To think this mum should have been more concerned

[consideratealpaca]

Dd9 has an account on a popular online gaming platform. During lockdown she spent a reasonable amount of time playing this game with her class friends from school. One particular girl and DD have butted heads a few times and fell out, which to me seemed like normal kid like behaviour and I wasn't concerned.
Despite me trying to persuade DD not to, she opted to spend some of her birthday money on 'diamonds' to enhance her game experience. I think she spent roughly £100 in dribs and drabs, which I wasn't impressed about, but it is her money when all is said and done.
Last week she came to me and said her account had been 'hacked' and all her diamonds, special objects etc had been stolen. She was then shut out of her own account. It finally transpired that she'd given the girl in her class who she frequently argues with her log in details.
Ordinarily I wouldn't particularly care but this child has stolen the things she bought with her birthday money as well as all the credits she had accrued in game play.
The girls had a brief exchange on WhatsApp and the class friend admitted she had taken my daughters diamonds etc and then changed her password.
I'm pretty sure I can take back control of the account for her, but everything is now lost. Her friend meanwhile, has all of my daughters diamonds and credits.

I messaged the mother of the child in question and whilst the message was read, it was ignored. So I approached her in a polite and friendly way in the playground this afternoon. I was hoping that she'd be shocked at her daughter's behaviour and perhaps we'd get an apology at least. I do not want to be reimbursed for the lost money, and stated that from the start.
The mother's reaction was just to shrug and waffle about not getting involved. Am I right to be mildly pissed off, or ridiculous for making an issue of it to begin with?

@victoria0132

Struggling to see how a 9 year old will truly understand the value of money if she's just given £400 for her birthday. Assuming a lot of this comes from extended family but still. Of course £100 seems like an okay amount for her to spend (completely waste) on her game, doesn't matter to her as she's got £300 left! If she was my child she'd be given £50 maximum and I would put the rest in a savings account for her towards a house deposit etc when she's old enough to use it sensibly. If £400 is a standard birthday amount she'll have a good lump sum by the time she's looking to leave home and actually needs it.

I'd be pretty pissed if I gave my niece money to go buy herself something she wants for her birthday and it was taken from her to be used when she's an adult. It's a GIFT to a child. It's not her wages that she needs to be saving and putting towards bills!

It seems wrong that the game owners should be enticing children to spend such huge sums on things with no intrinsic value.

I understand what people mean when they say the money could equally well have been frittered away on plastic tat, but even plastic tat has intrinsic worth - some level of resale value, and once you buy it it's fully yours. In-game items can never be 'owned' in the true sense of the word because they don't exist outside the game platform - which is owned and controlled by someone else.

Fine for adults to spend their money in this way, but these games shouldn't be marketed at minors.

I’ve just spend £84 on two Nintendo switch games, and I bet no one thinks that’s terrible! Games like Roblox have in app purchases as they don’t charge upfront like buying a new console game.

I’d be fuming, I’d ask the mum again today. I’d say ‘I know you said you didn’t want to be involved but having thought more, it’s really not ok that your DD has (magic word) stolen £100 of DD’s diamonds, when she said she was helping her. I would like them back in her account by end of week.’
If she dismisses you again, I’d say ok I’m going to approach school so they can use this as an education piece For the kids about not being scammed by so-called friends, and see if that shames her into anything. Good luck Op!

Maybe I was slightly intimidated, she's about a foot taller than me and could easily knock me out
She probably knew you'd think that I know the type, do not be intimidated if you touches you have her charged with assault.
Try contacting the platform. When DD got hacked by friends they changed her avatar and password, Roblox reset it but warned me it was a one time thing if she shared again it is tough luck. Lessons learned.

@Gemma2019

Haven't read the whole thread but if it's Roblox they do a one time restore for children if they have had items stolen. Contact Roblox HQ and tell them another child has hacked into the account / guessed the password and they will restore the items and suspend or block the other child's account. Your child has proof of purchase.

Don't be so passive about this - the child shouldn't be allowed to steal items and get away with it. Sod wanting an apology - I would want the items returned or the money refunded, plus the other child's account at least suspended.

Yes to all of this.

This for the benefit of BOTH children.

If this child gets way with theft now, she has no incentive to stop this really horrible behaviour.

I’d be contacting the police over this, can you do an online report and send the screenshots? It doesn’t matter that it’s a virtual object, it has a value and has been stolen. Plus you have a confession. I don’t see how it’s different to her stealing from a PayPal account tbh. It’s serious

Despite all the other problems, the issue is that your daughter has been stolen from. I would keep pestering her mother until she bloody did something.

@Blimeyoreilly2020 don't be silly, just because the child gets big sums doesn't mean she can't value money. Lots of people in this world aren't hard up. I got around that amount every birthday in the early 2000s - because I have 10 aunts and uncles and many cousins, family friends and grandparents. It adds up with a big family.

@ChesterDrawsDoesntExist but what child needs £400?!! £50/£100 for a 9 year old to choose what to spend it on is more than enough! I just think it's damaging for their perception of money going forwards. They will honestly think it grows on trees. The adults aren't spending any of it, just saving it towards something the child will want in the future. E.g a holiday with friends, house deposit, driving lessons etc. I'd be much happier knowing I was helping my nephew do that than him spending it on a game that's he's got bored of playing a couple of weeks down the line.

Is this Animal Jam?

Also £100 on games isn't that bad - I'd have spent that in the new Sims and an expansion pack at her age. What's the difference?

OP, you allowed your 9yo to spend £100 on an online game and you are critising someone else's parenting?

Regardless of what the OP did or didn’t do, the other mother’s attitude stinks. I wonder whether she’ll still be shrugging her shoulders when her dd is caught shoplifting, after she’s sent the message that stealing is fine.

Not that I’m really surprised. A neighbour of ours told a teen dd who’d sold something (and passed it) to one of her dcs, and still hadn’t received the money over a week later, that it was her own fault for letting him have it before she’d got the money - what did she expect?

We had to have Serious Words with the parents before the cash was very grumpily handed over. The attitude still appals me many years later.

Honestly, no one needs to be concerned about DD's perception of money! She earns her pocket money by helping on the farm and doing chores in the house. She saves her money for things she wants rather than fritter it away on LOL dolls or the like. She spent 25% of her birthday money on gaming which we agreed to, over a long period of time and because there have been extenuating circumstances this year.

There's no way on Earth I'd take her birthday money from her to save towards a house deposit when she's older or put it in bonds. She's a child for such a short time, she doesn't need to be thinking that far in to the future.
Since birth we've put money aside each week for the children. They are NOT spoiled in any way, and £400 in birthday money is entirely proportionate for us. Sorry if that makes me sound like a knob, but it's the truth and has nothing to do with anyone else.

@Iwonder08 Yes, I did. It's her money, she didn't steal it. If my daughter had behaved as the other child has done, there would be serious repercussions. She'd be banned from playing the game for a considerable amount of time, she'd be forced to return everything and then some, write a letter of apology and get a big bollocking on the implications of theft. So yes, I'm entirely questioning the parenting of the other mum. What message is she sending her DD?

Afaik animal jam creators are helpful too. I'd report it to them.

There's a lot of victim blaming going on in this thread, which people are apparently justifying on the basis that it's "only" a game and that the OPs DD had too much money.

The only people who are at fault here is the friend who stole from OPs DD and the mother who is refusing to address it.

OP, I would try to address it with the mother once more. If that doesn't work I would raise a complaint with the game customer services (they will be able to direct you).

@Iwonder08

OP, you allowed your 9yo to spend £100 on an online game and you are critising someone else's parenting?

Because allowing your child to spend their own money on something that brings them enjoyment is exactly the same as refusing to address the fact that your child is a thief.

@Aridane

Fuck me, £100 on gambling. For a 9 year old.

Why are you saying its gambling when the OP has repeatedly said it isn't, it's just playing an online game? Do you have no idea how these games play?

I don't think £10 (ish) a month on something she enjoys is excessive. To be honest I'd be after this child, her parents and the money a little more strongly. She has stolen at the end of the day, that's unacceptable!! And £100, does her mother realise it that plainly?? I'd say to her that this is not an argument to 'not get involved in' but a matter of her child being a thief!!!!

I have to echo what others have said. But the problem here is not your daughter or her friend, it´s you. I dont think you realise that grown men pretend to be kids on these games and platforms, and it hasnt happened yet but your innocent daughter is ripe for this kind of trap bearing in mind her parents arent supervising closely what she does and allow real money gambling to boot! She is 9, not 15! It doesnt matter what she loves playing or not, you are her parents!

Whilst your DD has learned a very harsh lesson in sharing details, I'd be appalled if either of my DC did that and would make them give it back, apologise and ban them for some considerable time. It wouldn't be the cost, I'd do the same if it were free earnable items. It's the lesson on how you treat other people.

I hope the gaming platform are helpful.

It's partly a lesson for your daughter, but yes YANBU about the mum and it sounds like she hasn't a clue and is not at all a responsible parent, which is probably why her daughter is acting this way.

@SVRT19674 🤦‍♀️ Yes, I birthed her. Thank you for the reminder, I'd forgotten.

We monitor her online interactions and game play closely. She plays downstairs on a PC in the family kitchen where I spend most of my life, so I can keep an eye on her. School are very hot on online safety, she has it drummed in to her almost daily. Her settings prevent strangers from contacting her. I'm not concerned about some sweaty 50 year old in a string vest luring her away as we're doing everything within our power to protect her. The issue is that she was daft enough to trust her school 'friend'.

Of course I realise how dangerous the internet is, I haven't had my head in the sand for the last 20 years. It's patronising to suggest that I need to rethink my parenting because I allow my child to play an online game and spend a proportion of her own money on it.

Could you try to contact the game producers? There must be a help function. They'd be able to see that someone logged in from a new IP address, transferred all her valuables to another account the changed the password. I'd expect a decent company to close the other girls account and return the valuables. I've known it happen before.

But yeah, the mum should be more concerned that her kid stole from yours. I'd keep well away from now on and insist your daughter do the same. At least she's learned a valuable lesson about online safety.