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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The mess is making me suicidal

112 replies

Whyme21 · 11/09/2020 20:04

I have a non verbal autistic child who is relentless in their destructive behaviour.He constantly, constantly throws things to the floor,no matter what the item may be.Cups,dishes off the rack,any item on the fireplace, plates with food on a table ,if you can pick it up and throw it he will.He wipes his hands everywhere,digs into his underwear when he can and smears contents of his nappy.Hes 10 years old. There is no distracting him,no teaching him new behaviour, no stopping him really.He goes from room to room and destroys everything in his wake. Clothes ironed or pulled up are thrown down,bedsheets pulled off constantly. He wont play with toys,doesn't like the iPad or telly,just enjoys destroying and messing the house up.

I can't describe how stressful this is,I never get to sit down as he doesnt sit down.im constantly counting down the hours waiting to give him his medication for bedtime so I can then continue to pick up,wipe up for hours after he sleeps.Hes at SN school during the day and even before he goes will have wrecked where hes been in the house.Then hes home and it starts all over again.Its like this every single day.
Its no life.im living hell on earth with my own child.Hes become my jailer and torturer through no fault of his own.
Anybody have any suggestions?I'm at my wits end.
I posted here for some replies and help as I've never had response from SN boards.

OP posts:
LittleBrownBaby · 11/09/2020 23:49

Just to say I'm sorry it's so hard. You're doing brilliantly x

Legoandloldolls · 11/09/2020 23:58

Abandonedment can also result in child protection. Unless your at that point for real. With other kids in the house threats of CP is utterly terrifying.

It's a extremely thin line and one wrong word can cross you over that line. CP case when your on your knees isnt fun.

I phoned Mash in the end. It wasnt easy, opened a can of worms and I really had to stand my ground. I'm not sure it's a good idea to go into details here but OP offer is there if you want a chat.

Embracelife · 12/09/2020 00:08

Respite care
Respite care
Respite care

My ds had overnight respite care from age 10.
You havs to ask.
You have to hand over your child just as you do for school even if the "fit" is not 100% give it a chance.

If you feel you might kill him or you go to a and e wirh him they will arrange emergency foster care placement.

Call duty social worker children with disabilities .
You can call duty social worker tonight via your council switchboard if you cannot cope. They can arrange emegency care and you can seek help for yourr mh

Embracelife · 12/09/2020 00:13

And remember that residential school may just be the best for your dc for the structure. Fresh well slept carers
Respite care and residential school is not givjing up it s looking for best option for child and family
Respite centres aNd residential school can give fantastic opportunities for dc with complex needs to learn and grow. My ds gained a lot. Now luves in supported living with 24/7 support. And i czn see him when i wish ( covid petmitting)

happystone · 12/09/2020 00:38

Sorry to hear how hard this is.you can get locks to put on cupboard doors restricted access to rooms by locking door all in one suit to stop your son accessing contents of pad.having mineral items in house.ask for advice from school regarding sensory ball trampoline etc. Explain to school your suition they will have ideas and agency’s they can put you in contact with.I really hope you get help and support soon

cansu · 12/09/2020 09:16

Whyme21
He was 15 when he started in residential but I should have done it sooner. His dad was so against it that he always vetoed any discussion of it even though our ds was a day pupil at a specialist school that offered weekly boarding. He had overnight respite from around aged 12. People coming to take my ds out did not work for us either. They were not really skilled enough and they just didn't know him. By the time my son went to weekly boarding, I can quite honestly say I was broken. My ds was destroying our house. He was up in the middle of the night doing all sorts. We had put locks on our other child's door so she could feel safe. I slept with our door open so I could get up if I heard him in the night. There are some great residential schools out there. One that I have heard good things about is Priors Court. It was too far from me and my ds was already settled at his current school that offered weekly boarding. I would give it a look.

RandomMess · 12/09/2020 19:52

I just want to send you ThanksThanks

Your DC deserve a happy joyful Mum that has the energy to enjoy spending time with them. In residential school he will have excellent carers that get to go home and recharge.

They deserve you at your best, not broken and exhausted because you can't cope anymore.

Anyone that judges has not even done a day being you in your shoes.

RettyPriddle · 12/09/2020 20:07

I’d speak to your social worker and headteacher on Monday. You will have to push to be heard. Couldn’t Occupational Therapy help with the bed? Also you should be eligible for a Disability Facilities Grant to create a safe environment for him. My friend had a child with similar behaviour and she went through all the options, including residential weekend respite. In the end she went to tribunal to get a place ar a residential school. Her son was younger than yours. Sadly, you have to make a fuss to get any help. It sounds so draining.i feel for you.

ChooksAndBooks · 12/09/2020 20:08

Praying for you and your family OP. Some really good advice on here.x

Dee1975 · 12/09/2020 20:09

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice either. But sending you hugs. What I can tell you is that it sounds like you are doing an amazing job and are an amazing parent. You are a true super star x

Original poster
Whyme21 · 12/09/2020 20:26

Thank you for replying everyone means so much,I've got some good advice here.i like my home and having it look nice and enjoy having nice things in it,the thought of packing it all away having bare rooms,especially the living space it's just soul destroying as its another thing that Autism has claimed in our lives.we are already so limited in where and what we can do due to my sons needs and spending so much time home I try make it nice as possible for all of us.i know it's another thing I will have to accept.its just hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyme21 · 12/09/2020 20:30

@cansu theres not ones close to me,closest one is 80 miles away,that's just so far.i can tell you struggled,it must have been so hard for you.my son is destructive but also very toddler like and his innocence sometimes takes my breath away.i feel it's going to be a decision I take one day,just now I'm not ready.

OP posts:
x2boys · 12/09/2020 20:34

Yes it is and there should be far more respite available ,my son is 10 too and has severe autism and learning disabilities , unfortunately every bit of help you get you have to fight for ime,I have to put locks on all my cupboard,s ,he does sleep though which I'm eternally grateful for.

ravensoaponarope · 12/09/2020 20:46

I am so sorry.
With all the destructive behaviour he is probably trying to meet his sensory needs- have you read this book? It has good ideas for sensory alternatives:
www.stasspublications.co.uk/publications/its-an-autism-thing-ill-help-you-understand

ravensoaponarope · 12/09/2020 20:49

This article is on smearing and might help?
autisticate.com/category/contributor/

x2boys · 12/09/2020 20:58

Have you had any help with toileting Op ? Trust me I know how hard it is my ten year old still wears pull ups ,however he was making huge strides. With his self care and toileting before lock down with a lot of help from school and the disabilities team , unfortunately we went a bit backwards with him being off for six months but I'm hopeful now he's back at school we can get him back to where he was and using the toilet independently

Original poster
Whyme21 · 12/09/2020 21:04

@x2boys hi there.no my sons nowhere near using the toilet,I've been trying on and off since he was 2!school have been trying too.any suggestions advice?many thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyme21 · 12/09/2020 21:05

@ravensoaponarope thank you will have a look at the links.

OP posts:
x2boys · 12/09/2020 21:28

Hi op I started off just taking him and giving him lots of praise at first he wouldn't even go in the bathroom ,but after taking him consistently for months he started weeing on the toilet ,first thing in the morning ,is the best time IME ,and lots of treats to go ,it's really hard but consistency does work but believe me I know how hard it is ,we are now at the stage where I send him to school with underpants over his pull up and they take his pull up off at school and take him through out the day we have lots of toileting strips with PECS under pants down have a wee under pants up etc ,I'm sure your son can learn it just takes an awful lot of time .

Embracelife · 12/09/2020 21:59

My non verbal ASD ds toilet trained age 10 but it was very intensive and i had help from great home care
team
Get your respite carers in place first.

You need help.
Or get him into residential placement. They will hsve the training and faCilities
Any NAS schools near with boarding?

80 miles away is less than two hours away

it is totally feasible for weekly boarding.

Look into it.

You cannot continue and you have to be open to exploring all avenues which will be good for him .

You have to be ready to let your ds attend respite and go and stay overnight for his benefit snd yours. It is hard. The first night they away is hard.
But
He isnt a toddler and will soon grow into a teen .

Depending on genetics is he likely to grow tall and strong?

x2boys · 12/09/2020 22:09

Good advice @Embracelife whilst I don't want to consider residential school or even over night care yet ,I wouldn't judge anyone who does ,it's very personal and nobody ever makes a decision easily I'm sure I will have to consider it in years to come ,I just wish there was more respite .

Emeraldshamrock · 12/09/2020 22:27

It is awful there isn't more respite for you all. ❤
I hope you're feeling a little better today OP.

Embracelife · 12/09/2020 22:44

If you wont permit your child to do do overnight then insist on more daytime respite hours.maybe someone to come to your house til bedtime.

But a typical child will do overnights with relatives or friends.
Why shouldnt our disabled kids have that experience thru specialist services?

It can be surprising... they benefit a lot...they cope much better than we think and when you get used to it you learn to relax.

And you have to demand respite to protect your and other family members long term mentsl and physical health . If you can hand over your child to school you can build up to longer and overnights.

And if you do break down or get sick or other emergency then far better they already know the back up plan and have got to know a respite place they can go to... than suddenly with people they do not know.

Get onto ss.
Look at local offer
It takes time to find the respite e g match up with shared lives or residential...and to work up from tea visits to 24 hours.
In meantime get more hours to haVe respite carers in your home who can do one to one with your child?

Reality is you dont want to be in total crisis..you want to plan because you just cannot do 24/7 care on your own . And longer term the child grows into teen and adult. Get them used to being out with carers from young outside school hours
Get yourself used to it.
You can ask for direct payments to manage carers yourself or ask ss to provide via agency.

If you have other children get onto siblings and young carer groups.

Embracelife · 12/09/2020 22:48

X2boys what does local offer say? What is there? What have you asked for?
What hours do you get?
(P.s. it was always other parents who informed oh my ds goes to this place or that etc...ask around) What does respite look like to you?

SheeshazAZ09 · 13/09/2020 07:37

Residential care is the answer. Friend of mine was in same situation and placing her son in residential was best thing for her and son. Son is doing far better with specialist help.