My daughter's behaviour is really bad :(

[AzumiRM]

Hi all.

I was dropped into my daughters life at the age of 3 (on July 22nd) as I was previously serving a prison sentence for which I am very ashamed. Some examples of her behavior and how it is handled in general are;

1. She screams or cries to get what she wants. And my wife usually gives her what she wants when she does so. So my has my daughter already connected Crying = Get what I want?

1. She won't allow me to wash her or give her a bath, despite saying that she wants to take a bath with me. She isn't like this with her mother

1. She asks me to take her to the toilet as she really needs to go and then when we get to the toilet she just wants to play with the child seat. She isn't like this with her mother.

1. She walked up to me after my wife had let me use her mobile phone, grabbed the phone from my hands in the middle of a call and said "That's mum's phone" and then walked off with the phone still active and gave it to her mother.

And other general disobedient and disrespectful behaviors.

What should I do in cases like theses?
Any Advice would be greatly appreciated.

She sounds like a normal, pretty smart and polite 3 year old.

Your use of the word "disrespectful" made me very concerned about what you expect from her and how you're treating her.

Why on earth should she respect a total stranger? Especially if you've come in, disrupted her life and made new rules.

In my experience the people who bang on about respect are the ones who show none to those around them.

First of all - Good for you for asking for help, better than good, AMAZING. It's so hard, especially for men (I'm assuming you're a man, forgive me if you're not). A lot of people in your position would choose not to see a problem or if they did, to ignore it. Your willingness to try different ways is commendable. Second - you sound genuinely remorseful about your past and that also shows courage and a willingness to work on yourself. Third - parenting is hard, really hard, and you need to be constantly changing your game because what worked before has to change as they grow. You sound as if this is your first parenting experience and you only started in late July so it must feel like getting dropped into a game where you don't know the rules. It is and you don't. Four - at 3 years old there is no such thing as bad behaviour, there is just poor parenting, and that's great because you're the parent so you can change the parenting style. Three year olds need endless patience and you will need to meet your daughter where she's at, not expect her to meet you where you're at. Chill, don't lose your cool, and watch a lot of SuperNanny on YouTube for tips. Talk to your daughter a lot even if it's just bibble babble, talk about what she's watching and what she likes to eat and which are her favourite t-shirts, take an interest in her and her perspective and she will soon let you in. And by the way, she has clearly got some of your gumption, because she was prepared to stand up for her mum (taking the phone off you) against somebody much bigger than her, which is pretty awesome.

Your title has really grated on me but then reading your OP that this is about a 3 year old, I just feel annoyed now. I hope the fact that you've posted here means that there are good intentions somewhere, but try to question the behaviour of the adults in that little girl's life and why she might be reacting the way she does.
Also, read mathanxiety's post, and then read it again and again, print it, pin in to your fridge, and keep reading it until it sinks in.

OP, well done for coming on here to ask advice.

Being released from prison is scary and when you have been imagining how lovely it will be to be back with your family, and then it turns out not to be so lovely, it's easy to get frustrated.

Try and see your child's point of view:

This bloke turns up who she is expected to love and obey. She doesn't love you (yet) in the same way as she loves her mother. Mum has been there for her without fail. She will be wondering (subconsciously probably) whether you are staying for good or not.

You sleep (I assume) in the marital bed. A place a safety for many children when try are sick, sad or upset at night. Suddenly you are there, and not (yet) a trusted person.

She now shares her mother's day to day affection with you. She is no longer the complete focus for her mum. You are there with needs, rights, demands.

She is figuring it out, quite apart from working out normal 3 year old things (like finding out how far she can push her limits). Obedience and Respect are not appropriate expectations for a 3 year old.

Try to be patient and kind. Above all, speak with your wife and find a joint approach.

Good luck, it is clear you care and want to get it right.

I'm not sure that OP does care. I'm concerned that this is all about OP and not the child. You've been in this child's world only a few weeks.

You have 3 years to make up for - children sense a lot and I expect this toddler has some understanding of why you've been away too

You can't expect instant trust - in fact I'm proud of your daughter for being strong willed and already having personal boundaries.

Her behaviour is fine, by and large. Yours, I'm more worried about. Don't use the word 'disrespectful' when talking about a three year into whose life you have parachuted . . . er, the month before last.
Definitely make some enquiries about parenting courses, and get some literature. There may be a Sure Start centre near you.
I can only imagine it's rough, coming out of prison, so well done for trying to forge a family life. Don't expect to be the Waltons in six weeks, though. It's going to take time.

Did she visit you in prison?

You expect her to be the same with you as she is with her mother who's brought her up for 3 years? Pfft. You need to earn her trust, of course she doesn't want you giving her a bath!!

1. Don’t give her what she wants until she asks nicely. Ignore any tantrums.

1. Let mum do washing etc till she’s more comfortable with you.

1. Tell her toilets seats are dirty and she isn’t allowed to mess with it. If she continues remove her from the situation.

1. When she is rude say in a stern but not aggressive tone. ‘That was rude, we use kind words’ or equivalent.

Kids appreciate boundaries and it won’t damage your relationship if you don’t let her get away with her bad behaviour. However she doesn’t sound ‘bad’ just a normal 3 year old.

Stop looking at this from your POV and start looking at it from hers. You’re an adult. She’s a little, tiny person with very limited experience. Not much more than a baby. Your job right now is to get your dd to trust and accept you. Stop catastrophizing. This is all very normal. She’s trying to figure you out. Let her have her own boundaries and come to you when she’s ready and withdraw when she needs to. If you don’t, she will never trust you.

Oh dear, you don't seem to know much about young kids! You being away and so a stranger to her added to your lack of understsnding of children's development is going to do no good.

Maybe taking parenting classes would help?

Some good advice has been given above.

It sounds like a normal, 3 year old behaviour which can be very frustrating and I would imagine, quite confusing if it's something that you are not used to and have not seen develop over time.

Your daughters life has had a huge change by you coming back home, she will now have to share her attention with her Mum and so it would be completely normal for her to show her frustration with this in different ways. (Which May seem 'naughty' but it's her way of expressing herself/learning).

I would suggest spending time with her reading books, colouring etc to start to build up a bond, but taking it slowly. She will then be more used to having someone else being around and then in turn be ready to let you parent her.

What was your relationship like with your parents? My father was raised by a neglectful, drunken bully and he had strong ideas about discipline. My mother's family was totally different and she never let him get away with his odd ideas. I was a lot closer to my mother than my father. I guess what I am trying to say is that I suspect you're not particularly close to your father but are still trying to parent the way he did.

I agree that a parenting course would be an excellent idea.

You are a stranger to this child, she's probably anxious about the sudden change and confused about having to share her Mum.

At 3 she can't be disrespectful. She can be scared, confused, angry and/or mistrustful of both of you because of a massive change you see to be expecting her to cope with. You need to very slowly build a relationship where she trusts you.

Did she see you in prison? I'm sure there are resources out there to support children through this, have you accessed any?

She isn't like this with her mother

And other general disobedient and disrespectful behaviors.

Are you for real?! You were in prison and you are a stranger to her. July is 5 minutes ago. The way you speak about your THREE year old daughter and the terms you use are a great big fuck off red flag to me. You sound like you are a bully.

If I were your wife you wouldn't be allowed back in. Care to tell us all what you went to prison for?

All completely normal three year old behaviour. Your expectations are way too high and it's very worrying how you expect such a young child to just obey you. Let me guess, you were in prison for violence? You need to get help with your parenting skills

She is 3 - a large baby. Everything you describe is normal, even if you had a normal parenting relationship with your daughter.

Seek out a parenting course - your health visitor may be able to advise. It might be online right now. Or try looking at Hand In Hand parenting.

Contact PACT www.prisonadvice.org.uk They may have some info specific to your situation.

Right now your daughter's world has been turned upside down. She can't sit you or her mum down for a chat about it, so any upset or confusion will come out in other ways. She doesn't owe you respect or a relationship, or really understand these concepts. But you can have these things, and so much more, if you are patient, kind, assume the best of her, pick your battles, praise her, don't linger on the "bad" stuff, and are gentle in setting any boundaries. Good luck.

There are some parts of your post that I agree with, and some that I disagree with, @FeministEndorsingWomensSpaces

Four - at 3 years old there is no such thing as bad behaviour, there is just poor parenting, and that's great because you're the parent so you can change the parenting style.

There is no such thing as bad behaviour, indeed.
But when you are the recently arrived parent who has not been there for a child's entire life, you do not try to change the parenting style that has developed. You take your lead from the mother, you do not argue with her, challenge her, or criticise her on her parenting decisions.
No individual parent can unilaterally change the parenting style.
You can change your own style and your expectations. But do not try to change anyone else's.

Three year olds need endless patience and you will need to meet your daughter where she's at, not expect her to meet you where you're at. Chill, don't lose your cool, and watch a lot of SuperNanny on YouTube for tips.

Yes to the patience and meeting your daughter where she is, not from the pov of your expectations.
No to watching Supernanny and putting tips from her into action. Parenting is a collaborative venture - if it is not collaborative then it will cause damage to the child and to the relationship with the other parent.
Do NOT jump in and try to change things, no matter how well-intentioned you are feeling.
Your wife/partner has been parenting alone for three years and you need to respect that by taking your cues from her. As time goes on and after you have made the effort to learn about normal child development and given various parenting styles a lot of thought, you and the child's mother can talk quietly together about how to deal with various issues that come up. You have to be partners in this, and for now you are the junior partner.

And other general disobedient and disrespectful behaviors.

Really? She’s 3 and you rocked up a little over a month ago, so you are basically a stranger. I have a 3 year old, there is nothing you describe that doesn’t sound normal for a 3 year old and I’d describe my child as a well behaved child.

I think it’s you that needs to go away and learn about what is normal and not for this age and try to see this from the perspective of the child, it’s a little odd describing a 3 year old as disrespectful. You are expecting her to be the same with you a total stranger in her eyes as her mother? Well of course she isn’t going to be! The child is doing nothing wrong. I think it’s your own behaviour and expectations that need to be looked at, not the child’s.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with her behaviour, it's all totally normal for a 3 year old.

You in effect are a complete stranger to her and YOU need to adapt your thinking and build up her trust and be very kind to her.

This will take a long long time.

I am very surprised that you honestly think that after only 6 weeks she should accept you and trust you.

This will take a long time, and is entirely down to you for being away for such a long time.

It's very worrying that you don't already realise this aleady?!!

And other general disobedient and disrespectful behaviors.

None of the things you’ve mentioned are disobedient or disrespectful.

Why do you think she should be respectful to you particularly? She doesn’t know you from Adam, you abandoned her in her infancy.

You have to work to develop a relationship with your child. You don’t have the right to appear and demand respect and “obedience” from her just because you are her biological father. Sorry but cop on to yourself.

@MamaSloth

Your daughter is 3 and is confused about why you're now living with her and is figuring out what sort of parent you're going to be. You wrote her behaviour is really bad but I reckon yours must be worse if you've just spent 3 years in the Big House.

The number ONE rule of parenting is:

Don't take anything the child does or says personally.

If you find yourself taking her behaviour and attitude toward you as a personal insult (this is indicated by your expectation of respect and obedience) then you need to step right back, and maybe sort out another place to live for a while until you have learned more about parenting.

It's a short hop from taking speech and behaviour of a child personally to raising a hand to her or shouting with the intent to frighten.

The temptation to take the short cut to something that passes for 'respect' and to bypass the work needed to establish trust can be very strong.

Don't be that man.

You need to read some parenting books to understand toddler psyche. Once you understand them they are much easier to deal with. “How to talk so little kids will listen” is a good place to start.

It sounds like your wife has done an amazing job in your absence, it couldn't have been easy. As has been said, her behaviour sounds pretty standard for a 3 year old, and it's actually good that she is seemingly waiting until she is comfortable to bathe etc in front of you. To her you are a stranger, she will likely understand the concept of a father, but you have to build a relationship, and not to expect to be able to waltz in and have the same relationship her mum has built with her in 3 years. Take it slow, ask for advice as you have, and understand it's going to take time, it's a huge adjustment for her as it is for you.