To insist on swap?

[yetanothernamechange12]

Very sorry for lengthy post...

DD 15 has had bedroom on top floor of our 3 storey home for last 8 years. It is a good size but only has a velux window so view is of the sky only.

DS has the other bedroom on top floor and is about to leave for uni. DD has asked if she can swap bedrooms with DSD so she will be on the middle floor with me and DH (DH is her DSF) as she feels anxious about being on the top floor alone. This is a slightly smaller room and will be tricky to fit all her things in.

I pointed out the negatives for the move and that DSD might not be happy to swap but I can see the positives, it will be easier to check in on her (she has had mental health issues/self harmed in the past). The room has the best view in the house so I think this alone would help improve her mood. Having her on the top floor has felt like she is detached from the rest of the family as it's more of an effort for her to come downstairs so she doesn't bother unless she has too.

I suggested she ask DH first but was shocked when his immediate answer was no. He did not ask her why? Just a flat no. DD asked DSD directly (via text) and also got a flat no.

I discussed the issue with DH later when we were alone. Explained reasons why DD wants to swap and reasons why I think it will be in her best interests. I suggested to him that he should have discussed it with me before giving an answer and at least first ask DD why she wanted to swap. He admitted he handled it badly. He promised he would tell DSD reasons why she should agree to swap, appeal to her better nature and hope she would agree but ultimately he would tell her that the swap was going ahead.

So as not to drip feed, I will say now that DSD has not visited since lockdown and has only stayed two nights in the last 12 months. She is almost 18 so these infrequent visits are unlikely to change.

DH talked to DSD today. He explained situation but gave her the choice to still say no. 🤷‍♀️ He has arrived home and tells me if I force the swap he thinks DSD will never visit again. It feels like he is laying the blame for lack of future visits at my door when she has basically already stopped.

I am so upset that he has resorted to emotional blackmail to win the argument when I feel he should have backed me up on this. He got angry and told me to stop slagging his daughter off. I didn’t! I told him I felt she was being selfish. Now he is saying her actual words were if she had a choice she would not move. Not a flat no after all. He says he told her regardless of her response I would do what I wanted to do, which I feel casts me in the roll of wicked SM. I am very upset that DSD has not visited over the past year. I have always welcomed her, always wanted to spend time together with her and DSS as a family but because her DM is jealous (whole other thread) DH has limited family time with us all together. As much as I would have loved for things to be different they are what they are. If I insist on the move I will feel guilty that DSD might never visit again and I am worried how this affects our relationship going forward. On the other hand, it is in my daughter’s best interests to move rooms. Am I being unreasonable to insist on the swap? Also am I being unreasonable to be upset with DH over the way he has handled this?

I think it would be weird to expect your DSD to sleep in your daughter's bed amongst all your daughter's things and your daughter go upstairs and sleep amongst your step daughters. It's like one of those empty threats to kids. If you don't like it, then do X knowing that X isnt reasonable

@1forAll74

I couldn't be bothered about all this hassle with people and bedrooms. If people have a bedroom and a bed, that's all that matters. I can't believe that anyone would post about a situation like this.

But I am very bothered which is clearly why I did post.. Please feel free to scroll on...

@1forAll74
I couldn't be bothered about all this hassle with people and bedrooms. If people have a bedroom and a bed, that's all that matters. I can't believe that anyone would post about a situation like this.

Ops daughter has poor MH which is likely, by her own admission, to be made worse by being on the top floor alone, bit you think she should be told tough luck, you've got a bedroom, I don't care how you feel? Jeez I hope your kids don't suffer from poor MH cos you CLEARY don't get it

@SleepingStandingUp

I think it would be weird to expect your DSD to sleep in your daughter's bed amongst all your daughter's things and your daughter go upstairs and sleep amongst your step daughters. It's like one of those empty threats to kids. If you don't like it, then do X knowing that X isnt reasonable

You are right...I don't think it will be necessary to make the offer to swap back for DSD visits.

I would do the swap and say that it’s for DDs mental health which has been up and down. You want to make DSDs new bedroom nice and feel like her own space. could she choose

The duvet cover and a few other items to make the place cosy

I think we need your partners reasons for his side. I do agree with OP but we shouldn't discount his views. He might just need a bit of time and gentle persuasion to see that it's the right thing to do x

@ChesterDrawsDoesntExist

If my DH acted like that there would be an easy solution for me.

MY bedroom would be upstairs next to my daughter's room now. DH can do what the fuck he likes, pandering to a person who has barely set foot in the house you jointly own in well over a year? Screw that.

Hope it doesn't come to that but it did make me laugh. DS's room also only has a velux window which I find really depressing. He actually likes it but DD just wishes she had a windowsill and a proper view. Honestly wish we had not bought a three storey house, if all bedrooms were on the same floor we wouldn't have this problem!

I think your DH is probably hurt his dd hasn't been to visit and this has touched a nerve.

Perhaps it would be a good time to remind him most young women her age aren't that interested in the boring old parents, but that she will grow out of that and suggest a few ways he could show her he's still there and loves her.

But I'd also definitely swap the rooms!

@slipperywhensparticus

Is it a joint house? Or his? Imnot sure why he thinks his opinion is the only one that counts

We bought the house together mostly with my equity. He was renting a 2 bed house before we moved in together. I sold my 4 bed so we could buy the 5 bed so all children could have a room of their own.

He accused me of making decisions regardless of his opinion. He could not see the hypocrisy of this when he had already refused the swap without discussing it with anybody, not even his own DD. This should not have been a stressful situation and I do feel very disappointed with the way he has handled it. I was expecting him to put the situation right but he does not want to be seen as the bad guy to DSD but this has made me think so much less of him for not putting my DD's welfare first.

He's not behaving well but dynamics with step children can be hard. Thanks s DD his daughter? (Sorry if I missed that)? I think YANBU but I do remember being very emotionally attached to my room when I went to college and having it was a symbol there was still a place in the family for me. (Parents divorced, younger half sisters on one side and a younger step brother on the other).

This may seem drastic but could it be time to move house? Sounds like you're on the brink of needing to downsize anyway and the three floors are annoying you. It would remove the personal element and you could have a lovely guest room for whoever comes to stay.

'Is' not 'thanks s' autocorrect 🤦‍♀️

Where's the 5th room located and who sleeps there?

@madroid

I think your DH is probably hurt his dd hasn't been to visit and this has touched a nerve.

Perhaps it would be a good time to remind him most young women her age aren't that interested in the boring old parents, but that she will grow out of that and suggest a few ways he could show her he's still there and loves her.

It is a very touchy subject with him. She is happy to spend some time with him but does not want to stay overnight at the house (she has not said why but having to get up earlier than she would like to go back home/would rather see her friends or perhaps just feels at aged almost 18 she is past doing sleepovers here. He blames her not coming on COVID-19 and if I gently point out that she had not stayed for some months prior to COVID and it is her choice to not stay but perhaps it is convenient to use that as her reason, he gets very defensive.

I don't see any reason why someone who does not live there, should have their choice of room. If DSD visits infrequently, then she should feel fortunate to have an allocated room at all. DD who lives there full-time, should be able to enjoy the benefits of the room on a daily basis.

YANBU. Some great ideas here from PPs as to how to smooth it over with DSD. Your DD must take priority in all this though.

YANBU !

@Aria999

He's not behaving well but dynamics with step children can be hard. Thanks s DD his daughter? (Sorry if I missed that)? I think YANBU but I do remember being very emotionally attached to my room when I went to college and having it was a symbol there was still a place in the family for me. (Parents divorced, younger half sisters on one side and a younger step brother on the other).

This may seem drastic but could it be time to move house? Sounds like you're on the brink of needing to downsize anyway and the three floors are annoying you. It would remove the personal element and you could have a lovely guest room for whoever comes to stay.

No, DD is not his daughter. When the bedroom issue first arose I suggested moving house as that would solve the problem as DD would get the first choice of 2nd bedroom being the only resident child. BUT we are not ready to downsize yet as we would them to have a room each at least until they are all out of uni. Moving house now would mean buying one with the same number of bedrooms then having to move to downsize again at a later date. DH will not consider it, laughed at me when I put it forward as an idea.

Absolutely let your DD pick the room she wants. She is a resident child. That's it.
18 yo DSD is not a child, not a resident and not visiting.
By all means suggest treating her with a new bed, but it is ridiculous your DH she should be asked for permission

Way too much discussion of things. You are the parents. You make the decision about who sleeps where (for which you are likely to have good reason, which you do) in the house that you own. If you don't have a preference then the people who don't own the home or pay the bills get a choice. You've made a rod for your own back there by consulting.

Given your very good reasons for wanting your daughter in DSD's bedroom though, regardless of the poor handling so far, I would just move the rooms.

YANBU. Your SD is off to uni. Who knows when she'll go home to visit. Your daughter should get the room as she lives in the house.

I wouldn't pander to the DSD. I mean make her bedroom homely. But dont do too much or youll have the situation where she takes the stuff back to her uni accommodation.

Your DH sounds a bit of a knob. I hope you protected your deposit, OP.

Sounds like he was hoping he would say no to DD and she wouldn’t tell you. Is he a bit sly?

@1forAll74

I couldn't be bothered about all this hassle with people and bedrooms. If people have a bedroom and a bed, that's all that matters. I can't believe that anyone would post about a situation like this

Can you see past the end of your own nose? I had terrible nightmares from childhood (age 6) well into adulthood, including sleepwalking. I would have hated sleeping on the third floor without anyone else.

How come his DC get the best rooms with proper view etc and your dc get stuck in the attic with the velux windows only. Also is DSDs bedroom bigger. I'm presuming you have two dc each as you got a five bedroom house so each child could have own room. Sounds like he's favouring his own dc and yours are second class citizens.