Am I "weird" to do this for dd - she says I am

[coffeelover3]

so we moved to a new area back in March and dd aged 16 nearly 17 hasn't made a single friend here. of course no school, no clubs, no opportunity to meet people her age. She started college last week, but just one day, and they have 2 days next week I think. But are encouraged not to 'hang out' after class. She is very down. So I put up a post on f/b in a local group asking what teens round here did, and what could she do/join to make friends. Scouts came up - so I emailed, and she was all set to go next Friday, but just heard from the leader that all meet ups are suspended cos of covid - we in B/ham so have gone into 'mini lockdown'. Meanwhile, a girl messaged me privately on f/b and said she was in the scouts, and she would chat to dd, she seemed really nice, she said 'tell her to msg me, I would be friends with anyone' - she had a very nice/normal f/book page, so I got excited and I messaged her and then I got DD and she (reluctantly) gave me her Instagram to give to the girl. The girl then followed her, and they had a very short convo on insta. Given that things are so bad, and it's so hard to meet people, I've said to DD she should message her again, and try and make friends, but DD wont as she says it's too embarrassing, that it makes her look like a loser :( She's currently crying her eyes out that she doesn't know anyone. I don't know what I can do really. She's managed up to now with her old friends on video calls and messages, but they are back at school now, and everyone's busy IUKWIM. I feel so sorry for her, but helpless.

Give her some money to go get her nails done. Tell her if she sees someone in there around her age getting them done and they look approachable get her to ask what colour they are going for

she hates sport and all team sports :( I thought about that. DS is getting on great as he's in a football team.

she doesn't have any nails lol but yeah if anyone has any suggestions TIA :)

But she doesn't know what to do to make friends, you cant just walk up to someone on the street and say hi.

I really do understand that you want to help her and "fix" this, but as a mum of now adult children, I'm telling you honestly that you need to back off. Be supportive, be her shoulder to cry on, but let her figure out her own life.

YANBU.

Whilst she may be cringing now (understandably) it may even develop into a friendship.

Or at the very least it's taught her when she's older that it's ok to reach out to strangers. It's ok to ask for support. A very valuable life lesson for all ages.

Could you maybe start a separate post, on MN, stating your general area and asking if anyone knows of any groups for her age that are welcoming new members?
Does her College have any new groups/meet new friends/ meet your classmates type things? I suggest this as my DD started at a new university (overseas) last week and although all classes are online until at least January, she has met up for coffee with three of the girls she met in one of these classes.

PS I did ask her babyroobs. I asked her was it ok to put up a post on the local f/b page asking what 16/17 years olds did around here, and said we recently moved to the area, and dd wanted to meet friends her own age

Perhaps your daughter should get a job. That's a great way to meet people. She should also start driving lessons.

Thanks leeds2. That's a good idea.

You did your best, and the scout girl sounds nice. When DD calms down she might reconsider.

I suggested a job but she doesn't think she will meet anyone her own age? I suggested the local supermarket, or local shops, but she said the serving staff are all old. I don't think they are, but didn't want to push it too much.

Driving lessons - yes maybe for her birthday - but that doesn't help her make friends does it?

I have a dd of the same age, and an older one.

Both would probably have had the same reaction as your dd, and wouldn't have even made the initial contact.

But I know that if they had done the initial contact, and pushed through a little they would probably make quite nice friends. Both of them find making friends online easier in person. Dd1 in particular, finds it much easier to get to know people in a WhatsApp group, and then she feels she can talk in person. She's so much less shy that way.

Youth groups can still (currently) go ahead, so you could see if there's any meeting.

Sometimes our children need to be pushed a little, op. For as much as you want to help her, she is well old enough to take some responsibility for herself. Some things take effort, and only she can put that effort in. As for the job situation, she's wrong and you know it. She could also waitress.

Op similar situation here but DD is only 11. It's very hard to know how best to help

@Aquamarine1029

Sometimes our children need to be pushed a little, op. For as much as you want to help her, she is well old enough to take some responsibility for herself. Some things take effort, and only she can put that effort in. As for the job situation, she's wrong and you know it. She could also waitress.

Yeah cisctestsutants are fun off their feet in Brum right now

@coffeelover3 Posting asking about clubs was fine (at a push) but the rest was far too much. You absolutely need to start seeing her an an independent person. It's not about norms caring or not helping her, but it's about understanding she's her own person.

I'm 51 & my Mum still can't get a grip on that. It's fucking annoying and end up landing me in really embarrassing situations

You had really lovely intentions and it must be so difficult for teenagers making friends during covid. She might not make friends quickly but at least she can have some social interaction for her mental health through a job or a volunteering position. At least those things will add to her CV. Team sports are perfect for an instant group of friends, that and the church but if she’s not into either of those things then making friends will take time.

I think you went too far.

I also think you have overlooked the fact that people online can say anything they like about themselves in order to entice others into situations where they are in over their heads. 'I have a lonely teenage daughter' is like red meat to predators. Stop encouraging your DD to give SM access to people she doesn't know at all.

Listen closely to the negativity your DD is expressing, and ask yourself why she can't keep up with old friends online. Old friends back at school and all of them too busy to keep in touch doesn't sound right to me.

Maybe a counsellor would be a good idea? She sounds a little depressed.

Way too helicopter-y.

Could she get a weekend job? I had one at that age and I loved it. I had loads of friends from work and it really set me up for life to be in a different environment from school, interacting with lots of people and learning skills like customer service. Very useful in the early job hunting years where you need to be able to do anything.

I can see why she'd be a bit embarrassed BUT she can't have it both ways. She doesn't get to refuse to message someone who's open to building a friendship AND spend hours crying over not having any friends there!

Giver her chance to have her say to you for overstepping then point out to her that she's stopping herself from potentially having the one thing she wants.

Sorry cross posted. Well if she won’t get a job that’s her lookout I suppose. I was desperate to start earning money and just went out and did it. You can’t force her to do anything and helping her is cringe.

My dad did something sort of similar when I was young. I started secondary school and chose to go to the one my dad taught at rather than the regular catchment school. I have always been a loner, but dad didn’t want to see me alone. He had a first year form class - so my peers. He asked the nice girls if they could invite me to join them at lunch. They did, but I was too shy to accept. When dad told me he’d asked them, it just made me not trust friendly advances from anyone cause I didn’t know if it was genuine or just them being nice cause dad asked them to. He admits that it was a big mistake. But it put me in a position where I felt like even more of a massive loser than I already was!

You sound lovely but yes you need to leave your daughter to it.
Just be the best friend you can to her in the meantime, lots of movies, doing things she likes etc

Aw bless. My mum arranged a playdate for me when I started secondary school. It was super awkward but made a friend for life. 16 is pushing it but your heart is in the right place.

I left home at a similar age and even if the internet had existed I wouldn’t have reacted well at my Mum getting involved with my social life, let alone effectively arranging play dates!

Your DD almost (& probably considers herself if my 16 year old is anything to go by..) an adult, I doubt the very well intentioned but undoubtedly a bit odd girl who has messaged is unlikely to be her cup of tea. Give it time, step away & let her find her own people. What you did was excruciating even if it came from the right place, but for her sake do back off!