life.

Oh and if you haven't learned this already, you need to. Respect isn't a given. Respect is earned. She will have no respect for you yet since July 22. Earn it by never letting her down again and being there for her. When she said that's Mum's phone, she was basically saying I am mum's. She is going through so much and you sound so full of yourself and your expectations.

PS I hate your thread title. It is so negative and then the pathetic smiley face.

Comments reveal so much! To those of you who showed compassion and gave great advice - you win the day! The judgemental - the OP is not the only one who ought to learn, relearn and ponder!
OP - parenting requires learning, relearning and pondering the whole time. Each stage, each new scenario etc. Could you look at your situation like that of being a new parent? Good Luck and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!
To those of you asking about OP's parents and why OP was jailed? Wind your necks in! #benice no longer a thing? Any opportunity to bully eh?

It's the mother and child who really deserve compassion in the face of OP's judgement.

@BiggapTwins

How about you wing your neck in. I'll save my sympathy for the poor little girl saddled with this for a father

All very normal behaviour for a 3yr old, though mum shouldn’t be giving in to her when she has tantrums but maybe she’s got used to overcompensating for the lack of your presence. Just be patient, it’s only been a few weeks and the little girl needs a lot longer than that to get to know you.

It's possibly similar to the experience men had after returning from the war to children they didn't know. Are there parenting classes or whole family sessions you could attend. If you have a social worker or probation officer they could advise you on this. It's not your daughter who necessarily has to change her behaviour, it's you.
For whatever reason you absented yourself from the family home during really formative years for your daughter. You need to make the effort and it's really going to be an effort. The story about taking her to the toilet is really sad, you can't expect to be involved in intimate care when you're a stranger.
Best of luck and ask the various agencies for help.

Wind your necks in! #benice no longer a thing? Any opportunity to bully eh?

I read that and genuinely thought, “who the duck is Benice and what’s she got to do with the price of fish?”

#CapitaliseAppropriately

I agree that she just sounds like a 3 year old. Mine is coming up to 3 and does all of this stuff. They need to be reminded of what is OK and what is not. They are not capable of getting it the first time at the moment. Everything is new and strange and they have to learn all of it at the same time. Do not be angry because you have to repeat.

In my personal opinion firm boundaries kindky and consistently maintained are better than a very old-fashioned notion of discipline and respect. One thing that really helps is telling them what they should do rather than what they shouldn't do - you're much more likely to get your phone back if you say "Give me back the phone" than "Don't take Daddy's phone", or "Let go of [thing]" rather than "stop shaking/pulling [thing]". They need to be told what to do, and telling them not to do something leaves them very confused about what they should be doing.

I try to empathise with my daughter when she has a tantrum. I tell her that I know why she is upset and I am sorry that I can't give her what she wants and I explain why. Then I offer a hug, but I never force a hug on her if she doesn't want it. She calms down quite quickly and I think this way she learns that she can't get what she wants without being scared by loud adult voices or confused. It works for us, anyway.

I was trying to be sympathetic until I got to the bit about "disrespectful behaviours". What exactly have you done in her short life - or your even shorter time in her presence - to earn her respect? Other than being recently released from prison...

She's 3 and you are a stranger. She doesn't know you and she owes you nothing.

You want to walk through the door, say hi! I'm your dad and slot into her life with a great relationship and with no real clue how to be a father to her.

That's unrealistic and hugely unfair to her.

You need to work hard to earn her love, trust and respect. You don't know anything about toddlers if you think she's behaving badly. You would benefit from a parenting course.

You need to change the way you think. Forget about how you're feeling and this fantasy about how a three year old will instantly accept this huge change to her life and be obedient (again. 3. Bonkers!) and prioritise her!

You fucked up and you missed three years of her life as a result. That's your fault. Don't compound that by trying to force things and impose your will now.

Hope you're keeping well after being in prison OP. Took balls to admit that on here.
Trust takes time to build up. Just be there and spend as much time as you can with your daughter. Once she realises you're here to stay she will begin to trust you. Good luck

She's three, and while she has probably been in your thoughts for her full lifetime she doesn't know you yet.

You will get there, nothing she is doing is extreme at her age. Be patient and calm. Try and distract her from the behaviour. She will see you as her dad soon enough, but you need to give her time to adjust.

And OP hasn't come back...

@SalterWatcher

And OP hasn't come back...

How disrespectful.

Indeed @UnaCorda

Why should she automatically respect you? And three year olds have no clue about the concept of respect.

You need parenting books and classes. Try to put yourself in your DD's shoes. Would you let someone you don't know, someone who's much bigger and scarier than you, bath you? She is perfectly allowed her own opinions. Listen to her.

She and your wife deserve your respect. Your wife has been a single parent for three years while you've been in prison. Can't have been a picnic for her. I hope you're suitably grateful and complimentary about her parenting.

Take things very slowly with your dd. Perhaps play with her, go for walks with her, chat to her. Find out what she's like and what she likes before you start bathing her etc. It takes time to build trust.

OP I hope your reading and just not commenting.

Let her come to you. Don’t force an “instant” bond because you think of her as your baby but she doesn’t know you and honestly you don’t know her as an actual person. (And at 3 they are a person with their own minds, likes and dislikes)
So go slow and enjoy her rather than focus on her behaviour.

Ask her what her favourite show is, watch it together, play games pretending to be the characters (be as silly as you can)

My 3 year old currently loves Octonauts it’s her and her dads thing they do together. (She also loves weirdly octopus escaping mazes on YouTube) so they play Octonauts, play fish frenzy on the Xbox, chat about ocean things, try and find pictures of the actual creatures that are in the show, go to swimming lessons, go the aquarium, make fish biscuits etc.
While her 6 year old sister is really into Messy goes to Okido so they do science experiments together when each new magazine arrives.