My daughter's behaviour is really bad :(

[AzumiRM]

Hi all.

I was dropped into my daughters life at the age of 3 (on July 22nd) as I was previously serving a prison sentence for which I am very ashamed. Some examples of her behavior and how it is handled in general are;

1. She screams or cries to get what she wants. And my wife usually gives her what she wants when she does so. So my has my daughter already connected Crying = Get what I want?

1. She won't allow me to wash her or give her a bath, despite saying that she wants to take a bath with me. She isn't like this with her mother

1. She asks me to take her to the toilet as she really needs to go and then when we get to the toilet she just wants to play with the child seat. She isn't like this with her mother.

1. She walked up to me after my wife had let me use her mobile phone, grabbed the phone from my hands in the middle of a call and said "That's mum's phone" and then walked off with the phone still active and gave it to her mother.

And other general disobedient and disrespectful behaviors.

What should I do in cases like theses?
Any Advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP, you sound like my dad, who turned around and shouted at my three year old nephew: stop that! You're behaving like a child!
Because you've been away, you haven't seen the milestones she's achieved gradually and maybe you are expecting way too much of her. Toddlers aren't designed to be obedient or logical. Quite literally, their brains at that age are designed to test boundaries, to explore, challenge and through this process to discover limits and social negotiation.

I recommend you just spend time on the floor with her, at her level, playing with her, chatting to her, asking her questions. If she goes to the loo and wants to play with the seat, that's fine. tell her you need to clean the seat - she can help you spray or rub it with a cloth and then show her how it goes up and down. A lot of good parenting at that age is just being patient while they explore the world.

She's three.

You've been in her life for less than two months and yet you expect her to have instantly bonded with you? She's three FFS!

She really isn't disrespectful - goodness me she's 3! I hope you're kinder to her than this post sounds.

This is not bad behaviour. This is normal 3-year-old behaviour. And after all, she has known you for less than two months, and doesn't really have a concept of you as a parent. Some of the behaviours that you describe are not only not 'bad', but show healthy caution with strangers - and you are as yet essentially a stranger. I would worry about a child who did show the same level of affection and trust to someone she's known for 7 weeks as to her mother with whom she's always lived. You need to go in as slowly and carefully as you would if you were a step-parent or foster-parent, and not expect the same attachment from the first day as if you'd been living with her as her Daddy from the time she was born.

Sounds like normal 3 year old behaviour.

Remember, you are still essentially a stranger to her. In her head, a random man (?) has dropped into her life and is trying to interact with, and discipline her, like she's known him all her life. She might call you daddy, but she doesn't know what that really means. And the word "daddy" is not linked to a relationship. It's no different to her calling you Bob, or Tony.

It's going to take a lot more than a month and a half to get a tight bond with her. Give it time.

And other general disobedient and disrespectful behaviors.

Are you still with the mother? If so, if I were your child's mother reading this I'd put you out the fucking door so fast your feet wouldn't touch the ground.

You, by your own fault, are a stranger to your small child. Instead of plotting on how to throw your weight around with a 3 year old, concentrate on working on your own behaviour, which apparently has been sufficiently problematic as to warrant a lengthy prison sentence.

Your DD sounds totally normal for 3.
My 3 year old told me this morning how awful I was. (It’s true)
Toddlers aren’t respectful and honestly they shouldn’t be.
If they are truly “respectful” then all they have learnt is fear.

It’s hard to get out if the survival “respect” (aka fear of reprisals and being viewed as weak) view from prison.
Your in a unique position to actually be able to understand her point of view.
Your whole life changed from the point you were remanded into custody.
You no longer knew the rules, people told you what to do all the time, new people were in your space, you lost control of your life, you were scared (even if you don’t want to admit it) and you would have lost you as in who you were on the outside to survival.

It’s the same got your DD but even worse.
She literally hasn’t known any different.
It’s been her and her mum, her mum is her safe place and her whole everything.
Her whole life and everything she knew changed the moment you came home and is out of her control (of which little kids control very little) which means she will cling tighter to her safe place which is her mum.
Your the intruder in her space.

Think of all your emotions then turn them up to 11 but you haven’t learnt how to actually control them yet.
It’s overwhelming. That’s 3.
Your a grown man who has learnt to control his feelings while your DD is a muddle of feelings that she hasn’t learnt to control or even name yet.
Respect isn’t something toddlers give you, Respect and inclusion in their lives is something you need to earn.

I think it's pretty disrespectful to slate your wife's parenting (which is essentially what you are doing) when she's been managing on her own for three years while you were serving at her majesty's pleasure.

Your daughter's behaviour doesn't sound terrible at all, especially giving the circumstances. You need to build the relationship with her, find common ground, respect her boundaries and support your wife. Read some parenting books (our local library has a whole section), get on a parenting course and take your time.

She’s three

OP,
Fantastic advice above.
Well done for seeking advice.

However unpalatable the above advice is, you would be well advised to read and re-read it.

You are at a critical juncture with this child.

How YOU behave and manage your expectations will be crucial, going forward.

If this relationship fails it will be down to you.

This child owes you absolutely nothing.

Proceed with the greatest of care.
Because if she rejects you now because of your unrealistic expectations of her, you may not get a second chance.

Follow her mother's lead.
Do not impose your will here.

Good luck.

Ha, you've a cheek to talk about bad behaviour. She sounds like a normal 3 year old. Get over yourself.
I'm guessing you won't be coming back to the thread though.

What kind of disrespectful behaviour does a 3 year old show?

She is a toddler and you have been our of her life you have to get to know eachother and you need to earn her trust.

As you have served so long I presume you are attached to a probation officer? If so I would ask them for a family first/ early help referral and they will get you some parenting courses and workshops.

@mathanxiety’s posts are spot on. Really good advice there. If you still have a local children’s centre, try that as a first port of call for parenting courses.

OP the advice above about thinking of yourself for the moment as a step parent is good, and you may find it useful to read some of the step parenting board and talking to them.

It is a very hard situation for you: you think of yourself as your dd's parent, you want to be an equal parent and for her to treat you as her parent, you want her love and trust the way you see her give it to her mother, you want to be part of shared parenting in a parenting approach you and your wife both agree on, and you've loved and thought of dd as your child since she was born.

Your dd's and wife's reality however isn't the same. Your dd has experienced single parenting and your wife has been doing single parenting. In your dd's world, suddenly a new adult has moved in, is changing things, wanting to be part of things, challenging mum about how things are done, taking up time and territory that she thought of as hers and her mothers - she may well be quite angry with you about the way her little world has changed, and she may not yet see the changes are all good ones. Your dd isn't an adult, she doesn't have that internal relationship with you, she has no certainty that having appeared suddenly in her life you won't disappear again, and you're going to have to get to know her, build trust and earn that place in her life in very small steps.

I can imagine how upsetting that is to think of, but that is the reality. You would probably find it works better in the long term to approach this like a step dad moving in to an existing family for the first time, and finding out how other men have done this.

This gives me the rage. Not the fact you have been in prison but the tone of your post is that you believe your 3 year old is to blame for displaying normal toddler behaviour.

Some good advice on here, maybe look at your behaviour building a bond rather than hers.

I'll add I have a lot of sympathy here for both you and dd - a family member went through similar having been on an overseas posting for all of his toddler's life. He tried a lot of discipline and sorting out when he got home and perceived his angry, invaded, upset and unsettled toddler as spoiled, although a lot of it was his own anger and upset about the toddler rejecting him, and about just wanting back the life he should have had with his wife and child and was grieving for. You're going to need support in separating out what part of this is you and your feelings and what you need to get through this, and what is your child's feelings and what they need.

Respect and trust has to be earned. Have you tried to earn it from her? Or have you just suddenly arrived in her home and expected her to like you let alone love you, act comfortably around you, obey you (!) respect and trust you and dance to your tune when your wife has been a single mother for the past three years because you couldn't stop yourself from breaking the law? You are the one who needs to adjust to your being home, not your daughter.

Lets be honest here, you have just popped up into your daughters life and she hardly knows you, what do you expect? It takes time and patience.
And lets face it you've been a very naughty boy yourself to get three years inside. I don''t see anyone putting you on the naughty step, it must have been properly tough for your partner coping on her own all this time and I think you are lucky to have a home to come out to.
Her behaviour is normal for a child this age in this situation.
Your behaviour has been appalling. Cut the kid some slack and grow up.
Your daughter has had all this time alone with her mother and then this man turns up taking all of the attention away from her.

Your sentence about disobedient and disrespectful behaviour is a massive red flag to me. You need to take a huge step back and earn your place in your DD's life - right now you are just a random bloke who has come into her life, from her point of view. Take mathanxiety's advice to heart, because right now your thinking is utterly distorted. If I were your wife, I would be very cautious about your role in your DD's life.

I am wondering what you expected when you got home.

You have been away, someone upthread said it wasn’t your fault. I have to disagree. It was your fault. You don’t get put in prison for 3 years just because someone else decided to imprison you on a whim.

Now you are back you cannot undo 3 years of absence in 6 weeks.
You seem think normal 3 year old behaviour is bad and disrespectful.

Why are you getting upset that a 3 year old you haven’t seen for 3 years doesn’t respect you. I doubt she knows the meaning of the word

I think from your post it comes across as you have returned from prison and everyone, including your wife and dd should stop what they were doing and start doing everything your way.

I think you need to get over yourself. Why would any 3 year old give respect to a stranger. To your dd that is what you are.

Your wife and child have a routine and you need to fit in with them not the other way round

Imagine a total stranger, much bigger than you, suddenly moving into your house and telling you what to do. That's what it's like for her. Her mum is all she's known really for all of her life. Give her time to get to know you and who you are. Don't expect too much, too soon. She's no different to most three year olds.

Disrespectful? Don't even go there.

Zip your mouth, read some parenting books and watch and learn. You're the one on probation here - not your daughter.

You're a stranger to her. The respect here needs to only go one way - and that's from you, to the person who has single-handedly raised this child from a baby because you weren't there to do your share. Learn from your wife and realise that she's the head of the household here, and that's who your daughter will probably always look to.

For now, your job is to respect their space, the lives they have built, the fact that to your daughter you're a strange man, and learn how to start being a parent and earn your place in what is actually THEIR family right now.

If you wade in talking about 'respect' with a three year old, not only will you clearly never earn it, I would think you're unlikely to even still be in that house TO earn it in 6 months' time.

Some where along the line OP you have been seriously, indeed criminally, disobedient and disrespectful to the law.

So I’d look inwards first!

Oh and the start of your post speaks VOLUMES.

'I was dropped' - no. No. Own it. Nobody 'dropped' you. Your actions took you out of their lives and now you have to work to earn a place back in.

Stop with the passive descriptions - they say a lot about how much responsibility for all this you seem to be taking.