The mess is making me suicidal

[Whyme21]

I have a non verbal autistic child who is relentless in their destructive behaviour.He constantly, constantly throws things to the floor,no matter what the item may be.Cups,dishes off the rack,any item on the fireplace, plates with food on a table ,if you can pick it up and throw it he will.He wipes his hands everywhere,digs into his underwear when he can and smears contents of his nappy.Hes 10 years old. There is no distracting him,no teaching him new behaviour, no stopping him really.He goes from room to room and destroys everything in his wake. Clothes ironed or pulled up are thrown down,bedsheets pulled off constantly. He wont play with toys,doesn't like the iPad or telly,just enjoys destroying and messing the house up.

I can't describe how stressful this is,I never get to sit down as he doesnt sit down.im constantly counting down the hours waiting to give him his medication for bedtime so I can then continue to pick up,wipe up for hours after he sleeps.Hes at SN school during the day and even before he goes will have wrecked where hes been in the house.Then hes home and it starts all over again.Its like this every single day.
Its no life.im living hell on earth with my own child.Hes become my jailer and torturer through no fault of his own.
Anybody have any suggestions?I'm at my wits end.
I posted here for some replies and help as I've never had response from SN boards.

I wish people with no clue would stop suggesting residential placements,it's a huge decision for any parent of a disabled child,to make , sometime,s it may well be the answer but it's not something anyone takes lightly ,and its certainly not easy to get.

You can start with 24 hour sleepovers for your child...this is possible and my ds did from age 10. It was good for him and the rest of us.
He didnt move into supported living til 21 but the daya weekends a
ANd weeks of ovetnight respite care were essential.
There are spevialust foster carers who take kids in their homes for 24 hour respite. And specialist settings. Carers in your home could allow you to go visit eleswhere leaving your dc at home being cared for. So you get a break.

If it s really hard then all options need to be on the table . Plus the dc benefit from 24 7 structure.

I always looked as it giving my dc opportunities to grow and learn . Speak to parents locally who use overnight respite. One plaCe i wasnt sure initially but had to give it try... after several times dc would get excited to go in.
Other people i know have used residential school and dont regret.
What are benefits to dc?
Many.
What are benefits for whole family? Many. You recharge.
It does take time to set up.
And Or get more hours of support in your own home. That you can easily ask for. But can feel intrusive with extra people always in your home.

Ask for more hours respite. State your case.
Dont discount overnight
Look into all options.

I wasn't meaning you @Embracelife ,you have been through it ,it's the posters who have no clue as to what life is like with a disabled child ,who keep blithely suggesting it that I find upsetting

I have a 14 yr old child with challenging behaviour and autism. 6 months if shielding had left us on our knees. You are .amazing to have coped so well for so long.
You desperately need a safe bed of some description. A safe space would be best but urzone do a good tent bed. Contact heather at urzone for help. She is fab . And new life charity can loan beds if you are desperate. X

Big hugs OP, my mum went through similar, my sister is severely ASD, in care now early 30's,she was so sleep deprived she said to a health visitor once, if you don't give me something to help her sleep, you can take her! people don't realise how desperate and ill it can make you.

What does he get enjoyment out of? any tv programmes he liked, i know you said he doesn't respond to toys or Ipad. my sister used to love making things like plasticine. anything like that?

First thing i thought of reading that was perhaps medicating throughout the day? not just for the wider family but him too, him just tearing through the house being destructive as his main form of stimulation doesn't benefit him at all so don't feel guilty. onesies to help with smearing perhaps. im trying to think of more suggestions.

its interesting that no one has suggested direct payment carers, who can look after in house and also tale out and medication and have gone straight to sending away, there needs to be a middle ground somehow, if he won't go out on daytrips with carers for respite how on earth would he respond to that?? x

Have you looked into hiring a board certified behaviour analyst?

This sounds unbelievably hard. I have experience of working with adults not children with similar needs. You must be beyond exhausted. I really think you need to consider residential care for him. It sounds like it's too much for you to cope with as a family.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I have a friend who had similar issues. Her son was only slightly older than yours (11 - still at primary) when she realised she really was at breaking point and that the only option left to her was residential care for her DS. He was physically too big for her to handle in public and was a danger to himself and those around him as he flung things off shelves in shops etc.

The first months were tough and she struggled with the guilt but as time went on, she realised it was best for both of them. She gets to enjoy quality time with him as his mummy (although that's been hard due to Covid) and he benefits from being cared for by people who are on a rota so get time off and so can face his needs with patience and care, something that she was struggling with through sheer exhaustion.

Her mental health is so much better and she realises that her fear of taking this step as it felt like she was 'giving up on her son' wasn't justified. Now she realises that his difficulties meant he'd never have been able to stay at home long term and the care he receives now is much better than she was able to provide him with come the end.

My nearly 5 year old is very distructive he has been diagnosed with autism and has very high sensory processing disorder, we have adapted the house to help with high energy such as spinning chair, trampoline, ball pit in a dedicated room where he can throw the balls around wherever he likes, I agree with the other comments regarding seeing an Occupational therapist, we took our son to see a therapist who also advised a major sensory diet, which should also include lots of messy play to help reduce smearing, we have a big tuff tray where he sits in it and plays with kinetic sands, slime, playdohs, or he can throw confetti up in the air in the tray tray etc
I would also try to find things he enjoys watching on YouTube some autistics enjoy ASMR some might not (marble runs, trains, running water, hamster maizes, rollercoasters whatever catches his eye)
Also makes sure he is self regulating as much as he needs, lots and lots of hand flapping, join in with him if he is ok with that
Keep trying to communicate with him using visuals if you can and that he has access to alternative communication methods and be consistent with boundaries

He might be trying to communicate with you that he needs to get out of the house? Take him some where where he can snap some fallen branches of the trees, away from people though
My son becomes more destructive as we are getting ready to leave the house because of his transitioning issues and sometimes he might just be over excited to get somewhere but we just get him out as soon as we can before it escalates and take him for walks to places he wants to go and dont forget the headphones if he will wear them

Hey Op, I have no advice or experience. But from one parent to another, I honestly have so much respect for you being able to handle what you do. Mums with children with no additional needs struggle, I honestly can’t imagine what it’s like to handle those needs on a daily basis, whilst juggling those of everyone else in the household, including your own.

You absolutely cannot let yourself get to the point of burnout. It’s not fair on you. And it’s not fair on your 7 year old. Please don’t feel guilty accessing more intense support.

Big hugs, you’re truly a superstar (hope that doesn’t sound patronising) and I hope you’re able to find something that eases the pressure for you all.