To insist on swap?

[yetanothernamechange12]

Very sorry for lengthy post...

DD 15 has had bedroom on top floor of our 3 storey home for last 8 years. It is a good size but only has a velux window so view is of the sky only.

DS has the other bedroom on top floor and is about to leave for uni. DD has asked if she can swap bedrooms with DSD so she will be on the middle floor with me and DH (DH is her DSF) as she feels anxious about being on the top floor alone. This is a slightly smaller room and will be tricky to fit all her things in.

I pointed out the negatives for the move and that DSD might not be happy to swap but I can see the positives, it will be easier to check in on her (she has had mental health issues/self harmed in the past). The room has the best view in the house so I think this alone would help improve her mood. Having her on the top floor has felt like she is detached from the rest of the family as it's more of an effort for her to come downstairs so she doesn't bother unless she has too.

I suggested she ask DH first but was shocked when his immediate answer was no. He did not ask her why? Just a flat no. DD asked DSD directly (via text) and also got a flat no.

I discussed the issue with DH later when we were alone. Explained reasons why DD wants to swap and reasons why I think it will be in her best interests. I suggested to him that he should have discussed it with me before giving an answer and at least first ask DD why she wanted to swap. He admitted he handled it badly. He promised he would tell DSD reasons why she should agree to swap, appeal to her better nature and hope she would agree but ultimately he would tell her that the swap was going ahead.

So as not to drip feed, I will say now that DSD has not visited since lockdown and has only stayed two nights in the last 12 months. She is almost 18 so these infrequent visits are unlikely to change.

DH talked to DSD today. He explained situation but gave her the choice to still say no. 🤷‍♀️ He has arrived home and tells me if I force the swap he thinks DSD will never visit again. It feels like he is laying the blame for lack of future visits at my door when she has basically already stopped.

I am so upset that he has resorted to emotional blackmail to win the argument when I feel he should have backed me up on this. He got angry and told me to stop slagging his daughter off. I didn’t! I told him I felt she was being selfish. Now he is saying her actual words were if she had a choice she would not move. Not a flat no after all. He says he told her regardless of her response I would do what I wanted to do, which I feel casts me in the roll of wicked SM. I am very upset that DSD has not visited over the past year. I have always welcomed her, always wanted to spend time together with her and DSS as a family but because her DM is jealous (whole other thread) DH has limited family time with us all together. As much as I would have loved for things to be different they are what they are. If I insist on the move I will feel guilty that DSD might never visit again and I am worried how this affects our relationship going forward. On the other hand, it is in my daughter’s best interests to move rooms. Am I being unreasonable to insist on the swap? Also am I being unreasonable to be upset with DH over the way he has handled this?

@ShellsAndSunrises

*OP, I think you made a big mistake telling your Dd to ask your DH.

You should have broached him with it with the reasons, and suggested ways to make it a good deal for his Dd.

You know he is sensitive about his Dds visits, it is always tricky for step children in a home where their parent lives full time with a step sibling.

Your DH did not handle it well, at all. But it wasn’t fair to put your Dd in the position of asking him.*

This is spot on. And at this point, I’d take the earlier advice of talking to DSD and thanking her for moving even though it wasn’t her first choice etc and inviting her to choose some furniture and things. I probably wouldn’t make that reliant on a visit...

You need to swiftly move this towards a satisfactory resolution now before it grows into an even bigger issue. It’s already a mountain from a molehill. It’s going to feel like someone “loses” now, and it really didn’t have to.

Once the resolution is sorted and in place, I think you need to talk to DH, too. Your family sounds so divided. You don’t come across like a new team, and nobody is pulling in the same direction. That can’t be nice for the kids, even if it’s alright for you two.

We are not a "new team", we have been together for well over 9 years. DSC's DM has caused many issues over the years which has had a negative affect on all of us. Too complicated to go into on this thread but DH has always been very protective of his DC he just does not seem to appreciate that this time DD's needs are more important. His refusal to acknowledge this is hurting me the most.

I have had a very brief discussion with him this morning. It would appear that he did not explain to DSD the reasons why DD wants to swap and he only explained my reasons in a very weak way. "DSM would like her DD on same floor so she can keep an eye on her". I am even more disappointed. He previously acknowledged that he handled the situation badly and agreed to put it right. This has hardly done that and seems to have made it worse.

You cannot change what has happened but you can change what will happen. Firstly, this is your house as well as their home, I doubt your SD pays rent so the decision of who sleeps where is yours, you and your DH.

Next pick up the phone to your SD and talk her through what is happening and why, your DH's approach is wrong and has created more tension.

These are your children, you are the adults, now take up the mantle and sort it out.

Your family sounds so divided. You don’t come across like a new team, and nobody is pulling in the same direction. That can’t be nice for the kids, even if it’s alright for you two.

It is not all right by either of us hence the discussions we have had over the last couple of weeks. DH will still be protective of his DC and I will be the same with mine. Understandably, both of us want what is best for our DC. We seem to have reached an impasse on this as DH is refusing to accept DD's needs come first though he has accepted that the swap will be happening but I feel he should have presented a united front with me on this and "sold" it to DSD in a more positive light. Instead he basically said "DSM will be doing what she thinks is right for DD. I don't agree with her but there's nothing I can do about it". So yes, that does make us divided on this point.

@OldBean2

You cannot change what has happened but you can change what will happen. Firstly, this is your house as well as their home, I doubt your SD pays rent so the decision of who sleeps where is yours, you and your DH.

Next pick up the phone to your SD and talk her through what is happening and why, your DH's approach is wrong and has created more tension.

These are your children, you are the adults, now take up the mantle and sort it out.

Yes, thank you for some straight talking words. This is exactly what needs to be done.

She is happy to spend some time with him but does not want to stay overnight at the house (she has not said why but having to get up earlier than she would like to go back home/would rather see her friends or perhaps just feels at aged almost 18 she is past doing sleepovers here. He blames her not coming on COVID-19 and if I gently point out that she had not stayed for some months prior to COVID and it is her choice to not stay but perhaps it is convenient to use that as her reason, he gets very defensive.

So perhaps another persuasive point could be that if DSD had a double bed & a more grown-up looking and larger sized room, she might be encouraged to sleep over/sleep over more often.?
Maybe when shopping with DSD for bits for her new room, you could encourage her to sleep over more often.

Yes, thank you for some straight talking words. This is exactly what needs to be done.

good on you 🌺

@Pheobeasy

An eighteen year old is willing to hold on to a bedroom she never sleeps in rather than let her step sister, who has mental health issues, move into it to be closer to her mother.

Exactly, she sounds like a selfish brat who has been facilitated in her behaviour by her father.

I would not insult my DSD by calling her a brat, she is not and never has been a brat. She has certainly appeared to have been selfish in her response to this matter but as I have updated this morning she was not given the full reasons behind the desired swap. I feel certain we would have had slightly more willingness on DSD's part if she had been made aware of the full facts.

What floor is DSS'S room on? Does he live with you full time? Would he be prepared to swap?
How was the initial room assignment made when you moved in?
I find it interesting that it's your children who are on a separate floor to the rest of you

Hmmm does your DH have form for favouring his kids over yours or not acting as a team / being autocratic about things? It doesn’t sound great behaviour from him, I have to say. If he doesn’t have a track record of similar then I guess you just have to try and talk to him about why he reacted in such an out of character way. If he does have form then I’d be having a think about the effect it has on your children and whether things in your household are actually fair ...

@CherieBabySpliffUp

What floor is DSS'S room on? Does he live with you full time? Would he be prepared to swap? How was the initial room assignment made when you moved in? I find it interesting that it's your children who are on a separate floor to the rest of you

If I've got the room set up right, then yes, it does look as if OP's DC were the ones pushed to the separate floor.

OP, I hope that your conversation with DSD goes well. But I do seriously think you should be paying more attention to these red flags. It's one thing saying you discuss these when they arise, but it's clear that they aren't exactly going away....

OP,

It doesn't appear that you get the dynamic that you have written about.

It reads to me that your husband deliberately caused tension, mislead you and your step daughter, to the detriment of your daughter.

He must be aware of your child's MH difficulties and yet he did that.

And you are trying to manage him in this situation instead of ripping his head off.

Is he part of your daughter's MH problems?
Is your relationship part of your daughter's MH problems?
Is 9 years of this type of deliberate treatment of your child the reason she has MH problems?

You poured your money into a house that doesn't even prioritise your mentally fragile child.
Astonishing OP.

Your poor daughter, absolutely last to be considered and thought of.

I bet this dynamic has lots of other examples over the years, where your daughter was overlooked, dismissed, and minimised.

It is clear that managing your husband has come ahead of your daughter.

Poor girl.
Failed by the adults around her so comprehensively.

Carrying the cost of her mother putting a twat of a man ahead of her.

As a parent, I think it is shameful when parents do this.

@Ideasplease322

An eighteen year old is willing to hold on to a bedroom she never sleeps in rather than let her step sister, who has mental health issues, move into it to be closer to her mother.

And your husband thinks this is okay?

If both girls were yours and your husbands this move would just be done, and the older girl would be bluntly told to grow up and stop being such a princess.

Your problem is your family hasn’t blended. Your husband and your step daughter feel no compassion for your daughter and no sense of fairness.

They aren’t kind people.

I would be rethinking this whole set up

DH realises that this is not okay. He has admitted he handled it badly, promised to put it right. Did badly at that too. We had a further chat this afternoon and he has agreed that DD must have priority and give DSD a better explanation as to why this is needs to happen. Room swap will take place over the next few days. We have agreed at last but I feel like I have been put through the wringer to get here.

@CherieBabySpliffUp

What floor is DSS'S room on? Does he live with you full time? Would he be prepared to swap? How was the initial room assignment made when you moved in? I find it interesting that it's your children who are on a separate floor to the rest of you

My DC had first choice of rooms (except master suite) when we moved here. They were very excited and happy with being on the top floor. It has worked well for DS. DD has only mentioned it being an issue in the last two weeks which is when she broached the idea of swapping.

DSS is youngest and has the smallest room on the middle floor.

Brilliant news OP

great news for your DD 🌺

Glad it worked out and sorry if I was a bit harsh. Just really felt for your daughter😊.

@BlueThistles

Brilliant news OP

great news for your DD 🌺

Thank you* @BlueThistles. * It has been an unnecessarily stressful two weeks but all will be well now. I am very happy to be having DD on middle floor with us soon

@Ideasplease322

Glad it worked out and sorry if I was a bit harsh. Just really felt for your daughter😊.

No worries. And thank you. It has been so helpful to have great insight from lovely people who have taken the time to respond.

I have had sleepless nights about it all as I worry about her so much. DH is sometimes poor at communicating and comes from a "need to know" standpoint. He was worried about mentioning DD's MH issues to DSD because he felt this would be a breach of confidence. It was DSD who first alerted us to the problem a couple of years ago so it is more a case of reminding her that DD is a bit fragile. DH sees her happily chatting to friends online and going out often so didn't give any thought that MH might be behind the need to swap rooms.

If my Dad rang me and asked me to move rooms so my step mum could keep a closer eye on my step sister I might be tempted to say no out of loyalty to the step sister. Is it possible DSD didn’t realise DD was the instigator of the plan and was trying to save her from having to give up her room so she could be more closely supervised? Many teenagers would resist such a move on principle!