My daughter's behaviour is really bad :(

[AzumiRM]

Hi all.

I was dropped into my daughters life at the age of 3 (on July 22nd) as I was previously serving a prison sentence for which I am very ashamed. Some examples of her behavior and how it is handled in general are;

1. She screams or cries to get what she wants. And my wife usually gives her what she wants when she does so. So my has my daughter already connected Crying = Get what I want?

1. She won't allow me to wash her or give her a bath, despite saying that she wants to take a bath with me. She isn't like this with her mother

1. She asks me to take her to the toilet as she really needs to go and then when we get to the toilet she just wants to play with the child seat. She isn't like this with her mother.

1. She walked up to me after my wife had let me use her mobile phone, grabbed the phone from my hands in the middle of a call and said "That's mum's phone" and then walked off with the phone still active and gave it to her mother.

And other general disobedient and disrespectful behaviors.

What should I do in cases like theses?
Any Advice would be greatly appreciated.

She is 3. She is not ‘disrespectful’

Watch and mirror how her mum interacts with her and managed her. You don’t get to ‘drop in’ to her life and start laying the law down after a few weeks.

It's a huge change for your daughter, it's just been her and her mother for three years, she needs time to get used to you being there.

Her behaviour doesn't sound bad at all, she is probably very confused with the change of dynamics.

You need to give her some time to get used to you being there and I'm sure she'll come to accept that you're in her life . Less than two months isn't very long at all.

Your daughter's behaviour is not bad.

I love how you call it disrespectful and disobedient when you've literally got out of prison for something obviously pretty awful.
Glass houses springs to mind.

I have a three, almost 4 year old and everything you describe sounds like perfectly normal toddler behaviour to me, she sounds very well behaved to be honest. Toddlers will push buttons you didn't even know you had. Mine can be a right little madam some days. Your wife has done a good job.

As pretty much everyone else has said, you are a relative stranger to this child, she doesn't know you, she doesn't trust you yet, you have come into her home and her life and it's up to you to adapt to her surroundings not barge in laying down the law and demanding 'respect' when you haven't been there and she hasn't a clue who you are. Trying to parent through fear won't get you anywhere. Let her mother lead the way and fall in line behind her. If you play your cards right the father/daughter relationship will begin to grow. But it takes time.

I don't believe in condemning others for their mistakes, you did your time and you are allowed to move forward but what you have to keep at the very front of your mind is that none of this, is this little girls fault. None of it. It's you who needs to put the work in here.

She sounds like good fun to me, you must be very proud of her charm and sense of humour!

1. engage in conversation with someone else whilst she's screaming. Start talking about something that she would enjoy being part of - she might try to participate but she may be a skilled 3 year old and you may have to just leave the room for a little while.
2. if she declines a bath, just have one without her and suggest another time.
3. get a whiteboard marker. Turn her round on the toilet to face the seat, hand her the marker and help her draw whilst she wees.
4. she's not wrong though?

Your daughter is 3 and is confused about why you're now living with her and is figuring out what sort of parent you're going to be. You wrote her behaviour is really bad but I reckon yours must be worse if you've just spent 3 years in the Big House.

^ this. And tbh I think your wife has made a mistake allowing you to move straight back in. There should have been a very gradual introduction. You are a stranger to your child.

Points 2 and 3
Back of dad ,untill she realises she can trust you ,and your here to stay .
It’s not your right To have a bath with her
It’s not your right to take her to the toilet
Why is that that even an issue
Instead of wanting to get in a bath with her ,try some soft stuff ,or painting together ,have a laugh together ,build a relationship Together,and bath ,toilet issues will resolve themselves,because she will want you to help her ,at the moment she does not want that ,as she does not know you

She is not disresepctful. She doesn't know you. My 7 year old -can be naughty and not listen and not do as I ask and I see him every day 24/7 and haven't been away from him.

You have no bond, no rights at the moment, your wife was a sole parent -with no support from you.

A strange man has come into her life and into her home and into her time -most children and certainly toddlers cry to get what they "want" because they can't get it themselves. Eg Toddler crying -perhaps not even knowing why -doesn't feel good or thirsty etc -Mum sees child and knows sometimes what the child needs eg overtired, drink, food etc -Mum gives child what they want / need. You are an adult -you are upset you can vocalise it etc. she can't.

Some posts on here are a bit aggressive. Prisoners are very vulnerable on release to reoffend. Let's support this man to build a positive life, help him with our experience to become a good parent. Nobody is born a perfect parent, we all had to learn.

For the sake of the girl, and wider society, let's give OP a chance. He has acknowledged his didn't know what to do by coming on here. That's a great step.

Your sentence about her being disrespectful and disobedient is massively worrying for me. 3 year old don't know about respect. Is sound like you want her to conform to you when you've just been dropped into her life.

She sounds like a normal 3 year old, there may also be some attachment problems. Just be patient and calm, don’t shout or take any of this behaviour personally and work on having lots of fun and enjoying her. Spend as much time as you can outdoors, a park or field is where little kids are happiest and they don’t have as many opportunities to “misbehave.”

His may be toddler behaviour turned up to 100 because of attachment problems. If a child doesn’t attach they don’t learn trust and they have no reason to behave or listen to you. This isn’t normal “naughty” behaviour, it’s a child acting on hurt feelings. At 3 no child will understand why they were ripped from their mum so all they have are feelings. Just be a great parent, see her point of view even though she won’t see yours.

Also look into attachment theory and it may help explain your daughter’s behaviour and help both of you.

Be wary of time outs, behaviour charts and punishment, this is not average bad behaviour and these techniques may make things worse.

She’s just adjusting to having you in her life. Give it time. The relationship will build.

Nothing that you are describing is bad behaviour from a three year old. I am concerned with your use of terms 'disobedient and disrespectful'. She is a baby! How can she understand respect?!
It sounds to me like you need to examine your own upbringing. What led you to go off the rails and end up in prison? Perhaps you didn't have the best parenting examples yourself. Parenting is a lot more than asserting yourself/disciplining children into submission. It's about empathy, building confidence, patience, nurturing, gentleness, safety and consistency. It requires a whole array of techniques. You don't just get to walk into her life and parent your own way. Even if your wife/partner is a bit soft with her parenting, she has had to choose her own battles as single parenting is harder than you could ever imagine. She has also, most likely, had to compensate for the lack of a father figure in her babies life. And you have to take responsibility for that. I think that Maths anxiety is spot on. Step into line. Consistency is more important right now than creating confusion or conflict. I would strongly advise a parenting course.

If you really want this to work you have gone in far too quickly in just turning up. This needs a very soft approach

And you need to get some parenting classes and change your view of disrespectful behaviour

There are probably things in the fridge that are older than her experience of living with you.

Give her time and get to know her. At the moment you're an intrusion into her relationship with her mum and this is a very real threat to a child. She doesn't trust you yet.

She's doing normal 3 year old things and she doesn't even know you, so why are you expecting so much of her? I think a parenting course would be really useful in building your understanding of young children and working out how to form a better relationship with her.

She is 3!! You have been in her life for less than 2 months, it's not her with the problem it's you!

You sound extremely distant from your daughter, which I suppose is only to be expected. But there's no sign of affection in your post whatsoever.

Why not forget trying to improve her, and just sit back and try to get to know her, enjoy her, have fun with her? Build a relationship with her before you swan in telling your wife she's been getting it wrong and has raised a little shit.

I find it ironic you’re questioning her “bad behaviour” when you’ve been to prison- so clearly been badly behaved yourself- but to answer your question, she’s 3 and all this is normal. She doesn’t even know you by the sounds of it and at 3 it wouldn’t have occurred to her that she is being “disrespectful”.

Our local authority runs courses based on this book

www.amazon.co.uk/Incredible-Years-Carolyn-Webster-Stratton/dp/1892222043/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=the+incredible+years&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1599986466&sr=8-3

Please read it. It’ll get the right ‘groove’ for you to be in.

I agree with a lot of distraction. You don’t want to have to climb down, so don’t get into those confrontational situations

You need to build a relationship based on trust, kindness and respect. At the moment support your wife and try to spend time with your daughter on her terms (if she changes her mind, fine, she’s entitled to). You should be having zero input in the discipline side for some time unless she is in immediate physical danger or your wife asks you directly to help out.

She’s 3 and you’re practically a stranger. She doesn’t owe you anything. Her Mum is her parent. You have to start now and if you’re lucky enough you will win her love, trust and affections.

You don’t get to just drop in after 3 years and be her Dad. Biology means nothing you haven’t been there!

Good behaviour is learned. She’s only 3. Itvtakes time.
One good tactic is distraction. If a toddler is misbehaving, suggest a new activity or toy you can do/play with together.

Time, patience and love