The mess is making me suicidal

[Whyme21]

I have a non verbal autistic child who is relentless in their destructive behaviour.He constantly, constantly throws things to the floor,no matter what the item may be.Cups,dishes off the rack,any item on the fireplace, plates with food on a table ,if you can pick it up and throw it he will.He wipes his hands everywhere,digs into his underwear when he can and smears contents of his nappy.Hes 10 years old. There is no distracting him,no teaching him new behaviour, no stopping him really.He goes from room to room and destroys everything in his wake. Clothes ironed or pulled up are thrown down,bedsheets pulled off constantly. He wont play with toys,doesn't like the iPad or telly,just enjoys destroying and messing the house up.

I can't describe how stressful this is,I never get to sit down as he doesnt sit down.im constantly counting down the hours waiting to give him his medication for bedtime so I can then continue to pick up,wipe up for hours after he sleeps.Hes at SN school during the day and even before he goes will have wrecked where hes been in the house.Then hes home and it starts all over again.Its like this every single day.
Its no life.im living hell on earth with my own child.Hes become my jailer and torturer through no fault of his own.
Anybody have any suggestions?I'm at my wits end.
I posted here for some replies and help as I've never had response from SN boards.

Hi OP, not completely the same but my almost 4 year old has sensory processing disorder and she literally dismantles the house. It drives me absolutely crackers. This isn’t like your usual toddler making a mess, it is something very very different. I can’t really put it into words but it’s just endless rummaging in everything. You turn round and she’s smearing toothpaste out, clear that up and by the time you have all your shoes are strewn all round the house. I’ve lost it a few times and shudder about it because I feel like I’m being abusive - the exhaustion of another bag you’ve packed for the day being taken out and strewn around the house combined with the idea that this might be happening for the rest of your life is just overwhelming.

So my only tip is accept that this happens and baby proof and deClutter to the extreme. In the lounge we have nothing apart from tv (high up) sofa and cushions. No toys upstairs, no picture frames at a height she can touch, bedside draws all empty. Not that many clothes in her wardrobe and wash regularly, so if she empties It there’s not much to tidy away. Locks on kitchen cupboards, not that many toys - you probably don’t need as many as you have. Things in the bathroom are high up and out away. I have a stairgate to the living area so I can keep her in an area and she can’t wonder round the house messing it up. Things like school shoes /school bags are kept high up on a work surface or Shelf thing so that when they come home they go there and are still there in the morning.

It sounds pretty joyless and I look round at everything high up and wonder if we will ever be able to keep things in normal places but know it’s better for everyone If we aren’t just endlessly picking up things she’s pulled apart. Every time you clear something away just think ‘do I need this and if so, where out of reach can it go?’

I hope this helps.

@TheSoapyFrog - ha, practically the same post at the same time!

Hugs to you this is no life,

Simply cannot imagine how hard this must be for you. I get that you struggle with the thought of him being away from you because you love him, but because you love him, you need some time away from him. Because what good will you be to him if you leave, crack up etc. Although it may take time, he might form a bond with a particular carer. This scenario reminds me of the advice on the plane about putting your own oxygen mask on before you help others. Your son's need you to take care of yourself in order to take care of them. A night away might also give you some quality time with your youngest son. In the meanwhile all that I can suggest is locking as much stuff away as possible. Also, would a pet help relieve his anxiety? Or even a life like toy/robotic one? You can get some life-like looking ones that you put on the end of your bed and they just very gently breathe, purr and sleep. I bought one for my friends autistic son and it apparently helped him at night a little bit.

Honestly OP I think you should consider a residential school. He needs an outlet for his emotions and the scope to explore his environment and pretty much constant supervision and I just dont see any way that could be provided full time in a family home. However much you love him what you describe is unsustainable.

You are braver than me as I couldn’t cope with the endless groundhog day existence, mess and no hope of improvement - I would look to full time care in a residential specialist setting where I and family could visit. Unless you have your home set up with his own areas and he is kept out of the rest you will never be able to control the messes. Plus extra carers 24/7!

Demand that you need help or you will need to consider requesting social services steps in, i know 2 people who have done this and it didn't affect their other child, in one case they got residential school m-f, the other got 2 nights per week respite.

With toys, if you have loft space/another place to store things, would rotating them every couple of weeks be a viable option so you didn't have many out to get turned into mess?

I agree that unfortunately it seems as though minimalism is going to be the only way.

Depending on the size of your house I would select one or two rooms to have exactly as you want them. You have the only key and no one, not even the seven year old, can go in without you.

I'd then select a room or two to child proof as completely as possible. Washable flooring, washable paint, cupboards locked shut, no curtains, nothing on shelves. Maybe speakers/TV high enough that they are out of reach? And other things your son likes. Other rooms could then be minimalist with locked cupboards etc but not so bare as to make you feel miserable? If the seven year old then didn't lock a room like that it wouldn't be a catastrophe, and you'd still have somewhere you could go afterwards?

That way you wouldn't feel the entire house was trashed as well.

Agreed that more respite sounds essential, but it's so hard to find the strength to push and argue and arrange when you're already at breaking point.

You need to contact social services as you absolutely need immediate help and support. Video his behaviour so that health professionals are under no illusion about what is going on. Know this - you are courageous beyond words and really hope that you get some help so that you can both live a life that is worth living. Hugs x

@Goodnightelizabethwalton^^

‘You are braver than me as I couldn’t cope with the endless groundhog day existence, mess and no hope of improvement‘

It’s not bravery - there’s no choice so you have to go on. You would cope because there isn’t another choice. Sending your child to live somewhere else isn’t just like sending them to their grandparents house and it’s not something any parent would do lightly.

Please don’t say ‘I couldn’t cope’ as advice as it’s not or empathy. If you were in this situation you would probably be doing exactly as the OP is.

I'm sorry life is so difficult for you. I hope you find some outside support.

It sounds to me like you're doing an amazing job and I really applaud you. It must be beyond hard. I hope you get some support and get some respite.

Good god, love, I'm so sorry. This sounds... I can't even describe how awful. Your poor thing.

I've no advice at all because I just don't have the experience with people who have ASD and additional needs, but I wanted to say that your needs matter too OP, and your feelings are completely valid.

Some great people giving advice on here for you. I can imagine it's a battle but for your sake OP please fight the battle so that you can get the care you need too.

OP, my goodness. You sound strong but at breaking point. Some food advice on this thread, I truly hope it gets better for you

You are exhausted and burned out and you need at least some respite.
There is some great advice on here. I can't add anything except to express my sympathy.

Your post brought back memories of when I babysat for my Mothers friend . Her dc had severe brain damage caused by birth injury. The child was non verbal and did not respond to directions except anything related to food.
The whole downstairs of the friends house was as bare as possible. Only a 3 piece suite and Heavy Tv in a cabinet in the living room. All of the 'ornaments' on the mantle piece were plastic . The DC loved to swipe all surfaces of objects so she could have this activity while not damaging anything.Curtains were hung with a simple wire that could be replaced easily if pulled down.
What astounded me was that the Dc had a metal hospital cot - with 4 high sides which were tied up and there was a type of cargo net slung over the top.
Once the DC was in bed -and surprisingly she went to bed well -she wasnt able to get out herself until release by the parent. As she grew bigger and stronger her bed was put downstairs in the dining room so that she could be observed during the evening. The parents took turns in sleeping downstairs to be on hand when she woke and needed attention.
When that became unsustainable she had to go to a permanent care placement.

Op this must push you to breaking point. And yes of course you love him. The bigger picture is that residential care Monday to Friday could be just what you all need to thrive and be happier.

I agree with everyone who says you will need to fight for a residential placement. You can’t go on like this - you will have a breakdown and both your kids will end up in care.

And it’s not fair on your 7yo - social services owe him and you a duty of care.

Social workers will do nothing if they think you are coping right now, you need to make a hell of a fuss to get anything I’m afraid.

You need to act now - it doesn't happen over night. And your son is only going to get bigger and stronger .

I agree with at least considering residential care. I think you need to emphasize how it's affecting your younger sons childhood and your own health.

OP if you want to PM me on here I can tell you how we got out of state into indi SEN as it has more scope for overnight care.

It doesnt have to mean full boarding. Ours is one night a week. Normally, unfortunately that means a appeal. However not in my case but I was in highly unusual circumstances and told my LA to take me to appeal as would win hands down. They knew that was true so basically no appeal.

The other option is tell SS honestly your entering a phase where it's not sustainable and you be looking into residentlly care or fostering. Most LAs have no fostering capacity and its £250k pa for care.

Overnight respite will them look more appealing purely on cost.

Neither was easy. I wont lie. But it's not about being brave is it? It's about lack of options.

Theres a onesie that buttons down the back to stop disabled children smearing nappy contents. Have you asked his teacher & school for ideas, as an ex teacher I'm sure they'd help: you sound at breaking point. Will he colour? Or watch kids TV or a cartoon ? Maybe sweep the room ornaments / plants into a small basket & put behind the sofa or on a high shelf in the room before he gets home. (Baby gate or put locks on other rooms ).That way when he's in bed you get the basket down & put the nice decor bits back.

This sounds awful and very difficult. Like others I suggest residential care where you can visit him. A close friend of mine whom I have known almost all of my life has a younger sister in residential care and it has been so beneficial to thier mother. It's not cruel or heartless, infact their widowed mother cared for her child until she was 19 but the truth is there comes a point where children become adults. One day your son will be bigger than you (and with boys it could only be 4 or 5 years away). You wont be able to lift him, move him away from things and he could harm you. It wouldnt be a safe or loving environment for either of you. With him in residential care you can maintain that love for your son, it would be awful for you to become afraid of him or to resent him.

No you have absolutely no idea wether you could cope or not @Goodnightelizabethwalton ,untill you have been in that situation you haven't a clue! Op I get it I have a severely Autistic non verbal ten year old too it's hard work and there is little respite available ,all those blase suggesting residential placements ,whilst it might be the best option for some people ,but it's not a decision any parent takes lightly ,and it's certainly not easy to get .

I work with adults with a disability and I would support any parent to put forward a case for residential care. Get reports, records,incidents and put together a proposal. I’ve know families who have “ abandoned” their children in A and E or to the Acute Admissions Unit and then the local Health Board have had to find a service for them. It’s very dramatic and sad but it can produce an outcome . I’ve found that successful outcomes only happen after families cease to provide support. I’m so sorry for the situation you find yourself in x