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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lazy and ignorant or just pure arrogant??

165 replies

3amigosmama · 11/09/2020 11:24

AIBU.. To be pissed off... I have 3 kids 10, 2 and 1 yrs.. And an overgrown middle aged toddler for a partner... Won't shower at home only at work so when he's off for a week ..hmm. Yeah.. And his feet are disgusting.. I put things away after washing and he sulks he can't see them after opening the door for a second.. Or just buys new rather than look for them or wash them.. Won't come to bed for fear of having to get up with one of the little ones.. Never has done since the first was born.. Won't wash up.. do washing.. Cook.. Nothing unless I start shouting that I'm sick of it.. Won't clean up.. Changes maybe 2 nappies a day when I'm at wits end and tied up cooking or something.. if that.. Won't bath the kids.. Won't dress them unless he's desperate to go somewhere.. Most of the time I'm just fighting them out of the kitchen so they don't get hurt because he Ignores the kids no end.. Thinks 5 minutes playing is adequate and can't take his eyes off his phone.. Is a hoarder of shite and pays for storage for it all rather than just get rid or spend the money more sensibly and help with what the kids need or my hefty childminder bill when I am at work.. Drops dirty clothes on kitchen floor even if washer is empty.. Leaves mucky 3 days worn socks on living room floor.. Won't get changed when we go anywhere only when it's with someone he wants to impress.. Leaves things where he knows the little ones are gonna get them and then snarls.. Does nothing but sleep.. Sits downs n in seconds he's snoring no matter where we are, a relatives.. Anywhere.. I ask him to watch them for 5 mins while I get a rapid shower in my ridiculously full schedule.. I've barely gotten up the stairs and he's snoring or there in there with me emptying shampoo in the bottom of the bath or repeatedly flushing the toilet or something.. Getting to the point I darent leave them alone with him..
I've been quite ill for a couple of month now, and really struggled through.. and feel like I am failing as a good mum because I have no time to do propper mum things and spend quality time with the kids other than run myself ragged after them and do housework..
I really am getting to the end of my tether, my kids are my world and I will do anything for them.. But he is just taking the piss..
Surprised he doesn't expect me to wipe his arse for him too.. But I suppose that would mean he couldn't lock himself in the bathroom for half an hour a shite every time he goes upstairs.. Annoyed much..
What would you do?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 11/09/2020 12:04

I normally don't agree with the "why did you have kids with him" stuff but seriously, given the gap between dc1 and dc2 and 3, how did you stay with him long enough to make the little ones?

Honestly, leave. You're work load will drop drastically

3amigosmama · 11/09/2020 12:06

Thankyou everyone.. I was beginning to think I was just being over self conscious.. Things did improve around 3 Yr ago then we split for a while after 2nd was born. Shamefully got back after some drastic change in attitude which I thought was for the better (obviously only to get me back) hence ending up with 3rd born (who I love dearly as much as my other 2) bought a house early this year and were back to worse than square 1..
Yes I've paid childcare since going back to work after my firstborn. He won't pay it because it's my mum I pay to. But if rather pay her than pay a nursery for a half cost again on top.
Yeah I work full time. Just lately I've been off sick due to illness but going back very soon think that's why it's all getting to me again.
I know what I need to do.. And talking is out of the question he will either stare at TV and ignore me or be asleep.

OP posts:
VinylDetective · 11/09/2020 12:08

Have one of my very rare LTBs. I wouldn’t tolerate this for five minutes - and I tolerate a lot more than most people on MN.

rowrowrowyaboat · 11/09/2020 12:10

Hes already checked out, its time you did too. LTB

Plussizejumpsuit · 11/09/2020 12:12

Get rid of him. Had he always been that?

SantaClaritaDiet · 11/09/2020 12:14

I don't agree with the usual MN "kick him out" which is the only answer some posters can ever come up with

but in your case

what exactly is this man bringing to your life?
You are not a slave or a cleaner, the bare minimum you should expect is respect. You haven't got any of that, and you are miserable (and it sounds utterly disgusting).

So again, what is that man bringing to your life? is it worth it?

KatherineJaneway · 11/09/2020 12:15

I'd end the 'marriage', if you can call it that. Stinky, lazy man? Nope - out the door he'd be.

ivfbeenbusy · 11/09/2020 12:15

I agree get rid. But it does raise the question of why on earth you had more kids with him when you knew what he was like? You've made a rod for your own back with this one by letting him get away with it for so long

Floralnomad · 11/09/2020 12:16

Well you’ve left him once so just do it again , he’s not going to change long term and will probably get worse .

Sally872 · 11/09/2020 12:16

Leave him you have tried he can't change and your life will be easier without him.

jacks11 · 11/09/2020 12:16

You need to either decide to put with it or do something about it- either you end your marriage or you tell him he has to make permanent changes (And if he doesn’t, or changes are not sustained, then you leave).

I would not personally want to be with someone who treated me with such little care and respect.

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 11/09/2020 12:17

You say he has storage spaces for his scunge? Do they have a padlock on the outside? Just askin' Grin

ipswichwitch · 11/09/2020 12:18

Get rid. You’re already doing everything yourself anyway, and you’ll have the added bonus of not having to deal with all his shitty mess too.

Toptotoeunicolour · 11/09/2020 12:18

He sounds awful. Divorce is horrendous but nothing could be worse than being stuck with him forever. And of course eventually you would find someone way better and live a normal life.

Quackersandcheese3 · 11/09/2020 12:19

I couldn’t put up with it. You need to deliver him an ultimatum and stick to it.

mummmy2017 · 11/09/2020 12:21

I'd be splitting again.
After all your mum is your child care, so your lossing nothing.

Itsrainingnotmen · 11/09/2020 12:22

I voted yabu..
Yabu to give him house room..

MissMarplesHandbag · 11/09/2020 12:24

What’s the actual point of him?

Chloemol · 11/09/2020 12:24

And you are still with him because?

Seriously kick him out, your workload will reduce immensely. You and the kids can get into a routine, and you will find you can now make time to be with them

thepeopleversuswork · 11/09/2020 12:24

Don't bother trying to communicate your needs calmly. It's way past that point.

Get rid. You'll wonder why you didn't do it years earlier.

PhoebeSnow · 11/09/2020 12:25

Kick him out , why on earth should you and your children put up with his awful behaviour? I have to say you were daft to put up with him for 10 years and have three children with him, but that’s done now. Do you seriously want to spend the rest of your life with his disgusting, disrespectful attitude? He should be out the door ASAP

jessstan2 · 11/09/2020 12:26

LTB
or better still: KTBO

He's disgusting.

dottiedodah · 11/09/2020 12:27

I think he is unlikely to change really .His habits of only showering at work means he would be gone ASAP! (Cant bear bad hygiene)! Leaving you with the majority of grunt work and childcare on top is appalling TBH.All you are getting is extra work /stress!

Heffalooomia · 11/09/2020 12:30

talking is out of the question
He doesn't take any notice of you....ok, you can use that to your advantage, make a comprehensive plan behind the scenes don't do anything to tip him off
Get it all done and completely sewn up before he has any idea what's happening.
Job done and move on with your life✔️
🦋🌞🦋🌞🦋🌞🦋🌞🦋

lowlandLucky · 11/09/2020 12:32

Whilst you allow it he will behave this way, open the door and kick his lazy smelly arse out of it. Live a new wonderful life.

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