The mess is making me suicidal

[Whyme21]

I have a non verbal autistic child who is relentless in their destructive behaviour.He constantly, constantly throws things to the floor,no matter what the item may be.Cups,dishes off the rack,any item on the fireplace, plates with food on a table ,if you can pick it up and throw it he will.He wipes his hands everywhere,digs into his underwear when he can and smears contents of his nappy.Hes 10 years old. There is no distracting him,no teaching him new behaviour, no stopping him really.He goes from room to room and destroys everything in his wake. Clothes ironed or pulled up are thrown down,bedsheets pulled off constantly. He wont play with toys,doesn't like the iPad or telly,just enjoys destroying and messing the house up.

I can't describe how stressful this is,I never get to sit down as he doesnt sit down.im constantly counting down the hours waiting to give him his medication for bedtime so I can then continue to pick up,wipe up for hours after he sleeps.Hes at SN school during the day and even before he goes will have wrecked where hes been in the house.Then hes home and it starts all over again.Its like this every single day.
Its no life.im living hell on earth with my own child.Hes become my jailer and torturer through no fault of his own.
Anybody have any suggestions?I'm at my wits end.
I posted here for some replies and help as I've never had response from SN boards.

It is harder to get wakeing day curriculum in juniors but in no way impossible. It's far more common at secondary. There are a few children at my sons school who have boarded mon-fri since much younger than 10.

That kind of set up comes via the ehcp and it needs to go in the socail care bit ( I think?)

If you argue that he needs to learn life skills as part of the ehcp that helps

I think you have to tell your social worker that you can’t cope, that you feel suicidal and fear that you will harm him or he will harm you. Nothing will happen unless they think you are desperate as all help is so expensive. Do you want residential or foster care? In the long term it sounds like it will be difficult for him to remain at home as when he gets bigger and stronger he could seriously hurt you.

So its paid by education

Be very careful telling socail care you might harm him. Child protection in your current situation would be hell

I was a respite carer for a very similar sounding boy. I am afraid it is only going to get worse as he approaches puberty. You will have to fight social care and school to get him more respite. The mum I worked for spent hours every day asking for help. She finally called the mental health crisis team and told them she couldn't go on and was afraid for his welfare. Then she got daily respite and weekend overnights. She didn't want to send him to board, but now he is 14, and school suggested it. They have one room (lounge) which has a locking door and mostly plastic furniture including vinyl flooring for easy clean up. It is sad as he has three sisters and parents who only use the lounge to care for him, but if you want him at home, you may need to try it.

@SarahMused

I think you have to tell your social worker that you can’t cope, that you feel suicidal and fear that you will harm him or he will harm you. Nothing will happen unless they think you are desperate as all help is so expensive. Do you want residential or foster care? In the long term it sounds like it will be difficult for him to remain at home as when he gets bigger and stronger he could seriously hurt you.

Really silly advice, considering she has another child. They could take both away. Your 7 year old is old enough to start remembering. Or put bolts at the top of the doors that neither can reach.

I used to work with this exact population (specialist residential home which focused on behavioural stabilisation).

Getting him to stop will be difficult, but not impossible and realistically it's just too much work for just you. Where I worked was all 1:1 care, with lots of support, and we struggled sometimes.

In terms of practical advice keep things as clear as they can and keep him as contained as you can. If you can afford it get a big weeble. Weebles wobble but they don't fall down. It can be a bit infuriating for someone who wants everything on the ground but it might slow him down a little.

In terms of the smearing, that can be really difficult. Other than trying not to react when it happens I'd recommend lots of sensory play with different textures. Baking if you want to be occupational, play dough and kinetic sand if you just want to slow down. It won't always work, but sometimes it might, and sometimes is good.

I'd speak to social work though, there is no shame in asking for help. The parents of the people we worked with all felt horrible guilt at first, but when they realised that it allowed them to have a fairly normal parenting experience at weekends, and saw how much their children improved in such a hugely structured environment the guilt faded (and for clarity I mean structured as in the psychologist made the plan, the plan was followed - we were maybe unique in that breaking routines was something we actively did to help control future behaviours).

Automatic door closers if your 7 year old leaves doors open? Sorry, not much help but I do feel for you and send you a hand hold

Residential school .but you have to push for it .
Untill then ,lock with a key ( get a locksmith out ) all your internal doors so you contain the mess in one room
If he needs to go to another room you take him and lock the room you came out of .
Keep him with you all all times
Get him in a onesie to keep the nappy contents in .change him the minute he soils the nappy
You need to keep him with you all the time to supervise
Mine was not as difficult as yours ,but doing this eased it somewhat
Key goes in your pocket so door can’t be left open

I would give him his own comfortable room that’s entirely for him and have him spend the majority of his time there so he can be comforted by it rather than seemingly distressed running around destroying the rest of the house. And that way if he does damage or mess it up, it’s confined to one room

No useful advice sorry - just adding my concern/awareness that you're doing something amazingly difficult day in day out. Hope you manage to sort some respite x

I’d be letting him sleep in my room room at night ,in a onesie ,so I could supervise every move he makes
I’d also clear out anything nice you don’t want ruined or soiled or broken .pack it away for now .
Make sure your other son ,has his toys locked safe in his room.
Get a TAC organised ASAP .
Get them told you need a residential school as he is impacting on your younger child.
You have to push and push .

Hi, so sorry this is happening to you both. You may be already doing this, but please take all the help you can get now and in the future. Push for respite, take any you can get. Do you have a shared care or shared lives type service were you are? (basically short term foster care with volunteers). DS might be accommodated for one weekend a month or weeks during the holidays. Please do not discount someone because they are not 'the right fit.' Its hard I know, but if he won't go out with them, go out yourself and leave them at home, these things take time to settle - he will go out with them eventually. DO NOT DISCOUNT RESIDENTIAL SCHOOLING. Sorry I don't mean to shout, but seriously the saddest thing I have ever seen was on a home visit once to a gentleman similar to your son aged 70, whose 93 year old mother was still caring for him at home. Husband long since dead and other children estranged, in part because of her complete focus in her son. He ran complete riot in her home assaulting her etc as I'm sure you can imagine. Its heart breaking. She is dead now and he of course is thriving in residential care, but it would have been much better if she had been able to settle him in herself decades ago. Make yourself known to all services, all the therapies, soc serv. GPs MENCAP, school obviously - tell them all you are not coping and ask them what else they can provide. Actually even ask them to document that you have told them this. Make it their problem. Sending loads of best wishes.

You’re amazing OP. I don’t know how you have coped. Please contact SS and tell them how desperate you are.

I really really feel for you. I have a nonverbal DS too who can also be quite destructive but possibly not to the same extent. Does your boy have much understanding?

Hugs, lots of good advice from pp

@Whyme21

I don't know if at 10 he can get residential care or qualify for it.we have limited social care respite, even this is not a given as I've found it hard to find someone for him who is the right fit and I feel like when they come it's pointless as he wont go out with them. He seems to want me and is affectionate but roughly so,he grabs me hard ,hurts me,pulls me all day long.

I worked in a specialist SEN school (specialises in ASD). We took students from age 7 up to 18. We had accommodation on site for those that needed to be residential. Some were full time residents (mainly M-F but a handful did weekends too), others a couple of days a week, others were ad-hoc as parents felt they needed respite. All were full time at school. Age was irrespective. If they were at the school, they were eligible to stay.

I have no experience so can't add anything but I wanted to say that I can't imagine how totally worn out you must be, it honestly is even hard to get my head around how stressful that must be.

As for the people who have voted that YABU, words fail me sometimes, they really do.

Thinking of your family OP x

Also, I'm sure you already have but go as minimalistic as possible and let him have an area where he CAN make a mess.

Have you spoken to Social Services? You might be entitled to a PA who would offer a number of hours per week for respite.

I was wondering if there is any possibility of a residential school? I know of someone whose child stays at school several nights every other week. So it is not all week but gives the respite needed to enable them to be effective during the times that their daughter is at home.

You should not feel guilty at all in seeking this type of arrangement, it is in your sons best interest for you to have regular respite so that you can give him your best when he is with you. You getting respite is ultimately helping your son.

Just sending admiration and love . If it’s any help ,I worked as staff in residential care and loved my kids with the freshness that comes from shift work and pay . X

Just trying to remember what we did
Everything was plastic ,any plates cups that broke were packed away .
Fridge ,draws ,cupboards all had child locks on .every cupboard had a padlock .nothing was left out .
Lounge we cleared the lot out .tv up high ,just sofa ,and rug we put laminate down in most rooms ,easy to clean .
Windows obviously had locks as did front door
He needs an area to be in ,lounge with his toys and you supervise him .
Could you get a mini trampoline to bounce on in the lounge ,or a sensory cube with plastic poles ,would he go in one .
We got lots of big cardboard boxes for him to hid in and crayon in ..
I don’t know if your son would do that ,or if he would eat them or colour on the walls ...I think the main things are plastic and unbreakable only ,and lock everything away

My son is very similar to yours. I'm exhausted from having to be constantly on top of everything all the time. The only thing I've found useful is prevention. I never leave anything on the dish rack anymore, don't leave any plates or cups on the side, everything is locked away. Every room but his own his locked unless someone is in it.
I'm lucky he hasn't figured out his baby gate yet! His room is safe.
I can't have any nice things on display. No plants, no ornaments, no vases of flowers etc. Anything I have out, I have out in the knowledge it will probably become a broken thing. If I don't supervise him 100% of the time, I have to I that something will be broken. Luckily his twin is a snitch, so he'll let me know.
He wears a zip up back onesie with a little button at the top so he can't nude up and smear poo.
Sometimes I break down and cry because it gets too much. I spend all day while he's at school cleaning, tidying, doing laundry and putting the house back together.
I'm terrified that a day might come when I really can't handle him because otherwise he's my adorable, gorgeous boy and I don't like being away from him, but when he's in his teens or an adult, residential might be the only option.