My son was 7 when he was called a n*gger for the first time. By another 7 year old - at school - who was supposedly his friend. He called his friend annoying. They both got the same punishment. It took the school 2 days to admit what my son had been called. My son of course had already told me when he came home - but he had no idea what the word meant. I had to explain to him what racism was, and why it is never ok for a white person to call him that word. My husband and I felt guilty for not having had that conversation with him earlier. That he had to learn about it through experiencing it. At 7.
When my husband was in ICU fighting for his life on a ventilator after being diagnosed with stage 4 Lymphoma, his doctors were afraid to wake him up. They asked me to be in the room because they didn't want him to react badly and hit somebody. They kept saying what a big guy he was. He is 5 foot 9, and at the time had lost so much weight he looked like a corpse.
My children and I put black lives matter posters up in our window. One of our neighbours attacked my husband over it. My husband was having cancer treatment at the time, he had a PICC line in and visible, as well as being on crutches. Our neighbour attacked him outside of our home. Some of our neighbours called the police. 2 police cars and an armed response unit turned up. The regular police went and had a chat with our neighbour. The armed response unit made a B line for my husband.
My whole life I have been told I was 'pretty for a black girl' by white people who think they are complimenting me.
I have worked senior roles in London and white people have been friendly and polite with me - whilst they assume I am an assistant or a secretary (and once even a cleaner).
When giving birth to both my children I was not given the adequate pain relief that I needed. Mortality rates of pregnant black women and their babies is disproportionately high in the UK.
These are just a few of the more recent occurrences I'm naming.
I truly believe if you asked any one of the white people in each of those stories - they would say they were not racist. It has been very obvious to me from day one that many racist people to not understand that they are racist.
However well meaning they may be, however much they may believe that people are equal, however many black friends they may or may not have, society has taught them that people who look like me and my family are dangerous, aggressive, and beneath them.
They are not used to seeing people who look like us fairly portrayed in the media. They are not used to hearing black voices. They were not raised reading story books with black characters. They do not see black people being as valued or respected as white people. We remain an 'other'.
So when a black man is murdered by the police on camera, yet again, whether it is America or down the road from us, and the police officers are not brought to justice, I promise you I take it personally. Because the people asking the question 'well what did he do before this', the people using his criminal past as an excuse for his murder, the people saying 'blue lives matter' and the people saying they are glad he was killed - are not exclusively from the US. Because one day it could be my husband. Or my son. And you will all be so used to seeing black men murdered by police that it won't make you bat an eyelid.