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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give neither child an en suite??

426 replies

HamRadio · 10/09/2020 23:46

Yes - first world problems I know.

My kids are 9 and 6. Two girls. We are about to move house and two of the bigger bedrooms have an en suite.

DH and I are having one. The other I was going to make a guest room/office. There are two decent sized bedrooms for the girls.

DD9 wants the en suite. She has been going on and on about it but I don’t want to give it to her.

Firstly, a nine year old does not need a bloody en suite.

Also, I don’t think it’s fair to let her have it and not DD2 so in my view the fairest solution is that neither of them has it (I feel like DD2 gets a lot of hand me downs etc and it’s an issue that I have become quite conscious of).

DH agrees with me but my sister thinks we are bonkers to make the second biggest bedroom a barely-used guest room and that it’s a waste of space.

Would appreciate some views...

OP posts:

JulesJules · 11/09/2020 11:46

I definitely agree with you, OP, keep the room as home office/ guest room. The DDs can share the family bathroom. It's nothing to do with your sister.

TinySleepThief · 11/09/2020 11:46

@Rosebel

So you have 2 en suite rooms but you're not going to use one of them. That seems pointless. They'll both have their own bathroom it's just the youngest will have the main bathroom which will probably be bigger than her sisters. So no way she can brag about it. Or can you add an en suite to the other room? Does your youngest even care about her sister having an en suite?

The trouble is a family bathroom is the bathroom that will be used by anyone visiting the house. Also depending on it's location by anyone in the house as it's likely more convenient location wise than going through a bedroom to use their en-suite. Sk whilst in name it would be the second daughters bathroom the reality is it would still br a shared bathroom.

I also dont think its fair to say does the 6 year old care, in all honesty no 6 year olds care about bathrooms. She will care about the unfairness as she grows so it's better to be fair and equal from the start.

cheeseismydownfall · 11/09/2020 11:47

As the youngest of three, I am very conscious of "mixing up" unavoidable privileges when it comes to our three children - there are reasonably small age gaps between them and if we didn't do this then the youngest wouldn't get to enjoy certain things until they were 16 or 18! When we moved, someone had to have the smallest bedroom, and we gave it to the eldest. Yes he sometimes complains about it, but that's how it is. In this example, we evened it out by redecorating his room (the other two are having to wait).

I'm your example you have a choice to treat your children fairly or unfairly. You are making the right call!

HollowTalk · 11/09/2020 11:48

@Alwaysinpain

Your 9yr old won't stay 9 forever... She will appreciate the privacy and will feel very grown up I imagine! When guests come you could always give the guests your room or hers even? Make a deal that she can have it, however when guests arrive, she has to have the spare room?

(It's common place in the US for kids to have their own en suite bathroom just an fyi)

You're seriously suggesting that the OP gives guests her own bedroom?

IntermittentParps · 11/09/2020 11:49

What a pointless waste of a room. You buy a house for the people that live there not for the guests

How often do you have guests though?

So you have 2 en suite rooms but you're not going to use one of them. That seems pointless.

For heaven's sake read the thread properly.

The OP says it's mainly going to be an office. She and her DH 'are both working from home and will be for the foreseeable, it looks like'.

VinylDetective · 11/09/2020 11:50

You're seriously suggesting that the OP gives guests her own bedroom?

Why on earth not? My parents had our room when they came to stay for years.

unmarkedbythat · 11/09/2020 11:51

I'd offer them the chance to share the room, and thus the en suite, or have it as a spare room. Although I do see your sister's point and would normally want to use the bigger bedrooms for residents as opposed to guests, the fairness issue would be the driver for me here.

wonkylegs · 11/09/2020 11:51

Nobody needs their own bathroom although I understand why they might like one
I wouldn't allow one child to have one if the other couldn't so I would also make the second en-suite a guest room/office

We are lucky enough to have 4 equalish sized bedrooms with 2 separate bathrooms (no en-suites) in their own little corridor so we have a kids bathroom and an adults bathroom (guests get to use whatever is cleanest/less chaotic- usually ours)

lanthanum · 11/09/2020 11:52

As they get older, visiting grandparents really appreciate having an en suite.

Use the extra space in that room for storage, or the ironing board and ironing pile. (Ours is a fair old dumping ground and has to be cleared up every time we have guests!)

Oly4 · 11/09/2020 11:58

Agree with you. Guests will love an en suite and it’s not fair for one daughter to have it and not the other

HM1984 · 11/09/2020 11:58

here is me, 3 bed 1 bathroom house, struggling to have a shower or poop without having my kids knocking on the door for desperation to use the toilet. Oh how I envy your problem!!!

CountFosco · 11/09/2020 12:14

This will blow some people's minds but my Mum has an en suite for her guest room and she uses the (much larger and more luxurious) main bathroom. She loves the fact that the guest room bathroom only needs cleaning when she has visitors.

We have cleaners and I still love the fact that the en suite in our guest room doesn't need regular cleaning. Also I'm currently working there and it's fab having a self-contained work space.

MsQueenInTheNorth · 11/09/2020 12:32

I’m sure your 9 year old would like an en suite, but then your 6 year old would probably like one in a couple of years too! I think you’re right to think it’s fairer for neither of them to have one. You could always suggest they share the bedroom, if your 9 year old wants it so badly

elkiedee · 11/09/2020 12:35

I agree with OP that a child doesn't really need an en suite, and it doesn't sound like the alternative bedrooms are tiny.

If the 2nd en suite room is going to be used more as an office/study than as a guest room, then that's what the emphasis should be on. I don't have any ensuites but I have a room in my house which at the moment is a junk heap - it was my sons' bedroom until we had a loft extension done and moved them upstairs. Sadly we've run out of money etc to get it done but I would love it to be a study/library, and at the moment both dp and I could use it for Zoom meetings - his for his day job as a union rep, mine for various meetings mostly in the day, and if we ever have different meetings at the same time one of us can go up to the loft. I have things to do now which would be much better in a room other than the main room on the ground floor which is a sitting room and everything else.

I come from a family of academics and others whose job and work patterns involve being able to work from home, so nearly all the family homes, those where I lived, those where either of my parents lived, my grandparents' and aunts' houses, included at least one designated study.

KenDodd · 11/09/2020 12:39

Our spare room has an ensuite. Three kids each have their own bedrooms and share the family bathroom. They can all use the spare room ensuite as they wish though, it just doesn't belong to any of them.

Don't give it to one child, it's not fair.

LunaLoveFood · 11/09/2020 12:59

We have the same set up and neither DC have the 'spare' ensuite as it's the guest room. In reality what happens is DH uses the guest ensuite, I have the master ensuite and DC have the family bathroom. Makes mornings so much easier with everyone getting ready and I don't need to share!

Blackbear19 · 11/09/2020 13:00

Count I can get that logic if your mum lives alone or just as a couple.

woodhill · 11/09/2020 13:03

Yes keep it for guests.

Mischance · 11/09/2020 13:05

No-one "needs" an ensuite - they are nice but not essential.

I would treat the girls the same. Just let the 9 year old squeal. She will get over it. Perhaps you could involve the girls in making their own bedrooms look nice.

The spare room would be perfect for visitors as you would not then have to share facilities with them.

I hope your move goes well. If you have any ideas as to how one can get conveyancing solicitors to move a bit faster, please let me know!!

TheSunIsStillShining · 11/09/2020 13:46

@Fungster

In this context I think it makes perfect sense to not waste a big master bedroom for the sake of just it being there empty all day so we -the parents- can say we have it.

I guess that does make sense, for some reason it just rankles with me that a teenager has "the best" rather the parents in a family I don't know and when it's none of my business. Well you are a kinder mother than me, @TheSunIsStillShining 😄

:D No, probably not. In our family the sleeping arrangements were always chaotic to say the least. We always had a pull out sofa (don't ask me why) and bedroom. But because of our hectic schedules we slept separate many times to not wake the other. When kid was born we kept this up, especially that he slept with one of us. So whoever did the evening story time would usually fall asleep with him on the bedroom bed, and the other could decide to squeeze in or sleep on the comfy sofa :) In our family it is truly only about sleep. There is no connotation of intimacy, or being a couple only if we sleep in the same bed, or being mad=sleeping on the couch. But as far as i can tell we are pretty strange in this sense...

LampGenie · 11/09/2020 20:00

I’m with @roadsurvey that it would a waste of our en-suite. Our daughter has an en-suite (pre teen) and when our new one comes she will have the room with the other en-suite which is currently the spare. It won’t be immediate but as soon as she/he is old enough to recognise that anything else would create difference. However, I a) want to make the most use of the facilities we paid for when we bought the house or it seems pointless b) why should my children be denied those facilities so a guest can have them?

Quarterback11 · 11/09/2020 20:17

Self contained office space sounds great at the moment.

If you want the girls to use it, how about rotate it? Oldest gets it for 2 years, then youngest gets it for 2 years.

lanthanum · 11/09/2020 20:34

@LampGenie

I’m with *@roadsurvey* that it would a waste of our en-suite. Our daughter has an en-suite (pre teen) and when our new one comes she will have the room with the other en-suite which is currently the spare. It won’t be immediate but as soon as she/he is old enough to recognise that anything else would create difference. However, I a) want to make the most use of the facilities we paid for when we bought the house or it seems pointless b) why should my children be denied those facilities so a guest can have them?

We'd have bought our house quite happily without the second en-suite, so I don't see it as waste that it's not used regularly. It is a bonus, because the grandparents find it much easier if they need it in the night. I'm not sure I'd see it as bonus if I was having to clean it every week. (If my teen requested to move into that room, we'd consider it, but cleaning the bathroom herself might be a condition!)

toconclude · 11/09/2020 23:17

It may be commonplace but it's bloody ridiculous and wasteful. Shared bathrooms waste less water and energy.

SideAfries · 11/09/2020 23:25

Definitely use it as a guest bedroom/office. Makes more logical sense... guests then have their own bathroom & you have a bathroom to use when you’re working.

I also have 2 girls & feel like the youngest gets the short straw sometimes just because she’s youngest! It’s just not fair. No child, nor adult really needs an en suite. She’ll get over it!

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