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Original poster

Am I "weird" to do this for dd - she says I am

105 replies

coffeelover3 · 12/09/2020 21:14

so we moved to a new area back in March and dd aged 16 nearly 17 hasn't made a single friend here. of course no school, no clubs, no opportunity to meet people her age. She started college last week, but just one day, and they have 2 days next week I think. But are encouraged not to 'hang out' after class. She is very down. So I put up a post on f/b in a local group asking what teens round here did, and what could she do/join to make friends. Scouts came up - so I emailed, and she was all set to go next Friday, but just heard from the leader that all meet ups are suspended cos of covid - we in B/ham so have gone into 'mini lockdown'. Meanwhile, a girl messaged me privately on f/b and said she was in the scouts, and she would chat to dd, she seemed really nice, she said 'tell her to msg me, I would be friends with anyone' - she had a very nice/normal f/book page, so I got excited and I messaged her and then I got DD and she (reluctantly) gave me her Instagram to give to the girl. The girl then followed her, and they had a very short convo on insta. Given that things are so bad, and it's so hard to meet people, I've said to DD she should message her again, and try and make friends, but DD wont as she says it's too embarrassing, that it makes her look like a loser :( She's currently crying her eyes out that she doesn't know anyone. I don't know what I can do really. She's managed up to now with her old friends on video calls and messages, but they are back at school now, and everyone's busy IUKWIM. I feel so sorry for her, but helpless.

OP posts:
Quaagars · 12/09/2020 22:44

@coffeelover3
I'm not voting, as I can see it from both sides.
I'm now a parent and have a child the exact same age and one a little bit younger, I know how it can feel sometimes when you see a child struggling to make friends.
You've moved to a new area, reached out and somebody has got in touch, your dd has messaged, all good
I'd leave it there though
I'm thinking back to my extremely shy teenage self at the same age over 20 years ago and I'd have been mortified, absolutely mortified.
Leave her now to try and forge her own way in your new town leave it there she'll make friends if she wants to

monkeyonthetable · 12/09/2020 22:50

The girl messaged you. She made the first move. I understand completely that your daughter is lonely and it is almost impossible to make friends during lockdown.

I don;t agree with the others that you humiliated her. You didn;t say "I have a lonely daughter will someone be her friend, you asked what ws available in this new area you have moved to and someone took the initiative to say 'I'll chat with her if she's new to the area.'

When she's had her cry, I'd just reassure her that in normal times this sort of thing wouldn't be necessary but lockdown makes it impossible. This girl reached out, and that's kind. Why not add a kind person to your life? You don't have to become best mates, But it's a familiar person once life eventually gets back to normal, someone who might introduce her to a friendship group or to the other scouts. No harm in having a few chats online.

Ameliablue · 12/09/2020 22:51

Check what the college she is going to offers. Unis possibly are more prepared for online events etc. But I'd expect colleges to offer something. Unis for instance have events for Freshers and the unions and various groups will also be organising inline events for Freshers to join in and get to know people

SamsMumsCateracts · 12/09/2020 22:56

I'd have honestly been mortified if my mum had done this when I was that age. Very much overstepping the mark. At the very, very least you should have spoken to your DD before messaging the girl. How embarrassing for her.

1forAll74 · 12/09/2020 23:02

Yes, you have the cringe factor, and your daughter crying is very odd. What on earth is wrong with people today..

FredAstaireAteMyHamSandwich · 12/09/2020 23:31

I wouldn’t be encouraging my DD to start exchanging messages with somebody neither of you have met, however ‘nice’ her Facebook page looks. Could be a a 50 year old perv, honing in on a girl who has no friends in the area.

TorkTorkBam · 12/09/2020 23:40

Stop making suggestions (that she then poo poos)!

Leave her to it. She can work all of this out for herself. She may need to get lonely enough to start reaching out. Stop owning her problem. Stop offering advice. Stop seeking advice on her behalf.

When she moans about being lonely make vague sympathetic noises with no real content! "Oh poor you", "that does sound hard", "awww", "hug?" that's it. I had to do this with one of mine. It worked. He sorted his life out.

mathanxiety · 12/09/2020 23:41

YYY @FredAstaireAteMyHamSandwich.

MomToTwoBabas · 13/09/2020 00:16

God she is practically an adult wtf.

SisterAgatha · 13/09/2020 00:21

Shocking internet safety from you there as wellz

strappedup · 13/09/2020 00:24

🤦🏻‍♀️

August20 · 13/09/2020 00:28

Did the message say anything about making friends? That's weird, she's a teenager. Especially as Facebook uses real names, it's not like asking on an anonymous forum. But I think it would have been ok to post something like:

Hi, I'm quite new to the area. What activities are running for teenagers? My daughter is looking for clubs to join.

Which is neutral and ok in my opinion. So what tone and content was your message like? Just wondering because in your later post you said you just asked about clubs but that probably wouldn't have prompted a response from the girl with instagram.

I would leave it for a bit, she has just started a new college and it takes a few weeks to make friends through school even without covid.

Ariela · 13/09/2020 00:34

I'd see if she can get a job in a local pub of a weekend night or lunchtimes. Or a supermarket, there's always a gaggle of students in our local one.

Original poster
coffeelover3 · 13/09/2020 00:44

SamsMumsCateracts Just to confirm I DID ASK DD before I replied to the message from the scout girl on f/book. I called her and she read the message and "we "composed" a reply, that was basically just giving her DD's insta. No, lol she is definitely not a 'perv'. She's a scout, she told dd her dad is one of the scout leaders and she is going to ask him to sort out her membership with me - which he did - he emailed me. And just to say DD is very sociable, she had lots of friends, still does, and talks to them nearly every day, but the calls have dropped off since they went back to school which was at the beg. of sept, and dd started college last week - not uni. she's actually 16, a young 16, but very good at making friends, and like I say, very sociable. More outgoing than me - that's why I feel guilty sometimes, as I'm happy enough working from home, and not seeing many people, but dd longs for company her own age. Maybe the college will be better. She was just so disappointed last week - no socialising after the one day they had. She sorta made friends with 2 girls, but she's not sure they will be good friends, she said they didnt' 'click'. iukwim

OP posts:
KoalasandRabbit · 13/09/2020 00:45

When we moved to this area DD joined air cadets and went to the village youth club, there's also army and navy cadets.

Original poster
coffeelover3 · 13/09/2020 00:50

ok this is what I said in the message:-

Hello, does anyone know if the scouts are meeting at the moment - we are new to the area I'm asking for my 17 year old daughter

I put in her age as we did find other groups around water sports, but they were all for much younger children, or 12-15 year olds which is what she doesn't want.

OP posts:
LilyE1234 · 13/09/2020 00:52

I worked at Waitrose when I was 16 and I made loads of friends. There was a good group of young people working on the weekends and we would often have a drink after work or nights out.

Original poster
coffeelover3 · 13/09/2020 00:55

PS I'd actually forgotten what I wrote!!! In my OP I didn't explain it very well - I just went back and checked what I wrote on F/B - and deleted the post. A few people replied with contact names - and one mentioned sea scouts, and another person mentioned young adventurers club (which looks good but is on the same night as scouts) and one person mentioned 'young farmers' which we giggled about. She's a very 'young' 17, I think if we hadn't moved she would have grown up a lot in the last 6 months, but because she hasn't been out or with her friends, she's kinda regressed a bit - she was doing great where we were before, the move came at a really bad time for her in that she had a great circle of friends and a social life. Of course we didn't know that covid was going to disrupt everything like it has or I'd say she would be settled in by now

OP posts:
earthyfire · 13/09/2020 02:04

My DD is almost 11 and even she would find this embarrassing. I think it was too much - sorry.

WinterAndRoughWeather · 13/09/2020 02:53

The young farmers are pretty fun (and can be pretty wild). I wasn’t a member, but I knew a lot of members through my weekend and holiday job (farm supplies store).

August20 · 13/09/2020 03:34

Based on your actual message I think it was fine! I was imagining from your OP that you'd written something about your DD needing to make friends.

WhatWouldJKRDo · 13/09/2020 03:59

Back off and let her find her own way.

katy1213 · 13/09/2020 04:05

If my mum had done this to me, I don't think I'd have emerged from my bedroom until I was 40!

seayork2020 · 13/09/2020 04:50

If this was my son I would get the details of the groups etc give them to him say if he wants us to help ask them leave it to him - that is it, no i would not do what is on the OP

Florencex · 13/09/2020 04:55

Yes you are weird and this must be deeply humiliating for your daughter. I am baffled that you cannot see that.