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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist on swap?

118 replies

yetanothernamechange12 · 12/09/2020 23:44

Very sorry for lengthy post...

DD 15 has had bedroom on top floor of our 3 storey home for last 8 years. It is a good size but only has a velux window so view is of the sky only.

DS has the other bedroom on top floor and is about to leave for uni. DD has asked if she can swap bedrooms with DSD so she will be on the middle floor with me and DH (DH is her DSF) as she feels anxious about being on the top floor alone. This is a slightly smaller room and will be tricky to fit all her things in.

I pointed out the negatives for the move and that DSD might not be happy to swap but I can see the positives, it will be easier to check in on her (she has had mental health issues/self harmed in the past). The room has the best view in the house so I think this alone would help improve her mood. Having her on the top floor has felt like she is detached from the rest of the family as it's more of an effort for her to come downstairs so she doesn't bother unless she has too.

I suggested she ask DH first but was shocked when his immediate answer was no. He did not ask her why? Just a flat no. DD asked DSD directly (via text) and also got a flat no.

I discussed the issue with DH later when we were alone. Explained reasons why DD wants to swap and reasons why I think it will be in her best interests. I suggested to him that he should have discussed it with me before giving an answer and at least first ask DD why she wanted to swap. He admitted he handled it badly. He promised he would tell DSD reasons why she should agree to swap, appeal to her better nature and hope she would agree but ultimately he would tell her that the swap was going ahead.

So as not to drip feed, I will say now that DSD has not visited since lockdown and has only stayed two nights in the last 12 months. She is almost 18 so these infrequent visits are unlikely to change.

DH talked to DSD today. He explained situation but gave her the choice to still say no. 🤷‍♀️ He has arrived home and tells me if I force the swap he thinks DSD will never visit again. It feels like he is laying the blame for lack of future visits at my door when she has basically already stopped.

I am so upset that he has resorted to emotional blackmail to win the argument when I feel he should have backed me up on this. He got angry and told me to stop slagging his daughter off. I didn’t! I told him I felt she was being selfish. Now he is saying her actual words were if she had a choice she would not move. Not a flat no after all. He says he told her regardless of her response I would do what I wanted to do, which I feel casts me in the roll of wicked SM. I am very upset that DSD has not visited over the past year. I have always welcomed her, always wanted to spend time together with her and DSS as a family but because her DM is jealous (whole other thread) DH has limited family time with us all together. As much as I would have loved for things to be different they are what they are. If I insist on the move I will feel guilty that DSD might never visit again and I am worried how this affects our relationship going forward. On the other hand, it is in my daughter’s best interests to move rooms. Am I being unreasonable to insist on the swap? Also am I being unreasonable to be upset with DH over the way he has handled this?

OP posts:
Mixedandproud · 12/09/2020 23:47

YANBU - For all the reasons you have explained.

CastleCrasher · 12/09/2020 23:49

The people who live in the house should be prioritised for the bedrooms, especially as dsd is an adult who rarely visits. That said, it's been handled really badly so far and pressing ahead is likely to cause even more upset. Could you swap with DD, or deal with DS so you're on same floor as DD?

Gooseysgirl · 12/09/2020 23:50

YANBU

SillyCow6 · 12/09/2020 23:52

YANBU it's a tricky one to navigate but you need to prioritise your dd esp as she has self harmed etc

HirplesWithHaggis · 12/09/2020 23:53

Make the swap, don't tell DSD, see how long it takes her to turn up and want to use it.

Floralnomad · 12/09/2020 23:53

YANBU and it really sounds like your husband has gone out of his way to make the whole situation worse .

Smallsteps88 · 12/09/2020 23:54

Usually I’d say it’s DSDs choice but in this case I think it’s a parental decision and your DD really needs to be on the same floor as you. Your DH is being totally unreasonable.

Totickleamockingbird · 12/09/2020 23:55

It’s a no-brainier. Do the swap. Your DH is acting like a twat.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/09/2020 23:57

Dsd sounds ideal a total spoilt brat. Shes 18 and has only visited twice in the last year but wants to dictate what room a permanent resident of the house, who is 3 years younger than her, suffers with mental health and is anxious about being alone. I would be moving my dd into the room on the same floor as me and telling them all to get over it.

PinotMa · 12/09/2020 23:58

YANBU. Poor you being stuck in the middle like this. I think you should have a calm conversation with the DSD and also with your DH. Hear him out and let him vent before calmly positioning your point of view and feelings - but don't use blame language. Ultimately your DD's wellbeing HAS to be the priority though, and I would say this to DSD and DH. It's a matter of maintaining her mental health. Full stop.

Original poster
yetanothernamechange12 · 12/09/2020 23:59

Thank you all so much for such quick responses. Honestly was beginning to doubt myself. Helps to know IANBU. Wish I could show DH my thread but dare not. He is going to ask his mum's opinion as "an uninterested third party". Says it all really!

OP posts:
RandomNameForRandomThreads · 13/09/2020 00:00

I agree with Hirples. Swap the rooms.

If dsd decides to come and stay for a night dd can move upstairs for one night, that way she hasn't "stolen" dsd's room.

There is no way she can complain - her room is still there on the rare occasions she wants it.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 13/09/2020 00:00

Good god, running to his mummy when things haven't gone his way 🙄

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 13/09/2020 00:02

If my DH acted like that there would be an easy solution for me.

MY bedroom would be upstairs next to my daughter's room now. DH can do what the fuck he likes, pandering to a person who has barely set foot in the house you jointly own in well over a year? Screw that.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/09/2020 00:03

Given her actual words of if she has to she will, can you contact DSD directly and thank her for being willing to swap even right it isn't her first choice, that you really appreciate her being willing to help her step sister and suggest she comes over to help choose some new bits for her room as it's bigger / different layout?

That way she gets the praise and doesn't just turn up one day to find you've rearranged her stuff.

Yanbu by the way to do the move

Original poster
yetanothernamechange12 · 13/09/2020 00:04

@CastleCrasher

The people who live in the house should be prioritised for the bedrooms, especially as dsd is an adult who rarely visits. That said, it's been handled really badly so far and pressing ahead is likely to cause even more upset. Could you swap with DD, or deal with DS so you're on same floor as DD?
We have a large bedroom with dressing room and en-suite so not an option for us to swap with DS's very small double though I must admit that would be a way around it if rooms had been of more equal size.
OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 13/09/2020 00:05

Also, could a compromise be a choice of either top room and potentially move DS into DDs room as he's off at Uni?

Doggybiccys · 13/09/2020 00:06

My head hurts just reading this but if I am understanding correctly, your DDs request should take priority. That said, I can see why your DH doesn’t want to alienate his daughter to the extent that she may never stay over again. He probably doesn’t want to acknowledge she never visits as he would be acknowledging rejection.

Ariela · 13/09/2020 00:06

I'd make the swap regardless. DSD might not turn up for a fair while, but I'd tell DD it is on the understanding that in the unlikely event DSD does want to stay that she will have to decamp to the top floor for the night should DSD decide she doesn't want to sleep on the top floor, but that you're really not expecting that to happen.

I'd re-decorate and make the bedroom in the loft extra nice with new duvet, curtains, cushions rugs etc etc as a spare room generally, so if DSD did turn up to stay she could barely complain if it looks really nice, and is more spacious.

Original poster
yetanothernamechange12 · 13/09/2020 00:07

@SleepingStandingUp

Given her actual words of if she has to she will, can you contact DSD directly and thank her for being willing to swap even right it isn't her first choice, that you really appreciate her being willing to help her step sister and suggest she comes over to help choose some new bits for her room as it's bigger / different layout? That way she gets the praise and doesn't just turn up one day to find you've rearranged her stuff.

Yanbu by the way to do the move

This is a wonderful idea. Thank you so much, this would be a positive way forward. I shall certainly try this.
OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 13/09/2020 00:07

Is it a joint house? Or his? Imnot sure why he thinks his opinion is the only one that counts

nestisflown · 13/09/2020 00:09

He says he told her regardless of her response I would do what I wanted to do

I can’t believe he said this to his daughter. If you’re husband can be trusted not to run his mouth again to his daughter, I would do what a previous poster suggested and swap rooms anyway without telling DSD. In the meantime, I would do DSD’s new room up really nicely Pinterest boho style (like attached pics). And wait to see how long it is before she notices- and if she does notice at least she would have a trendy room for an older teen to sleep in.

To insist on swap?
To insist on swap?
1forAll74 · 13/09/2020 00:15

I couldn't be bothered about all this hassle with people and bedrooms. If people have a bedroom and a bed, that's all that matters. I can't believe that anyone would post about a situation like this.

Original poster
yetanothernamechange12 · 13/09/2020 00:15

@Ariela

I'd make the swap regardless. DSD might not turn up for a fair while, but I'd tell DD it is on the understanding that in the unlikely event DSD does want to stay that she will have to decamp to the top floor for the night should DSD decide she doesn't want to sleep on the top floor, but that you're really not expecting that to happen.

I'd re-decorate and make the bedroom in the loft extra nice with new duvet, curtains, cushions rugs etc etc as a spare room generally, so if DSD did turn up to stay she could barely complain if it looks really nice, and is more spacious.

This is another really good suggestion, thank you.

I had already offered to go halves with DH on a new double bed for DSD (only has a single atm and he had mentioned buying her a new one) and he said he will redecorate for her so we have been thinking of ways to make it more personal to her. I wouldn't imagine DSD would want her old room back if all her things were in the top floor room.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 13/09/2020 00:18

Yanbu and I'm thinking the reason why your dd has mh issues might be in plain sight :(

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