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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I "weird" to do this for dd - she says I am

105 replies

coffeelover3 · 12/09/2020 21:14

so we moved to a new area back in March and dd aged 16 nearly 17 hasn't made a single friend here. of course no school, no clubs, no opportunity to meet people her age. She started college last week, but just one day, and they have 2 days next week I think. But are encouraged not to 'hang out' after class. She is very down. So I put up a post on f/b in a local group asking what teens round here did, and what could she do/join to make friends. Scouts came up - so I emailed, and she was all set to go next Friday, but just heard from the leader that all meet ups are suspended cos of covid - we in B/ham so have gone into 'mini lockdown'. Meanwhile, a girl messaged me privately on f/b and said she was in the scouts, and she would chat to dd, she seemed really nice, she said 'tell her to msg me, I would be friends with anyone' - she had a very nice/normal f/book page, so I got excited and I messaged her and then I got DD and she (reluctantly) gave me her Instagram to give to the girl. The girl then followed her, and they had a very short convo on insta. Given that things are so bad, and it's so hard to meet people, I've said to DD she should message her again, and try and make friends, but DD wont as she says it's too embarrassing, that it makes her look like a loser :( She's currently crying her eyes out that she doesn't know anyone. I don't know what I can do really. She's managed up to now with her old friends on video calls and messages, but they are back at school now, and everyone's busy IUKWIM. I feel so sorry for her, but helpless.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/09/2020 05:01

Why did you write she was seventeen when she’s sixteen? That’s kinda weird to get it wrong.?

seayork2020 · 13/09/2020 05:04

Actually is this one of those weird reverse threads or is this genuine?

TitsOutForHarambe · 13/09/2020 06:03

Oh my God, that's so embarrassing. Your poor daughter. I wouldn't even do that to a 9 year old, never mind a 17 year old!

Writerandreader · 13/09/2020 06:08

Wow people here mean. Op I get it. Do people here get thst this is an awful and unusual situation. Birmingham is in lockdown. The girl has moved and has no friends and the new laws are actively discouraging friendships.... Such a brutal time to be young and of course she can't skip off and get a job.

Minimumstandard · 13/09/2020 06:17

I'd apologise for overstepping it (and promise not to do it again) but ask her to give this girl a chance now they are in contact with each other. She sounds nice and willing to make the effort, and we all need someone to talk to sometimes, no shame in that.

MsTSwift · 13/09/2020 06:24

Mortifying - poor girl. I take it there were extremely compelling reasons to move? I would move heaven and earth not to uproot a teen it’s such a sensitive life stage and friends crucial

Cakemadeoffruit · 13/09/2020 06:58

Has she thought about volunteering?
www.birmingham.gov.uk/info/50160/employment_advice/1512/volunteering/2

There's lots of animal sanctuaries in and around Birmingham, Dudley zoo, Birmingham wildlife reserve, Middleton Lakes RSPB reserve.

Friends of black country living museum

Netherton water reservoir where they do fresh water swimming/sailing/water skiing

Quite a few rambling clubs in the area who have still been getting together (but may be on hold for the next fortnight)

Young rotary/roteract

Cakemadeoffruit · 13/09/2020 07:00

Sorry I didn't explain myself, the animal sanctuaries and friends of the museum are always looking for volunteers

BastardBiscuits · 13/09/2020 07:01

I was going to say YABU and embarrassing but then I remembered that I had to stop myself emailing my 19 year olds boss yesterday asking for them not to fire him at his upcoming disciplinary 🤦‍♀️ So I get it.

pictish · 13/09/2020 07:22

Your intentions were loving and kind but she’s too old for you to be arranging her social life for her, like others say. It’s one thing making a general enquiry on Facebook but quite another to have contact with a random girl you don’t know, thinking she can be your dd’s new friend. Who is this girl? You have no idea!

Too much involvement mum.

Brainfogmcfogface · 13/09/2020 07:29

I think the intention was lovely, and totally understand, it’s something I’d want to do (but never would) in your situation, especially it with the guilt and worry for her mental health, having a social life is important, but, no, just no, being sixteen and having your mum do that would be mortifying for me, my toes were curling as I read it. Instead of doing it yourself get your daughter to make those posts if she really wants to, she’s not a baby, she knows how online life works, if she was really wanting to make friends she would be able to come up with something I’m sure.

Aneley · 13/09/2020 07:44

I can understand the desire to help your DD, but I am afraid PPs who say you overstepped are right. Think about what you're teaching her? Mummy will take care of it all - including your social life?

It would have been much better if you suggested to her to make a post asking about scouts and such groups and encouraged her to find ideas online on her own. You could have advised her to do a search on Facebook about local groups that gather on a basis of some common interest - like pets or books... Also, if she likes dogs, you could suggest that she looks local dog-walking options (dogs are great conversation starters) or join BorrowMyDoggy.

Russellbrandshair · 13/09/2020 08:01

@Bluntness100

So do we completely step back when our kids grow older

No you find the right approach. She herself could have posted on face book.

There comes a time when you guide, not do it for them.

All this basically. She’s 17 not 5. If you do everything for her how on earth is she going to learn actual life skills? Do you go to job interviews on her behalf too?- no? Then can you see how inappropriate this is, even though your intentions were good. There are lots of resources online about how to increase your social network and friendship group. You’d be better off directing her to develop her own social skills so she can make her own friends. This will benefit her far far more for the future than trying to orchestrate her life for her. You need to step back and encourage her to develop her own skills.
YoBeaches · 13/09/2020 08:10

Could she get a part time job? Great way to make friends not just school/college.

RubyAberdeen · 13/09/2020 08:18

I'm 51 & my Mum still can't get a grip on that. It's fucking annoying and end up landing me in really embarrassing situations

As someone who’s mum still grabs her hand when we go to cross a road, I would love to hear more about this!

RubyAberdeen · 13/09/2020 08:19

OP I feel for you. I would have been so tempted to do the same thing. But agree it’s embarrassing for a teen to have their mum post that on Facebook.

sashh · 13/09/2020 08:38

She is your baby and you want to make her life the best it can be, but she is 17 and needs to do something for herself.

You said she didn't want to do drama, has she considered that drama clubs need people to operate lights, sound, stage dressing and wardrobe? All the skills that can be used for a Saturday job in a theatre when they reopen.

Does she like animals? Lots of people have got dogs during lockdown and are now finding they don't have time to walk / play with them.

Dog walking would get her out of the house, get her some pocket money and everyone talks to someone walking a dog or two.

villamariavintrapp · 13/09/2020 08:45

I think sending the messages etc was a good idea, but she needed to do it, not you. Now all that has happened is that you've been messaging a 16 year old scout, and she still has no one.

Mincingfuckdragon2 · 13/09/2020 08:46

OP, you obviously love your daughter and want to do the right thing by her, and you need to accept you cant just step in and 'fix' the issue. It just doesn't work like that. Sorry Flowers. I hope she finds some friends soon.

BewilderedDoughnut · 13/09/2020 09:22

Mortifying behaviour!! 😳

Original poster
coffeelover3 · 13/09/2020 09:33

*There's lots of animal sanctuaries in and around Birmingham, Dudley zoo, Birmingham wildlife reserve, Middleton Lakes RSPB reserve.

Friends of black country living museum

Netherton water reservoir where they do fresh water swimming/sailing/water skiing

Quite a few rambling clubs in the area who have still been getting together (but may be on hold for the next fortnight)

Young rotary/roteract*

Thanks so much cakemadeofruit, but those places are all closed :(

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeelover3 · 13/09/2020 09:35

Russelbrandshair

There are lots of resources online about how to increase your social network and friendship group.

Do you know what they are?

She's not on facebook - she says none of her friends use it, it's only for "old" people! I've said this to her, but she doesn't know where to start or where to look (and I don't either)

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeelover3 · 13/09/2020 09:36

PS she has excellent social skills - better than me!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeelover3 · 13/09/2020 09:42

PS we have our own dog and dd has been faithfully bringing him out every day since March but has never chatted to anyone or bumped into teens her own age - like she says you cant just start talking to people on the street

OP posts:
hardboiledeggs · 13/09/2020 09:57

Your intentions were good and I understand you wanted to help but I would be angry and embarrassed if my mum did that.