To insist on swap?

[yetanothernamechange12]

Very sorry for lengthy post...

DD 15 has had bedroom on top floor of our 3 storey home for last 8 years. It is a good size but only has a velux window so view is of the sky only.

DS has the other bedroom on top floor and is about to leave for uni. DD has asked if she can swap bedrooms with DSD so she will be on the middle floor with me and DH (DH is her DSF) as she feels anxious about being on the top floor alone. This is a slightly smaller room and will be tricky to fit all her things in.

I pointed out the negatives for the move and that DSD might not be happy to swap but I can see the positives, it will be easier to check in on her (she has had mental health issues/self harmed in the past). The room has the best view in the house so I think this alone would help improve her mood. Having her on the top floor has felt like she is detached from the rest of the family as it's more of an effort for her to come downstairs so she doesn't bother unless she has too.

I suggested she ask DH first but was shocked when his immediate answer was no. He did not ask her why? Just a flat no. DD asked DSD directly (via text) and also got a flat no.

I discussed the issue with DH later when we were alone. Explained reasons why DD wants to swap and reasons why I think it will be in her best interests. I suggested to him that he should have discussed it with me before giving an answer and at least first ask DD why she wanted to swap. He admitted he handled it badly. He promised he would tell DSD reasons why she should agree to swap, appeal to her better nature and hope she would agree but ultimately he would tell her that the swap was going ahead.

So as not to drip feed, I will say now that DSD has not visited since lockdown and has only stayed two nights in the last 12 months. She is almost 18 so these infrequent visits are unlikely to change.

DH talked to DSD today. He explained situation but gave her the choice to still say no. 🤷‍♀️ He has arrived home and tells me if I force the swap he thinks DSD will never visit again. It feels like he is laying the blame for lack of future visits at my door when she has basically already stopped.

I am so upset that he has resorted to emotional blackmail to win the argument when I feel he should have backed me up on this. He got angry and told me to stop slagging his daughter off. I didn’t! I told him I felt she was being selfish. Now he is saying her actual words were if she had a choice she would not move. Not a flat no after all. He says he told her regardless of her response I would do what I wanted to do, which I feel casts me in the roll of wicked SM. I am very upset that DSD has not visited over the past year. I have always welcomed her, always wanted to spend time together with her and DSS as a family but because her DM is jealous (whole other thread) DH has limited family time with us all together. As much as I would have loved for things to be different they are what they are. If I insist on the move I will feel guilty that DSD might never visit again and I am worried how this affects our relationship going forward. On the other hand, it is in my daughter’s best interests to move rooms. Am I being unreasonable to insist on the swap? Also am I being unreasonable to be upset with DH over the way he has handled this?

DH has a lot of opinions on it when it's a joint house. I'm surprised if your equity covered the bigger share he thinks this way too. I hope you had some way to protect your interests financially if things don't work out.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Dsd sounds ideal a total spoilt brat. Shes 18 and has only visited twice in the last year but wants to dictate what room a permanent resident of the house, who is 3 years younger than her, suffers with mental health and is anxious about being alone. I would be moving my dd into the room on the same floor as me and telling them all to get over it.

It is not in DSD's nature to behave like a spoilt brat. I am wondering whether DH is being totally honest with me about their conversations. He originally said after discussing it with her today she still did not want to move. It was only when I questioned him further that he admitted that she actually said if she had a choice she would not move. I asked if he had explained the reasons behind the move so that she would understand and he said he did not remind her about DD's MH issues. I asked if he told her that he agreed with the necessity for the move. He would only say that he understood my reasons. He has refused to agree with the actual move.

My problem with DH is that he has handled it badly, has not backed me up or given me his blessing to go ahead because he doesn't want to do anything that might seem to be siding with me and DD over DSD. He cannot understand why I feel in these particular circumstances he is being selfish and unreasonable.

The bottom line is that your dd lives there full time and needs to be downstairs v DSD who is never there. The rooms need to be swapped but the upstairs room does need to be made nice so it is appealing to DSD and she doesn't feel sidelined.

@SleepingStandingUp

Also, could a compromise be a choice of either top room and potentially move DS into DDs room as he's off at Uni?

DS's room is smaller than both DSD's room and DD's.

My brother swapped rooms when we were kids as he lived full time at my dads and I didn't, they didn't even ask me, told me it wa because he lived there full time - not and issue ... tour DSD is being bratty

I may have missed who is in the 5th bedroom and is that an option for a swap.

Ultimately I agree that your DD should be able to move to the better room for her needs. Your DSD isn’t using the room often and will be unlikely to start using it more if she is going to be off to uni soon.
If you are willing to redecorate the room to her taste then it may make the switch more appealing to her. Either way let your daughter switch rooms

[quote Cassilis]@1forAll74

I couldn't be bothered about all this hassle with people and bedrooms. If people have a bedroom and a bed, that's all that matters. I can't believe that anyone would post about a situation like this

Can you see past the end of your own nose? I had terrible nightmares from childhood (age 6) well into adulthood, including sleepwalking. I would have hated sleeping on the third floor without anyone else.[/quote]
I was terrified of going upstairs as a child when it was dark and although I got over that before my teens I would check the wardrobes and under my bed until late teens so perhaps I have more empathy than DH who spent his entire childhood living in a bungalow!

Sorry am confused now. Dss room is smaller than DDs and dsds but is DDs room smaller than dsds?

@Rtmhwales

DH has a lot of opinions on it when it's a joint house. I'm surprised if your equity covered the bigger share he thinks this way too. I hope you had some way to protect your interests financially if things don't work out.

I don't know that having a bigger share in the equity equals a greater say in the home. It's a marriage after all and decisions should be made together. DH has acted as though he owned the whole house in the first instance and is forcing me to act the same way by going against his wishes because he is too stubborn to back down.

What I don’t understand is this. If you discussed it with DD first then why did you suggest she talked to DH? It would be better in future to discuss it with DH yourself. Maybe he feels like you and your DD are making decisions that you and he should be making. It sounds like he got on the wrong foot at the start. Maybe start by apologising to him for this and then see if you can move on from there.

Is it ironic that I cannot sleep so have decamped to the sofa when there are two empty beds on the middle floor?

@Applesandpears23

What I don’t understand is this. If you discussed it with DD first then why did you suggest she talked to DH? It would be better in future to discuss it with DH yourself. Maybe he feels like you and your DD are making decisions that you and he should be making. It sounds like he got on the wrong foot at the start. Maybe start by apologising to him for this and then see if you can move on from there.

Have kicked myself for not getting in first and discussing it with DH. He and DD get along well so I felt I didn't need to advocate for her, if she felt strongly enough about moving I felt she should explain it herself. I did not for one second expect DH to make an instant unilateral decision. If I had done the same and not discussed it with him DD would have been installed in DSD's bedroom with all her own furniture before he even got home from work

@Oncemorewithfeelin

I may have missed who is in the 5th bedroom and is that an option for a swap.

Ultimately I agree that your DD should be able to move to the better room for her needs. Your DSD isn’t using the room often and will be unlikely to start using it more if she is going to be off to uni soon.
If you are willing to redecorate the room to her taste then it may make the switch more appealing to her. Either way let your daughter switch rooms

DD's room is bigger than DSD so DSD will be getting a bigger room if she moves.

DD's room = 2nd bedroom
DSD's room is 3rd bedroom
DS's room is 4th bedroom
DSS's room is 5th bedroom

So is that in size order? So DSSs is the smallest?

I'm getting the impression that the 18yo DSD that doesn't even live with you, cares far less about this than your DH.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Dsd sounds ideal a total spoilt brat. Shes 18 and has only visited twice in the last year but wants to dictate what room a permanent resident of the house, who is 3 years younger than her, suffers with mental health and is anxious about being alone. I would be moving my dd into the room on the same floor as me and telling them all to get over it.

People who live in the house full time trump people who visit occasionally. Therefore your DD gets the room on the same floor as you. Obviously it would be different if DSD lived with you full time & she would keep the room she was currently in.

Your DH should consider himself lucky that he can give his own biological children a room of their own.
When my DStep-Sis stayed over she had a z-bed in my room. (Though we would swap beds in the night as I preferred the z-bed as it was more exciting - yes I was a strange child )

@wixx

I think we need your partners reasons for his side. I do agree with OP but we shouldn't discount his views. He might just need a bit of time and gentle persuasion to see that it's the right thing to do x

His only reason is that DSD would not want to move if she had a choice. I have asked him to give further reasons and he has said he cannot go back on his word (he told DSD it's her room and she does not have to move if she doesn't want to).

@Bahhhhhumbug

So is that in size order? So DSSs is the smallest?

Yes, that's correct, size order.

I just had a slightly bigger bedroom and when I left for univ, my sister was putting things in my old room before I even finished packing. I was perfectly fine in the smaller room on breaks.

@KnobblyWand

I'm getting the impression that the 18yo DSD that doesn't even live with you, cares far less about this than your DH.

This is my thinking too because, let's face it, why would she be particularly bothered for two nights a year? She is fortunate to have her own room and not be sharing.

@Terrace58

I just had a slightly bigger bedroom and when I left for univ, my sister was putting things in my old room before I even finished packing. I was perfectly fine in the smaller room on breaks.

My DSis did this the second my DB went to uni, moving back to our shared bedroom every time he came home.

I can see why your dad has MH issues. Doesn't seem her Dsd liked her very much. No respect for either of you. Well done

@TheGirlWithAPrince

I can see why your dad has MH issues. Doesn't seem her Dsd liked her very much. No respect for either of you. Well done

They got on really well for a time, spent so many weekends together. They have become a little distant over the past year with DSD not visiting. DH tells me this week DD has blocked DSD from seeing her social media accounts. Bit disappointed with her for this as it adds another negative to the situation. We are only hearing DH's account of what DSD has said and he has form for projecting so I'm not sure DD is being fair to DSD especially as DH failed to mention all reasons why the swap should happen.

he doesn't want to do anything that might seem to be siding with me and DD over DSD.

Is this the key to it OP? Is it stemming from guilt he feels about the break-up of his first family? Not fair that your DD has to suffer as a result.

@Terrace58

I just had a slightly bigger bedroom and when I left for univ, my sister was putting things in my old room before I even finished packing. I was perfectly fine in the smaller room on breaks.

This is what my DD is plotting!