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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lazy and ignorant or just pure arrogant??

165 replies

3amigosmama · 11/09/2020 11:24

AIBU.. To be pissed off... I have 3 kids 10, 2 and 1 yrs.. And an overgrown middle aged toddler for a partner... Won't shower at home only at work so when he's off for a week ..hmm. Yeah.. And his feet are disgusting.. I put things away after washing and he sulks he can't see them after opening the door for a second.. Or just buys new rather than look for them or wash them.. Won't come to bed for fear of having to get up with one of the little ones.. Never has done since the first was born.. Won't wash up.. do washing.. Cook.. Nothing unless I start shouting that I'm sick of it.. Won't clean up.. Changes maybe 2 nappies a day when I'm at wits end and tied up cooking or something.. if that.. Won't bath the kids.. Won't dress them unless he's desperate to go somewhere.. Most of the time I'm just fighting them out of the kitchen so they don't get hurt because he Ignores the kids no end.. Thinks 5 minutes playing is adequate and can't take his eyes off his phone.. Is a hoarder of shite and pays for storage for it all rather than just get rid or spend the money more sensibly and help with what the kids need or my hefty childminder bill when I am at work.. Drops dirty clothes on kitchen floor even if washer is empty.. Leaves mucky 3 days worn socks on living room floor.. Won't get changed when we go anywhere only when it's with someone he wants to impress.. Leaves things where he knows the little ones are gonna get them and then snarls.. Does nothing but sleep.. Sits downs n in seconds he's snoring no matter where we are, a relatives.. Anywhere.. I ask him to watch them for 5 mins while I get a rapid shower in my ridiculously full schedule.. I've barely gotten up the stairs and he's snoring or there in there with me emptying shampoo in the bottom of the bath or repeatedly flushing the toilet or something.. Getting to the point I darent leave them alone with him..
I've been quite ill for a couple of month now, and really struggled through.. and feel like I am failing as a good mum because I have no time to do propper mum things and spend quality time with the kids other than run myself ragged after them and do housework..
I really am getting to the end of my tether, my kids are my world and I will do anything for them.. But he is just taking the piss..
Surprised he doesn't expect me to wipe his arse for him too.. But I suppose that would mean he couldn't lock himself in the bathroom for half an hour a shite every time he goes upstairs.. Annoyed much..
What would you do?

OP posts:
DidoAtTheLido · 11/09/2020 14:30

No way would I share sheets with someone who didn't shower.

And he is financially abusive, refusing to cover childcare contributions.

Is he depressed?

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2020 14:31

@Toilenstripes

Look OP, next spring I’m getting my patio done. You bring DP and a shovel, and I’ll supply the patio and champagne.

Seriously though, he’s not pulling his weight. Get rid.

Good that I’ll save me asking for a whip round... to build one for op.

HE WILL NEVER CHANGE - GET RID

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/09/2020 14:36

You said he’d been useless since your first was born, so a decade. And your update says he was fine until January.

It’s your life and you’ve made choices many others wouldn’t have. Do you really need to ask what you should do when you speak about the man you’ve chosen to share your life with, live with, shag and have several children with with such utter contempt and disgust. If you don’t want to put up with it anymore than break up. The benefits must have outweighed the negatives so far but if you’ve changed your mind that’s fine. Shame you saddled your kids with such a useless specimen for a father but that’s just bad luck for them.

Oysterbabe · 11/09/2020 14:43

LTB. I cannot stress this enough.

timetest · 11/09/2020 14:44

Could you afford the mortgage without him?

MaskingForIt · 11/09/2020 14:48

What would you do

Won't come to bed for fear of having to get up with one of the little ones.. Never has done since the first was born..

I’d have told him to shape up or ship out once his disgusting and lazy ways became apparent.

What I WOULDN'T do is find him sexy enough to have two more children with him.

IvyLovesWales · 11/09/2020 15:00

So in a nutshell, you're doing EVERYTHING on your own, he offers no help whatsoever, he offers no emotional support, sleeps all the time and smells.

Why are you with him then, surely you'd be much better off on your own, you're doing everything anyway so it won't be much harder.

I'd be kicking his sorry a**e out for sure!

pussycatinboots · 11/09/2020 15:04

@User3627290

D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M D U M P H I M
oooh, it's like one of those word search quizzy things on the telly.

OP. hire a skip. Put the telly and his beer in and wait for him to make himself at home. phone skip company to arrange collection.

DO NOT put up with this for one more day. You, YOU deserve better.

TantricTwist · 11/09/2020 15:06

Well as the house is in your name only and you are not married you can legally change the locks and never have to see him again and there's nothing he can do about it.

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/09/2020 15:14

I’d bin him. This is only my second LTB ever on mumsnet so you know this is very serious. I usually am giving people the benefit of the doubt, want to know other side of story, etc. Your partner sounds like a real life hoarder troll.

TorgosPizza · 11/09/2020 15:15

I might say it was ultimatum time, but suspect that rarely makes a long-term difference, and since it sounds like you've already been through that once with him before (the attitude change that led you to take him back), it does seem like it's time to get rid of the dead weight.

Minimumstandard · 11/09/2020 15:16

Hang on...So he lives with you...What does he contribute? Does he pay anything towards bills etc. or is he literally freeloading off you?

EKGEMS · 11/09/2020 15:17

He sounds like he deserves to be kept in a cage and fed with a stick! I also can't believe @PlanDeRaccordement writing LTB! This is a sign to drop the deadweight!

BlueJava · 11/09/2020 15:21

Won't shower at home only at work so when he's off for a week ..hmm

WTF? Sorry but I'd get rid for that reason alone, utterly gross!

2020iscancelled · 11/09/2020 15:22

From reading your updates it sounds like you have given it a couple of chances, you took him back after the first split and you’ve moved and changed your lifestyle.... but it doesn’t seem to have improved or changed things.

You know, sometimes you have to cut your losses, accept the loss and move on. There’s no point in screaming and shouting and issuing ultimatums because he quite simply isn’t arsed / doesn’t want to / cannot change.

It sounds like you’re a good mum and a grafter, don’t spend the next 10 years being miserable and letting your kids see you run ragged after a lazy dickhead who brings nothing to your life. You deserve better and your kids deserve to see better - you certainly wouldn’t want them in your position after all.

Cut your losses, kick him out. Move on and be happy alone without the weight and resentment

Refractory · 11/09/2020 15:25

He sounds dreadful.

I'm confused. He was a farmer until recently, and you were a SAHM? And then you moved to a suburban setup? What does he do now?

Refractory · 11/09/2020 15:28

Sorry, I missed your second post.

So he was a farmer, now he's unemployed, and you're working.

This sounds terrible.

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 11/09/2020 15:45

Good grief. Why are you putting up with this revolting user? Dump him and enjoy having every other weekend to yourself.

cruisecrazy · 11/09/2020 15:47

What a waste of space. Get rid ASAP! I feel sorry for your children having to put up with that sort of behaviour, not a good example of how to behave. Please don't waste another day of your life with this piece of s**t.

bimblingonagain · 11/09/2020 15:58

Sounds awful OP. I'd be packing his bags and kicking him out, you'd probably be better off without him. What a waste of space.

RedHelenB · 11/09/2020 16:06

Falling asleep all the time is not normal. Has he seen a doctor?

Crispsginchoc · 11/09/2020 16:09

Get rid of him. He’s just another person you have to look after. He sounds revolting and I’m sure your life would be far less stressful without a manpig living in your house.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/09/2020 16:09

You aren't married. You work full time. The house is in your name.

Unless there is some legal paperwork that gives him 'rights' over a share of the house, kick him out.

Can you afford to run the house if you cut out all 'extras'? He'll have to pay maintenance for the 3 children so be sure you factor that in.

He doesn't help with the children. He doesn't help with the housework. He doesn't support you emotionally. So what do you gain by him staying there?

CanuckBC · 11/09/2020 16:43

You need to make a decision for your children and yourself.

It sounds like you already have broken up once due to his behaviour and have made a drastic move. The move doesn’t seem to have helped. Was the move due to him not helping?

What is the situation Re the house? I know it’s in your name but does he have any claim to it.

Please, seriously think how this can be affecting your mental health and your children’s mental and physical health.

Suze1621 · 11/09/2020 17:22

Just get rid.