The mess is making me suicidal

[Whyme21]

I have a non verbal autistic child who is relentless in their destructive behaviour.He constantly, constantly throws things to the floor,no matter what the item may be.Cups,dishes off the rack,any item on the fireplace, plates with food on a table ,if you can pick it up and throw it he will.He wipes his hands everywhere,digs into his underwear when he can and smears contents of his nappy.Hes 10 years old. There is no distracting him,no teaching him new behaviour, no stopping him really.He goes from room to room and destroys everything in his wake. Clothes ironed or pulled up are thrown down,bedsheets pulled off constantly. He wont play with toys,doesn't like the iPad or telly,just enjoys destroying and messing the house up.

I can't describe how stressful this is,I never get to sit down as he doesnt sit down.im constantly counting down the hours waiting to give him his medication for bedtime so I can then continue to pick up,wipe up for hours after he sleeps.Hes at SN school during the day and even before he goes will have wrecked where hes been in the house.Then hes home and it starts all over again.Its like this every single day.
Its no life.im living hell on earth with my own child.Hes become my jailer and torturer through no fault of his own.
Anybody have any suggestions?I'm at my wits end.
I posted here for some replies and help as I've never had response from SN boards.

No advice but bumping this post for you - I'm so sorry and really hope something can change for you.

No advice I'm afraid but sending love to you both.

Can I ask what is the long term prognosis? What level of care will he require care all his life?

Didn’t want to read and run. When I worked with children like this some also had respite care outside of school. Could you get something like that set up to lift the burden a little?

This sounds awful to say. But is there no institution or residential school which will take him? You could visit regularly. I dont know how you cope x

Does his doctor know how difficult and destructive he is?
Can you put some locks on doors so he can’t access all of the rooms?
This sounds very stressful & exhausting.

can you get any respite care for a couple of days / nights a week? Does the council make provision for that kind of thing? sounds really tough, i hope you are getting all the support you could get.

My heart goes out to you @Whyme21. I'm so sorry I have no experience and can't offer any help but I hope someone else can. It sounds so hard. But he needs you. Please do all you can to get help for you both (easy for me to say, I know).

Christ Almighty, I can only imagine how stressful your life must be. Do you have any family support (partner, parents etc) or is it just you? Do you get any respite at all apart from school.

I hate to ask as it might be an incredibly insensitive question, but is residential care an option for him? My friend eventually had to do this for her 18 yo son as he was just too big for her to physically cope with.

Just another message of support. There has to be more out there to give you a rest from this relentless work for you. Sending strength. As others have suggested there may be provision which helps you.

I'm so sorry. Did you post a week or two ago? There was another mother sounding as desperate as you. It must be unsufferable.

Do you have any respite care? Please contact your GP or social worker and explain how distressing you are finding it. Is there any form of containing him to a space eg 2 rooms so at least you can contain the destruction? And have a separate room in the evening you can sit in that is nice and calm, eg your bedroom that has been triple locked closed?

In your shoes I feel I would certainly be considering some form of residential respite

That sounds so hard. You sound badly in need of a break - have you looked into the possibility?

@Whyme21

Have you looked in to getting some leotards/unitards?

You can use something like this and layer on top when it's cold.

www.amazon.co.uk/Mufeng-Sleeves-Biketard-Gymnastics-Turquoise/dp/B089GPJVT3/ref=mp_s_a_1_2_sspa?dchild=1&psc=1&keywords=boys%2Bleotards&th=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyWFcxTk1MTTlIR0lCJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwODA0NjgzM0pGNUVWU09FNDZKSCZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUExMDI0NTE0MTFHQVVOSzJOQUgzRiZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX3Bob25lX3NlYXJjaF9hdGYmYWN0aW9uPWNsaWNrUmVkaXJlY3QmZG9Ob3RMb2dDbGljaz10cnVl&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1599851391&sr=8-2-spons

It should help stop the smearing.

Also is there any way to tire him out? Maybe a trampoline? Have you tried YouTube kids on a tablet? He might find choosing his own videos to watch more interesting than if you put something on for him, and I think it's very SN friendly since they just tap the image.

As for mess it's difficult.

Have you seen these?

www.amazon.co.uk/Munchkin-Miracle-Parent-White-Green/dp/B07HZMMZ2N/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=munchkin+360+parent&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1599851683&sr=8-1

I would also suggest using a plastic plate and adding food as he finishes. It might be easier to try this with finger foods without sauce.

Can further calming medication be investigated for your child to take? It must be completely exhausting for both of you.

On a practical level can you lock some rooms so your son can't access them to trash them before school?

I know this doesn't solve much.

Have you ever seen occupational therapy for sensory diets?

Have you asked for a socail care assessment?

How would feel about a waking day curriculum with boarding?

My son has ASD. I moved him out of state SEN into independent SEN school. He boards one night a week. I also had to really battle for a disability socail worker

Hi, this sounds incredibly hard op. Are you aware that you are a parent carer and entitled by law to have an assessment of your own needs? You should be able to access support and a break from caring for your son when needed X

Whyme21
I have been there. My eldest is severely autistic and at that age was obsessed with beads and other items that would be thrown all over the floor. He would pour cereal onto the floor, flood the bathroom, tear up furnishings etc etc. In the end I cracked. I told my partner that if we didn't get either respite or residential school, I would leave. We fought hard for a weekly boarding placement at a specialist school. It was not the end of the story but it did give me some respite and the strength to carry on. There is only so much that a person can cope with. I really do recommend that you consider it.

I should also say that his dad was very against any residential but once it had been achieved, the relief was immense. We still had our son at weekends and school holidays but we had a break to be normal and stress free. I honestly think I might not be here if it hadn't happened. I feel like I have lived on high alert for years; it is hard to describe what that does to your health and general well being.

Hi @Whyme21 what sort of suggestions are you wanting? Are you wanting day to day practical advice or advice about services you could utilise?

I think firstly you need to think about what level of input you want. There are services out there but I understand how difficult it is to access them. Do you have an allocated social worker? They are probably the best starting point to tell you what is available locally.
You could consider respite, IME respite helps some families as it gives something to aim for and knowing there is going to be a regular break helps.
You could consider residential care, such as 52 week residential schooling. Places like this have full teams on site such as behaviour therapy, SALT, psychology etc and you can visit or have your son for overnights at home. Again IME this helps families as the time spent together becomes quality time not everyday struggles.

I would fight for residential school or a lot of respite.

How mentally and physically draining for you. I really bet your exhausted. 😩

I don't know if at 10 he can get residential care or qualify for it.we have limited social care respite, even this is not a given as I've found it hard to find someone for him who is the right fit and I feel like when they come it's pointless as he wont go out with them. He seems to want me and is affectionate but roughly so,he grabs me hard ,hurts me,pulls me all day long.

Can you lock one room that can be just yours and yours alone so you have some head space and space for yourself

@cansu what age was your son when this happened?its so very hard.im torn with my love for him and my devastation at our situation.

Rooms in the house have locks but my younger son(nt)leaves them open ,forgetting as a child does,hes only 7.

He has a disabilities social team involved,hes at a SN school so we are involved with the right people,but even then its not enough.im on the waiting list for a safe space bed.if I lock him in a room for even 5 minutes,he smashes on the walls the windows and screams non stop.