Am I "weird" to do this for dd - she says I am

coffeelover3 · 2020-09-12T20:14:18+00:00

so we moved to a new area back in March and dd aged 16 nearly 17 hasn't made a single friend here. of course no school, no clubs, no opportunity to meet people her age. She started college last week, but just one day, and they have 2 days next week I think. But are encouraged not to 'hang out' after class. She is very down. So I put up a post on f/b in a local group asking what teens round here did, and what could she do/join to make friends. Scouts came up - so I emailed, and she was all set to go next Friday, but just heard from the leader that all meet ups are suspended cos of covid - we in B/ham so have gone into 'mini lockdown'. Meanwhile, a girl messaged me privately on f/b and said she was in the scouts, and she would chat to dd, she seemed really nice, she said 'tell her to msg me, I would be friends with anyone' - she had a very nice/normal f/book page, so I got excited and I messaged her and then I got DD and she (reluctantly) gave me her Instagram to give to the girl. The girl then followed her, and they had a very short convo on insta. Given that things are so bad, and it's so hard to meet people, I've said to DD she should message her again, and try and make friends, but DD wont as she says it's too embarrassing, that it makes her look like a loser :( She's currently crying her eyes out that she doesn't know anyone. I don't know what I can do really. She's managed up to now with her old friends on video calls and messages, but they are back at school now, and everyone's busy IUKWIM. I feel so sorry for her, but helpless.

Nottherealslimshady · 12/09/2020 21:21

I think you really overstepped. I'd be mortified if I was her and even though the other girl sounds so lovely your daughter will feel like such a charity case. She's not 5, you cant arrange playdates for her anymore unfortunately. But it does seem shes in a really ceappy situation and your actions came from a good place but putting a lonely hearts ad on fb for your teen daughter is so cringy

ShrimpSymphony · 12/09/2020 21:23

Even though you had good intentions I would feel absolutely humiliated if my mum did this to me

riotlady · 12/09/2020 21:25

That’s way too much involvement from you, sorry

ExclamationPerfume · 12/09/2020 21:26

You have embarassed her. She will find friends in her own time.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 12/09/2020 21:26

Encouraging your dd to do something is one thing, but messaging people on her behalf is cringy bless her. I also have a nearly 17 year old and I get it, but you have to let her do this herself.

Binkalater · 12/09/2020 21:27

I second PP, clearly done with the best of intentions but she's nearly 17, not 7. I'd have been absolutely mortified if my Mum had posted on social media that I needed friends at that age. Must be horrible to see her so upset but she'll get through it and meet people in her own time, you can't make friends for her.

SugarHockeyIcedTea · 12/09/2020 21:29

I say this as someone who had relatives that liked to 'just help'all the time when I was a teenager, please stop.

Life is hard to navigate as a teen (or an adult!) and I can't think of anything worse than a relative doing what you did.

She needs to find her own way in life and meeting friends without you holding her hand, regardless of how much your heart is in the right place.

CoronaBollox · 12/09/2020 21:29

Oh god I thought parents stopped organising play dates after primary school...

Your heart was in the right place but I can see why your DD feels embarrassed.

Honeybobbin · 12/09/2020 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkstripeycat · 12/09/2020 21:33

It’s not at all embarrassing. This is what the scouts are all about. They’ll bend over backwards to help people and include them. This is a very scout like thing to do. I think you are a great mum. So do we completely step back when our kids grow older? No of course we don’t and those who say you are embarrassing are very odd and completely unfriendly. Good for you and please encourage your daughter to make friends with the girl scout as she has responded so nicely

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2020 21:37

I also think you were well intentioned but you’d have been better guiding her to make her own posts etc and helping her. You basically announced publicly she’s a Billy no mates and needs her mums help.

That’s beyond humiliating for any one, never mind a teen.

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2020 21:38

So do we completely step back when our kids grow older

No you find the right approach. She herself could have posted on face book.

There comes a time when you guide, not do it for them.

Bubbaella · 12/09/2020 21:39

She’s 16. At that age I would’ve been mortified if my mum had done that to me. You’re basically broadcasting on Facebook that your dd has no friends. At least that is what it will look like to 16 year olds.

Take a step back and let her sort out her own friendships.

ChicCroissant · 12/09/2020 21:44

Does she have a personal tutor or similar at her college, OP? Or a pastoral worker that she could speak to as they may be able to offer support.

If there are no clubs meeting face-to-face at the moment then unfortunately she may take some time to get to know people. But you can't do that for her, perhaps you feel a little guilt from moving her for whatever reason but you need to leave it up to her. Can you delete your post from the FB group?

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 12/09/2020 21:44

STOP! @coffeelover3, your poor daughter!
She is 17! Give her a chance to live her life rather than you pussy footing around her. Life is going to hit her damn very hard and you will be responsible for it! 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster

coffeelover3 · 12/09/2020 21:44

OK! Thanks for the advice :) I didn't say she was a 'billy no mates' though I just genuinely was looking for groups or something she could go to. She's at a loss herself. She's very sociable, had lots of friends in our old home, really good friends, she was always out, I hardly saw her! She was so happy. I suppose I feel guilty for uprooting us. I'd say without covid she would be grand, she would have made lots of friends by now. She says its weird to make friends online. I suggested she see if theres a local f/book page, but she says her age don't use f/book. How could she meet friends online. BTW on my f/book page I only said I was looking for groups/ things to do in the area for her age. I mean I'd say the same for myself. We've been here 6 months and she's been so good, but it's just getting her down now, she's really lonely. I asked her what could we do, and said I'd try and find out, and the local f'book group is so friendly and helpful. I just think that another 3 months sitting in her room and she's going to be in an awful state. But yeah I see I'm cringey.

OP posts:

SugarHockeyIcedTea · 12/09/2020 21:46

@pinkstripeycat

It’s not at all embarrassing. This is what the scouts are all about. They’ll bend over backwards to help people and include them. This is a very scout like thing to do. I think you are a great mum. So do we completely step back when our kids grow older? No of course we don’t and those who say you are embarrassing are very odd and completely unfriendly. Good for you and please encourage your daughter to make friends with the girl scout as she has responded so nicely

I wouldn't say that posters who have replied differently from you are 'odd and unfriendly' because we have varying opinions to OP situation.

I replied based on my personal experience and was quite pleasant in my response to the OP.

SugarHockeyIcedTea · 12/09/2020 21:48

@coffeelover3

OK! Thanks for the advice :) I didn't say she was a 'billy no mates' though I just genuinely was looking for groups or something she could go to. She's at a loss herself. She's very sociable, had lots of friends in our old home, really good friends, she was always out, I hardly saw her! She was so happy. I suppose I feel guilty for uprooting us. I'd say without covid she would be grand, she would have made lots of friends by now. She says its weird to make friends online. I suggested she see if theres a local f/book page, but she says her age don't use f/book. How could she meet friends online. BTW on my f/book page I only said I was looking for groups/ things to do in the area for her age. I mean I'd say the same for myself. We've been here 6 months and she's been so good, but it's just getting her down now, she's really lonely. I asked her what could we do, and said I'd try and find out, and the local f'book group is so friendly and helpful. I just think that another 3 months sitting in her room and she's going to be in an awful state. But yeah I see I'm cringey.

OP, you're not cringey at all and you were trying to help but sometimes and ,especially, in the teen years you have to let them find their own way a wee bit.

Lolwhat · 12/09/2020 21:49

She’s not 5, far too much involvement

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2020 21:50

Ouch. Yes, you massively overstepped. She's almost 17, not 7. What you should be doing is sympathizing with her about the state of the world, which millions of people her age and every age is dealing with, and then leave her to it. Help with ideas and be supportive, but do not be a friend matchmaker for a nearly adult child. I really think you should apologise to her.

Original poster

coffeelover3 · 12/09/2020 21:51

But she doesn't know what to do to make friends, you cant just walk up to someone on the street and say hi. She wanted to know about groups she could join- she doesn't like sport, didn't want to do drama, so I had the idea of the scouts. I thought of it a while ago but everything was on lockdown.

OP posts:

AramintaLee · 12/09/2020 21:52

Awww OP you sound lovely and not at all cringy. You has the best of intentions and I'm sure in years to come, your daughter will be grateful to have such a thoughtful Mum. She'll find her way and track down her people in her own time. She's probably just missing her old friends and Covid makes it difficult for anyone to socialise.

I would suggest seeing if she fancies joining a sporting team. I used to do netball and met a great bunch of girls as a result. A lot of members joined specifically for the social/making new friends aspect of it.

whoknowswhichwayisup · 12/09/2020 21:52

Aw poor thing. You're clearly trying to help but that is very 'weird', and she's embarrassed.

Original poster

coffeelover3 · 12/09/2020 21:53

Ok I'll take it on the chin, I messed up :( Cant help thinking about that nice girl though, I'm sure they could be friends, but yeah I wont mention it to DD again. She has her insta so can message her if she wants to. It could just be a 'start' IUKWIM. I mean I've made some very good friends from an online post in the past

OP posts:

Babyroobs · 12/09/2020 21:54

I don't think it's weird op, you were trying to help your child, that is natural to want to do that. I think you should have asked your dd first though.