To insist on swap?

[yetanothernamechange12]

Very sorry for lengthy post...

DD 15 has had bedroom on top floor of our 3 storey home for last 8 years. It is a good size but only has a velux window so view is of the sky only.

DS has the other bedroom on top floor and is about to leave for uni. DD has asked if she can swap bedrooms with DSD so she will be on the middle floor with me and DH (DH is her DSF) as she feels anxious about being on the top floor alone. This is a slightly smaller room and will be tricky to fit all her things in.

I pointed out the negatives for the move and that DSD might not be happy to swap but I can see the positives, it will be easier to check in on her (she has had mental health issues/self harmed in the past). The room has the best view in the house so I think this alone would help improve her mood. Having her on the top floor has felt like she is detached from the rest of the family as it's more of an effort for her to come downstairs so she doesn't bother unless she has too.

I suggested she ask DH first but was shocked when his immediate answer was no. He did not ask her why? Just a flat no. DD asked DSD directly (via text) and also got a flat no.

I discussed the issue with DH later when we were alone. Explained reasons why DD wants to swap and reasons why I think it will be in her best interests. I suggested to him that he should have discussed it with me before giving an answer and at least first ask DD why she wanted to swap. He admitted he handled it badly. He promised he would tell DSD reasons why she should agree to swap, appeal to her better nature and hope she would agree but ultimately he would tell her that the swap was going ahead.

So as not to drip feed, I will say now that DSD has not visited since lockdown and has only stayed two nights in the last 12 months. She is almost 18 so these infrequent visits are unlikely to change.

DH talked to DSD today. He explained situation but gave her the choice to still say no. 🤷‍♀️ He has arrived home and tells me if I force the swap he thinks DSD will never visit again. It feels like he is laying the blame for lack of future visits at my door when she has basically already stopped.

I am so upset that he has resorted to emotional blackmail to win the argument when I feel he should have backed me up on this. He got angry and told me to stop slagging his daughter off. I didn’t! I told him I felt she was being selfish. Now he is saying her actual words were if she had a choice she would not move. Not a flat no after all. He says he told her regardless of her response I would do what I wanted to do, which I feel casts me in the roll of wicked SM. I am very upset that DSD has not visited over the past year. I have always welcomed her, always wanted to spend time together with her and DSS as a family but because her DM is jealous (whole other thread) DH has limited family time with us all together. As much as I would have loved for things to be different they are what they are. If I insist on the move I will feel guilty that DSD might never visit again and I am worried how this affects our relationship going forward. On the other hand, it is in my daughter’s best interests to move rooms. Am I being unreasonable to insist on the swap? Also am I being unreasonable to be upset with DH over the way he has handled this?

YANBU. Your daughter lives their 100% of her time. She should take priority over a near 28 year old who has a ‘room’ elsewhere and only visited twice in the last year.

Your DH sounds a bit of a knob. I hope you protected your deposit, OP.

Agree with this.

Your DH needs to realise his daughter doesn't want to slot into her dad's family life for sleepovers as an adult, she probably wants either some independent distance or some meaningful contact with him and that is more likely to mean him putting himself out to be in contact or take her out.

Your DH is being a right shit stirrer. Your daughter should get the best room, being the only one actually living there. Arrange with step daughter to pick a new double bed and decoration for her new room. Dont even humour the idea of them not swapping.

My parents redecorated my room the dust I moved out and rented it out.

You have to prioritise your DD here. Please please listen to her when she says the view would help. I was severely depressed and SI’d as a teenager. Having a window to stare out of honestly helped so much. You really need to put your foot down here. You’ve said yourself you’d find those windows depressing.

Is your DH hash on her in other ways? Does he always railroad your opinions?

OP there are so many Red flags here, I do hope you are seeing them?

@MadameMeursault

he doesn't want to do anything that might seem to be siding with me and DD over DSD.

Is this the key to it OP? Is it stemming from guilt he feels about the break-up of his first family? Not fair that your DD has to suffer as a result.

I think there is some truth in this, yes. His ex bad mouthed him to his DCs for years after the split whilst he refrained from doing this because it's not good for young DCs to hear negative comments by one parent about the other. Also their DM's behaviour was so bad DH would not like them to know the whole truth about her. I think he still feels the need to do right by his DCs to prove himself even though it is to the detriment of my DD.

@BlueThistles

OP there are so many Red flags here, I do hope you are seeing them?

There have been red flags in the relationship between the two of us but generally we get along really well. I do not ignore the red flags, they are discussed and addressed.

@LibrariesGiveUsPower

My parents redecorated my room the dust I moved out and rented it out.

You have to prioritise your DD here. Please please listen to her when she says the view would help. I was severely depressed and SI’d as a teenager. Having a window to stare out of honestly helped so much. You really need to put your foot down here. You’ve said yourself you’d find those windows depressing.

Is your DH hash on her in other ways? Does he always railroad your opinions?

I agree with you about the view being important. It was one of the reasons we bought the house and (usually) it helps me to unwind every time I look at it.

This is your DD's permanent home therefore her needs take precedence in this regard.

As long as DSD has a place where she feels welcome on the rare occasion she visits then there is no issue.

This is your daughter's home. Her dad needs to accept that and stop projecting his guilt or issues onto his family. Also his DM's opinion should not hold more weight than yours.

DSD will still have her own space and own room, so he is being unreasonable. It's not like you are kicking her out or whatever, it's crazy to prioritise someone who out of choice is hardly ever there, over someone who is always there and clearly struggling.

Is your DH hash on her in other ways? Does he always railroad your opinions? Sorry, should have also said in answer to your question that DD and DH usually get along well and he does generally listen to my opinion. We haven't come up against anything quite like this before so it's new territory for both of us. I feel quite incredulous of how stubborn he is being about it all. It feels as though he wants to prove to DSD that he has fought her corner whilst being completely oblivious to this being so wrong in these particular circumstances.

His instant and almost aggressive response comes across as 'territorial'..

Does he honestly believe OP can be held responsible for his Daughter choosing to not stay over, and can he justify the best bedroom in the house laying unused in the mere off chance she changes her mind? He cannot be serious OP. He is behaving like a Prison Guard at the door of an empty cell. 🌺

The 'only 2 days a year' argument misses the importance / security of knowing you have a 'home' to go to, there could be times at uni when she needs to come home for support (not just relationship issues) - knowing its there is a support in itself.
The advantage of doing as pp suggested, getting her involved in redecoration etc makes it more of creating a 'safe space' for her even if it's never used!

I think DSD is getting a hard time here, I think it would be worth speaking to her directly. It sounds like at best your husband will have asked in a very biased/loaded way, and to be fair, saying she'd rather not is sensible (moving rooms is a bit of a hassle for everyone even for the best reasons). So there's a good chance if you explained she'd be quite happy. Your husband sounds really unpleasant though. Why is he trying to force such divisions in your family? Turning your DD and DSD against each other, when they've previously had a good relationship, trying to spoil your relationship with DSD?

@ScrapThatThen

Your DH needs to realise his daughter doesn't want to slot into her dad's family life for sleepovers as an adult, she probably wants either some independent distance or some meaningful contact with him and that is more likely to mean him putting himself out to be in contact or take her out.

This is my thinking too and this is what he has been doing. He sees the DSCs eow and does something fun with them, an activity, eats out, visit the coast etc but instead of them coming to our home to stay for the night, he takes them home early evening.

OP, I think you made a big mistake telling your Dd to ask your DH.

You should have broached him with it with the reasons, and suggested ways to make it a good deal for his Dd.

You know he is sensitive about his Dds visits, it is always tricky for step children in a home where their parent lives full time with a step sibling.

Your DH did not handle it well, at all. But it wasn’t fair to put your Dd in the position of asking him.

The 'only 2 days a year' argument misses the importance / security of knowing you have a 'home' to go to, there could be times at uni when she needs to come home for support (not just relationship issues) - knowing its there is a support in itself.

and what of the self harming Daughter who needs this safe space right here right now ? does your sympathy stretch as far as the immediate risks?

*OP, I think you made a big mistake telling your Dd to ask your DH.

You should have broached him with it with the reasons, and suggested ways to make it a good deal for his Dd.

You know he is sensitive about his Dds visits, it is always tricky for step children in a home where their parent lives full time with a step sibling.

Your DH did not handle it well, at all. But it wasn’t fair to put your Dd in the position of asking him.*

This is spot on. And at this point, I’d take the earlier advice of talking to DSD and thanking her for moving even though it wasn’t her first choice etc and inviting her to choose some furniture and things. I probably wouldn’t make that reliant on a visit...

You need to swiftly move this towards a satisfactory resolution now before it grows into an even bigger issue. It’s already a mountain from a molehill. It’s going to feel like someone “loses” now, and it really didn’t have to.

Once the resolution is sorted and in place, I think you need to talk to DH, too. Your family sounds so divided. You don’t come across like a new team, and nobody is pulling in the same direction. That can’t be nice for the kids, even if it’s alright for you two.

Would funds stretch to changing the velux windows to dormers as a bribe for DSD to swap. Bigger room and still a view?

@villamariavintrapp

I think DSD is getting a hard time here, I think it would be worth speaking to her directly. It sounds like at best your husband will have asked in a very biased/loaded way, and to be fair, saying she'd rather not is sensible (moving rooms is a bit of a hassle for everyone even for the best reasons). So there's a good chance if you explained she'd be quite happy. Your husband sounds really unpleasant though. Why is he trying to force such divisions in your family? Turning your DD and DSD against each other, when they've previously had a good relationship, trying to spoil your relationship with DSD?

This is a concern of mine. He has not tried hard enough to justify the idea by giving her the full facts and then comes to me saying she is not happy about the move and he doubts she will ever come visit again (the latter is his assumption/projection). I'm assuming he says this in the hope that I will cave. He is indicating that she will begrudgingly move rooms but if it were her choice she would not do so. I cannot believe this of DSD and wonder how much of this is down to DH.

@WutheringTights

Would funds stretch to changing the velux windows to dormers as a bribe for DSD to swap. Bigger room and still a view?

That is a good idea and would certainly be worth doing if she was visiting more than twice a year to justify the cost. Actually, I might put this suggestion to DH and see how he reacts.

I dont' have time to read the whole thread properly but would say that the needs of a 15 year old with history of mental health issues sounds more important here than the other factors.
If she has said she wants to be closer to you, I would facilitate that as she's young enough to still need your help. (I am also, as an adult, never happy in a room with no view and just loft room windows, something disconcerting about it)

If DSD was never staying overnight beforehand that seems like an issue that should have already been addressed before she got to 18 (and by her father)

An eighteen year old is willing to hold on to a bedroom she never sleeps in rather than let her step sister, who has mental health issues, move into it to be closer to her mother.

And your husband thinks this is okay?

If both girls were yours and your husbands this move would just be done, and the older girl would be bluntly told to grow up and stop being such a princess.

Your problem is your family hasn’t blended. Your husband and your step daughter feel no compassion for your daughter and no sense of fairness.

They aren’t kind people.

I would be rethinking this whole set up

An eighteen year old is willing to hold on to a bedroom she never sleeps in rather than let her step sister, who has mental health issues, move into it to be closer to her mother.

Exactly, she sounds like a selfish brat who has been facilitated in her behaviour by her father.